I am cautiously approaching the holidays

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I don't know about everyone else but I am cautiously approching the holidays.   This will be the first holiday season I go thru without my BPD sister that I am NC with.  I expect nothing but attempted dramas.    Last month there was the phone calls to try to stir the pot which didn't work.  I refused to respond and ignored but instructd the horrified parties involved to ignore & understand she is not well.    Then there was the card sent from one child to another -  once again trying to Poke and involve the kids in emotional stuff.   The words were fed and absolutely heart breaking for me to read.    

I keep envisioning a big bubble of protection around me and I am working hard to create a "new" holiday approach.  The new approach involves a holiday party with FRIENDS!    Friends, smiles, laughter and we will cook and entertain.   We made it a neutral day.      I just ordered the invites and custom made them with pretty colors.   I am perfectly okay with spending xmas morning alone with my husband while my kids are with their dad.   No drama... .peace... .love & happiness.  I ACCEPT this and look forward to the opportunity I have found in this change in my life.

I am sorry that my BPD sister lives in a word of cyncism, hate and blame.    Of course I am to blame for everything that has happened in her life along with other family members.   Her mental illness and alcoholism has put her in a empty place and I would call it "living in hell" already.  

I tried.   I talked openly to her.   I shared spiritual beliefs that during one of her attacks on me she threw me under the bus on.   It made me realize that my glass is half full.   I see light in my life and love.    This is all gone for her & I pray that she will find it.   Sad.       Not my choices.   AMEN

May everyone this year get thru the holidays and remember that there are people in life here to love and welcome us into their lives.  So if you don't have a lot of family keep the faith.  Seek friendships.  Blood does not make family.    Keep the hope.     Love to you all & don't fall into the trap!  You deserve a happy holiday season.

[claudiaduffy]

Happy Thanksgiving, Funfunctional!

My husband and I are having our Thanksgiving day with our chosen friend group instead of blood relatives and are anticipating a laid-back, fun time. And then going to get our Christmas tree and decorating it (something we both love). We're also spending our Christmas morning with just the two of us and then going to stay with friends for a day or two. I'm giving up feeling guilty that I'm not spending either of the big days with family - even the part of my extended family that I have that is healthy and enjoyable - and am really looking forward to creating memories that don't involve manipulation or guilt. I like the sound of your holidays, too.

[funfunctional]

Good for you Claudiaduffy,

I think we each have to have our peaceful moments.  The holidays can be enourmous pressure.

I can't believe 40 people read my post and I got one response.  LOL    Thank you for responding.    I guess maybe I shouldn't post.   My posts aren't exciting enough!

Enjoy !

[cleotokos]

Hi Funfunctional, don't worry about people not responding yet. Sometimes it can take a while for a thread to pick up

[Deb]

My sister also blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. She blames me for alienating her oldest two daughters, thinks I will alienate her youngest daughter and blames me for losing friends. Thje friends were MY friends that she attempted to turn against me. I feel sorry for her, really. And pray she is not alone for the holidays. My husband and I are going to one of his niece's houses for Thanksgiving and probably Christmas Eve. We will go to his brother's house on Christmas. And my nieces usually have a holiday get together sometime the week before Christmas. Christmas morning will find us in bed, snuggled with our dogs and giving a call to our daughter who lives far away.

Speaking of the daughter, thanks to this forum, I was able to help her see how sick her ex is and give her some ideas on how to handle his bad behavior. So far, he has managed to alienate my granddaughter because of his behavior. He sent me a message on Facebook telling me how it was all her (DD's) fault.   She has picked herself up and moved on and is happy and he can't stand that.

That's where things are at in this house. Enjoy your holdays!

[funfunctional]

thanks cleo,

No, I totally get it.   I think there are also some people that come here and really in crisis and I am somewhat at this point of "been thru it" already and feeling better.  I want people that really need it to get attention!

