trying to decide th leave or stay with husband of 10 yrs who has BPD

[lifechangingdecision]

My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar & BPD about 2 years ago. For the past 7 years or so our marriage has been hell to say the least. He has gone through drug & porn addiction, lies about everything and has bbroken my trust so many times. For a while he was taking cash withdrawals on the credit cards for drugs behind my back and locked me out so that I couldnt see any of the cc statements onlines. Well he got us into over $30,000 debt which makes me sick. He would also buy anything and everything online. His rage is out of control and at times my children and I are scared. My older son is in couseling because he feels like he will never be good enough in his dads eyes and it rips my heart out. My boys dont deserve to go thru this. We are constantly walking on eggshells wondering when he is gonna snap next. Its his way or no way and he is always right. I lost myself, my self esteem and confidence. I have always prided myself on being a hard worker but in January I got really sick and never recovered. I got hundereds of tests and basically my body is shutting down from the long term chronic stress. My doctor told me the stress is going to kill me before the drugs kill him. I feel so alone. My family and friends hate him (which I get) but its so hard. I try to always stay strong and be hapoy for my boys. I know I should keave it but for some reason its so hard for me to let go and I dont know whym I feel so stupid. I know this is so unhealthy for my boys and myself. Why cant I leave?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

lifechangingdecision, welcome to bpdfamily 

It sounds like you have been, and are going through severe trauma and stress because of this. My heart goes out to you because I recognise the pain you are going through. Here at bpdfamily you are in good company because we recognise what you mean by things like "we are constantly walking on eggshells" from first hand experience.

It sound like you have a crisis right now. You will get through it and things will get better. The good news is that you have reached out to us and we are so glad you did.

This board has many posters with alot of experience living with a spouse/partner who exhibits traits of mental illness, so please keep posting.

Is your husband aware of the distress he is putting you through?

[lifechangingdecision]

Thank you for your kind words, it brought tears to my eyes. Its so hard when noone understand what you are going through and they think its so its to leave. They dontt understand all the manipulation & mental abuse you go through. I am so glad for this sight amd hope to find strength and friends to get me through the hard times.

[Moselle]

Thank you for your kind words, it brought tears to my eyes. Its so hard when noone understand what you are going through and they think its so its to leave. They dontt understand all the manipulation & mental abuse you go through. I am so glad for this sight amd hope to find strength and friends to get me through the hard times.

Good I'm so glad you feel that there is someone who understands

Yes, we are eachother's friends when we need that. The mental trauma is severe, and no-one can maintain a level head going through it alone.

I'm concerned for you. Have you got access to therapy of any kind?

This site is much more than a support when times are tough. There is alot of material here to help us cope.

One step at a time though. How are you maintaining your day to day existence at the moment?

[Cat Familiar]

Your story is very reminiscent of what I went through with my ex-husband, except we didn't have kids and rather than porn, it was prostitutes and one night stands. He continued to run up our joint credit cards even after I broke up with him; I trusted him when he said he would take my name off the accounts (but that's not the way it works--you have to close the account).

I know how I felt--that it was like living with a hurricane. Being in the eye of the storm, the winds would calm down for a bit and I'd catch my breath. Then abruptly, I was in the middle of his high winds and struggling to stay on my feet.

Leaving and getting disentangled from him was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, especially because we owned a business together. But once I did, I never for a minute regretted it. By saying this, I'm not trying to advise you--you've got to make the decision that is best for you.

Some years later I began a wonderful relationship with the man who is now my husband. What I didn't see at the time was that he also has BPD traits, though his are not nearly as severe as my ex. But as I've read in some of the articles here, I guess I had a high need for validation, particularly after that destructive marriage. And he was so wonderful and positive at the beginning, I didn't see that it was too good to be true. Basically my life is really good now; I have financial security and for the most part, we get along well. However, I've just recently discovered that I learned what love is about from my BPD mother and because of that, I gravitated toward BPD partners.

There's a lot of helpful tools here and so much support from those who've been in similar situations. I'm glad you're found this site.

[lifechangingdecision]

Cat Familiar I am so sorry you went through all of that but happy to hear you had the strenght to leave. I recently startly counseling to get my confidence & self esteem back.  For the past couple years I lost myself, my purpose and I knew I needed help. What my doctor told me really scared me and was my wake up call. I stated doing things that I enjoy again and instead ok f asking hubs, I tell him what im doing. I go for walks, spend time with family and friends. Started journaling which has been a huge wake up calll for me. I tend to forget or ignore how bad things really are and focus on the happy times. The journal makes me realize how many bad times there are and its crazy. I pray that soon I get the strenght to follow my mind and not my heart and leave no matter how hard it may be. He says he will kill himself if I leave and I am so scared he will. I truly just want to be happy and my boys to be happy.  I do not wish anything bad for him. I wish he would get more help and learn to love himself. The constant negativity is depressing. Im an optimist, thankful for everything I have, loves to help people, find joy in the simplest things and he is the total opposite. He can never be happy for me or share in my joy and that rips my heart out. Sorry for writing so much and thank you for listening :-)

[Cat Familiar]

LCD,

I too went through the suicide threats and so did my ex's next gf. When my dad died, I was several hundred miles away and he threatened suicide over the phone if I didn't come back home immediately. I called one of his friends and asked him to speak with him.

