Turns out my ex was BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone, I haven't visited since 2010. Back then I was dealing with being NC with my uBPDm for 4 years, with all the guilt, confusion and pain from growing up with that kind of mother. One thing that helped back then was my common-law spouse who was a recovering alcoholic. We worked the steps together, the relationship was rocky sometimes but I had always assumed it was because we were both trying to recover from our respective childhood traumas. 4 years later we now own a duplex and after what I'm calling the worst year of my life, I finally decided to leave the relationship. To say he didn't take it well would be an understatement. I got suicide threats, uncontrollable sobbing, hostility... .On Saturday he's unfriending me from Facebook and tells me we can never be friends, on Sunday he making suicide threats, then ask me to marry him, then he wants to babysit my dog when I out... .Sounds familiar ? Then, after some soul searching from his part he tells me he thinks he has BPD. At first I wasn't sure, after all he has a very good job, he's been there almost 8 years and he's very good at what he does, he even got promoted twice.He's well liked by his coworkers and has friends.And there is the stereotype about BPD to be more affecting females than males. But after reading about it and talking some more with my ex, it was a  moment. Turns out the BPD was well hidden behind his alcoholism and his chronic pain but it had been there all along. Unfortunately, unlike with my mother, being NC is not an option this time. My mother lives in another city, it was easy to just not go there. My ex lives downstairs, we share the yard and the basement. And selling is not an option until at least 8 months or I will lose too much money, I just can't afford that. So I'm reacquainting myself with the tools and getting online therapy. I'm taking care of myself and getting support is important to me right now. Thank you for being there 

[Scarlett2008]

Hello everyone, I haven't visited since 2010. Back then I was dealing with being NC with my uBPDm for 4 years, with all the guilt, confusion and pain from growing up with that kind of mother. One thing that helped back then was my common-law spouse who was a recovering alcoholic. We worked the steps together, the relationship was rocky sometimes but I had always assumed it was because we were both trying to recover from our respective childhood traumas. 4 years later we now own a duplex and after what I'm calling the worst year of my life, I finally decided to leave the relationship. To say he didn't take it well would be an understatement. I got suicide threats, uncontrollable sobbing, hostility... .On Saturday he's unfriending me from Facebook and tells me we can never be friends, on Sunday he making suicide threats, then ask me to marry him, then he wants to babysit my dog when I out... .Sounds familiar ? Then, after some soul searching from his part he tells me he thinks he has BPD. At first I wasn't sure, after all he has a very good job, he's been there almost 8 years and he's very good at what he does, he even got promoted twice.He's well liked by his coworkers and has friends.And there is the stereotype about BPD to be more affecting females than males. But after reading about it and talking some more with my ex, it was a  moment. Turns out the BPD was well hidden behind his alcoholism and his chronic pain but it had been there all along. Unfortunately, unlike with my mother, being NC is not an option this time. My mother lives in another city, it was easy to just not go there. My ex lives downstairs, we share the yard and the basement. And selling is not an option until at least 8 months or I will lose too much money, I just can't afford that. So I'm reacquainting myself with the tools and getting online therapy. I'm taking care of myself and getting support is important to me right now. Thank you for being there 

[Panda39]

Hi Scarlett2008  Again 

I'm sorry to hear it has been a bad year for you and I'm glad you've reached out to us again.

I guess the good news is that you are ahead of the game in your understanding of BPD 

The bad news is that it is going to be a long hard 8 month living with your stbx.  I did that for 6 months with my alcoholic (now ex) husband while I waited for the "short sale" on my townhouse to go through a few years ago. (I am on this site because my SO has an uBPDXw)

Do you have a strategy about how you're going to hang in there until next summer?

I can tell you that I became a moving target always trying to avoid conflict.  3 mile walks daily (good for my mind, my body & time away from my ex), spent time with friends (good support system is key & time away from my ex), spent time at the library (good for my mind, relaxing & a place my ex had no interest in going), Movies (great place to escape for a few hours), spent time on the phone and the grocery store became really exciting   

Anyway I'm glad you've returned and know you'll find lots of support and good advice. 

[Scarlett2008]

Thanks Panda39 for your reply. It feels nice to speak to people who can understand. I have my friends but as you know, it's very difficult to really "get" the situation unless you have known a BPD in your life. About my strategies, I live in Canada so for the first time in my life I'm happy it's cold outside and therefore will not hang out in the common yard for at least until April   Then I will also continue to take care of myself. I find it really important is to work on my own issues, especially on my codependency. Also, I want and need to stay single for a long time this time. In the past, it was like there was a beacon inside of me attracting guys with issues and I always hoped they would all give me the love I didn't get from my uBPDm and rescue me from myself. I'm gonna be 40 next year and I realize I can take care my myself and my needs, I'm no longer a little girl in need of rescue.

[Panda39]

Scarlett2008,

I think we might be long lost sisters!   

I was in a co-dependent marriage for almost 20 years and before him just give me those wonderful screwed up bad boys or troubled boys with "the good heart" I'd go there every time! It's nice to know that some of us when we get a little older do get a little wiser too.  I started my journey when I was a little older than you are now (I'm 51 now) it's never too late to live your life a new way.  I also took time away from men post divorce and focused on me and on my son and I brought the friends in my life a little bit closer. So from my experience it's sounds like you are on the right track.

I'm glad your here and I'll be looking for your posts and more of your story as you as you move forward on your journey.

[Scarlett2008]

Thanks Panda