secret Facebook account

[Marvis]

Soo... .My uBPDbf has "boycotted" Facebook since it's creation, as have i. I have zero interest in getting in touch with people from grade school/high school and my family has my contact info if they need me, then they here's the overly dramatic people him and I both work with, not for me thanks. Anyway,  as I said, he claims to be very much against Facebook but I found out about his secret Facebook account full of messages from (and to) a "woman" he cheated on me with around 7 years ago. He's been weird lately,  talking about how all girls are psycho and just want to mess with him and how he's so grateful that I'm not like that.  He doesn't talk about that stuff until the beginnings of guilt for something.  At that his point, to avoid a blowout with him, I'm gonna let it go. If he screws up, he feels so much guilt that he tells me what he did. My thinking is I refuse to give him  the drama some part of his brain thrives on so he creates it for himself but always ends up hurting me in the process. I guess I just don't know how to handle this. I'm emotionally numb to this behavior after 8 years of it happening on and off.  He knows that it messes with my self esteem in a terrible way. He knows that I'm just as sensitive as he is but I'm an after thought, an innocent casualty. It just hurts since I'm nowhere near selfish, dramatic or demanding but apparently what I'm not is what he craves. He loves me because I'm not those things but it almost feels like he resents me for it at the same time.  Does that make sense? I'm just feeling pretty down right now and needed to vent. I hate feeling this way. My heart is broken but I'm trying to pretend it's not.

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[Cat Familiar]

My ex uBPDh used to sneak around and do stuff like that. I caught him talking on the phone with some woman he'd met online. He had one night stands with women I never met and some who were (previously) my friends.

I was boring and predictable--he needed the excitement I guess. For me, it was a living hell, wondering what he'd do next. If it wasn't ruining our financial situation, it was having an illicit affair. When things were going well (and I could catch my breath)--that was just when he'd do something unpredictable.

[takingandsending]

Hi Marvis.

Wow. I am sorry that is happening right now. It seems very unfair, and anyone would feel their self esteem get hit in that situation. Is there anything that you can do like SET, to let him know that his cheating frightens you and makes you feel less secure? Ultimately, like Grey Kitty is going through, you have to decide where your SO's behavior falls within your personal values. If you find that your own beliefs and values are being trampled, what can you do to love and protect yourself? You are worth it. Anyone who would make a vegan cranberry cheesecake for her SO's birthday is worth it!    How did it turn out, BTW?

[hope2727]

My ex uBPDh used to sneak around and do stuff like that. I caught him talking on the phone with some woman he'd met online. He had one night stands with women I never met and some who were (previously) my friends.

I was boring and predictable--he needed the excitement I guess. For me, it was a living hell, wondering what he'd do next. If it wasn't ruining our financial situation, it was having an illicit affair. When things were going well (and I could catch my breath)--that was just when he'd do something unpredictable.

wow you just totally described my life!

[Marvis]

Hi Marvis.

Wow. I am sorry that is happening right now. It seems very unfair, and anyone would feel their self esteem get hit in that situation. Is there anything that you can do like SET, to let him know that his cheating frightens you and makes you feel less secure? Ultimately, like Grey Kitty is going through, you have to decide where your SO's behavior falls within your personal values. If you find that your own beliefs and values are being trampled, what can you do to love and protect yourself? You are worth it. Anyone who would make a vegan cranberry cheesecake for her SO's birthday is worth it!    How did it turn out, BTW?

I have no clue how to even approach the subject of me knowing about it let alone telling my feelings, again, to someone who dissociates into an uncaring, unempathetic monster who thinks I'm controlling him when I'm actually protecting him since I know first hand what "good" comes from him doing this crap.he knows my stance on everything, we've been over it so many times. As for the cheesecake, wish I could tell you how it was, he threw away all the ingredients before I could even make it.

[ElvisLives]

I am so sorry Marvis.  Hugs to you.   

He is deceiving you and deceiving himself.

Can I just say?... .You are worthy. 

I will say that again... .'YOU... .you are WORTHY'. 

He's stealing your sense of self with this.  I totally understand why you're down. 

I hope that you can find a way to believe in yourself and find some peace. 

[takingandsending]

Hey Marvis,

Sorry, forgot that he threw away the ingredients. 

What I wondered was, when he is talking about how grateful he is that you are not crazy/drama like all these other people, you might come in with empathy. "Yeah, I totally understand how [so and so's] crazy drama might make you feel uncertain and insecure. I would feel upset if someone expected me to know what they want without communicating clearly, too. We work best when we communicate honestly and clearly without the drama."

That's not directly addressing your truth of how much his cheating or lying hurts you, but it might be a lifeline for him to hold before he gives in to his impulsive BPD thinking. If he stays calm, you might be able to go a little further, or just keep working with reinforcing that honesty and clear communication are what you want.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm wondering... .how did you find the secret facebook account?

Were you suspicious and snooping?

Or was it something he 'left around' for you to find?