Got stuck and remain a child

[claireNew]

Hi, I’m claireNew, 28 years old female. Here is my introduction post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237167.0

I have a friend who I suspect is BPD. The relationship between her and me is like sisters. I lived with her for four years in college and now we keep in contact as friends.

She didn’t abuse me directly. She showed those BPD symptoms to her boyfriends and other roommates. I witnessed them and after the conflicts I took care of her sadness and anger. I soothed her and accompanied her until she got better, meanwhile I kept her embarrassing secrets. I felt that she trusted me and treated me as a reliable friend.

I felt confused and exhausted. Her behaviors violated my values. In fact, two of my values challenged each other. I didn’t agree with her unreasonable behaviors, but I always wanted to be a supportive friend. After all, she didn’t attack me, and there were enough reasons a woman could go crazy during a breakup, at least the novels and movies told that.

I also felt lonely due to keeping the secrets. Gradually it seemed that she took it for granted that I should be ready for her more frequent crisis. Each time after she recovered and left me, she bought me a gift, which made me feel being treated as a simple minded child. I found that I did nothing but being prepared for her need.

Comparing to others’ experiences on this website, what I experienced seemed very trivial. It was even not severe enough to be called a trauma. I have read some posts on this website. Most people experienced much worse abuse from their BPD partners. While reading the posts, I felt that I might have post these if I were her boyfriend. To be honest, she didn't intent to hurt me. She thought I was a strong and reliable friend. If I had been weak and unfriendly, she would not have come to me so many times.

I admitted that this is all my responsibility. My lack of boundary and low self-respect misguided her to seek comfort from me. She was not the one who made me live a disappointing life. I myself screwed my youth time up. I spent my time and energy to take care of her crisis, so as not to face my own life problems. Five years after graduation, I felt incompetent in doing my job. I had few friends, for I felt low self-esteem due to my failure in career. I lost contact with my old friends.

I had ever seen a psychological counselor for one year and a half. The counselor helped me a lot. He helped me deal with the grief of my father’s sudden death and the sexual harassment which both happened when I was a child. I felt I got healed. I managed to start dating and now I have a happy marriage. But I was not able to describe my confusion about this friend, for at that time I didn't know about BPD, and it was difficult to describe her behavior. If I could identify BPD, maybe I would have talked about it with him.

Before I knew about BPD, I felt suspicious and confused but without a reasonable excuse to blame her. After all it was very common that a women went crazy during a breakup. After I knew about BPD and believed that she had BPD, I became angry at her and inwardly blamed her for all my failures both in career and in friendship. I felt as one of her victims. It is much easier to blame others than to admit that I myself is a loser.

I would have kept blaming her for the rest of my life, if I did not fortunately come to this bpdfamily.com website. I expressed my anger and got understood. I decided to stop contact her. But after the anger, I had to face my own problems. It was difficult to see my own fault and responsibility when there were too many angers.

I got stuck at the college time. I didn’t grow as others did. I always felt like an incompetent child. I need a lot of efforts to build my boundary, to create my career, to rebuild friendship with my friends, to take full responsibility of my life, to take care of my family, and to become an adult.

claireNew

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, ClaireNew,



It sounds like you are at a really good place as you take the reins up for your own responsibility for growing into who you want to be. College is a hugely formative time, and being sucked into abusive patterns during that time can really mess with your head. I'm so glad you have a good T and are getting good help hanging out here.

I was struggling to become un-enmeshed with my uBPDmom while I was in my 6.5 years of college... .and didn't really start making the big steps until I was your age (which I'm not far past now), so I can imagine a little of how you may feel. I hope you can be patient with yourself!

What does being an adult look like to you?

[claireNew]

What does being an adult look like to you?

Thanks claudiaduffy. It's really nice that you understand my feelings.

Being an adult means I am capable of dealing with my life, including the job, the friendship, the responsibility of taking care of my families, and so on. There are something that I think I SHOULD have done as a 28 years old married woman, especially considering that I entered the top university and most of my classmates are very excellent now.

I should have a well-paid job, but I am still a PhD student. I don't think I can meet the requirements of graduation, and I feel low self-esteem during these more than five years as a PhD student. Currently it is the most important thing to me. 

It is unfair to blame my uBPD roommate for my current difficult situation. Maybe I think of her because I am not happy with my life. If I am doing fine in my job, I won't think of her to blame.

