Empathy?

[DreamFlyer99]

I think what you are saying is that no matter what you do you can't make a chicken salad, only make a less pungent fertilizer and learn to be happy with that. The days of fine dining are gone, unless you find different ingredients.

Once you get used to no longer eating chicken poo it seems unimaginable to willingly go back to it

BAHAHAHAAAA! Well said. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

Are you saying life with a pBPD is always going to be eating chicken poo? And i have to accept this or leave ifi wish to eat anything else? I'm not sure i can handle this.

[Cat Familiar]

Yep same here. My first husband was just selfish and useless. When I met my husband now, I thought I hit the jackpot. We have so much in common, so many laughs! He's very intelligent, knows something about EVERYTHING. He held this part of him in for 6 months. Then when it trickled out, he said was depression... .when I did my own research and confronted him with what I thought, he told the truth. Then a year later WHOOSH the crazy wasn't being held in anymore. Well darn it if I don't already love him, and I'm committed to this marriage. So, here I am... .making chicken salad out of chicken something else

That's so interesting about holding in the crazy. Ethyl, my experience is very similar to yours with 1st and 2nd. With #2, he managed to hold in the crazy for several years--well, not entirely, but at least it wasn't directed at me. The crazy came out in alcoholic overindulgence, often combined with pills. When I started complaining about that, then the crazy was directed at me. I didn't realize that it was his pressure release valve. There were a few times that he was so unresponsive that I was tempted to call 911, but I made use of my EMT training and in my best judgment, I realized that he was not in a life-threatening state. Now I regret not calling 911 and him getting consequences.

Yes, and I'm in agreement with those of you who are mourning the relationship. Is chicken poop all I have to look forward to over time? Well there are nice times, but he's holding so much of a grudge toward me for complaining about his drinking problem that the ambient temperature is coldness.

On a funny note, I just was in Tractor Supply yesterday and at the check stand I saw a lip moisturizing product called Chicken Poop, which in the fine print says there's no poop in the ingredients. Something for your favorite rural friend for Christmas!

[DreamFlyer99]

Chicken Poop lip balm! it would be so much funnier if there was poop in it, but I suppose then they wouldn't sell any... .

In a relationship where one person will not own up to any responsibility for their actions, there's a lot of poo going on. But there are many times where the pwBPD is much more willing to work on the relationship, and those seem to have a higher "Good" to "Poo" ratio. When the poo starts taking the higher portion of the time in the relationship then one may need to take a good honest look at it.

So, lotsa good, occasional bad? Okay, everybody deals with that. Mostly bad and a dribble of good? Hmmm... .worth thinking about.

For me, seeing the relationship was causing me to now have trauma from marriage on top of my trauma from childhood, and seeing my physical health take a dive too over the past decade tipped the scale. First we always want to work on our own boundaries to see if that can keep the scale more balanced, since sometimes that may be enough.

Our hope has to be in our own actions, since those are the only ones we control.

[Cat Familiar]

In a relationship where one person will not own up to any responsibility for their actions, there's a lot of poo going on. But there are many times where the pwBPD is much more willing to work on the relationship, and those seem to have a higher "Good" to "Poo" ratio. When the poo starts taking the higher portion of the time in the relationship then one may need to take a good honest look at it.

So, lotsa good, occasional bad? Okay, everybody deals with that. Mostly bad and a dribble of good? Hmmm... .worth thinking about.

Good point to examine the ratio! I know that sheer exhaustion on my part from dealing with a person with mental illness can cause me to be more of a glass half empty person than my normal happy-go-lucky self.

[ColdEthyl]

For me, my relationship has a lot more positive than negative, it's just sometimes his negatives "feel heavier" and honestly, the kind of poo that pwBPD bring to the table are pretty darn heavy

I just meant that I'm making the best of the situation because I love him and it's where I want to be right now. If the negatives start to outweigh the positives, well that would have to be re-examined.

On a side note, I sometimes wonder if I would be happy in a regular relationship (whatever that means). There's a bit of a challenge with my dBPDh. I do like challenges. But, I do worry about 'burning out' at some point, too.

[Cat Familiar]

On a side note, I sometimes wonder if I would be happy in a regular relationship (whatever that means). There's a bit of a challenge with my dBPDh. I do like challenges. But, I do worry about 'burning out' at some point, too.

