"I like fighting with you... "

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex broke up with me in May after 2 year, rocky relationship. She blamed me and the relationship for her unhappiness and constant anger. It was a messy breakup as I tried to beg and plead and reason with her for 4 weeks to not leave, but she did so by jumping into a casual sexual relationship with someone else. This destroyed me completely. I left her alone, but then around 2-3 months later she came back apologzing, saying she realized how much she loved me, and wanted to make things right and make me happy.

2 months later, 2 weeks ago, she abruptly got up and left in the same fashion, saying the same things, with a lot of anger, saddness, and then "feeling numb." I begged for those 2 weeks but then realized it's the same thing and simply stopped.

One thing to point out is that although I did start some arguments with her when I was unhappy with her actions, most times she would start fights with me. Either way, she would escalate every fight into how unhappy I maker her in general. Later, these fights would end with breakups that would last a few days. This behavior started happening again when we got back together two months ago. Most times I would be the one who would try to make up with her, because I thought the fights were stupid.

One thing that always surprised me is when sometimes she would tell me that she likes fighting with me. Or when I would get upset, sad, angry, she would say how she likes me sharing my feelings. When I would get really upset, then she would try to comfort me. That was in the past, recently she likes to just watch me suffer.

I did not like fighting ever! Every fight was draining and painful for me with fears of losing her as she would want to breakup. I started developing abandonment fears, and always have walked on eggshells with her. The breakups were very stressful. And these last two have been absolute emotional destruction for me, complete depression.

I did not see why every small argument would escalate into a full blown fight and breakup. It's like she always had control. It's like she knows I love her for real, and she either takes advantage of that, or if that gets in her way, she tosses me aside. She knew she could fight with me and say whatever and do whatever and I'd forgive her and never dump her. Maybe it's entertainment?

I've never dumped her once, even though she's done it to me 100 times probably, with the last two being the most serious.

Anyway, this time around I don't know if she's gone for good or what. I'm pretty shocked how she got up and left randomly after all her promises.

[embeddedstuck]

My ex broke up with me in May after 2 year, rocky relationship. She blamed me and the relationship for her unhappiness and constant anger. It was a messy breakup as I tried to beg and plead and reason with her for 4 weeks to not leave, but she did so by jumping into a casual sexual relationship with someone else. This destroyed me completely. I left her alone, but then around 2-3 months later she came back apologzing, saying she realized how much she loved me, and wanted to make things right and make me happy.

2 months later, 2 weeks ago, she abruptly got up and left in the same fashion, saying the same things, with a lot of anger, saddness, and then "feeling numb." I begged for those 2 weeks but then realized it's the same thing and simply stopped.

One thing to point out is that although I did start some arguments with her when I was unhappy with her actions, most times she would start fights with me. Either way, she would escalate every fight into how unhappy I maker her in general. Later, these fights would end with breakups that would last a few days. This behavior started happening again when we got back together two months ago. Most times I would be the one who would try to make up with her, because I thought the fights were stupid.

One thing that always surprised me is when sometimes she would tell me that she likes fighting with me. Or when I would get upset, sad, angry, she would say how she likes me sharing my feelings. When I would get really upset, then she would try to comfort me. That was in the past, recently she likes to just watch me suffer.

I did not like fighting ever! Every fight was draining and painful for me with fears of losing her as she would want to breakup. I started developing abandonment fears, and always have walked on eggshells with her. The breakups were very stressful. And these last two have been absolute emotional destruction for me, complete depression.

I did not see why every small argument would escalate into a full blown fight and breakup. It's like she always had control. It's like she knows I love her for real, and she either takes advantage of that, or if that gets in her way, she tosses me aside. She knew she could fight with me and say whatever and do whatever and I'd forgive her and never dump her. Maybe it's entertainment?

I've never dumped her once, even though she's done it to me 100 times probably, with the last two being the most serious.

