I just don't get it.

[lipstick]

Hi all,

I'm truly beginning to believe my ex wasn't BPD (not diagnosed). He displayed all of the symptoms (Waif) - but his behavior of late makes me wonder.

I have not spoken to him in over two years now. He blocked me on Facebook last December when I wouldn't accept a Friend Request from him. The request came after over a year of Silent Treatment from HIM!  As far as I know - I'm still blocked.

Let me also add that he dumped me to go back to his spouse of 26 years (also has a PD of some kind / possibly BPD). Has been there ever since. Please don't ask about this. I was told a lot of lies that I foolishly believed.  

What has me really second-guessing myself is that mutual friends have shown me recent FB posts he's made. It appears he is totally in love with the spouse again. He's posting all about their great family life and how he wants his children (all grown) to be as awesome as they are. By giving "unconditional love" - being "open minded", blah, blah. According to friends - he's on FB nearly 24 / 7 after nearly two years of almost zero activity.

I don't get it. I'm hated. She's not. I don't want him back or a "recycle". I just don't understand how she's never "painted black". Yet now I'm the devil for all time. And he certainly doesn't practice what he preaches with the whole "forgiveness, unconditional love" garbage. He's been very cruel to me. I don't get how he can suddenly be soo happy after all these years. Their marriage (according to him and friends, co-workers, etc.) has been a nightmare. They're basically roommates that sit up and drink together all night. Perhaps now that he in in his fifties - the BPD has receded?

And to add more - he still keeps tabs on me thru FB. Also calls my house using a blocked number. At least once a week - always on his day(s) off.

Your thoughts would be much appreciated!

[enlighten me]

Hi lipstick

shame and guilt. Thats the simple answer. As for the ex not being painted black well we all know thats never the case. He's return to a comfy place. Not in a its all good but somewhere he can get away wiyh things. The fact that he still reaches out to you shows its not all hearts and flowrrs there. Its one thing ive noticed from my two exs is that when things are going well they never get in touch. He obviously has feelings for you but couldnt stay with you as you triggered him.

[lipstick]

Hi lipstick

shame and guilt. Thats the simple answer. As for the ex not being painted black well we all know thats never the case. He's return to a comfy place. Not in a its all good but somewhere he can get away wiyh things. The fact that he still reaches out to you shows its not all hearts and flowrrs there. Its one thing ive noticed from my two exs is that when things are going well they never get in touch. He obviously has feelings for you but couldnt stay with you as you triggered him.

Enlighten Me,

Thank you for your response. Do you really believe it's that straight-forward?  It makes sense. I remember him always referring to his "comfortable life" at his house.  Even though his spouse has a rap sheet for domestic violence.

She keeps a tight rein on him. He has to account for his every move. She checks their cell phone bill for unknown numbers, digs thru his pockets to look for receipts, calls him and tracks his travel time from work. I did none of that crap. He was either going to behave or he wasn't. Dealbreaker if he didn't. I wonder if keeping tabs on me is his way of "getting away with something" behind her back. He is very sneaky.

[enlighten me]

This is where I messed up with my exs. I gave them too much freedom. BPDs are like children. They need boundaries to feel safe. As children we all wanted to throw a stone through a window but we didnt because we feared the consequences. Now think of the child that doesnt have these boundaries and thats what a pwBPD is like when left to do as they please. The complicated part comes when they are torn between the wild child and the sensible adult. They want that adult relationship that they had with us but need the parent like control. This is something that confused me with my ex is that she stayed in a physically abusive relationship with one of her exs. This line of thought may be wrong but it makes sense to me.

[OutOfEgypt]

To me that sounds *just like* BPD, actually.

My ex went very quickly into infatuations with other men, and I was an object of jokes and ridicule.

It stinks that he keeps tabs on you through FB, but it sounds like you keep tabs on him, too.  The sooner you let him go, the sooner you will be free, too.

[Rise]

This is the problem with judging how things are going solely by what someone puts up on Facebook. Facebook doesn't have a policy of only allowing completely honest posts. I can put on my FB that I'm a multi-millionare that's dating Beyonce. Doesn't mean that it's true.

[Rifka]

Who would want to live this type of life? Be happy you don't have to do all of those things. Sounds like a full time job with no vacation or pay!

