What IS real about them?

[Deeno02]

Is there any part of them that IS real?... .Is it ALL smoke and mirrors?  ... .We must have loved SOMETHING real? ... .Didn't we? ... .Is it possible that there was a part of them... .however small... .that did did love us?

Yes. Their feelings for us were very real. At the time.  It was not all smoke and mirrors. We loved a very real person. They did love us. As best that they could love.

It was not a small part of them.  It was every consuming part of them that loved us. 

Until they couldn't handle it anymore.

The disorder wins every time.

Very good quote.  Before I learned about BPD, and I had been devalued, I was so shocked by the sudden change.  I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out just what went wrong.

Then, I realized that her love for me drove her crazy.  She was obsessed with what I did every second of the day.  She was obsessed with the thought of me cheating on her, I got accused of it daily.

She was obsessed that everything that I did or said meant that I didn't love her.  I was also accused of not loving her daily.  The reality of the situation was that I gave her ever ounce of what I had.  I had exhausted myself and my resources trying to ease her inner battle over this.

Nothing was ever good enough.  Nothing was ever proof enough.

Years into the marriage she brought up doubts she had that I was cheating on her while we dated.  She created stories in her mind. 

It was impossible to convince her that I was here for the long haul. 

I think that she had to devalue me because her mind and her insecurities were killing her.  Her mind gave her constant anxiety.

If I was 5 minutes late from work I faced endless accusations.

It really was quite sad.

I just wish I knew why she threw me away and replaced me so quick. Hard time letting go of that portion...

[Leaving]

Sorry guys. These woman don't love you. You nothing to them, except a supply to their unreasonable demands. Nothing else.

And the day you stop the supply, they simply find another. At 34 my ex has never had a serious job. Goes from one bed to the other, always playing victim. And moving from town to town, city to city and country to country. No consistency, always must be the centre of attraction and living the good life.

Did YOU love them? NOPE... .!

You cannot love such a dysfunctional person. No one will ever do that.

Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions. Think about that!

Compare this relationship to any of your previous ones with normal people. There is a very big difference.

You smoke, and you know it is bad for you. So why don't you stop? Because you get very bad withdrawal symptoms. So you end up going to buy another packet of cigarettes just to relieve the craving.

I cannot count how many times we broke up/made up over a 3 year period. I knew this was bad for me, yet I kept going back. Until the day I decided to rather put up with the withdrawal. And I left.

Her push/pull ways, the constant verbal abuse and her being the centre of attention causes a chemical imbalance in your brain, much the same as any other addiction. Therefore you think you "miss" them when they not around and you truly love them. If that is so, then I am in love with my cigarettes as well.

This is the hard reality. Accept it, and once your mind clears you will realize that you just cannot have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

What is real about them? Their constant insecurity and how they set you up to supply their demands. My ex wanted a baby, and was quite happy to marry me. Just as long as I kept supplying her demands. But the goal posts always change, and you never get to the end of the list. So in reality, she will NEVER be satisfied with what she has. There will always be something else she must have to fulfil that empty space in her. Mine often said she wishes she a multi millionaire so she could buy all the things she wants. Even if her wish comes true, her disorder will never allow her to have inner peace. Simply because the things she needs in her life, are all materialist.

A happy person doesn't need materialistic things to be complete, they have a inner peace and live in the present moment of time. They happy with what they got, and create opportunities to better their standard of living.

A Borderline has a huge emptiness inside, and thinks the only way to fill it is to find someone (any one) to supply their demands. Therefore they go through life living in the future (dreaming of things to have) while carrying the past with them. This creates imbalance in the brain and the confusion of the relationship you experiencing. 

I'm in complete agreement with Caretaker.  I've been married to a narcissistic man with borderline for 18 years and I've finally accepted the whole truth about my marriage, my husband and why I tolerated this for so long. Living with this type of man was not only mentally and emotionally harmful but it also created a horrible spiritual conflict for me.  I'm not anything like my husband- not competitive, not materialistic, not trendy, don't need attention, not passive-aggressive and I don't lie. 

