detaching while being interested

[jedimaster]

Earlier today I had intentions of posting a question asking for tips about maintaining an appropriate level of interest while still detaching and depersonalizing so that I don't get drawn into her constant blame and accusations.  My uBPDw was complaining earlier today that I had shown hardly any interest in what she has been dealing with the past couple of weeks.  In truth she has been almost constantly dysregulated and I have been practically shutting down to keep from losing my cool.  I had to admit her complaint had some basis in reality, so I want to work at listening to her and commenting where appropriate, while at the same time not being drawn into reacting emotionally or personally to her comments.

We went to dinner this afternoon and I had an opportunity to practice a bit more, and I must say it went much better.  I am giving myself an unofficial Oscar nomination for sitting there with an interested expression while being the subject of an incredible string of outlandishly wacky accusations.  I won't bother detailing them as we all have our own lists, but some of them were genuine whoppers.  It was mind-boggling, at least for me.

I did find two things helpful.  One, she was on drugs (she had outpatient surgery and hadn't eaten in about 14 hours so we were getting something on the way home).  I think the pain meds helped keep her calm, which made it even more surreal to hear her describe her alternative reality in a level, calm voice.  If I hadn't learned so much she'd have had me believing every word.

The second help was to keep reminding myself of what I had learned; that her reality was just that--hers.  I was able to listen mindfully to what she said and respond in an understanding way, while acknowledging to myself that it was OK to say "I understand" and not feel like I had to agree with her that everything was my fault.  I know better now, and what I "understand" is worlds apart from what she "understands."  It was empowering to sit there outwardly allowing her to express herself, however inappropriately, and inwardly being aware of the fact that nothing she said was "sticking" to me emotionally.  I almost hated for her to wind down because it was the most free I have felt in ages.  I just hope I can find that state of mind again when she attacks without the mitigating effect of good narcotics. 

The pain med thing also confirmed to me that I made the right decision to ask our family doc to help get her back on her antidepressant (Cymbalta), which up until she took herself off a year ago was making a huge difference in her mood.  She goes to the doc next week, so I have my fingers crossed things will go well.

So things improved during the day thanks to listening skills and hydrocodone, but I'm still open to any suggestions anyone might have for finding the best balance between detachment and interest.

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[Rapt Reader]

That sounds like real progress, jedimaster 

I'm glad your wife made it out of surgery OK, and I wish her a speedy recovery.

You are seeming to get a good handle on the detachment/interest/empathy technique, and one thing I always try to remember when needing to do this myself, is that I love my Husband (or son, M-I-L or D-I-L), and when I detach with love, that helps me be interested in their troubles, and to express empathy kindly.

Keep reading The Lessons, and honing your skills, and eventually this becomes second nature, and your relationship should improve 

[Grey Kitty]

Detachment with interest 101 covers things like the crisis with the kids, the plumbing, her job, etc.

Detachment with interest while you are being attacked is a post-doctoral level class 

Seriously... .you don't have to take much interest in her attacks and accusations aimed at you!

You run a risk of validating the invalid here.

However, if you are able to detach and see that these accusations really are about her feelings, not about you, and validate her feelings... .congratulations!

[jedimaster]

However, if you are able to detach and see that these accusations really are about her feelings, not about you, and validate her feelings... .congratulations!

That's what I'm aiming for.  Looking back after her comments I could see where I had withdrawn to the point even a normal person might have interpreted it as uninterested or hostile.  I don't want to add fuel to her fire, so I'm focusing on detaching emotionally while maintaining an attitude of interest in her feelings and the events themselves.  Staying mindful that her accusations are about her feelings and her inability to deal with them is the key, as you so well pointed out.  When I was able to do that last night, it was so freeing inside that the relief was almost a physical sensation.  I could not remember ever before being able to sit and listen to that stuff and have it just wash right off.  I'm sure that the fact she was quite medicated and in a public place helped.  I know I'll really have to bring my A-game the next time she goes off in private.

... .All these mindfulness techniques, detachment, empathy, etc... .this is quite like using the Force!    I should have chosen Padawan for my handle, I am but a novice in the ways of the Force when it comes to dealing with the BPD-side. 

On the other hand, if you can learn to deal with a pwBPD, levitating chairs, etc, should be a piece of cake... .

[Jessica84]

This is a good topic. Detaching while staying interested seems like an impossible task. For a novice, sounds like you're getting the hang of it! Maybe you're a natural?

I've experienced something similar myself--- feels like a surreal wave of calm (while noticing my blood pressure didn't spike when it normally used to at some of his words or crazymaking behavior and being kind of shocked and elated by my own reaction), while simultaneously being engaged in the present conversation. All very surreal. And yes, quite liberating.

It does make you feel like anything is possible. Let us know when you can levitate chairs! 

USE THE FORCE!