It was my first relationship. She seems BPD. I'm confused. Help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I really need your help.

I can write a whole book about my experience so far, but I will try to keep it organized and as short as possible. I'm just confused because I feel like my situation is really different with others on this board. I've been searching the internet for months for answers, and found this board, and I felt like I could relate.

Preface: We met via an online dating website around 2.5 years ago.

Me: I was 25, and had never been in a relationship before. I was a full-time graduate student, while working part-time. I lived with my parents, and my family has always been a more moderate, yet traditional middle eastern family. Overall, this combination kept me pretty restricted or busy, preventing me from completely being free to do everything I wanted. But I considered myself pretty happy with being alone and such, but always wanted the love, affection, and intimacy that comes with a loving relationship.

Her: She was 20, and had been in 3-4 previous "relationships" since 13, and had dumped all of them. She did not go to college, but worked full time in a car delaership and lived with her brother. She was pretty "free" because her hispanic parents had been strict, so a few years back she had run away from home and lived with her then boyfriend, before living with her brother, but by now her relationship with her parents had been restored, but she had never moved back. Anyway, she had a lot of freedom to do whatever she wanted.

The Relationship: Ok, so we hit it off great! She adored and loved everything about me practically from first sight! It was honestly intoxicating, and I was pretty attracted to her too. Overall, we hit it off great, and became very close and intimate very quickly. The "I love you" stuff started within a few weeks from her and I started returning them. Since we did come from very different backgrounds we did hide the truth from each other for the first few months, which led to some issues, but on my end, discussing and explaining everything made me feel better.

Not for her. This is important. You see, from the very beginning, she seemed like a very spiteful person. Someone who would hold every little thing against me to justify how she slowly started emotionally abusing me over the next two years. According to her, she gave a lot of love and affection and attention to me for the first few months, but I didn't return it. According to her, she spent a lot of time mirroring me, saying she would learn my other language, change her appearance, convert to my religion, etc. because she loved me, but that I wasn't rewarding her for her efforts. So her response was to stop trying in the relationship and to punish me basically.

Honestly, I really loved her and still do, but she always accused me of mistreating her one way or another, and saying I made her miserable and all that. This made me sad for two reasons, first because I really enjoyed making her happy and us being happy together, and second because she would never clearly communicate with me regarding her feelings until she wanted to "breakup" and when it was "too late". This became a huge theme for us.

Don't get me wrong, I made some mistakes too, since I was inexperienced and I was open with her about all this and everything else, but to her, it didn't matter. She said I didn't try hard enough, didn't stand up to my parents enough, wasn't manly enough, was a pushover, was not affectionate enough, was too boring, my quirks were annoying, and all that. These attacks and insults became more frequent as time went on and it really hurt me, because on my end, I loved her for who she was more and more as time went on, but she was doing the opposite.

I always tried hard to communicate with her regarding my feelings and to also get her to tell me her feelings, but it wouldn't really work and she would always want to breakup.

Ah yes, the breakups. So starting at the second year or so, around 12 months in, she would want to breakup after every fight. These breakups would last a few hour or a few days, and it would involve me chasing after her to talk to her, see what the problem is, and try to win her back and solve the issues. But in the end, it wouldn't matter, she would do it again and again. A lot of times she would tell me "I like fighting with you and then making up", but I didn't, I hated fighting.

Anyway, to keep the story short, this past May/June was the "final" and nastiest of all breakups. During my finals week she told me she wanted to breakup over text. This resulted in me chasing after her, begging her, reasoning with her, and all that, and her telling me to get lost, leave her alone, maybe this maybe that, and it made me miserable! I didn't know if we were together or not. She beat me down hard over those 4 weeks, systematically destroying me and tearing me to pieces emotionally. In the end, 2 days after telling me we could work things out, she went and had sex with someone off of Tinder and then basically rubbed it in my face. This destroyed me, I couldn't process it. I never believed she could do something like this to me, and all because I wasn't "independent" enough for her to do everything she wanted.

So, after those 4 weeks, and after being completely destroyed, I went NC. I spent the next 8 weeks or so in misery. 4 weeks into NC she contacted me and said she loves me, she's sorry, but then started showing off her new "relationship" with the Tinder guy, which further destroyed me. I realized that was the nail in the coffin.