I have a lot of emotions about my sister and sadness.   Even as far as my BPD MIL as my dream was that she would welcome my two beautiful kind soul children into her lives and embrace them.   She was so nasty to them and after she met us she slandered my (at the time 13 yrs old) daughter who is a tremendous athelite and student moved to new community she said "she is the kind of girl that hangs out on street corners".    The meanness was overwhelming and she put us thru such pain moving to a new community and trying to feel accepted.  DEspite HER we are doing just fine.  My kids have friends and plenty.   

   SIL is ON to her and told me this and I knew I had to protect my innocent kids from her.   This woman is pure sick sick sick.   

Now to have my sister become such a monster & so awful is heart breaking.   My kids want to see their cousins and she has made it impossible for this to happen without dealing with HER.   

I am trying to focus on POSITIVE this holiday season and help my children and my family enjoy & stay out of drama.   Made new memories!   

[funfunctional]

I am glad Deb things are better and you have some happy plans to look forward to.  As you know it is a struggle and a bumpy road getting to that "happy place" and drawing all those boundaries... .but we are there!

Sounds like you helped your daughter as well deal with the undealable! (ex).

good for you   

[MammaMia]

Funfunctional

Oh yes, here they come... .the dreaded Holidays and the drama that ensues.

Your post was spot-on.  Those of us with BPD loved-ones need to understand no amount of guilt and coulda, woulda, shouldas will make a difference.  The goal of pwBPD is to ruin the Holidays for everyone else.  We have choices.  We can let them make us miserable, or we can accept what is going on and choose not to play the game.

My BPDs HATES the Holidays.  As a result, we have stopped encouraging him to participate.  There comes a time when we have to say enough is enough.  He will be unhappy and upset no matter what we do.  He sees the Holidays as a time when friends and family PRETEND to love each other and enjoy each other's company, which , of course, are all lies to him.  He says it is all about money and things and the world is full of people who exploit Christmas for their own greed and financial gain rather than to celebrate the real meaning.  

I agree there is financial exploitation but there is also joy in being with those we love.  I have downscaled gift giving dramatically in the last few years and tried to make the Holidays about being thankful for each other, and we respect bps's right to disagree.

So, do not feel as if your post is not exciting enough.  We all need the reminder during the Holidays to stay strong and keep our boundaries in place.

Have a wonderful Holiday Season.

[funfunctional]

Thanks Mamma Mia,

You all sounds so tolerant of his miserableness or should I say "used to it".  BPDs is your son I am assuming.  You bring up a thought?   Did you see his miserableness early on?

Yes.  The dreaded holidays!  We will all get thru them with minimal drama.  Glad we have each other here talk and prepare for it all.

I am so much calmer since my BPD sister is out of my life.   I didn't realize how much she was tearing me apart with her drama and nonsense.    Now I get it.

Best to you!   Glad to know I am NOT boring.  ha ha ha ha

[Panda39]

I keep envisioning a big bubble of protection around me and I am working hard to create a "new" holiday approach.

I like the bubble of protection! Wish I had one for my SO's younger daughter. 

My SO's uBPDxw is getting ready to take their 2 daughters out of town to her family for Thanksgiving. (Neither wants to go but what are you gonna do... .it's her holiday with them)

Lucky for D18 she is away at college... .although there could be a texting frenzy going on for all I know.  Unfortunately D14 is here and has had 1 blow up with mom last weekend and continues to experience issues with mom along with my SO because uBPDxw is stressed about the trip.  We can all expect crazy behavior and conflict leading up to November 27... .Oh Joy 

But once the kids and their mom are gone we... .me, my honey and my son will settle down for a nice day of pigging out and watching football! 

I wish everyone a Happy (low stress) Thanksgiving !

                     

[MammaMia]

funfunctional

Oh yes, from the time he was in his early teens, possibly even before.  He has never been a joiner and being around family causes him huge distress.  He would say he was fine at an event, but on the way home would "educate" me on how phoney and sick everyone else is, and how he wished he had stayed home.

It is really sad to know he has no compassion for others and views them as horrible people that he just can't stand to be around.  Regardless of how everyone would work to make him feel welcome, he was still depressed, anxious beyond belief, and angry.

It used to hurt me terribly to think he was so unhappy.  That was before he was diagnosed with BPD and I learned about the disorder. Now I get it. 

