How to handle BPDh's the gambling problem?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband has BPD (he's not aware) and has been addicted to gambling for about 20 years. His gambling issue was quite serious before our marriage, and it went on like that for the first couple of years of our marriage.  Finally, he made a promise that he would never go to a casino without me or without my permission - which went through several revisions and reinforcements to make it work. So far, it's been quiet.  At least, no records (bank accounts or credit cards) have shown anything except for 2-3 times when he withdraw a 1-200 dollars from ATM at a casino. I don't know if he's lending money from any unknown sources or if he has secret bank accounts. As far as I know, his credit report looks clean.

But, recently, I traveled often and came back from work late due to some projects, and I've noticed that he has been going to a casino whenever I was not home. How do I know?  I don't check on his e-mails or cell phones (It's the last thing I want to do when I get suspicious, and I don't even check my billing statements too carefully, either).  It just looks so obvious when he comes back from a casino - he is more upbeat and becomes more active than usual. Those things are so visible.

Sometimes, I find some physical evidence like the front part of his car being still warm, and he is still in his suit at 10 PM (he always changes and wears his PJs as soon he gets home) claiming he got home 5 hours before and saying he is so tired of waiting for me coming back home late from work. So, without going through some sort of investigation (questioning him where he went . . . etc.), there are so many signs that tell me what he did while I was gone. He doesn't know that I know because I didn't tell him as I didn't want to deal with his BPD symptoms.  

In fact, since 2012, his BPD issue has gotten so much better.  It was when I called the police for help when he went out of control and ended up trying to hurt me.  I don't know what the police told him and if he is seeing a therapist, but amazingly, he has hardly shown his BPD symptoms since then.  He's been so calm that I was even worried if he was really OK.  Since then, he showed very mild anger only a couple of times - and it was not even as outrageous as before - not even close.  

Although it seems my husband has found ways to improve his BPD condition, I think it's time to do something about his gambling issue.  I'm getting so tired of listening to his lies and all kinds of alibis.  The more he tells me fake stories, the more I feel he has not respect to me. For the last few weeks, I have been feeling so angry and started question myself why I need to continue living with him when he constantly lies what he did almost every other day. As my husband is so addicted to gambling, I understand it's impossible to stop him from going to a casino completely and I need to give him some room.  That's why I ignored when I noticed him going to a casino a couple of times every year.  Sometimes, I took him to Vegas for a few days.  But, now, it seems it is getting serious.  He is gone for a few hours every time I have late weekly meetings (always on Mon and Wed) and comes back home a few minutes before I come back. So, this happens at least 1-2 times every week, and if I'm out of town, I don't know how often.  It seems that my two week trip to Europe made him worse, and now he can't control himself.  Last week, I came home from a meeting a few hours earlier than my schedule, and he was not home.  As usual, he wouldn't answer my call at all and finally came back home as soon as he found out I came back early. Not to mention I had to hear all kinds of things that he did - things that he would never do usually.

I'm now getting really sick of listening to his lies.  The problem is that I feel he does not respect me at all and thinks he can do whatever he wants as long as he can deceive me. It makes me feel so miserable.  Yesterday, I couldn't stand it and asked him "not to hang out at "places" where he was not supposed to be" and told him "I have known where you might have been."  Well, as worried, it triggered all his BPD symptoms back.  He became so angry and started criticizing me being "extremely selfish" because I don't understand his entire life being so difficult to support his parents (one of the common excuses he come with when it comes to his gambling) - saying he does gambling to earn money for his poor parents (his parents don't need financial support from us although they are not wealthy). I told him that his parents won't be happy if you gamble to make money for them, and he left home at 11 PM.  

He hasn't come back since then.  Now, I'm thinking I should have kept my mouth shut pretending not knowing anything.  But, at the same time, I feel that it is time to help him on this gambling addiction, which I've just tried to ignore as long as I don't see any financial issues.  I may let him continue to go to a casino occasionally, but I don't think I can stand with him lying to me anymore.  It just makes our relationship meaningless.  

If you experienced the similar problem, what would you do?  

[canyoncrest]

My husband has BPD (he's not aware) and has been addicted to gambling for about 20 years. His gambling issue was quite serious before our marriage, and it went on like that for the first couple of years of our marriage.  Finally, he made a promise that he would never go to a casino without me or without my permission - which went through several revisions and reinforcements to make it work. So far, it's been quiet.  At least, no records (bank accounts or credit cards) have shown anything except for 2-3 times when he withdraw a 1-200 dollars from ATM at a casino. I don't know if he's lending money from any unknown sources or if he has secret bank accounts. As far as I know, his credit report looks clean.