Anyway, this time around I don't know if she's gone for good or what. I'm pretty shocked how she got up and left randomly after all her promises.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for what you've been through with your ex embeddedstuck. It's heartbreaking she your partner has a casual fling with someone when your heart's invested in the r/s. That's tough. She adds insult to injury with picking fights, being blamed for the problems of the r/s and you feel like your walking on eggshells. You don't know what end is up. She's triggered by intimacy and projecting her actions / behaviors on you. A r/s is equal parts and a r/s with a person with BPD (pwBPD) Is closer to 80 / 20.

That being said, she lacks impulse control and has poor judgement. The r/s with the person didn't work out and with similar reasons as to why yours didn't work. You took her back and that telegraphs to her you're likely going to take her a third time. To end this cycle with a pwBPD is you need to detach and boundaries.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If they are unhappy then it must be your fault.  That is how they think.  How could they blame them self without any sense of a self?

[Mutt]

If they are unhappy then it must be your fault.  That is how they think.  How could they blame them self without any sense of a self?

Hi MrConfusedWithItAll,

I agree that the blaming is projection because a person with BPD (pwBPD) has troubles with holding on to feelings and actions that triggers negative feelings and it's projected. A sort of tag your it! game. If you peel another layer of the onion, you'll find the core wound of abandonment ( trauma) abandonment fears, a narcissistic wound that the loved on with BPD is terribly afraid to face. Often, instead of facing this trauma they're looking for someone to take care of them instead of facing the core wound. A terrible place to be.

[myself]

Often, instead of facing this trauma they're looking for someone to take care of them.

I agree and would add that, at least in part, pwBPD seem to traumatize the ones they're with to have someone they can relate to (misery loves company). But then when these other people become traumatized, the pwBPD see themselves reflected back even more than before, so they smash the mirror/run from it. Harming themselves further, in effect causing their own 'needing to be rescued' scenarios. As well as not wanting or being able to really deal with someone else who is now hurting that much.

[Bak86]

Not sure about fighting per se... .

She did get great pleasure in hurting me physically(pulling my arm hairs, pinching me everywhere, poking me in my ribs) and trying to get a reaction out of me by jokingly insulting me. Thought it was cute at first, got really old really fast and after i learned about BPD i don't think she did it to be flirty, but more in a way to gain control of me. She constantly provokes colleagues as well.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If they are unhappy then it must be your fault.  That is how they think.  How could they blame them self without any sense of a self?

Hi MrConfusedWithItAll,

I agree that the blaming is projection because a person with BPD (pwBPD) has troubles with holding on to feelings and actions that triggers negative feelings and it's projected. A sort of tag your it! game. If you peel another layer of the onion, you'll find the core wound of abandonment ( trauma) abandonment fears, a narcissistic wound that the loved on with BPD is terribly afraid to face. Often, instead of facing this trauma they're looking for someone to take care of them instead of facing the core wound. A terrible place to be.

Thank you Mutt.  Your comment here is a light bulb moment for me and I think I have some closure now.  I was trying to be in love with her but her primary concern was for a caregiver.  So I was ditched for the caregiver - this makes a lot of sense now.  She is an adoptee and she told me once she met her birth mother - but my ex refused to see her birth mother again.  Her birth mother admitted giving her up was her greatest mistake.  But still my ex refused to forgive and resolve this pain.  The pain of abandonment was too great.  So sad.

[embeddedstuck]

I'm sorry for what you've been through with your ex embeddedstuck. It's heartbreaking she your partner has a casual fling with someone when your heart's invested in the r/s. That's tough. She adds insult to injury with picking fights, being blamed for the problems of the r/s and you feel like your walking on eggshells. You don't know what end is up. She's triggered by intimacy and projecting her actions / behaviors on you. A r/s is equal parts and a r/s with a person with BPD (pwBPD) Is closer to 80 / 20.

That being said, she lacks impulse control and has poor judgement. The r/s with the person didn't work out and with similar reasons as to why yours didn't work. You took her back and that telegraphs to her you're likely going to take her a third time. To end this cycle with a pwBPD is you need to detach and boundaries.

I'm really confused and hurt this second time around. It's somewhat familiar ground due to the first breakup a few months ago, but still, I am so shocked how a few days after we last were together, when she was telling me to stay with her forever, she suddenly got up and left without any remorse.

