just a thought

[BrokenFamily]

Sometimes I think she painted me so black with friends and family members that even if she wanted to she couldn't come back. The other night she called me upset over a fight she had with her mother (also has BPD) and her brother asked her who she was talking to and she told him me. His response was you aren't getting back with him are you? She responded no never... .

It's odd because I've always treated her brother really good as well as the rest of her friends and family and it seems no one is an advocate for her and I getting back together. She's the type of person who won't ever call or even communicate with most people unless there's a problem so maybe for so long they have only heard the bad and her playing the victim that they believe its damaged beyond repair and not worth fixing?

[Mutt]

She's denigrating you to family and friends. It absolves her involvement and actions and her support system may or may not believe her cries for sympathy. That said, blood is thicker than water with her brother. Don't take this personal, her mom is uBPD as well and from the sounds of it she has enablers. Water seeks it's own level.

Splitting is not in her control. NEVER is a black / white statement. This is how she feels now. Feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD and thoughts / feelings change rapidly. She's triangulating her mom ( mom likely called her on something, hard to tell with no back story ) and she's looking for someone to rescue. YOU.

Triangulation. Mom is persecutor. Ex is victim. Your rescuer.

[BrokenFamily]

I'm not sure I'm still painted black, as you know she's called me several times to come to her rescue and I have but today she called needing a ride to work I picked her up at the replacements house and was remorseful, stated she has regrets and misses me. Also yes her mother triggered her by insisting she start waking up to take care of our daughter, it needed to be said but not when they were both drunk. My ex responded with looks who is giving parenting advice you were never there for me and always at the bar which triggered mom back and started a fist fight. Because I always put all their needs first, don't drink, maintain my composure and I'm the biggest source of stability for my daughter it's difficult for any of them to see me as a bad person and not reflect on their own issues.

[Mutt]

I have to agree. Sounds like there's trouble in paradise with your ex and the other man "she misses you and regrets" I'm sorry but she's not one to criticize when it comes to parenting. She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

A healthy relationship isn't one where a partner is in a parental role for their significant other.

There's a lot of dysfunction here with her family. You have a big   Guess who I'm going to say needs that big   of yours?

[BrokenFamily]

  my beautiful amazing daughter

She has 100% of my heart and always will!

Despite being lonely at times, I have no interest in dating going out with friends or anything else that would distract me from her. I'm a successful attractive guy, if I were emotionally needy I could easily be dating a few hot girls a week but it's of no concern to me right now. When I do date I want it to be because it's the right person not because I have an emotional need or an unhealthy fear of being alone. It's an amazing and difficult journey that I'm on, despite its adversity I'm learning so much about myself, psychology and most importantly how to love someone (or someones) unconditionally without hurting myself. I wouldn't wish anyone ever have to go through this but it is indeed what I needed at the right time to teach me the life lessons I needed to become who I was meant to be. I have absolutely no regrets, I thank my BPD ex for being a wise and noble teacher.

[Mutt]

 

Right on! Emotionally detach. Your D has a chance to not be raised in dysfunction. Look at mom and her FOO. You don't want that for your D. Mend the heart. There's plenty of road ahead for a healthier happier relationship. DD is #1 

[BrokenFamily]

Thanks to my daughter, BPD family and much soul searching I think I'm out of the FOG. Surprisingly me being my happy stable self again makes it much easier to communicate and actually have the admiration of my ex now. The worst possible thing you can do when dealing with a BPD ex or anyone with BPD is behaving like an emotional wreck. I hope my story helps many people suffering have a better understanding.

[myself]

I thank my BPD ex for being a wise and noble teacher.

I see what you're saying, and am happy for your detachment. But I'll also add that imo our pwBPD exes weren't our teachers, or wise or noble. More like roadblocks we finally chose to open our eyes to, now finding other routes to get where we're going. We learned, but were not taught. This process has been doing it for ourselves, not something they did for us.

[Mutt]

Thanks to my daughter, BPD family and much soul searching I think I'm out of the FOG. Surprisingly me being my happy stable self again makes it much easier to communicate and actually have the admiration of my ex now. The worst possible thing you can do when dealing with a BPD ex or anyone with BPD is behaving like an emotional wreck. I hope my story helps many people suffering have a better understanding.