But then... .

Starting 1 week after that she started texting me a single text or two every few days. I didn't realize this but she wanted to come back. Until 2 or so weeks later she texted me she loved me, has always loved me, etc.

So despite what everyone was telling me, I decided to start talking to her, then meeting her, then agreeing to "try" and fix things. Why? Because she was so apologetic. She said she felt horrible for what she had done, that the other guy was trash and a mistake, and that she really missed everything about me, loved me a lot, and would do anything for me and everything, for however long necessary to fix things and make me happy.

I bought it... .

I was very open with her that it might take a while to heal and that I was scared she would hurt me again. She basically won over my trust though over the next few weeks. There were some instances of abuse on her part though, like when I was out of a job, and she called me a freeloader in a restaurant and then drove off without me when I expressed anger at her behavior. But the first two weeks or so of October, it seemed like we were happy again, and I was pretty impressed with her efforts.

Everything went to  on Halloween. She went to rave, and we had some arguments over text about how she doesn't even text me for hours to let me know she's ok or how she won't send me a picture of her costume, and how I have to check her instagram and snapchat to check up on her. I was just somewhat upset but no big deal.

The following Monday she starts fighting with me. She says I don't treat her like a girl, and she doesn't see a future with me, and doesn't see herself marrying me, and that I should stop wasting her time! She proceeded to delete me from everything social media related, and said wanted to break up.

She switched back to exactly how she was over the summer. The loving, affectionate girl who I thought had returned suddenly disappeared, to be replaced by the hateful, angry, depressed, and violent person that hurt me so much over the summer. I tried pursuing and reasoning with her again as I did during the summer, telling her how unfair and selfish this was for her to leave me again after just 2 months, when things were going good! But she was unmoved. She said I made her miserable, it was basically all my fault, and that I had guilt-tripped her into returning, which was absurd. She said she didn't want to waste another 2 years with me and doing the same stuff.

I told her, this is beyond absurd! That she was doing the same thing to me again only after 2 months of getting back together! What happened to her loving words, and her apologies, and promises? Just a week prior she was telling me how she wanted to get married to me and have babies and all that. And now, once again, she suddenly didn't care about me one bit.

This all lasted 2 weeks, which ended last Friday. On Friday, she had texted me to say she didn't feel ready for this and had issues to resolve but would be there for me as a non-romantic friend. I got upset, because it was clear BS, and I started arguing with her over text and the phone for hours throughout the day. It ended with me being apologetic and saying sorry and that I would fix things if she gave me a chance, all the while her saying it was too late, and that I needed to leave her alone, and that I made her miserable.

The only thing she told me was that she went to rave, met some cool people, and saw some couples there together. And she thought to herself how she wanted to that stuff with someone she loved. So all of the sudden, she didn't love me anymore, just like that. I told her, this is ridiculous, I'm a few weeks away from graduation and just started a full time job so we can finally go out and do all those things. She said no, I didn't have the same interests as her, I was boring, and all sorts of other things that are totally false about me!

I ended up sending a bunch of begging texts saying everything I loved about her, to which she never responded. I finally got my  together and stopped because I knew it was already going the same way as last time.

Since then, it's been 1 week and no contact from me or her.

Why I'm confused: The first time around, I figured, ok, we were having problems for over a year and maybe we were incompatible and I was forcing her to stay. But then she destroyed me over the month of May-June and left.

Then she came back, was super loving, affectionate, apologetic, and seemed very sincere in her attempts to fix everything she had broken. Up until a week before the breakup she kept telling me not leave her. Then all of the sudden, with a flip of the switch, she left me and said she didn't love me anymore and that she shouldn't have come back.

I feel used! I gave her forgiveness, love, affection, acceptance, a second chance, everything at the cost of my own well-being. I feel like she used me up for two months while looking for a replacement and then left. I have no idea if that's the case though, but I feel like it is.

For some reason, despite all the emotional abuse, I really love this girl, and she keeps hurting me and somehow convinces me that it's my fault. Honestly, I never got the feeling that she cares about me at all, she only cares about her needs and her life. I don't know if she'll come back or gone forever. I'm a mess.