But, recently, I traveled often and came back from work late due to some projects, and I've noticed that he has been going to a casino whenever I was not home. How do I know?  I don't check on his e-mails or cell phones (It's the last thing I want to do when I get suspicious, and I don't even check my billing statements too carefully, either).  It just looks so obvious when he comes back from a casino - he is more upbeat and becomes more active than usual. Those things are so visible.

Sometimes, I find some physical evidence like the front part of his car being still warm, and he is still in his suit at 10 PM (he always changes and wears his PJs as soon he gets home) claiming he got home 5 hours before and saying he is so tired of waiting for me coming back home late from work. So, without going through some sort of investigation (questioning him where he went . . . etc.), there are so many signs that tell me what he did while I was gone. He doesn't know that I know because I didn't tell him as I didn't want to deal with his BPD symptoms.  

In fact, since 2012, his BPD issue has gotten so much better.  It was when I called the police for help when he went out of control and ended up trying to hurt me.  I don't know what the police told him and if he is seeing a therapist, but amazingly, he has hardly shown his BPD symptoms since then.  He's been so calm that I was even worried if he was really OK.  Since then, he showed very mild anger only a couple of times - and it was not even as outrageous as before - not even close.  

Although it seems my husband has found ways to improve his BPD condition, I think it's time to do something about his gambling issue.  I'm getting so tired of listening to his lies and all kinds of alibis.  The more he tells me fake stories, the more I feel he has not respect to me. For the last few weeks, I have been feeling so angry and started question myself why I need to continue living with him when he constantly lies what he did almost every other day. As my husband is so addicted to gambling, I understand it's impossible to stop him from going to a casino completely and I need to give him some room.  That's why I ignored when I noticed him going to a casino a couple of times every year.  Sometimes, I took him to Vegas for a few days.  But, now, it seems it is getting serious.  He is gone for a few hours every time I have late weekly meetings (always on Mon and Wed) and comes back home a few minutes before I come back. So, this happens at least 1-2 times every week, and if I'm out of town, I don't know how often.  It seems that my two week trip to Europe made him worse, and now he can't control himself.  Last week, I came home from a meeting a few hours earlier than my schedule, and he was not home.  As usual, he wouldn't answer my call at all and finally came back home as soon as he found out I came back early. Not to mention I had to hear all kinds of things that he did - things that he would never do usually.

I'm now getting really sick of listening to his lies.  The problem is that I feel he does not respect me at all and thinks he can do whatever he wants as long as he can deceive me. It makes me feel so miserable.  Yesterday, I couldn't stand it and asked him "not to hang out at "places" where he was not supposed to be" and told him "I have known where you might have been."  Well, as worried, it triggered all his BPD symptoms back.  He became so angry and started criticizing me being "extremely selfish" because I don't understand his entire life being so difficult to support his parents (one of the common excuses he come with when it comes to his gambling) - saying he does gambling to earn money for his poor parents (his parents don't need financial support from us although they are not wealthy). I told him that his parents won't be happy if you gamble to make money for them, and he left home at 11 PM.  

He hasn't come back since then.  Now, I'm thinking I should have kept my mouth shut pretending not knowing anything.  But, at the same time, I feel that it is time to help him on this gambling addiction, which I've just tried to ignore as long as I don't see any financial issues.  I may let him continue to go to a casino occasionally, but I don't think I can stand with him lying to me anymore.  It just makes our relationship meaningless.  

If you experienced the similar problem, what would you do?  

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[DreamerGirl]

canyoncrest I don't have any advice, but I hope someone does.  I know how hard it is because I'm in a similar situation with the gambling and lies to cover it.  It's very hard and I know I have the same feelings as you as being disrespected when they lie to us.

[waverider]

I have not had to deal with gambling, but other forms of addictive behavior. In order to put them in the past you need several things inplace

~total ownership of the problem

~professional support, so he has someone other than you to confide in when the urge is upon him

~Total abstinence from whatever the addiction is. Addictions have no ability to stay regulated. They can, and will, blow up any time. Waiting for that to happen is stressful to both of you

~Total honesty, cover ups become a way of life and a line that becomes of no consequence to cross

You have to protect yourself from potential consequences financially, physically and emotionally. Deliberately not snooping andnot  becoming obsessively suspicious is a good start as that wont change anything except make the it impact even more so on your well being.

I feel for you it is hard for those who are affected by the addictive behavior of their loved ones.