As we say here ... .it is what it is.

[funfunctional]

HI Panda,

And you enjoy that time with your son and do something silly!

Basically there are a whole lot of "turkeys" squacking and flapping feathers.  One would thing they were the ones getting their heads lopped off and being placed on a table.  WOW

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Panda39]

Silly funfunctional!

Basically there are a whole lot of "turkeys" squacking and flapping feathers.  One would think they were the ones getting their heads lopped off and being placed on a table.  WOW

[funfunctional]

Oh dear Mamma Mia,  this sounds like my step son.    He is in the lineage of my BPD MIL - direct.    I see things in him that remind me of BPD behavior.   

Thankfully he chose to move in with his mother full-time and our lives are so much better with him out of our home.  He was destructive and hateful and always always sees himself as a victim.   He did terrible things to us daily.   Loved to passive aggressive poke like leaving doors open, things around, etc.   The other 3 kids are glad he moved out.   Even his sister.  Now she only has to deal with his behavior half the time.     

Although he was given the choice to leave BPD MIL (or his grandmother) insists on telling him over and over and over that he was kicked out.   He says the same thing.  An absolute untruth but this young man has the BPD grandmother we don't talk to calling him at his mom's bad mouthing us and making stuff up.

BPD conditions when they are prevalant in families can be so harmful to young people.  In this case I do see step son as "possible" BPD.    His mother is a real "moron".   She knows that her BPD MIL is a trouble maker but enjoys her behavior becuz it discounts my husband and I.  We are NC with BPD MIL.   

Really bad situation and step son is a casualty of it.  However, after reading your post stepson owns his own behavior too.    He makes choices to hate!  He has social anxieties and doesn't like to be around people and hates both families.  He told my husband he hates it at mom's now but refuses counseling.  What a mess!

Sorry your son is BPD but sounds like you "get" it... .thank you for sharing.

[Takehiko]

Ah, holidays! Thankfully () in my country we don't have Thanksgiving, but Xmas is more than enough holiday for me. (Christians among you please don't be offended by me saying Xmas instead of Christmas, I do this purposefully since no one in my family is remotely Christian or even religious.) I find the Xmas period very depressing, because all the members of my FOO don't or can't visit or speak to each other. Usually I am left having to entertain uBPDM, with or without my partner for moral support. In fact I have spent every Xmas with her for my entire life. Since my sister went NC with her, I've mainly been doing this because she will otherwise be alone (guilt) but this year I don't want to play the game any more. I intend to tell her (today) that I am spending Xmas with my partner of 14 years - we have never had Xmas alone together before. On T's advice I will suggest seeing her before (I'm thinking the 23rd) so as not to be "rejecting" her.

I think it would be nice to have a fun holiday season but for me it is too mixed up with all horrible feelings about my family members, obligations, guilt. I feel like I need to make the break with spending Xmas with M every year. Much agonising has been done in my household as partner wants to know if I really want to spend Xmas with him or if I just want to avoid Xmas altogether. (The answer is probably both.) Such a massive bag of mixed feelings for me... .

Some future years it would be nice to spend Xmas with my other family members or friends. I think I first have to get M used to the idea that it's not an automatic given I will be with her. BTW Partner's FOO doesn't even get a look in at Xmas, I haven't seen them even once at Xmas time.

So complicated and it makes my head hurt.

[MammaMia]

Takehiko

Why put yourself through this?  Have you ever thought about a Holiday dinner at a nice restaurant?  You could make it a three-some, your uBPDm, your partner, and yourself.  In public, pwBPD tend to be much easier to get along with.  Make your uBPDm aware this is all you can do this year, but it would not be Xmas without her.

Then, you and your partner are free to enjoy the Holiday.  Maybe take a weekend away, leaving the guilt at home. 

Why do we let others create such unhappiness for us?  Time to take control.   

[funfunctional]

I agree Mamma!

"Why do we allow others to create unhappiness for us?"

Very well put and a good question.

Is it sense of obligation.  If we don't fulfill this obligation what are the ramifications?   What if we choose "this way" and someone else refuses we stand in our own tracks firm and say - no - I am not happy with the current way this is being done and will not participate.