[lipstick]

Rise,

Yep - I understand "Fakebook".  He's doing the same things he did last year before he tried to friend me on Facebook. Putting up pictures of items I purchased for him and stating how this is his "favorite" and he "treasures" it. Also reacting to junk he sees on my FB page. It's truly bizarre what he does. He'll see something that triggers him - then go back to his own FB page and "Like" about twenty or so different pages. Is that self-soothing? Calming himself down? Seems odd - but possible.

Same behavior as last year. I think the holidays affect him. Perhaps guilt is stronger this time of year? Don't know. It seems like it.

[Caredverymuch]

Hi lipstick

shame and guilt. Thats the simple answer. As for the ex not being painted black well we all know thats never the case. He's return to a comfy place. Not in a its all good but somewhere he can get away wiyh things. The fact that he still reaches out to you shows its not all hearts and flowrrs there. Its one thing ive noticed from my two exs is that when things are going well they never get in touch. He obviously has feelings for you but couldnt stay with you as you triggered him.

Enlighten Me,

Thank you for your response. Do you really believe it's that straight-forward?  It makes sense. I remember him always referring to his "comfortable life" at his house.  Even though his spouse has a rap sheet for domestic violence.

She keeps a tight rein on him. He has to account for his every move. She checks their cell phone bill for unknown numbers, digs thru his pockets to look for receipts, calls him and tracks his travel time from work. I did none of that crap. He was either going to behave or he wasn't. Dealbreaker if he didn't. I wonder if keeping tabs on me is his way of "getting away with something" behind her back. He is very sneaky.

Lipstick, you are correct. Facebook can indeed be Fakebook and an NPD or BPD dream place for attention.  I believe that's what you are seeing. In my humble opinion, the ppl that go to great length to show the Facebook world how deeply in love they are w their spouse and how perfect their family in such exaggerated ways are often trying to mirror a falseness. Most of my friends who are indeed vey happily married with stable r/s are not trying to impress this fact overtly on FB.

I understand your inquiry regarding your ex going back to a r/s that was or is not fully healthy or fulfilling and appearing happier than ever there. I had a very similar experience w my ex. And it confounds me yet.

I agree with others comments here.  How happy is a wife who has to keep that degree of tabs on her spouses every move?  And further, what prompts this behavior, perhaps past mistrust we know nothing about?  How happy is a husband that has to check in on his every move with his controlling wife, who is really his punitive parent?

This sounds like what I would call an unhealthy but familiar "calm" for a pBPD bc they indeed do tend to do better with regard to stabilizing disregulations in a predictable controlled environments with a stronger partner who can take on that role.  My ex returned to his NPD ex.  Their dance is vey similar to the situation you describe. And very much a facade to the outside world.

Lots of control. Like nothing I'd ever seen. Texting one another continually on the every move.  No real intimacy. But ultimately more "calm" for him then he was in a free and very loving r/s with me. Bc I refuse to control anyone and call that love. And he was disregulated beyond belief trying to be a grown up in our r/s. It is actually sad to look back now and realize how terrified he was trying to be on his own in an adult r/s w a non controlling partner with lots of intimacy ( or at least it appeared so).

He needs that control with no real intimacy to maintain his disorder. He almost ran back to that very predictable, very controlling environment where he claimed so often to not be the type of  r/s he really wanted. Like a cog in a wheel, that's his life. Calm to him.  Safe.

And he, like your ex, continues to bait me yet.

That doesn't meet my version of happier than ever.

[lipstick]

CaredVeryMuch,

Thank you for your thoughtful & insightful post. Makes complete sense about the type of environment they are "comfortable" with. Our situations are VERY similar.

I agree that he's probably putting up a false front to the FB world. That way he feels like he's somebody. Not a failure.

Perhaps he does regret what he did to me. Why else the need to check up on what I'm doing? I don't post much on FB - but my significant other puts up pics on my page that he's taken of me. Otherwise - there's not much to see or read. I don't like putting personal info out there.

You're right- their life is not special. It's quite crappy, actually. Maybe that also plays into why he wants to see how I'm doing. A twinge of regret, perhaps?  He will never let it show - but I think it's there.