I agree with songbook. Don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back. That being said, your ex has to stand on her own two legs. Let her hitch a ride with someone else. Don't rescue.

[BrokenFamily]

I will always come to her rescue as I do love her unconditionally and will always strive to maintain a good relationship with her because we have a child together. That being said I will do so with boundaries, calm and unlimited patients as I am truly detached from believing we'll ever be the happy family we once were again. My self esteem is no longer a leaf in the wind at the mercy of her approval. I think our egos are what becomes most damaged when dealing with a breakup with a pwBPD, once the FOG clears its easy to detach emotionally and realize it was out of our control and never will be in our control. That brings inner peace, closure and self realization that our BPD ex's can never give and most likely will never have themselves.

[Mutt]

I will always come to her rescue as I do love her unconditionally

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her.

How a borderline relationship evolves

Can you see the rescuer dynamic and how this got to be? When your putting someone else's feelings before your own, you may be enmeshed. Your emotionally connected with your ex. Being out of the FOG is seeing the forest for the trees and I'm sorry to break this to you. Your not out of the FOG yet.

I am a separate being from my ex. I have compassion and I wouldn't quantify it as unconditional love. Not a place I'm going back to. Kids needs a healthy dad but that's my story.

Put some space between you and her. LOW contact ( you have a child ) and detach. You have to stop taking care of her with these rides. If your keeping her close to get back with her your choice.

[BrokenFamily]

Perhaps you are right Mutt,

I do realize... .

I could just be content no longer being painted black or looking forward to being recycled or just being temporarily used by her and will soon once again be neglected.

I do however believe her choices, beliefs or actions no longer have a hold of my emotions.

She's going to do whatever she wants and I can't control it but I can control how I react.

Like I saijd before I have no expectations we will get back together anytime soon if ever at all. I have my boundaries and will not all her back without her getting the help she needs.

She is nowhere near that point but her showing remorse and admitting some fault is a big step

[myself]

I will always come to her rescue as I do love her unconditionally

At some point, you're even going to need to step away from this kind of thinking with your child, letting her take her own steps in life, make her own mistakes, etc. This is a grown woman you're speaking of above, someone you're not responsible for or in a committed r/s with. Always being there to help clean up her messes and etc, even with the best intentions, does neither of you much good and keeps you from truly letting go/accepting.

[Mutt]

Always being there to help clean up her messes and etc, even with the best intentions, does neither of you much good and keeps you from truly letting go/accepting.

Exactly. It enables dysfunctional behaviors. Don't be an enabler.

She is nowhere near that point but her showing remorse and admitting some fault is a big step

It's not a big step. It's a cycle she needs to break on her own. SHE is impulsive and created a mess she wants you to clean up. Newsflash. It's not working out with the new guy. Newsflash. This is not remorse.

[BrokenFamily]

Are you suggesting tough love? I'm not sure if I'm capable of that, should I not want to help someone I care about who is in need? I suspect she's just using me but I look at it as an opportunity for her to see her daughter, us to have calm productive conversation and mending old wounds.

I fear if I don't rescue her or press hard no contact she will lash out filing for full custody (which would be a nightmare for our daughter) or worse just taking the baby and not allowing me visitation until the courts give us a date which in our city could take over a year.

[Mutt]

Are you suggesting tough love? I'm not sure if I'm capable of that, should I not want to help someone I care about who is in need? I suspect she's just using me but I look at it as an opportunity for her to see her daughter, us to have calm productive conversation and mending old wounds.

Your playing with fire. She's mentally ill and if you think you can control mental illness your in for a surprise. Don't let the mentally ill lead the charge. Get court appointed boundaries. Get custody and yes, tough love. Focus your effort on D and getting that piece of paper from court. Verbal agreements with the mentally ill does not work when she changes her feelings and thoughts at whim and has no care about you. Your too worried about her needs and her problems with her family. You're not obligated.