Take a lot to do this!

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Yesterday was the worst day in so long.   I refer to them as other people's wind storms or twisters but "other people" are trying to drag me into their windstorms.   

BPD sister is working thru my dad with the "don't tell anyone" but I am having surgery and golly gee I scheduled it day before thanksgiving.   My dad of course complies with her manipulative way of trying to get info to me cause she KNOWS he WILL tell.   Dad says "keep it secret".    BPD sister is trying to create a drama so that I come running back to her and beg for forgivness for all that she perceives thou art done.    My dad went onto to ask me what time we were going to dinner cause he wants to visit her in the hospital and bring her flowers. etc.    I am sorry but there is a story called "the little boy that called wolf" and so I am not buying the drama.  Few months ago it was her throat being biopsied... .then the infamous hand injury (happened while she was sneaking off with co-alcoholic/piller b.f.).    Guess what?  The extreme "I am dying" routine is not going to upset my thanksgiving.  Oh - and I am NC with her.  have been.

On top of it all.   A huge guilt trip is being laid on me by my uncle because I am not picking my aunt up from asstd living and bringing her somewhere with us  for thanksgiving.  He placed my aunt 45 minutes away after I begged him to place her closer to me.    So that is 3 hours of driving when my husband and I have 4 kids of our own (two we have custody during a window of time).    My aunt sadly is having incontinentcy issues,  can hardly walk and can't feed herself.   So he emailed the attorney (that I am related to) and told her that knowone is taking her on Thanksgiving and he wants to move her asstd living for the 4th time in 2 years.    He moves her further was from me when we don't do as he wishes.    He is not BPD.

Just an a-hole.

My BPD MIL went thru 1.2 million dollar in the past 5 years and now she and her husband walked away from their home.    Moved into apartment.   THat pre-holiday drama.    My husband owns that one.   Good luck.

My x husband crushes my daughter this weekend by telling her he is disapointed in her for not trying to get on Div 1 sports teams that she really can't get on... .and then looks up the salary of the major she wanted and has been talking about for 2 years now and says it is underpaid... .and she should think of something else... .and then ridicules the college visit we did make to my old college where she met with soccer coach and she loved the campus and coach and has friends going there.     He put video up on screen of coach and completely made fun of him.  This is  a repuative college.  THEN... .when I present to him that it is $600 for a vidoe to be made for her to advertise herself to  div 1 schools he and step-mom do a complete hysteria about "we can't afford that video" and we will have to ask grandma for the money.  The guy who is 46 and having a child soon with new wife but can't afford a prof. video of $600 (cost shared with me) .   My daughter came home sobbing.

I am surrounded by ding dongs!    Someone upstairs really thinks they are funny putting all these obstacles in my way... .  HA HA HA!       Shields up people!  If you made it thru this post... .god bless you!

[Takehiko]

Takehiko

Why put yourself through this?  Have you ever thought about a Holiday dinner at a nice restaurant?  You could make it a three-some, your uBPDm, your partner, and yourself.  In public, pwBPD tend to be much easier to get along with.  Make your uBPDm aware this is all you can do this year, but it would not be Xmas without her.

Then, you and your partner are free to enjoy the Holiday.  Maybe take a weekend away, leaving the guilt at home. 

Why do we let others create such unhappiness for us?  Time to take control.   

Hi Mamma Mia! Thanks for the nice thoughts. Actually my PwBPD is a massive pain in the posterior at restaurants and it's one of my big terrors to have to go out with her to eat anywhere. (I'm working through this with my therapist... . ) We have tried to compromise in recent years by having her come to ours just for dinner, but it's just another of those "give an inch take a mile" scenarios. That's why I want to have a complete break from her at Xmas, that's how I'm taking control. We did think about going away, but me and my partner just can't afford it right now, so we're staying at home together.

Why do we allow others to create unhappiness for us ... .? Obligations, true, Funfunctional, but I guess we also want to make the people we love happy even at the expense of ourselves. I've decided that this is not going to be my way anymore, I need my sanity more than M needs to spend Xmas day with me.

