Custody Eval

[Thunderstruck]

SO is in the middle of a Custody Eval for SD9. We already had to get it extended once because uBPDbm wasn't cooperating. SO did several psych tests. We had a home visit. The evaluator has spoken to him at length about SO and uBPDbm's history. I believe uBPDbm only met with the CE twice. The second time she took SD9. As a result of that meeting the CE had to call CPS twice (once for physical harm due to an isolated incident SD9 told them about and once due to mental injury because SD9 is being coached).

Then about a month ago, a few hours before he was supposed to have an appointment, the CE called. She said she has been having difficulty getting uBPDbm to cooperate (uBPDbm refuses to take time off work). The CE was supposed to come in early to meet with uBPDbm that morning but she got into a fender bender. uBPDbm screamed at her about how inconvenient it was to her and the CE got completely frustrated and flustered. She said she can't maintain her composure with uBPDbm so she's going to communicate by email now. She also put my SO's appointments on hold because he was so far ahead (she doesn't want to seem unbiased).

Now the extension deadline is three weeks away and SO hasn't talked to the CE in a month. I'm nervous and sort of bothered because he hasn't had an opportunity to actually discuss parenting (the focus thus far has been on their personal history and court/police/CPS records).

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it won't turn out badly for us. It makes me nervous that we haven't heard from the CE and time is quickly running out.

[scraps66]

passive-aggressive stalling... .if they don't complete the CE, they can't report the real deal.  But sounds like there is an awful lot of intel already documented without a complete CE.

[david]

Get all that documentation. The fact that CPS was called will be a big help in court. I suspect it would be in the eval report but make sure you get whatever copies and documentation you can. It sounds positive.

Try to figure our exactly what you want the courts to do. Supervised visitation ? overnights ? should uBPDm be ordered to get theraopy ? if so what consequences if she does not ? who shoulfd the T be ? what happens if she does not follow the order ?

Have it all written out as neatly and concisely as possible. Have your atty look it over to make sure everything is legal.

[Nope]

If CPS is getting called and the CE is having this much trouble getting cooperation, then it sounds to me like the BPD mom is just delaying the inevitable at this point. I know it feels like the CE is just magically not noticing all of this, but that is what "staying unbiased " looks like... .Until she CE writes the report.

In my case we had a GAL and wrote out all of our concerns for the health, safety, and over-all well being of the kids. Then we sent that and a thumb drive of all of our evidence (recordings, pictures, videos) directly to the GAL. We didn't hold anything back because professionals don't like looking like idiots when their findings don't match the evidence when it goes to court. After that, except for a couple of conversations the GAL said very little to us. We didn't have any idea what impact we made. And we knew she was spending a lot more time talking to BPD mom, who was the residential parent and had the kids 80% of the time.

Then we got the GAL report. And it was *scathing* against BPD mom. It also talked about the children clearly being coached, verbal abuse, lack of proper care, etc. Did the BPD get continuance after continuance and do everything to obstruct the GAL investigation? Yes. But all she did was delay the inevitable. Now the kids are with us 90% of the time.

There were a bunch of things she pulled that never got mentioned in the report because it would have made the professional look biased to even bring them up. Instead, a well trained professional sticks to what the court must consider. Even that is a little frustrating. But it doesn't matter so long as the report ultimately says what you need it to say.

[Thunderstruck]

If CPS is getting called and the CE is having this much trouble getting cooperation, then it sounds to me like the BPD mom is just delaying the inevitable at this point. I know it feels like the CE is just magically not noticing all of this, but that is what "staying unbiased " looks like... .Until she CE writes the report.

In my case we had a GAL and wrote out all of our concerns for the health, safety, and over-all well being of the kids. Then we sent that and a thumb drive of all of our evidence (recordings, pictures, videos) directly to the GAL. We didn't hold anything back because professionals don't like looking like idiots when their findings don't match the evidence when it goes to court. After that, except for a couple of conversations the GAL said very little to us. We didn't have any idea what impact we made. And we knew she was spending a lot more time talking to BPD mom, who was the residential parent and had the kids 80% of the time.