As a kid, I liked the "bad" horses that would buck and rear up. And I liked bad boys. Now I like the nice quiet horses with good manners (old lady's horses) and wish my husband would have good manners too.

[ColdEthyl]

Yeaaaaah. I did like the bad boys, too. I never saw him as a bad boy until his BPD came slipping out.

On a side note, I sometimes wonder if I would be happy in a regular relationship (whatever that means). There's a bit of a challenge with my dBPDh. I do like challenges. But, I do worry about 'burning out' at some point, too.

As a kid, I liked the "bad" horses that would buck and rear up. And I liked bad boys. Now I like the nice quiet horses with good manners (old lady's horses) and wish my husband would have good manners too.

[DreamFlyer99]

I really struggled with the truth that I love my husband but I can't live with him. But I guess that's just the truth of it. Once it became more apparent to me that he felt no need to treat me with care or respect I had to change where I lived. It was really hard to come to terms with.

Plus I had to question how real his love for me was in action rather than words, and the scale got mighty off-balance then! Tough choice.

It's such an individual decision for each of us, yunno?

[ColdEthyl]

I really struggled with the truth that I love my husband but I can't live with him. But I guess that's just the truth of it. Once it became more apparent to me that he felt no need to treat me with care or respect I had to change where I lived. It was really hard to come to terms with.

Plus I had to question how real his love for me was in action rather than words, and the scale got mighty off-balance then! Tough choice.

It's such an individual decision for each of us, yunno?

Yep, it's a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I'm not naive enough to think that I will never find myself there down the road, but right now I'm where I want to be. He's trying, he's self-aware, and I'm lucky in that aspect.

[DreamFlyer99]

Yep, it's a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I'm not naive enough to think that I will never find myself there down the road, but right now I'm where I want to be. He's trying, he's self-aware, and I'm lucky in that aspect.

You are so very fortunate! For him to be self-aware and wanting to make changes, that's HUGE.

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep, it's a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I'm not naive enough to think that I will never find myself there down the road, but right now I'm where I want to be. He's trying, he's self-aware, and I'm lucky in that aspect.

You are so very fortunate! For him to be self-aware and wanting to make changes, that's HUGE.

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

Yep it's a different ballgame IMO. You have the best choice for YOU.

[Cat Familiar]

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

I need to tread lightly when and if my H has a realization about himself. He's not happy if I mention it and want to explore further, yet he's not happy if I don't acknowledge it either.

[DreamFlyer99]

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

I need to tread lightly when and if my H has a realization about himself. He's not happy if I mention it and want to explore further, yet he's not happy if I don't acknowledge it either.

Cat Familiar, that's so familiar!

I've been yelled at for saying "remember when you said--" with "I JUST KNEW YOU':) BRING THAT UP! I'm sorry I ever said it!" Guess that would mean being responsible for what he said, and he'd rather not go there. 

[waverider]

Probably doesn't want you to take ownership of it. It is his to declare when and where it suits

[Cat Familiar]

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

I've been yelled at for saying "remember when you said--" with "I JUST KNEW YOU':) BRING THAT UP! I'm sorry I ever said it!" Guess that would mean being responsible for what he said, and he'd rather not go there. 

I've been having an interesting issue with validating. I will repeat something he's just said and then he will say, "I didn't say that" or "I don't think that" and I'll say, "You just said that."

[DreamFlyer99]

Probably doesn't want you to take ownership of it. It is his to declare when and where it suits

That totally makes sense!

My uBPDh would have the occasional moment of clarity and say something that showed he understood something about himself at that moment, but then he wouldn't take that realization and work with it, he'd just be mad if I mentioned it later. Apparently he's too comfortable where he's at, yunno? And it really sucks after 38 years.

I've been yelled at for saying "remember when you said--" with "I JUST KNEW YOU':) BRING THAT UP! I'm sorry I ever said it!" Guess that would mean being responsible for what he said, and he'd rather not go there.  

I've been having an interesting issue with validating. I will repeat something he's just said and then he will say, "I didn't say that" or "I don't think that" and I'll say, "You just said that."

Why's it gotta be so hard? (she whined... .)