[BrokenFamily]

I know I can't control it or her and have no expectations except to be civil for our daughters sake. If it means wasting some gas driving her around I don't see the harm. I will file for custody as soon as I start my new job whatever the circumstances are at the time.

[BrokenFamily]

I'm well aware she's just using me but you could say I'm also using her just to show I'm there for her despite her actions towards me. She has some compassion and I like to think the nicer I am the more guilty she feels.

[Mutt]

Be nice. Be careful.  Mom is calling her out on her sleeping in 'til 3. She's being nice because she's not getting away with what she wants at home. If she's saying she's remorseful it's a need for her. I had to become a separate constellation from my ex for my kids. I'm not sure if your filing for full custody. My ex and I are two separate constellations. In my constellation, kids come first, then me. Mom has no voice and zero control because I do parallel parenting and have court appointed boundaries with no ambiguity as to not give her an opportunity to control and create conflict. The chaos gone.

You may want to think of your D and you as a separate constellation. It's dangerous with the mentally ill and post break-up as you never know what they'll do based on how they feel BrokenFamily. You can be civil and that doesn't mean you can't detach and become indifferent.

Food for thought.

--Mutt

[BrokenFamily]

Indeed some good advice, I was high on seeing her, I'm like a starving dog appreciating any attention she gives me even if she is just using me which is the case.

As I recall she had her ex pick her up several times when we would have our differences and despite his efforts she wouldn't ever give him the time of day.

As I've said before I'm very happy to no longer be painted black, even if I am still in here eyes, she's no longer being verbally and emotionally abusive towards me so it is a move in the right direction.

[Mutt]

This treatment with her not verbally abusing you and such is not going to last for long. This is hard stuff having your family broken up. I'm sorry. She wasn't giving him the time of day because she had you on a pedestal. No one else gets that attention. 7 years I waited for the woman I first met to come back and I couldn't figure where she'd gone and why. Right up til the end in her dissociative phase.  I can relate BrokenFamily. The attention is the reason why I got involved with my ex. Is it the attention or difficulties adjusting after she's  gone? Like things aren't the same? You miss the family unit?

[BrokenFamily]

This treatment with her not verbally abusing you and such is not going to last for long. This is hard stuff having your family broken up. I'm sorry. She wasn't giving him the time of day because she had you on a pedestal. No one else gets that attention. 7 years I waited for the women I first met to come back. I can relate BrokenFamily. The attention is the reason why I got involved with my ex. Is it the attention or difficulties adjusting after she's  gone? Like things aren't the same? You miss the family unit?

If I don't give her a reason to explode on me I believe she won't because she has many other people in her life who constantly trigger her. Also our contact is very limited and never when she's been drinking which is a prime time for her to go ballistic.

Yes I miss the attention (my ego hurts) yes I miss the family unit (help with the baby and we did accomplish a lot together) and yes ineed things are not the same.

My actions and reactions post breakup made matters worse; my trying to get her into treatment created lots of resentment despite her seeing all the signs and symptoms as well as where it came from. She's always said upon returning after a one day breakup that she didn't want to be like her mother but at this point it's pretty undeniable.

[Mutt]

If I don't give her a reason to explode on me I believe she won't because she has many other people in her life who constantly trigger her.

Where there times in the r/s (walking on eggshells) where you're trying your best not to trigger her and it happened anyway?

My actions and reactions post breakup made matters worse; my trying to get her into treatment created lots of resentment despite her seeing all the signs and symptoms as well as where it came from.

Mental illness and a loved one is very hard. Don't be hard on yourself. She's mentally ill.

Her reality, the way she registers the world around her, her experiences are real to her. Just as your reality is as real to you. Think about that. BPD is a part of her personality and something she's coped with for a long time.

I'm sorry she hurt you and put you in a difficult position. It's very hard adjusting to life without an SO in the family.

Is she willing and ready to do the work for herself? This is hard on her too if she's going to go into therapy. She has to face her wounds ( her trauma ) which is a great source of pain for her. The same wounds she runs away from.  It takes time to realize the person we love is mentally ill. It's heartbreaking.