My ex also does not experience intimacy (sex) with his spouse. He's been doing without for about fourteen years. With the exception of the time spent with me. His spouse is twelve years his senior and she has no interest in "relations". Doesn't even like to be touched.

So there you have it. He also went "running" back to her when he lost his job and couldn't face me. Been there ever since. Yet obviously I am still on his mind. He just can't let anyone know that, of course.

[myself]

I can't even count the number of times my ex used the word 'safe' to describe her place in the r/s and how she needed things to be. How she felt so good with me because she DID feel safe with me, and also to NOT be with me because she'd been triggered and didn't feel safe with me. We recycled many times and this was the most constant theme. Even though by the end I had learned about how to better deal with a pwBPD, adapting and making it as safe for her as possible as far as a happy loving home where she could be protected from the things that troubled/scared her (except for the real friendship and intimacy). So she left someone she could actually be safe with to go back to the uncertain disordered chaos she was used to.

[Caredverymuch]

CaredVeryMuch,

Thank you for your thoughtful & insightful post. Makes complete sense about the type of environment they are "comfortable" with. Our situations are VERY similar.

I agree that he's probably putting up a false front to the FB world. That way he feels like he's somebody. Not a failure.

Perhaps he does regret what he did to me. Why else the need to check up on what I'm doing? I don't post much on FB - but my significant other puts up pics on my page that he's taken of me. Otherwise - there's not much to see or read. I don't like putting personal info out there.

You're right- their life is not special. It's quite crappy, actually. Maybe that also plays into why he wants to see how I'm doing. A twinge of regret, perhaps?  He will never let it show - but I think it's there.

He's showing the outside world his exaggerated "happiness" for validation. More attention. This feeds his own Narcissism. 

He checks up on you bc you are an attachment.  He's "safe" now in his controlled environment. But not happy.  Happiness is layers and layers beneath what he feels.  He feels empty most of the time and has very little sense of self.  He is not "happy." His emotions change moment to moment. He's terrified underneath it all. 

His lack of self and shame prohibits him from contacting you in a mature way to see how you are doing.

He's checking in on you bc you are an attachment and in many ways he is still maintaining some degree of soothing from knowing you are still around.  His object constancy issue could be at play.  Your photo reminds him who you were.

If you block him and all forms of visibility of yourself, this could feed his abandonment issues. 

I blocked mine from everything a few mos ago. I'm "gone" in every way and he can't "find me" that way anymore.

It fed an extinction burst. 1 and 1/2 yrs post BU.  Baiting's. Drive bys. Ridiculous acts of immaturity.  Where by I remain completely indifferent as if he is thin air. A ghost. No reaction at all.

I know this terrifies him and I do not do this to promote meanness. I do this to protect me and my wellbeing.

This all while he maintains the happier than ever facade with his chosen reconciliatory return to his partner.

Sad, isn't it?

[lipstick]

CaredVeryMuch,

Thank you for your thoughtful & insightful post. Makes complete sense about the type of environment they are "comfortable" with. Our situations are VERY similar.

I agree that he's probably putting up a false front to the FB world. That way he feels like he's somebody. Not a failure.

Perhaps he does regret what he did to me. Why else the need to check up on what I'm doing? I don't post much on FB - but my significant other puts up pics on my page that he's taken of me. Otherwise - there's not much to see or read. I don't like putting personal info out there.

You're right- their life is not special. It's quite crappy, actually. Maybe that also plays into why he wants to see how I'm doing. A twinge of regret, perhaps?  He will never let it show - but I think it's there.

He's showing the outside world his exaggerated "happiness" for validation. More attention. This feeds his own Narcissism. 

He checks up on you bc you are an attachment.  He's "safe" now in his controlled environment. But not happy.  Happiness is layers and layers beneath what he feels.  He feels empty most of the time and has very little sense of self.  He is not "happy." His emotions change moment to moment. He's terrified underneath it all. 

His lack of self and shame prohibits him from contacting you in a mature way to see how you are doing.

He's checking in on you bc you are an attachment and in many ways he is still maintaining some degree of soothing from knowing you are still around.  His object constancy issue could be at play.  Your photo reminds him who you were.

If you block him and all forms of visibility of yourself, this could feed his abandonment issues. 

