Why do they stop idolizing?

[Craydar]

Why do pwBPD stop idolizing? Aside from simply thinking that they have you hooked, what triggers the change to devaluation?

[Blimblam]

Why do pwBPD stop idolizing? Aside from simply thinking that they have you hooked, what triggers the change to devaluation?

Fear of abandonment and engulfment is at the core of it. So with my ex I got really busy and becuase of her object consistancy issues she felt abandoned by me and began to resent me and dysregulate and she communicated this by presenting all these problems she had in her life all these mountains made out of molehills. So I offered her solutions and some work to help with her financial issues she was raising then she felt enfulfed by the work like I was seeking to control her every move and she began to resent me more and rebel against me like I was her dad.  I needed a little space and she spent the weekend at her place and she felt abandoned and went and started seeing other guys to rescue her from mean old me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Why do pwBPD stop idolizing?

Because you're not perfect.  To a borderline all new suitors are perfect to begin with, an idealized fantasy of someone who will complete them, make them feel whole, solve all their problems and never leave them.  And then, when you do something as benign as relaxing into the relationship once the honeymoon is over, it can be interpreted as you abandoning them, or about to.  Plus, the closer you get, the more intense the borderline's emotions get and the push/pull dance starts, which has nothing to do with you.  So someone who was once the White Knight, the savior, the person who could soothe a borderline's emotions perfectly, now becomes the trigger for those emotions, and is going to leave anyway, and all of those feelings are just too intense, time to dump them on you, make you 100% bad, the repository for all the sht, so you are now filling the role of scumbag.  And all of that is a normal cycle for a borderline, there's nothing you could have done to change it, and it will be exactly the same with anyone else.  Mental illness; it's ugly in there.

So what's next for you?

[enlighten me]

As healtotoe said. Its because in the begining they have expectations of you. When you slowly stop reaching their expectations they start to devalue you. This is something I have read ON SITES FOR PWBPD. It is also why recycles get shorter as they remember your shortcomings.

[Infared]

They find a new source and rip the pedestal out from under you and put it under the new supply.

[Deeno02]

A multitude of reasons:

In my case, I was placed on such a pedestal, I couldnt keep up with the demands of more, even though I didnt change how Ive always been, the needs kept on growing.

I had 2 kids, one in college and a house to run as well. Lawn doesnt mow itself, laundry doesnt clean its self

I like time to myself as well. Even just an hour or two to do something I like was too much.

Neediness by them.

Her schedule, which somehow became my problem. 2 kids in travel soccer, 1 in football, her recreational VB, her coaching VB, VB tournaments

My daughter who came home to live from Milwakee so she could attend a closer University(things were cool as long as she was in Milwaukee, she came home and ___ got real. She got jealous of my daughter, called her a cock block and my wife) What the heck?

Her apathy. I couldnt be sick and stay at home so as not to spread germs to her 5 kids, it was always looked at as me not wanting to spend time with her.

I could go on, but upon review, it boils down to this... .you become a fu*k up on something so trivial or minor, you start circling the drain, eventually you either break and end it, or you shatter, become a shell of a man you once were and she fires you for such horse ___ thats made up or once was ok, but its brought up from over a year ago and used against you. You just cant win.

[clydegriffith]

This is a very good question and i will outline why/when my devaluation began.

I got uBPDx pregnant within a month of meeting her. She said she was keeping the baby so me in my righteous stupidity tried to "do the right thing" and we start living together shortly after the baby is born and i confirm that i am the father. Now, the uBPDx has two other very young children and we were now in a scenario in which i would work long hours and she would be home with two toddlers and a newborn with very little help since we didn't have much family around where we were living.

I now know that before she was with me she had the father of the two other kids pretty much babysitting those kids while she was out in about working and doing god knows what else. I think she began to devalue me because i wouldn't do that.

She trapped the latest replacement with a child as well and his him babysitting and working 12  hour days. That's not going to end well. 

[neverloveagain]

We were all doomed from the start. Every move you make with BPD is like taking one step away from them in their minds.

[seeking balance]

A lot of good feedback thus far.

To a pwBPD, when they meet you - you really are the savior for them.  "Finally,  I will be loved, I will be whole, I matter, I am safe" all these things FEEL very real to them - this is that idealization time.

Eventually, you are human.  You get angry and you are not perfect.  Black/white thinking is central to the disorder.  I have to say, it is one of the most common fleas we see around the boards too.  If you are not the savior (idolizing) then you must be the devil (devalue).  High functioning pwBPD are resourceful, they feel this but you won't know it - they are survivors.

This is rarely conscious behavior and it is masked with a lot of unneeded chaos with other things most of the time so we are so unsure when it started with us.  What I can tell you is this - it started A LONG TIME BEFORE you ever noticed it.

BPD Emotions are like icebergs - what you see on the surface may look big, but it is nothing compared to under the water.

Best,

SB

[Deeno02]

A lot of good feedback thus far.

To a pwBPD, when they meet you - you really are the savior for them.  "Finally,  I will be loved, I will be whole, I matter, I am safe" all these things FEEL very real to them - this is that idealization time.

Eventually, you are human.  You get angry and you are not perfect.  Black/white thinking is central to the disorder.  I have to say, it is one of the most common fleas we see around the boards too.  If you are not the savior (idolizing) then you must be the devil (devalue).  High functioning pwBPD are resourceful, they feel this but you won't know it - they are survivors.

This is rarely conscious behavior and it is masked with a lot of unneeded chaos with other things most of the time so we are so unsure when it started with us.  What I can tell you is this - it started A LONG TIME BEFORE you ever noticed it.

BPD Emotions are like icebergs - what you see on the surface may look big, but it is nothing compared to under the water.

Best,

SB

well said... .