[claudiaduffy]

You know, there's an awful lot you can't control in life. People who finish their PhDs at a young age aren't guaranteed a high-paying job. People who easily meet graduation requirements still suffer from low self-esteem.

What if you cut your expectations of being an adult down to what you CAN control?

For myself, I'd rather be able to say, "As an adult, I work hard to consistently step towards emotional health for myself and those around me" than say "I can't feel like I'm an adult if X milestone isn't reached."

Somewhere, I saw the use of "should" challenged; someone decided to quit using that word altogether, and doing the same thing has changed my life. When I'm feeling like I'm not living up to some standard, I won't use it anymore. Instead of saying, "I should finish that project I've been dragging out," I say, "I want to finish that project I've been dragging out." Instead of saying "I should be further along with my savings account by now," I say, "I want to implement good steps to amp up my savings." Even when it's just me talking to myself, refusing to use language of shame and guilt is a really freeing thing!

Hang in there, friend. I have several friends who didn't get their Masters and PhD degrees until they were in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. They are being the kind of adult that I want to be - the kind that doesn't give up.

[claireNew]

Even when it's just me talking to myself, refusing to use language of shame and guilt is a really freeing thing!

Hang in there, friend. I have several friends who didn't get their Masters and PhD degrees until they were in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. They are being the kind of adult that I want to be - the kind that doesn't give up.

Thanks claudiaduffy.

I understand that I do not need to compare myself with “everybody”. “Everybody is making money now but I am still in the university!”, it seems that my self-esteem depends on whether I am more successful than my friends and siblings. Even if I graduate early and find a good job, I might still feel anxious about whether I own a big enough house or whether my baby is as smart as others’. It is a horrible thought that I will compare my child with others’. It could be child abuse.

While I was seeing the psychological counsellor, he reminded me about my frequently using “should”. After the counselling ended, I lost his support and gradually behaved backwards. However, I don’t want to live my whole life with the support of the counsellor. No matter how long the treatment lasts, it will end one day. I wish to be an independent adult who is able to deal with her own life, though there are difficulties and challenges, which are the normal parts of life. Sometimes I missed my counsellor and his support, but I also thanked myself for my efforts.

At first I thought it was the problem of procrastination. Sure it is part of because the research methodology and GTD knowledge. Moreover, it is about self-esteem, self-respect, self-control, boundary, values, lonely, responsibility, and so on. My husband had ever worked in the USA and in Europe. He told me that it was common to see a 30 years old PhD student, who is enjoying his or her life. Despite the cultural differences, I didn’t enjoy my own life, but desired others’ .

Maybe the topic has gone off BPD. I have decided to end the contact with my uBPD friend. I will discard the stuffs which are given by her or remind me of her. Since we are no contact, I have little to talk about her. Not until the next time she contacts me will I have a new conflict feeling. Currently I am in the stage of anger during the process of detachment. Sometimes I envisioned an occasion where I have the opportunity to let our mutual friends know my feelings as well as her true personality. I hold the anger and won't let it hurt others or myself.

claireNew

[claireNew]

What does being an adult look like to you?

It's really a very important question. I thought about it again.

Being an adult means being responsible for my behavior, as well as being responsible for my decision.

When the deadline comes, I will be bravery to face the consequences of not finishing the task, rather than making excuses and getting paralyzed emotionally and physically.

When there is a get-together of classmates I will be bravery enough to attend and to talk with my friends about how things are going on, rather than fearing to let others know my situation.

When I feel angry, fearful, or sad, I will not easily become emotional breakdown. I will have enough self-control and will release the feelings properly. I will be rational most of the time, especially in times of crisis.

If I do think I made the wrong choice, I will not cry or shout that "I do want to stay here anymore!". I will not just quit and run away.  I will stand some discomfort and annoying tasks, to be responsible for my job in a team. I will make rational decisions and do what I can to find another opportunity. Again, I will be responsible for my decision.

I won't behave like a child who keeps crying to "get off the plane". An adult would know that the plane could not stop as he or she wishes, so he has to stand the uncomfortable travel. He could choose never to travel by plane anymore, but he has to endure this travel.

[claudiaduffy]

Clairenew, I really like reading your processing of that question. You've given me some things to think about for my own journey as an adult!