I blocked mine from everything a few mos ago. I'm "gone" in every way and he can't "find me" that way anymore.

It fed an extinction burst. 1 and 1/2 yrs post BU.  Baiting's. Drive bys. Ridiculous acts of immaturity.  Where by I remain completely indifferent as if he is thin air. A ghost. No reaction at all.

I know this terrifies him and I do not do this to promote meanness. I do this to protect me and my wellbeing.

This all while he maintains the happier than ever facade with his chosen reconciliatory return to his partner.

Sad, isn't it?

Yes - it's very sad.  I actually deactivated my FB account for a while. My friends and family kept saying that I was letting him "win" by leaving FB. I'm not on it very much at all anymore (boring), so I don't really care if he looks.

I don't think you're being mean at all with your actions towards your ex. You have to protect yourself and I understand that. Mine calls my house using a blocked number. At least once a week. Always on either Monday or Thursday. His days off. Juvenile, high school antics.

I wonder if he's going to attempt contact again during the holidays like last year. Or if he's too terrified of how I would react (rejection).  I have to say that I do take a small bit of satisfaction in hearing that no one really gives a damn about what he posts on FB. Even his kids ignore him!  Mwahahaha ! 

[Caredverymuch]

CaredVeryMuch,

Thank you for your thoughtful & insightful post. Makes complete sense about the type of environment they are "comfortable" with. Our situations are VERY similar.

I agree that he's probably putting up a false front to the FB world. That way he feels like he's somebody. Not a failure.

Perhaps he does regret what he did to me. Why else the need to check up on what I'm doing? I don't post much on FB - but my significant other puts up pics on my page that he's taken of me. Otherwise - there's not much to see or read. I don't like putting personal info out there.

You're right- their life is not special. It's quite crappy, actually. Maybe that also plays into why he wants to see how I'm doing. A twinge of regret, perhaps?  He will never let it show - but I think it's there.

He's showing the outside world his exaggerated "happiness" for validation. More attention. This feeds his own Narcissism. 

He checks up on you bc you are an attachment.  He's "safe" now in his controlled environment. But not happy.  Happiness is layers and layers beneath what he feels.  He feels empty most of the time and has very little sense of self.  He is not "happy." His emotions change moment to moment. He's terrified underneath it all. 

His lack of self and shame prohibits him from contacting you in a mature way to see how you are doing.

He's checking in on you bc you are an attachment and in many ways he is still maintaining some degree of soothing from knowing you are still around.  His object constancy issue could be at play.  Your photo reminds him who you were.

If you block him and all forms of visibility of yourself, this could feed his abandonment issues. 

I blocked mine from everything a few mos ago. I'm "gone" in every way and he can't "find me" that way anymore.

It fed an extinction burst. 1 and 1/2 yrs post BU.  Baiting's. Drive bys. Ridiculous acts of immaturity.  Where by I remain completely indifferent as if he is thin air. A ghost. No reaction at all.

I know this terrifies him and I do not do this to promote meanness. I do this to protect me and my wellbeing.

This all while he maintains the happier than ever facade with his chosen reconciliatory return to his partner.

Sad, isn't it?

Yes - it's very sad.  I actually deactivated my FB account for a while. My friends and family kept saying that I was letting him "win" by leaving FB. I'm not on it very much at all anymore (boring), so I don't really care if he looks.

I don't think you're being mean at all with your actions towards your ex. You have to protect yourself and I understand that. Mine calls my house using a blocked number. At least once a week. Always on either Monday or Thursday. His days off. Juvenile, high school antics.

I wonder if he's going to attempt contact again during the holidays like last year. Or if he's too terrified of how I would react (rejection).  I have to say that I do take a small bit of satisfaction in hearing that no one really gives a damn about what he posts on FB. Even his kids ignore him!  Mwahahaha ! 

What I take from much of this are two things.  How often was he baiting the former replacement that he left, behind my back, when he was still w me. Professing undying love and commitment to his soulmate found. And how much he would be doing the very same while convincingly professing commitment to only me if I were still with him.

They are skilled at this stuff.

If your ex is indeed calling you from a blocked number twice a week my prediction is he would just hang up if you answered.  The fact you responded in any way would soothe the ill need.