What next?

[embeddedstuck]

I really need your help.

I can write a whole book about my experience so far, but I will try to keep it organized and as short as possible. I'm just confused because I feel like my situation is really different with others on this board. I've been searching the internet for months for answers, and found this board, and I felt like I could relate.

Preface: We met via an online dating website around 2.5 years ago.

Me: I was 25, and had never been in a relationship before. I was a full-time graduate student, while working part-time. I lived with my parents, and my family has always been a more moderate, yet traditional middle eastern family. Overall, this combination kept me pretty restricted or busy, preventing me from completely being free to do everything I wanted. But I considered myself pretty happy with being alone and such, but always wanted the love, affection, and intimacy that comes with a loving relationship.

Her: She was 20, and had been in 3-4 previous "relationships" since 13, and had dumped all of them. She did not go to college, but worked full time in a car delaership and lived with her brother. She was pretty "free" because her hispanic parents had been strict, so a few years back she had run away from home and lived with her then boyfriend, before living with her brother, but by now her relationship with her parents had been restored, but she had never moved back. Anyway, she had a lot of freedom to do whatever she wanted.

The Relationship: Ok, so we hit it off great! She adored and loved everything about me practically from first sight! It was honestly intoxicating, and I was pretty attracted to her too. Overall, we hit it off great, and became very close and intimate very quickly. The "I love you" stuff started within a few weeks from her and I started returning them. Since we did come from very different backgrounds we did hide the truth from each other for the first few months, which led to some issues, but on my end, discussing and explaining everything made me feel better.

Not for her. This is important. You see, from the very beginning, she seemed like a very spiteful person. Someone who would hold every little thing against me to justify how she slowly started emotionally abusing me over the next two years. According to her, she gave a lot of love and affection and attention to me for the first few months, but I didn't return it. According to her, she spent a lot of time mirroring me, saying she would learn my other language, change her appearance, convert to my religion, etc. because she loved me, but that I wasn't rewarding her for her efforts. So her response was to stop trying in the relationship and to punish me basically.

Honestly, I really loved her and still do, but she always accused me of mistreating her one way or another, and saying I made her miserable and all that. This made me sad for two reasons, first because I really enjoyed making her happy and us being happy together, and second because she would never clearly communicate with me regarding her feelings until she wanted to "breakup" and when it was "too late". This became a huge theme for us.

Don't get me wrong, I made some mistakes too, since I was inexperienced and I was open with her about all this and everything else, but to her, it didn't matter. She said I didn't try hard enough, didn't stand up to my parents enough, wasn't manly enough, was a pushover, was not affectionate enough, was too boring, my quirks were annoying, and all that. These attacks and insults became more frequent as time went on and it really hurt me, because on my end, I loved her for who she was more and more as time went on, but she was doing the opposite.

I always tried hard to communicate with her regarding my feelings and to also get her to tell me her feelings, but it wouldn't really work and she would always want to breakup.

Ah yes, the breakups. So starting at the second year or so, around 12 months in, she would want to breakup after every fight. These breakups would last a few hour or a few days, and it would involve me chasing after her to talk to her, see what the problem is, and try to win her back and solve the issues. But in the end, it wouldn't matter, she would do it again and again. A lot of times she would tell me "I like fighting with you and then making up", but I didn't, I hated fighting.

Anyway, to keep the story short, this past May/June was the "final" and nastiest of all breakups. During my finals week she told me she wanted to breakup over text. This resulted in me chasing after her, begging her, reasoning with her, and all that, and her telling me to get lost, leave her alone, maybe this maybe that, and it made me miserable! I didn't know if we were together or not. She beat me down hard over those 4 weeks, systematically destroying me and tearing me to pieces emotionally. In the end, 2 days after telling me we could work things out, she went and had sex with someone off of Tinder and then basically rubbed it in my face. This destroyed me, I couldn't process it. I never believed she could do something like this to me, and all because I wasn't "independent" enough for her to do everything she wanted.

So, after those 4 weeks, and after being completely destroyed, I went NC. I spent the next 8 weeks or so in misery. 4 weeks into NC she contacted me and said she loves me, she's sorry, but then started showing off her new "relationship" with the Tinder guy, which further destroyed me. I realized that was the nail in the coffin.

