Having a hard time now

[Craydar]

I'm having a bad time now. I miss her so much and know she's out with her new victim of 3 months now. I have to keep reminding myself how horrible she was to me, so disrespectful, uncaring, and selfish. Why do I care? Why do I still want her? It's not because I can't have her, that's garbage. I have self respect. It goes much deeper than that.  It's certainly not as if I don't have other women now who want to be with me. That's far from my problem. She wasn't perfect, just perfect for me. Everyone telling me to just move on isn't helping. I want to contact her but don't know what to say especially during the idolizing phase with this new guy.

[seeking balance]

  Craydar

I want to contact her but don't know what to say especially during the idolizing phase with this new guy.

Contact is a way ever single person on this Leaving has used at some point to numb the pain.  And it works, for a moment, then - we have to lean into the pain.

If she is nice to you - it is going to hurt

If she ignores you - it is going to hurt

In this moment - hurting is where you are 

You are not alone in this pain and I promise you this, it will pass. 

When I started ruminating about the replacement and such, I found it helpful to distract my brain with anything... .I did a lot of hot yoga - I had to focus or I would hurt myself.  Many people here started boxing and kickboxing.

Trusted friends  - use them - anything to distract.

Hang in there,

SB

[Craydar]

 Craydar

I want to contact her but don't know what to say especially during the idolizing phase with this new guy.

Contact is a way ever single person on this Leaving has used at some point to numb the pain.  And it works, for a moment, then - we have to lean into the pain.

If she is nice to you - it is going to hurt

If she ignores you - it is going to hurt

In this moment - hurting is where you are 

You are not alone in this pain and I promise you this, it will pass. 

When I started ruminating about the replacement and such, I found it helpful to distract my brain with anything... .I did a lot of hot yoga - I had to focus or I would hurt myself.  Many people here started boxing and kickboxing.

Trusted friends  - use them - anything to distract.

Hang in there,

SB

Thank you SB, I know I posted this on the leaving board but I'm not necessarily determined to move on.

[CareTaker]

but I'm not necessarily determined to move on

Craydar, let's be honest. The woman you met was just an illusion. It wasn't the real her. It was just a fake personality to get you to love them.

The real person was that one that constantly lied to you, had affairs, verbally abused you, blamed everything that went wrong on you. That is the reality.

You miss the illusion and feel bad (call it jealous) that your replacement is now having all the fun with your illusion. Not your ex. Your ex is someone completely different. We know that for a fact.

You missing a moment in the past, that you will never experience with this woman again. To be very honest and straight forward, if this ex so much haunts you, then the fault could be with you. There is a reason why you got addicted (not in love) to a dysfunctional woman. There is a reason why you couldn't leave this woman, and there is a reason why you miss this woman.

And I am not saying it is, but a possible answer could be in the way you where brought up. You could have experienced some type of abuse as a child. Maybe even so young, you don't remember it. But sub consciously it is a wound inside you. The verbal abuse and make up/break up ways of this woman, triggered those feelings. And you reliving something of the past. I suggest if your obsession with this woman doesn't fade, you get help from a psychiatrist.  But it must be one who understand Borderline Personality Disorder. Or they will waste your time and money.

Important that you take care of YOU now. Once you have healed that wound, you will realize that there is no way in hell that you would ever want to be in such a relationship.

It just is not normal.

[Craydar]

Thanks Caretaker. Your advice is good. As you know it takes time to make it stick. I've never acted like this with another woman, so it's hard for me to understand why I do it.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm not going to tell you to get over it. But what finally made me decide to go no contact and give up permanently, was that I realized that not only could it not work because she's really sick. But I will never forgive her (completely) or trust her again after she heaped so much abuse and lies onto me.

I loved her with the passion of ten thousand suns, I suffered for her unimaginably. When we broke up, I even wrote like 30 poems and songs about her. It doesn't mean it can work, and it doesn't mean she will treat me better. And lets be honest here, we all deserve WAY better than they gave us. I will NEVER love someone as wrecklessly and as passionately again, and that's fine, then there will be room for me and my family and friends and not just her black hole. Whatever decision you make, I hope it works out for you. Because you deserve a better life.