Update: I talked to her and we agreed to do something nice together on the 23rd, not too Christmassy, but just something nice for us. And possibly with my man also if he wants to. Plus a phone call on Xmas day. I'm so relieved I can actually spend the holiday my way this year. It will be something to look forward to as nice and relaxing rather than an ordeal. T was very helpful in giving me communication techniques to use for this.

Thanks both for replying!

[claudiaduffy]

Ah, holidays! Thankfully () in my country we don't have Thanksgiving, but Xmas is more than enough holiday for me. (Christians among you please don't be offended by me saying Xmas instead of Christmas, I do this purposefully since no one in my family is remotely Christian or even religious.)

Takehiko - I think the others have given you some good feedback on your situation, and I just wanted to add, as a believing Christian, that "Xmas" is not at all offensive. =) "X" is the same as the Greek letter that has represented the title of Christ since the early church. Every bit as Christian to say Xmas, and much less typing! 

[claudiaduffy]

Hang in there, Funfunctional! That is a doozy of an obstacle course. I'm really sorry to hear all that, especially about your daughter.  :'( At least she has one parent who is consistently growing healthier and happier that she can trust!

[funfunctional]

LOL Claudia!

MOre like a mine field that I am leaping over slowely and carefully!

Shields UP!

I will get thru it all.  I already started to calm and take control again today.   Took my daughter out for coffee and had a good solid talk about how she needs to learn how to protect herself emotionally over dads and also speak up to him when needed.  Apparently she speaks up but he shuts her down.  He will eventually learn to listen or she will shut him down more and more.   

   Happy Holidays... .fa la la la la

[sisterofbpd]

Maybe our sisters are twins! LOL

I don't know about everyone else but I am cautiously approching the holidays.   This will be the first holiday season I go thru without my BPD sister that I am NC with.  I expect nothing but attempted dramas.    Last month there was the phone calls to try to stir the pot which didn't work.  I refused to respond and ignored but instructd the horrified parties involved to ignore & understand she is not well.    Then there was the card sent from one child to another -  once again trying to Poke and involve the kids in emotional stuff.   The words were fed and absolutely heart breaking for me to read.   

Sorry you had to experience that!  It's always hard when there are kids involved.  For a long time my daughters wondered why BPDsis wasn't coming around.  Now the few times they see her, they notice something is very wrong with her.

I keep envisioning a big bubble of protection around me and I am working hard to create a "new" holiday approach.  The new approach involves a holiday party with FRIENDS!    Friends, smiles, laughter and we will cook and entertain.   We made it a neutral day.      I just ordered the invites and custom made them with pretty colors.   I am perfectly okay with spending xmas morning alone with my husband while my kids are with their dad.   No drama... .peace... .love & happiness.  I ACCEPT this and look forward to the opportunity I have found in this change in my life.

That is great!  I deal with it just by celebrating with my brother and my parents and DH's side of the family.  It's great when you find a way to enjoy the holidays without the craziness!

I am sorry that my BPD sister lives in a word of cyncism, hate and blame.    Of course I am to blame for everything that has happened in her life along with other family members.   Her mental illness and alcoholism has put her in a empty place and I would call it "living in hell" already. 

I so feel the same about BPDsis

May everyone this year get thru the holidays and remember that there are people in life here to love and welcome us into their lives.  So if you don't have a lot of family keep the faith.  Seek friendships.  Blood does not make family.    Keep the hope.     Love to you all & don't fall into the trap!  You deserve a happy holiday season.

[funfunctional]

Hey Sister of BPD,

Sounds like you too have found some joy in the holidays by enjoying those people around you that can be happy with.    One of my kids asked me yesterday if they were going to see their cousins.    I didn't even know how to respond. 

Trying to build new relationships here... .that is all we can do.

[Panda39]

Hi Funfunctional,

I know this board is for people with a BPD family member and I'm on this site because my SO has a uBPDxw but I thought you might relate to my SO's daughter's Thanksgiving with uBPDmom... .those poor girls (The last few days of vacation were much better haninging out with dad and friends)


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