Everything they do is a manipulation to get what they need.  Their (rare)apologies are just patronizing manipulations to lure you back into their web. 

Are they ever real?  Well, they are what they are in any given moment but there's always a condition behind what they are in any given moment.  Our perception of them in any given moment is what will empower them or not.  We need to realize that our world is not their world and we don't speak the same language and don't experience the same emotions.  How we perceive them is based on our past experiences with other people in our 'normal' world.  We assume that they mean what they say or that they experience the same or similar emotions that we do in any given moment but, our assumptions couldn't be more wrong.  For example, when our beloved dog died this year, my husband cried and I immediately assumed he was as heartbroken as I was.  No, he wasn't.  He was crying because he realized this was an opportunity to gain attention and so he began preparing himself to gain sympathy from other people. It was truly disgusting. I know he didn't care that she died because he always ignored and neglected her, was jealous of her and he hated that I loved her and that she loved me.  My husband also treats people this way and disposes of them very quickly once they realize how insincere he is and how all his attention is conditional.  My husband didn't speak to his sister in over ten years - not a single word, no birthday card, no nothing and in fact, he didn't even know when her birthday was.  Then when she died in 08 from sudden cancer, he deluded himself into believing that she was so important to him and that losing her was such a traumatic loss. To this day, he still plays that pity card.  Need anyone wonder why I have it written in my will that should I die, he is not to attend my funeral? 

[FrenchConnection]

Is there any part of them that IS real?... .Is it ALL smoke and mirrors?  ... .We must have loved SOMETHING real? ... .Didn't we? ... .Is it possible that there was a part of them... .however small... .that did did love us?

Yes. Their feelings for us were very real. At the time.  It was not all smoke and mirrors. We loved a very real person. They did love us. As best that they could love.

It was not a small part of them.  It was every consuming part of them that loved us. 

Until they couldn't handle it anymore.

The disorder wins every time.

Very good quote.  Before I learned about BPD, and I had been devalued, I was so shocked by the sudden change.  I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out just what went wrong.

Then, I realized that her love for me drove her crazy.  She was obsessed with what I did every second of the day.  She was obsessed with the thought of me cheating on her, I got accused of it daily.

She was obsessed that everything that I did or said meant that I didn't love her.  I was also accused of not loving her daily.  The reality of the situation was that I gave her ever ounce of what I had.  I had exhausted myself and my resources trying to ease her inner battle over this.

Nothing was ever good enough.  Nothing was ever proof enough.

Years into the marriage she brought up doubts she had that I was cheating on her while we dated.  She created stories in her mind. 

It was impossible to convince her that I was here for the long haul. 

I think that she had to devalue me because her mind and her insecurities were killing her.  Her mind gave her constant anxiety.

If I was 5 minutes late from work I faced endless accusations.

It really was quite sad.

That is exactly how i felt with my relationship.  She would constantly make up things in her mind that tormented her and she was always afraid i was leaving her or meeting someone new.  And she was horribly jealous if a woman spoke to me.  Especially at my work.  I know it gave her constant anxiety and it put a strain on our relationship.  It was like we could never really develop as a couple. 

[Leaving]

DEENO02,

It's difficult to accept that someone could dispose of us so quickly because we invested unconditional heart-centered love in our relationship.  They on the other hand only live with conditional "love" which really isn't love at all.  Every nice thing they ever did or said was truly given with the intention of getting something positive in return. They treat everyone in their life this way so, don't take it personally.  When you see them, you see a whole person who shares the same emotions you do but that's just not the way it is.  

I was married for 18 years to a man with NPD/BPD and as soon as I began packing, he immediately went on a desperate search to connect with other people and even hooked up with a woman and spent the night with her.  I didn't care at that point and was actually glad that he was distancing himself from me but I know how difficult it is for you to realize this. I also admit that as much as I was glad he was staying away from me, I also felt like a fool.  I felt ashamed that I had allowed myself to invest so much time, love, stress, etc... for nothing.