When I returned home after my dad's funeral, I called a suicide hotline worker and asked about strategies to deal with someone threatening suicide. He told me to ask him in detail what his plans were.

Since I had just taken care of a funeral, I knew detailed questions to ask: did he want to be buried or cremated? Did he want his mother and sisters to view his body? Did he want to be "preserved" or refrigerated? How was he going to do it? Where?

I was so numb that asking these questions was surreal, but it stopped him from ever threatening suicide again (at least to me).

[Cat Familiar]

I recently startly counseling to get my confidence & self esteem back.  For the past couple years I lost myself, my purpose and I knew I needed help. What my doctor told me really scared me and was my wake up call. I stated doing things that I enjoy again and instead ok f asking hubs, I tell him what im doing. I go for walks, spend time with family and friends. Started journaling which has been a huge wake up calll for me. I tend to forget or ignore how bad things really are and focus on the happy times. The journal makes me realize how many bad times there are and its crazy. I pray that soon I get the strenght to follow my mind and not my heart and leave no matter how hard it may be.

I too was the eternal optimist, in spite of repeated bad experiences. I thought if I just loved him enough and stuck with it, that I could change him. Didn't work. I too lost my self esteem and confidence.

Hugs to you. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

[sweetheart]

welcome lifechangingdecision.

I would like to send you some hugs    , I am sorry that life with your h has been so traumatic for you and your children.

Being subjected to sustained emotional trauma can take a long time to recover from, it will take you a while to rebalance yourself and until you do try not to put yourself under too much pressure about making life changing decisions for you and your family.

Starting to change the direction of your focus and care toward yourself is really positive it will help start to disentangle you from the FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt ) that relationships with a pwBPD create.

My h is diagnosed with BPD and Paranoid Schizophrenia and we have a s6. We are just coming out the other side of a really difficult 18months. I can really identify with a living hell. My h exacerbated his illness and BPD dysregulations by using large amounts of codeine products. He was eventually hospitalised for his own safety in July.

With the help of forum members, learning tools and reading lots around this disorder I have been disengaging from his chaos since April. I too have a T and a good doctor. All these things have really helped me reclaim ownership of my own life. Make myself and my sons well being my priority.

I am still with my h but my reasons are clearer and I am not caught up in trying to make him better or believing that my love will save him.

It is great that you are here it will really help.

[lifechangingdecision]

Sweetheart thank you so much for your response. I can relste to it so much. You are so right when you said not to put so much pressure on myself about making life altering decisions. I stress about it all the time. I worry that im ruining my kids childhood, messing them up emotionally,  I overcompensate for his bad behavior. I am my own worst enemy and am starting to realize that. I love my kids more than anything in this world and I want them to be happy. I dont care if we live in a one bedroom apt. Material things mean nothing to me. I miss laughing, the deep belly kind, dancing in the kitchen, just being silly and enjoying life. I appreciate so much others sharing their story. It helps me to see there can be light at the end of the tunnel and we can recover from this. My thought was to start counseling to get some of my strength back before I make any major decisions. I hope im doing the right thing and keep praying for a sign to help me to know whether I should leave or stay. Best of luch to you and I wish you happiness and love :-)

[jedimaster]

I am my own worst enemy and am starting to realize that.

I beg to differ.  You are your own best friend, your own protector and defender and your own best advocate for what is right for you.  You just need the right tools to do what you need to do.  This site is a great place to get a lot of them.  There are a lot of great books as well.  I have been reading everything I can get my hands on (if you have an e-reader or tablet, I definitely recommend not keeping hard copies around).  Our public library has free ebooks and they have several on living with BPD. 

I spent many years thinking I had to deal with things by myself, feeling overwhelmed and powerless to do anything about my situation.  When my uBPDw demanded for the umpteenth time that I "get some help" to fix our relationship, I decided to take her up on it. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, an Rx for Lexapro, a support group, a tablet full of ebooks, and this website.  She thinks all of this is to "make me better."  I know it's to help me deal with a spouse with BPD.  (BTW, she doesn't know about this site or the books.)  I also am building a support team--my parents (who love her but wondered when I'd ever catch on), our family doctor, my two adult sons, and some of our mutual acquaintances.  Not a single one of whom was the least bit surprised when I started talking to them about what was going on.

Do not be afraid to take care of yourself.  Do not be afraid to do, join, go to, talk to, spend, whatever you need to take care of the one person who can save your life and the lives of your children--you. 

You are your best friend.  Your husband, for all his problems, is not your enemy.  The illness is your mortal enemy, and he is just the tool it is using to attack you and your family.  You have to treat this as though this were cancer or some other terminal illness, and it is attacking you.  Do what you have to to save your own life.