False accusations - real pain

[A maze]

Our 15 year old daughter (BPD traits) has been giving us a really hard time for three years now.  Oer the past year she has attacked us in a way we never thought possible.  We are a no drama family of six.  Our 15 year old is the eldest of our four children.  Last January we received a call from child services saying there was a complaint made about parental abuse on our daughter (she had complained to the school that we were violent with her).  We had to go through the whole nine yards of investigation (questioning of all children individually, at school, submitting medical reports) being questioned like we were criminals... .  Basically to them we were guilty until they can prove otherwise.   Thankfully they were able to.  After 33 days of hell, child services congratulated us on being great parents and having done everything we can with dealing with our "troubled teen".  The file was closed.  Although this hurt us terribly, we now understand that this was probably a very clumsy way of asking for help, on our daughter's part.  We are still heeling from this.  Unfortunately, although she is now followed by a psychologist, psychiatrist and is on anxiety reducing meds, she continues to invent all sorts of rubbish about my husband and I.  She has also started bad mouthing her 13 year old sister at their high school.  We are breaking isolation now and have informed the school as well as her boyfriend's parents of the challenges our daughter has.  Unfortunately she continues... .  On the internet, on the school bus, at school... .  Basically on any forum she can, she tells everyone we are awful, violent people.  Inevitably this is getting to the ears of friends parent's who we've known for years and whose other children are friends with our other, non-BPD, children.  This all creates such a stress on all of us.  My three non-BPD children are so fed up... .One of them has asked me to make her leave our family.  We don't know how to handle this... .  If we let everyone know the issues she has it seems we are hindering her but if we don't, we are subject to so much damage!

So hard to be trying to help her and being so hurt by her all at once.

Has anyone gone through this or has insight on how to handle this situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

hi there a maze. 

I'm really sorry that you are struggling with your daughter right now.

I can assure you that she is not a lost cause, and this place is here for you, as a parent.

I can tell you from own my own experience with BPD daughter, that I went through much of the same stuff. Being villainized by the BPD child is not easy, but quite common.

My DD has told anybody and everybody how horrible we are, she says we are soo mean to her, and that we treat her non BPD siblings far better... etc... .Like you just select one of  your children to abuse while the others live the good life.

I think having in to see the psychologist and Psychiatrist are probably great ideas.

You can use the tools and the lessons that you see on the right side of this board as helpful information. I have found the benefits to be great.

I think you need to read up on setting boundaries, be consistant in your boundary setting as well. draw the line very clearly in the sand, let her know that if she does X then Y will be the result, and then follow through. Boundary setting is crucial with a BPD. It is by no means the cure or the only answer, but key.

I can also tell you that a BPD only thinks in black and white, and they do everything based on the emotions they are feeling in that moment.

My DD rages, and then suffers horrible guilt and remorse, she goes to a very dark place and takes days to come back sometimes.

what Im trying to tell you is, you are not alone here. We all here for you, and we all share similar stories. Do take timeout for yourself, and know I am thinking of you.

[A maze]

Thank you so much.  Just knowing that someone else can relate to what we are going through brings me comfort.  I do know that she suffers from the pain we have as a result of her actions.  That was actually one of the first thoughts I had when I was being interviewed by child services... .  I kept thinking, "how will she react towards herself when (now I can add if) she realizes the impact of her actions"... .  Unfortunately it just keeps happening... .  At this point, part of me thinks she does it because she knows it makes us react, it hurts us.  I spoke with my husband about not giving her the power of knowing it hurts us.  He thought it was a good idea.  so we sat with her and explained that we don't feel threatened by her lying and manipulating anymore.  We explained to her that we don't enjoy it and we wished she would chose different strategies to be heard or obtain what she wants, but we explained we know we can't force her to do the right thing or make the right decisions.  We told her that we are extremely confident in our parenting skills... .that even child services congratulated us on doing a great job after they had dug into our lives to see if there was anything to back her accusations.  We are not expressing our pain about that anymore.  I just reassure the little ones and tell them that the people around us know that we are good parents and that is all that really matters.  We reassured them that even if child services were to come into or lives again the little ones would have nothing to fear, they would not risk being taken away from us.  (Now my husband and I just have to convince ourselves that we can go on, even though we know that she will continue).

Thanks for your message tristesse, it really does help.  BTW,tristesse... .isn't that français?

[lever.]

Hello A maze-I'm pleased that you found your way to the parent's board.

In the past I have had similar experiences. I am aware that we have not been perfect parents but my daughter as a young adult used to tell stories of quite extreme abuse. She never went so far as to formally report anything.

I don't think that she was telling deliberate lies.I think she actually FELT as if she had been treated differently and abused and, as sometimes happens with BPD her logic worked backwards and the facts were made to fit the feelings.

It initially caused me embarrassment and distress as I work for the health service locally and abuse was being reported to my colleagues.

I used to say to myself "She can take your reputation but not your character" and the truth does tend to come out in the end.

This did have a knock on effect on her younger sister as friends and teachers were pulled in. Currently my daughters are in their early 30s and are not in contact with each other-which is difficult and sad for me.

I think that I said in my introduction that sometimes our stories are uncannily similar and what you describe is like my life 12 years ago.

After a really dark and difficult period in her early 20s my DD is now doing well. I wish I had had the knowledge then that I have picked up from this site and from books that have been recommended here.

A begining may be to validate your daughters feelings "You seem to feel that we don't care for you" but do not apologize for anything that you didn't actually do.

[tristesse]

A maze, first let me answer you by saying yes it is French, it means sadness. I chose it because my DD lives in sadness, which makes me sad as well.