My mother has NPD/BPD and she disposed of me several times throughout my life and at the moment, I mean nothing to her. She wouldn't care if I died tomorrow other than wanting to make sure that she got my assets.  I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating. Like my husband, I've finally accepted who and what my mother is.  It's bad enough when a spouse dumps us so quickly but a parent?  Strange.

I hope that you will focus on counting your blessings that you're no longer involved with your ex.  I hope that you will take this time to reflect and gain insight as to why you may have chose this person so that you won't end up in another relationship like this.  My life is permanently damaged in many ways because I stayed too long and my road to recovery will never end.  Count your blessings!

[willtimeheal]

Sorry guys. These woman don't love you. You nothing to them, except a supply to their unreasonable demands. Nothing else.

And the day you stop the supply, they simply find another. At 34 my ex has never had a serious job. Goes from one bed to the other, always playing victim. And moving from town to town, city to city and country to country. No consistency, always must be the centre of attraction and living the good life.

Did YOU love them? NOPE... .!

You cannot love such a dysfunctional person. No one will ever do that.

Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions. Think about that!

Compare this relationship to any of your previous ones with normal people. There is a very big difference.

You smoke, and you know it is bad for you. So why don't you stop? Because you get very bad withdrawal symptoms. So you end up going to buy another packet of cigarettes just to relieve the craving.

I cannot count how many times we broke up/made up over a 3 year period. I knew this was bad for me, yet I kept going back. Until the day I decided to rather put up with the withdrawal. And I left.

Her push/pull ways, the constant verbal abuse and her being the centre of attention causes a chemical imbalance in your brain, much the same as any other addiction. Therefore you think you "miss" them when they not around and you truly love them. If that is so, then I am in love with my cigarettes as well.

This is the hard reality. Accept it, and once your mind clears you will realize that you just cannot have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

What is real about them? Their constant insecurity and how they set you up to supply their demands. My ex wanted a baby, and was quite happy to marry me. Just as long as I kept supplying her demands. But the goal posts always change, and you never get to the end of the list. So in reality, she will NEVER be satisfied with what she has. There will always be something else she must have to fulfil that empty space in her. Mine often said she wishes she a multi millionaire so she could buy all the things she wants. Even if her wish comes true, her disorder will never allow her to have inner peace. Simply because the things she needs in her life, are all materialist.

A happy person doesn't need materialistic things to be complete, they have a inner peace and live in the present moment of time. They happy with what they got, and create opportunities to better their standard of living.

A Borderline has a huge emptiness inside, and thinks the only way to fill it is to find someone (any one) to supply their demands. Therefore they go through life living in the future (dreaming of things to have) while carrying the past with them. This creates imbalance in the brain and the confusion of the relationship you experiencing. 

Totally agree. Other  is nothing real about them. You have to know who you are in order to be real.

[Mutt]

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." ~Anaïs Nin

[ScotisGone74]

Actually I believe there is one thing that is real , that is their Need to attach to someone, anyone, who they can believe can take away their self loathing and make them a whole person, even for just the time being.    That need is the Only thing that's real, the rest is all a Hollywood movie they produce and star in

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmm,

I have seen this develop and wanted to jump in, sort of conflicted here. 

My ex has BPD.  100% no doubt. 

What is real about HER

Everything?

Her fear of abandonment, ver real

Her fear of rejection, very real

Her fear of intamacy, very real

Her fear of being alone, very real

Her lack of a stable self image, very real

More to the point, the child that she gave us, very real. 

She is a person, just like you and I.  Her emotions and thought patterns are different, complex to understand, even bordering on illogical. 

Doesnt make her fake.  She is a real living breathign person. 


AJJ. 

[Rifka]

Sorry guys. These woman don't love you. You nothing to them, except a supply to their unreasonable demands. Nothing else.

And the day you stop the supply, they simply find another. At 34 my ex has never had a serious job. Goes from one bed to the other, always playing victim. And moving from town to town, city to city and country to country. No consistency, always must be the centre of attraction and living the good life.