She has to help herself. No one can do that for her. Our love won't cure or fix this. Our love is not above the disorder.

My point. D is going to get older. How do you think she'll feel seeing dad get hurt by mom?

[myself]

My ex, like so many other exes here, was triggered by family, intimacy, strangers, songs on the radio, meals, movies, the weather... .I'd think, "I'm being great with her, I'm in the clear," but would also be the one clobbered first and hardest (because I was the closest). You 'not giving her reasons to explode' reminds me of the times I was walking on eggshells. All it really did was prolong and perpetuate bad patterns for her and for me. Leading to more pain, not less... .It's hard to let go of someone we love, knowing they could use our help (even though we're really pretty helpless as far as giving them the real best help they need). Focusing on yourself now, and your child, will bring about positive changes that go much much deeper than just giving your ex a ride/helping her see her kid/etc. Let her learn to find her own ways to step up and see her kid! Isn't that a better option, for all involved? We're with you on this stuff, going through it too, hang in there.

[BrokenFamily]

I've given it much thought and believe despite my helping her and good deeds the person I once loved is no longer there. I've been painted so black and the smear campaign was too relentless to ever recover from, even if she did want to come back she wouldn't be able to as all her friends and family members wouldn't support it. It's obvious even she's even convinced herself she no longer loves me or perhaps never did. I think I was nothing more an escape from a drunk & abusive family. The replacement and his family seem like nice people and I'm glad she has found some comfort there, it's also obvious she is just using him because she's still on facebook adding new men,  liking their pictures and messaging them but that is of no concern to me. I've given my best and done all I can to mend my BrokenFamily with no avail. Now it's time for my daughter and myself to mend and allow her to continue on the path she has chosen for herself alone. My new approach will to be indifferent to her, speak only about our daughter and maintain my distance. I'm sure she will want me to rescue her in the future but I will keep in mind me helping her isn't actually helping and it's only hurting me. 

[Mutt]

You brought your A game to keep your family together. I'm sorry it didn't turn out. You and your D is your family. She's lucky to have a dad like you. A new beginning, a new constellation. I'm happy to hear you gave this much thought. Your judgement is sound.

[BrokenFamily]

Actually my judgment is a mess, I never saw this coming didn't have a plan and often don't have a grip of my emotions. I keep thinking it will be easier overnight and everything will fall into place but I'm only fooling myself believing that.

[Mutt]

Actually my judgment is a mess, I never saw this coming didn't have a plan and often don't have a grip of my emotions. I keep thinking it will be easier overnight and everything will fall into place but I'm only fooling myself believing that.

You were thinking with your head. Not your heart like the posts that preceded. It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head. Mend your heart. You're a smart guy. There's a lot to learn from this experience that you can carry with you. Valuable life lessons.

[BrokenFamily]

It's amazing the ups and downs of emotions I've been having. I'm generally a very stable guy and given the circumstances I just it's expected but... .

One minute I feel okay this is for the best, I'm free and unaffected by her non sense, the next I'm wishing she would return, the next I'm blaming her, the next I'm blaming myself. The bottom line is it's over and my daughter is all that matters.

It's like everyday I have a different positive revelation then wake up feeling like poop the next.

Today I read all our messages going back almost 3 years and I saw many instances where I was very cold, unapologetic and treated her like a child when she was begging me to get back together for the sake of our family. I felt at the time I shouldn't reward bad behavior and was kind of mean about it often. So now a whole new revelation has fallen upon me, one of me taking responsibility for my actions that lead to our breakup. I should have been more patient, more understanding and paid closer attention to her needs but is was so stressed feeling I was working so hard while she wasn't and needed her to wake up and realize it and did it the only way I knew how at the time.

It really gives me even more closure admitting my fault, if feel like less of a victim and more of an equal participant in the break up of our family.

In a strange way it almost makes me feel better about the whole thing.

[clydegriffith]

As far was what happened to me goes, she demonizes me with lies or gross distortions of actual events to explain the horrible situation she's got herself in so others can pity her. I guess she has no other option because its either be seen as a crazy ___ or poor struggling mom that's been wronged by every man she's ever been with.