Secondly I want to tell you that,You and your family will go through some stuff, it is a continuous battle. Some people with BPD recover and lead very happy functional lives, and with the proper therapy and support from loved ones, your DD may be one of those. She is still young and you can control a lot of what she does and if she goes to therapy or not etc. DBT ( dialectical behavioral therapy ) is the recommended therapy, and hopefully that is what type your DD is getting now.

you will learn as you go through this site, Validate the valid, ( that is very important ) do not give credit to anything that is not valid. Listen with an open mind, you will learn SET ( support empathy truth ), Again such a useful tool when dealing with a BPD, and you will learn to never JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain ). These lessons take time, and it is important to practice them, we get better as we go along.

My DD is now 31, she is very low functioning, and has a host of other issues, she has BPD, PTSD, ADD, anxiety and depression plus she suffers macular degeneration and spinal stenosis. She is unable to work, and somedays unable to leave the house.  I believe if we had gotten the proper diagnosis and treatment for her when she was young, we may have had a greater chance at success, unfortunately she went undiagnosed and untreated for too many years. Her diagnosis as a BPD came to us only 4 years ago. She had been through therapist after therapist and they had. treated her for BI-POLAR  at one point and Schizophrenia at another.

Unfortunately she had been displaying the traits from about age 10, at age 13 she was cutting, by age 16 we had 3 suicide attempts.

Again I share my story with you, not to scare you, or invoke sympathy from you, but to let you know that myself, and others have been down your road. You are not alone and we want to help you.

Please do keep us informed on how your DD and your family are doing.

And do take time out for yourself.

[A maze]

I am so lucky to have come across this website support.  I am in the process of taking in all the different tools available on the website.  I have to say that it's just all so overwhelming... .

This being said, knowing that both of you (tristesse and lever) have made it through such similar situations and are still standing and willing to help us "juniors" out (only been intensely dealing with our BPD DD for three years now)... .it really does give me hope.

I am only now beginning to grieve the relationship I had hoped to have with my daughter.  Also, at times, I question my ability to have the energy necessary to handle all of this.  I feel like my life is being taken away from me.  I don't mean to overdo it... .  I just don't really have anyone other than my husband whom I can say this to and they would understand.  I am strong, I am reassuring to my children, I do what needs to be done, but I am also feeling the tole this is taking on me.  And it's only been 3 intense years?  I think of the future, when she starts working, if and when her boyfriend decides he's had enough (psychiatrist says if that happens we need to be on suicide watch 24/7 because that relationship is everything to her), her schooling (she used to be a straight A student.  Now she had trouble just getting her basic work done), what if someday she decides she wants to have children?  How can she?  Sorry, just overwhelmed... .

Thank you both!  I will take the time to take in all the tools!  Thank you for being there and for taking the time to share!

[Panda39]

I don't have BPD but was an incredibly rebellious teenager... .sex, drugs, cutting class (for more than a year!), older boyfriend, running away... .So in some ways I see myself in your daughter.

Through her story I also see what I put my parents through for the three years (13-16) that I ran amuck.  My parents almost gave up on me... .what finally turned me around was them threatening to put me in Foster Care. (What? they didn't want me?... .me the charming screwed up teenager that was their daughter?  ) It took some time to repair the trust and it took "Continuation School" to get back in the swing of things with my education but I did get back on track.  If not for the love of my parents and them keeping the pressure on me who knows where I'd be now.

Hi A maze,

Above is a quote from me to another mom on this site and I want to share it with you too.  As I said above I do not have BPD I'm on this site because my SO has an uBPDxw but I do often find myself seeing the young, confused, rebellious, wild child me in the posts of some of the parents here. 

Your daughter tugs at my heart.  I by no means condone false allegations to child services but my guess is she did not mean to initiate an investigation into your family.  I very easily could have done something similar when I was a teen.  I frequently told anyone and everyone how horrible my parents were and how mean they were to me (picture a girl with her arms crossed and pouty face  ).  In my day a million years ago... .okay 30 years ago   I'm not sure if we had the same type of mechanisms in place that schools do now so that might be how I avoided the all out "Red Alert" that you experienced or if it was because my parents were active and known by my H.S. counselors and teachers, or it might have been I just wasn't believed but thankfully things didn't go down that path. 

I certainly can't speak to what is going on in your daughter's head but I remember always being asked by adults what was going on with me?  My response a sullen "I don't know", then on to how it was everyone else's fault. 

Looking back on the younger me there were a number of things going on... .Hormones, Boys, stretching my independence, experimentation, fitting in... .but underneath were things I didn't know how to express... .low self esteem, insecurity, feeling not smart enough and feeling invisible.

I once went to a "Communications Workshop" during this period with many teens and one of the exercises we did was to close our eyes and first imagine our fathers coming in and sitting in front of us and there was my dad in his business suit with his briefcase (I loved him dearly but he wasn't home enough... .my perception was him of working).  Part 2 was imagine our mother coming in and sitting in front of us and there was my mom yelling at me (I was never good enough, smart enough... .my perception was I was inadequate).   Now grown up amateur psychologist me sees the sad lonely girl that acted out to get attention.  Good attention or bad they had to give it to me... .they had to see me... .to deal with me.

I certainly don't know your whole story from one post and don't know your daughter at all but the 15 year old me would say give your daughter a little extra of your time, do some things one on one, validate how she feels and give her a pat on the back for the good stuff she does she might be sensitive, she might be feeling lost or left out among her siblings.

That being said keep posting here, keep learning the tools that can help with communication, keep reading and learning about BPD.

Keep loving her and your other kids... .be mom