Did YOU love them? NOPE... .!

You cannot love such a dysfunctional person. No one will ever do that.

Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions. Think about that!

Compare this relationship to any of your previous ones with normal people. There is a very big difference.

You smoke, and you know it is bad for you. So why don't you stop? Because you get very bad withdrawal symptoms. So you end up going to buy another packet of cigarettes just to relieve the craving.

I cannot count how many times we broke up/made up over a 3 year period. I knew this was bad for me, yet I kept going back. Until the day I decided to rather put up with the withdrawal. And I left.

Her push/pull ways, the constant verbal abuse and her being the centre of attention causes a chemical imbalance in your brain, much the same as any other addiction. Therefore you think you "miss" them when they not around and you truly love them. If that is so, then I am in love with my cigarettes as well.

This is the hard reality. Accept it, and once your mind clears you will realize that you just cannot have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

What is real about them? Their constant insecurity and how they set you up to supply their demands. My ex wanted a baby, and was quite happy to marry me. Just as long as I kept supplying her demands. But the goal posts always change, and you never get to the end of the list. So in reality, she will NEVER be satisfied with what she has. There will always be something else she must have to fulfil that empty space in her. Mine often said she wishes she a multi millionaire so she could buy all the things she wants. Even if her wish comes true, her disorder will never allow her to have inner peace. Simply because the things she needs in her life, are all materialist.

A happy person doesn't need materialistic things to be complete, they have a inner peace and live in the present moment of time. They happy with what they got, and create opportunities to better their standard of living.

A Borderline has a huge emptiness inside, and thinks the only way to fill it is to find someone (any one) to supply their demands. Therefore they go through life living in the future (dreaming of things to have) while carrying the past with them. This creates imbalance in the brain and the confusion of the relationship you experiencing. 

I totally agree! It was an addictive dream that was to be our biggest nightmare!

[fromheeltoheal]

Everything is real about a borderline, just like everyone else.  The difference is someone who has a mental illness experiences a different "real" than those who don't, and our pain stems from trying to reconcile different realities.

[Bak86]

The real person was the crying, scared, little girl in the corner of her couch, looking at me silently, yet screaming from inside "help me, i don't know who i am, i hate myself, i need you". That was the real her.

[Blimblam]

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." ~Anaïs Nin

Exactly!

Our very reality as we percieve it is a projection.  Everyone's is, so what is it we are projecting what is involved? To understand this we have to know ourselves.  "Know thyself" as was inscribed above the doorway to the oracle of Delphi in the temple of Apollo in Ancient Greece. 

Various stimuli trigger us to project and we attach to our projections. Interacting with our own psyche through others.

[willtimeheal]

What was real was the misery and abuse she unleashed on me without batting an eye. What was real was the blackness in her eyes and the emptiness in her soul. What was real was when she said she was damaged... .man was she damaged.

[AwakenedOne]

It's difficult to accept that someone could dispose of us so quickly because we invested unconditional heart-centered love in our relationship.  They on the other hand only live with conditional "love" which really isn't love at all.  Every nice thing they ever did or said was truly given with the intention of getting something positive in return.

Actually I believe there is one thing that is real , that is their Need to attach to someone, anyone, who they can believe can take away their self loathing and make them a whole person, even for just the time being. That need is the Only thing that's real, the rest is all a Hollywood movie they produce and star in

The love you gave to your BPD ex was real. What you received back at any point in the relationship does not fit the definition of what love is. Therefore it was NOT love. What do we get from the partner with BPD then? In my opinion the answer is an infatuation with conditions. If the conditions aren't met at some point you then do not exist to them or will become a turd in their eyes. The key to open up the gates to ":)etachment City" is to realize it was just all a performance. I'm not saying that it is all intentional by the pwBPD though.

[aeoma]

I'im not even sure her angers were real. They were just provoked to create drama and the emotional rollercoaster. Proof is, five minutes after the anger she was back to normal, and had forgotten what just happened.

