borderline girlfriend, no therapy available, emotional control.

[RoseB]

I've been with my girlfriend 'L' for 5 months, but known her as a close friend for over a year. We are both 21 years old and at university together. Last month, after a lot of waiting she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We were expecting this. The only therapy available to her in the UK is group therapy, which she refuses to do due to social anxiety. So now we are stuck, and she is just getting worse.

An example of how severe her disorder is - she left a half eaten bag of chocolate buttons in my house. And a few days later I finished them. She found out when we were messaging each other on our phones, as I innocently told her - What a mistake. She immediately launched into an attack about how I cant control myself around food, how she cant trust me with anything, how I don't respect her, and how I am 'disgusting', she was extremely aggressive and swore a lot. I pointed out that this reaction wasn't normal at all, and that it should be fine for me to finish some chocolate that she had left lying around in my house. In a nut shell, we got into a raging argument about this though text message. She then began saying how she was going to cut herself and probably kill herself as I was making her feel so stressed. About 5 hours later, after a lot of arguing she told me that she had self harmed because I didn't care about her. She did about 7 cuts, deep enough to display fat cells.

It is normal day to day things like this that can tip her over the edge. Even if I suggest we go home when we are in a pub, she will say that I clearly just don't want to spend time with her, even though we have been there for several hours. These things can go one way or the other. I can either back down, and do whatever she asks me to. Or I can stand my ground and be reasonable with her, and the issue will end awfully with a horrific argument and sometimes self harm. It is a lose lose situation for me. I don't want to be controlled, but I also don't want her to hurt herself.

A lot of people don't know why I'm with her, but I do love her, and she has a hold on me. She is a big part of my life, and I only want to support and love her in the hope that she can one day be more stable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itgirl]

Hi roseb

That is BPD in action.  What a reaction all because of chocolates.  There is good news though.  You can learn about how to better handle these situations.  Having a drawn out fight over text must be avoided.  Read the lessons on the right side of the page.  Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse. 

I too did all the wrong things for years.  Only recently have I truly started enforcing boundaries with my girlfriend to protect myself from verbal abuse.

The way we communicate with pwBPD is SO important and you need to learn this skill.

[sweetheart]

Hello RoseB,

I live in the UK too   with my h who is diagnosed with BPD as well as PS. Does your gf have a P or a Care Coordinator or has she accessed support only through a GP?

itgirl is right a 5 hour conversation whatever the crisis for a pwBPD is a no no. For your gf to get the help she needs and there is other help available, she must experience the consequences of her actions and behaviours.

Your choice to stay with your gf will mean that you need to access support just for you. The lessons available here will be invaluable to your relationship. When in place they will help you protect yourself and think about what boundaries will be useful to help you take good care of you.

[RoseB]

Hi roseb

That is BPD in action.  What a reaction all because of chocolates.  There is good news though.  You can learn about how to better handle these situations.  Having a drawn out fight over text must be avoided.  Read the lessons on the right side of the page.  Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse. 

I too did all the wrong things for years.  Only recently have I truly started enforcing boundaries with my girlfriend to protect myself from verbal abuse.

The way we communicate with pwBPD is SO important and you need to learn this skill.

Yeah I know it wasn't a good thing to let happen. We've decided not let these things happen over text, we either have to stop the argument or we see each other face to face. The problem is that as soon as she doesn't get her own way, she will eventually mention self harm and suicide. I sometimes feel she's saying it purely to control me. I don't like the giving in and letting her have her own way, I'm unsure what counts as being too firm with her. I'm struggling to know how to deal with this. She's very clever and manipulative.

[itgirl]

Your relationship is still young which is a good thing.  If you set boundaries from the beginning it's much easier than doing it later. 

Here are some reading material.

BPD Behaviors: Self injury and Self Harm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70493.0

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

You need to take the first step as the healthy partner and not re-enforcing bad behavior. 

[RoseB]

Thank you very much. I will give these all a read.