Then we got the GAL report. And it was *scathing* against BPD mom. It also talked about the children clearly being coached, verbal abuse, lack of proper care, etc. Did the BPD get continuance after continuance and do everything to obstruct the GAL investigation? Yes. But all she did was delay the inevitable. Now the kids are with us 90% of the time.

There were a bunch of things she pulled that never got mentioned in the report because it would have made the professional look biased to even bring them up. Instead, a well trained professional sticks to what the court must consider. Even that is a little frustrating. But it doesn't matter so long as the report ultimately says what you need it to say.

Thank you, this was very reassuring!

Our L just sent a note asking if the CE was on track to complete her report, so hopefully we'll get a bit of news soon.

[GaGrl]

Just saw your post on the medical expenses.  Let the CE know what happened.

[Matt]

As David suggests, your focus now should be on putting together a proposed settlement - a clear picture of what outcome you think would be best - and file that with the court, and ask for a hearing so the court can issue an order.

For example, you might propose that Dad will have primary custody;  and that Mom can have the child for up to eight hours each Saturday;  and that Mom can have the child up to eight hours on half of the holidays (like maybe Christmas and Easter during odd-numbered years, and birthday and Thanksgiving even-numbered years, or something like that);  and that no one will pay child support;  and that the parents will split the costs for medical, dental, and anything school-related;  and that Dad will make big medical decisions and decisions about education;  etc.

You could start a thread here about that proposal - others will have good ideas and experiences - and your attorney probably has a template she has used in other cases - she should know the proper form for your motion.

If possible, you'll want to get the CE's support for whatever you propose - your attorney should know the right protocol for having that discussion with the CE.

The court can't give you what you don't ask for, and in my experience the court - and probably the opposing attorney too - will appreciate the thought you put into your proposal.  It's possible the other party (Mom) will oppose your motion, or the CE might suggest something different, or the court might make some changes to what you propose.  But you and your SO are the grownups in the room, so if you make a well-thought-out proposal, it will probably be positively recieved, and better than letting either the CE or the judge come up with a solution to a situation they aren't a familiar with as you and your SO.

[livednlearned]

She also put my SO's appointments on hold because he was so far ahead (she doesn't want to seem unbiased).

Wha? Biomom doesn't make it a priority to schedule appointments and so the CE penalizes SO so it doesn't look like she is biased? That is messed up.

Now the extension deadline is three weeks away and SO hasn't talked to the CE in a month. I'm nervous and sort of bothered because he hasn't had an opportunity to actually discuss parenting (the focus thus far has been on their personal history and court/police/CPS records).

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it won't turn out badly for us. It makes me nervous that we haven't heard from the CE and time is quickly running out.

What is your gut feeling about the CE? Competent, not competent... .

[Thunderstruck]

She also put my SO's appointments on hold because he was so far ahead (she doesn't want to seem unbiased).

Wha? Biomom doesn't make it a priority to schedule appointments and so the CE penalizes SO so it doesn't look like she is biased? That is messed up.

Now the extension deadline is three weeks away and SO hasn't talked to the CE in a month. I'm nervous and sort of bothered because he hasn't had an opportunity to actually discuss parenting (the focus thus far has been on their personal history and court/police/CPS records).

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it won't turn out badly for us. It makes me nervous that we haven't heard from the CE and time is quickly running out.

What is your gut feeling about the CE? Competent, not competent... .

I'm understanding it... .If you only hear one side of the story then you're not being unbiased. She heard a lot from DH so now she needs to have uBPDbm catch up and hear her side of the story so it's balanced.

We picked her because we thought she was the best person for our situation. I think the fact that she has recognized the coaching and labeled it as mental harm is very promising.

[ForeverDad]

My CE had to ask the court for more time since my ex had thrown him a curve and he had to get an interpreter - and I got the bill of course.  She had answered his questionnaires and perhaps also the psychological tests in her childhood language even though she was born and lived roughly half her childhood in the USA and our 15+ year marriage was mostly interacted in English.

Oh, and want to guess the huge disconnect?  My ex was a certified English/Spanish medical and legal translator/interpreter at the time.  Go figure.