What I felt for her wasn't real. It wasn't love, it was addiction, like for heroin. When you take off the mask you realise there is nothing to love, except abuse and control. Her personality was empty. I just felt for a false self she presented me at the beginning of the Rs.

The pain and the difficulty to understand everything after the breakup were real.

[HappyNihilist]

Everything is real about/for them. It's just that their reality is different from the reality of people who don't have BPD, and that reality is fluid and changing.

When they show you the hurt, vulnerable child inside... .that's real.

When they hurt you with words or fists... .that's real.

When they tell you they love you and need you... .that's real.

When they leave you without explanation, not caring if you're destroyed... .that's real.

And so on.

Remember, for a BPD, it's always about their feelings. And their feelings are as real as yours and mine.

What they lack is permanence, consistency, and the ability to put others' feelings and needs first. We see their waxing and waning as proof that they're maliciously fraudulent, but it's rarely so cut-and-dry.

I'm of the firm belief that a non-BPD can't ever truly understand how a BPD views and processes the world. We are grasping for what is "true" and "real" to us, and that's difficult (if not impossible) to find in these relationships. There is no good closure. My greatest peace came when I finally stopped trying to figure out my exbf and the relationship, and focused on healing and bettering myself.

[Craydar]

Is there any part of them that IS real?... .Is it ALL smoke and mirrors?  ... .We must have loved SOMETHING real? ... .Didn't we? ... .Is it possible that there was a part of them... .however small... .that did did love us?

Yes. Their feelings for us were very real. At the time.  It was not all smoke and mirrors. We loved a very real person. They did love us. As best that they could love.

It was not a small part of them.  It was every consuming part of them that loved us. 

Until they couldn't handle it anymore.

The disorder wins every time.

They will do what is in their best interest at the time. Inwardly focused individuals managing such a whirlwind of emotions cannot be consistent. They will love when they can (and idolize they will) but just as easily disassociate, devalue, and discard without any remorse. 

[Earthbayne]

After some thought, I came to realize that the only real thing about her was that she existed. Everything else could have been a fabrication and I will never know.

I think her longest job held was for a max of four years. She has a history of switching jobs, burning bridges with friends and going from one relationship to the next.

Everything that she told me in the beginning is now NOT what I think about her in hindsight. One and a half years of my life dedicated to her were more than enough to realize that she was never who she said she was. She needed constant attention and reassurance and whenever we broke up, she'd twist it make it seem like I was the crazy one and there was something wrong with me.

The more I clear out of the FOG, the more I realize it was all smoke and mirrors. I was the closest person to her for almost 2 years, and yet, it seems like I have absolutely no clue who she is. I know her name, I know where she lives, I know she exists... .but that's about it.

[FrenchConnection]

After some thought, I came to realize that the only real thing about her was that she existed. Everything else could have been a fabrication and I will never know.

I think her longest job held was for a max of four years. She has a history of switching jobs, burning bridges with friends and going from one relationship to the next.

Everything that she told me in the beginning is now NOT what I think about her in hindsight. One and a half years of my life dedicated to her were more than enough to realize that she was never who she said she was. She needed constant attention and reassurance and whenever we broke up, she'd twist it make it seem like I was the crazy one and there was something wrong with me.

The more I clear out of the FOG, the more I realize it was all smoke and mirrors. I was the closest person to her for almost 2 years, and yet, it seems like I have absolutely no clue who she is. I know her name, I know where she lives, I know she exists... .but that's about it.

That is exactly how i feel.  You could not have described the relationship any better than what i experienced with my exgf.  Everything about her not having a job very long, burning bridges with friends and family, going from one relationship to another.  She always needed my reassurance and constant attention too, and like you, always made me the one at fault for our break ups.

I had no idea what i was dealing with while i was with her.   And now i come to the sad realization that i never really knew this woman.  I can't tell what was truth from her and what was made up in her mind.  She always told me i was the greatest love of her life.  But i have to be honest with myself and face the reality:  i was just someone else's replacement.