When I tried to take some blame, she made sure to dish it all out on me, and basically pretended like what she did during the summer didn't matter and wasn't a big deal. She acted like she had given me a second chance, when it was I who gave her a second chance and she knew it.

It's so crazy. It went from "please don't leave me" to "I don't see a future with you, stop wasting my [f-word] time". in a matter of days.

If they are unhappy then it must be your fault.  That is how they think.  How could they blame them self without any sense of a self?

This is how she treated me throughout the past 2 years. Her unhappiness was all my fault. I know we had our issues, but she never wanted to work on solving them. It was all my fault, so she had to try to dump me, and move on to someone else.

I remember how in the summer she got on skype and told me she was tired of feeling so lonely and unhappy, so she wanted to make a change, and the change was dumping me. And then came the messy breakup that left me in ruins.

2 months later she returns and says she's well, her rebound sexual relationship was a mistake, and that she loved me and wanted to make me happy.

2 months after that, here I am again, having been dumped and blamed for her unhappiness.

I did notice that she got on antidepressents before we got back together, and as soon as she stopped taking them, it started being bad again slowly, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

[fred6]

I did notice that she got on antidepressents before we got back together, and as soon as she stopped taking them, it started being bad again slowly, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

Yes, mine stopped her Zoloft cold turkey one day and then over the next couple months she started her downward spiral. I think if they are co-morbid with depression and anxiety, that quitting their medication may make it worse to a good extent. Maybe she's doing well without me and living a happy life. Maybe she's not. I haven't talked to her or seen her in 2 months

[Mutt]

If they are unhappy then it must be your fault.  That is how they think.  How could they blame them self without any sense of a self?

Hi MrConfusedWithItAll,

I agree that the blaming is projection because a person with BPD (pwBPD) has troubles with holding on to feelings and actions that triggers negative feelings and it's projected. A sort of tag your it! game. If you peel another layer of the onion, you'll find the core wound of abandonment ( trauma) abandonment fears, a narcissistic wound that the loved on with BPD is terribly afraid to face. Often, instead of facing this trauma they're looking for someone to take care of them instead of facing the core wound. A terrible place to be.

Thank you Mutt.  Your comment here is a light bulb moment for me and I think I have some closure now.  I was trying to be in love with her but her primary concern was for a caregiver.  So I was ditched for the caregiver - this makes a lot of sense now.  She is an adoptee and she told me once she met her birth mother - but my ex refused to see her birth mother again.  Her birth mother admitted giving her up was her greatest mistake.  But still my ex refused to forgive and resolve this pain.  The pain of abandonment was too great.  So sad.

I'm an adoptee too and I fear abandonment and I wouldn't quantify it as trauma or a narcissistic wound. I would say it causes anxiety and stress in my relationships or fears of getting into relationships. I'm speaking from my personal perspective when I say this. That said, it's likely later than that for your ex. It's arrested emotional development when the child detached from a primary caregiver or parent and genetics plays a possible role. For the sake of speculation I'll use my ex as an example.

Her mom shows traits of a high functioning pwBPD and her grandmother as well. I know from my ex that there's sexual abuse which her step dad has mentioned to me.

So we have two people with uBPD traits. Sexual abuse. My exe's mom, my ex MIL abandoned her at the age of 2 ( MIL was 18 ) with the grandmother and grandfather. The grandfather was denigrated as an abusive alcoholic and a war vet. My ex had said her mom has never told her who the father is. She won't disclose. I speculate the grandfather may be the father. I think her "core trauma" was developed around when she was 2 and didn't successfully detach from mom. Her mom had left her at her GM and GF for a couple of years. Again, this is speculation and in my uBPDex's case there's FOO issues and the same FOO enables her dysfunctional behavior, the family in her case is also dysfunctional. This dysfunction continues to perpetuate the disorder, I believe without enablers it would give her high odds to get help for herself. She would back herself in a corner from her self-destructive behaviors and lack of impulse control)

Again this is from my experience, my understanding of the disorder and everyone's loved one with BPD is different with different circumstances and isn't a general rule.