But then... .

Starting 1 week after that she started texting me a single text or two every few days. I didn't realize this but she wanted to come back. Until 2 or so weeks later she texted me she loved me, has always loved me, etc.

So despite what everyone was telling me, I decided to start talking to her, then meeting her, then agreeing to "try" and fix things. Why? Because she was so apologetic. She said she felt horrible for what she had done, that the other guy was trash and a mistake, and that she really missed everything about me, loved me a lot, and would do anything for me and everything, for however long necessary to fix things and make me happy.

I bought it... .

I was very open with her that it might take a while to heal and that I was scared she would hurt me again. She basically won over my trust though over the next few weeks. There were some instances of abuse on her part though, like when I was out of a job, and she called me a freeloader in a restaurant and then drove off without me when I expressed anger at her behavior. But the first two weeks or so of October, it seemed like we were happy again, and I was pretty impressed with her efforts.

Everything went to  on Halloween. She went to rave, and we had some arguments over text about how she doesn't even text me for hours to let me know she's ok or how she won't send me a picture of her costume, and how I have to check her instagram and snapchat to check up on her. I was just somewhat upset but no big deal.

The following Monday she starts fighting with me. She says I don't treat her like a girl, and she doesn't see a future with me, and doesn't see herself marrying me, and that I should stop wasting her time! She proceeded to delete me from everything social media related, and said wanted to break up.

She switched back to exactly how she was over the summer. The loving, affectionate girl who I thought had returned suddenly disappeared, to be replaced by the hateful, angry, depressed, and violent person that hurt me so much over the summer. I tried pursuing and reasoning with her again as I did during the summer, telling her how unfair and selfish this was for her to leave me again after just 2 months, when things were going good! But she was unmoved. She said I made her miserable, it was basically all my fault, and that I had guilt-tripped her into returning, which was absurd. She said she didn't want to waste another 2 years with me and doing the same stuff.

I told her, this is beyond absurd! That she was doing the same thing to me again only after 2 months of getting back together! What happened to her loving words, and her apologies, and promises? Just a week prior she was telling me how she wanted to get married to me and have babies and all that. And now, once again, she suddenly didn't care about me one bit.

This all lasted 2 weeks, which ended last Friday. On Friday, she had texted me to say she didn't feel ready for this and had issues to resolve but would be there for me as a non-romantic friend. I got upset, because it was clear BS, and I started arguing with her over text and the phone for hours throughout the day. It ended with me being apologetic and saying sorry and that I would fix things if she gave me a chance, all the while her saying it was too late, and that I needed to leave her alone, and that I made her miserable.

The only thing she told me was that she went to rave, met some cool people, and saw some couples there together. And she thought to herself how she wanted to that stuff with someone she loved. So all of the sudden, she didn't love me anymore, just like that. I told her, this is ridiculous, I'm a few weeks away from graduation and just started a full time job so we can finally go out and do all those things. She said no, I didn't have the same interests as her, I was boring, and all sorts of other things that are totally false about me!

I ended up sending a bunch of begging texts saying everything I loved about her, to which she never responded. I finally got my  together and stopped because I knew it was already going the same way as last time.

Since then, it's been 1 week and no contact from me or her.

Why I'm confused: The first time around, I figured, ok, we were having problems for over a year and maybe we were incompatible and I was forcing her to stay. But then she destroyed me over the month of May-June and left.

Then she came back, was super loving, affectionate, apologetic, and seemed very sincere in her attempts to fix everything she had broken. Up until a week before the breakup she kept telling me not leave her. Then all of the sudden, with a flip of the switch, she left me and said she didn't love me anymore and that she shouldn't have come back.

I feel used! I gave her forgiveness, love, affection, acceptance, a second chance, everything at the cost of my own well-being. I feel like she used me up for two months while looking for a replacement and then left. I have no idea if that's the case though, but I feel like it is.

For some reason, despite all the emotional abuse, I really love this girl, and she keeps hurting me and somehow convinces me that it's my fault. Honestly, I never got the feeling that she cares about me at all, she only cares about her needs and her life. I don't know if she'll come back or gone forever. I'm a mess.

What next?