[Craydar]

I'm not going to tell you to get over it. But what finally made me decide to go no contact and give up permanently, was that I realized that not only could it not work because she's really sick. But I will never forgive her (completely) or trust her again after she heaped so much abuse and lies onto me.

I loved her with the passion of ten thousand suns, I suffered for her unimaginably. When we broke up, I even wrote like 30 poems and songs about her. It doesn't mean it can work, and it doesn't mean she will treat me better. And lets be honest here, we all deserve WAY better than they gave us. I will NEVER love someone as wrecklessly and as passionately again, and that's fine, then there will be room for me and my family and friends and not just her black hole. Whatever decision you make, I hope it works out for you. Because you deserve a better life.

We met during a very turbulent time in both of our lives. Both in our 40's we each dealt with divorce and exSpouse issues. In all honesty, hers being devastating. This is why I struggle with her having BPD and not just PTSD and trust issues. She has ADD, so that just complicates things. Again, not trying to excuse her actions but maybe time will tell.

[Blimblam]

I'm having a bad time now. I miss her so much and know she's out with her new victim of 3 months now. I have to keep reminding myself how horrible she was to me, so disrespectful, uncaring, and selfish. Why do I care? Why do I still want her? It's not because I can't have her, that's garbage. I have self respect. It goes much deeper than that.  It's certainly not as if I don't have other women now who want to be with me. That's far from my problem. She wasn't perfect, just perfect for me. Everyone telling me to just move on isn't helping. I want to contact her but don't know what to say especially during the idolizing phase with this new guy.

I can relate to everything you stated here.

I found working through the projections to help. What was she projecting? What was I projecting? For me to comprehend this I had to understand the psyche itself which is one thing to conceptualiZe and extremely painful and terrifying in practice.

Their are multiple reasons and layers: truama bonds, Transference counter transference of what lurks in your shadow, anima projection.

[BuildingFromScratch]

We met during a very turbulent time in both of our lives. Both in our 40's we each dealt with divorce and exSpouse issues. In all honesty, hers being devastating. This is why I struggle with her having BPD and not just PTSD and trust issues. She has ADD, so that just complicates things. Again, not trying to excuse her actions but maybe time will tell.

I think it's great that you can empathize with her. I do with my ex, but you've gotta empathize with yourself too. You deserve a good life, don't you? I find that a lot of us here, we're not really good at empathizing with ourselves. Anyways, I didn't go no contact myself at first. I spammed 10000 messages to her facebook because the despair was so bad that I felt like I couldn't live without her, and even imagined killing myself on train tracks, since when we first met we skipped on train trains in a carefree way. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about it. Good luck man, hope you feel better!

[Craydar]

I can relate to everything you stated here.

I found working through the projections to help. What was she projecting? What was I projecting? For me to comprehend this I had to understand the psyche itself which is one thing to conceptualiZe and extremely painful and terrifying in practice.

Their are multiple reasons and layers: truama bonds, Transference counter transference of what lurks in your shadow, anima projection.

You lost me in the second paragraph. Maybe I need to read up on some of the lingo. Thanks for your thoughts

[Blimblam]

I can relate to everything you stated here.

I found working through the projections to help. What was she projecting? What was I projecting? For me to comprehend this I had to understand the psyche itself which is one thing to conceptualiZe and extremely painful and terrifying in practice.

Their are multiple reasons and layers: truama bonds, Transference counter transference of what lurks in your shadow, anima projection.

You lost me in the second paragraph. Maybe I need to read up on some of the lingo. Thanks for your thoughts

It's definately worth looking into.  Also I forgot to mention falling in love with my idealized self from the idealization.  The posts of member 2010 cover the falling in love with idealized self pretty well. 

For Truman's bonds the book betrayl bonds.  For transference counter transference there is a lot of good info on the net.  For the deeper aspects of projection I recommend the books man and his symbols by Carl Jung and archetypes and the unconcious mind by Carl Jung.