I think I've begun to think more clearly...

[lovethebeach]

The past few days, since he received his stuff ... .I have begun to be able to think for logically and clear headed and apply some of what I have learned during this month.

He is sick. I tried to save him. As much as I could. And he tried too... .but to him, feelings are facts. So the way he feels is how he will act and I cant sign up for a kid of him acting on how hes feeling in the moments. He needs to grow up with or without the BPD for him to be ready for a relationship with someone like me.

Now he got the boxes... .so his family knows. Either it'll trigger his abandonment fear and he'll be hurting... .or he'll do stupid things some more. I don't know but I'm not in the driver seat anymore.

I think he got back into our university Friday. During our relationship, he passed English FINALLY after failing it three times and had increased his academic performance enough for them to re-consider admitting him again. As a child his NPD mom used to lock him outside in the cold until he finished his writing (something she admits too), so naturally he developed an aversion to it. But, with me he made great improvements. I scheduled him meetings with all the right people... .academic advisors and the disability coordinator for his ADHD. So I believe Friday, he made a schedule and such for the Spring. So I'm happy for him. It's all set it all up and now he has the wheel. I don't think he'll make it past two semesters... .after his friends graduate and no one is really there anymore, (without proper support) he'll go down the same road as before... .failing out due to poor academic performance, yet hes actually brilliant (his NPD mom had him tested at a younger age). It's sad for me to even think about because I don't see a pretty future for him without a college education. Regardless, I wish him luck on his journey.

I've become a trigger for his guilt and shame. Him reaching out to me would mean re living those things that hes worked to bury... .so I doubt it'll happen... .but it's all about him as usual. I'm not necessarily sure what trigger means... .other than triggering him to feel feelings he doesn't want to feel. And so as much as I wanted to reach out after his accident, I don't think I'd get "BF" on the other end of the phone.

You see... .me staying away is selfless as much as it is selfish. I don't want to hurt him anymore. He does that enough to himself. And by me making contact (first) he'd feel the shame and guilt (anger) again. Or just be a totally cold person... .all defense mechanisms.  Not about me. But it still hurts.

Such a learning process.

[Mutt]

I can tell you have caretaker qualities. You cared for him and tried to help guide him academically.

It agree process and one that's not always linear. What are you struggling with? Are you feeling deep sadness that you inadvertently became a trigger? Do you blame yourself?

[lovethebeach]

Mutt,

I helped him in every aspect... .he was so lost before me I'm not sure I could articulate it properly. He was excessively drinking and partying and ultimately expelled from school for poor academic performance. The strange part is he is quite intellectual (he was tested as a child). As a kid he had ADHD so badly that he underwent neuro-feedback.

After a short while together, he joined the military (having no other options and wanting to get away from his family)... .He ultimately left after a few months and stress fractures during basic training... .I still think a part of him left to be with me/chase the dream.  Yet, I should note that he never finishes anything he starts. I thought with him coming home, we would finally have a life together (since the military lifestyle isn't for me).

When he got home, I helped him get a car as my dad runs dealerships. He was basically given a $6,000 for $2,000 (Since he barely had any money and his parents wouldn't help him). They used to make him travel down to the university with his father (who works there) at 5A and return with his dad at 9P... He was always exhausted and hungry as they gave him no money for food during his time there. His father was never strong enough to stand up to his mother and BF suffered as a result; yet we met in college and I was always there.

Then I helped him build a resume and find a job. With that came money management and eventually, back into a community college so he could academically improve in order to get back into the university. During this time, I also helped him get a therapist. I thought he could begin to understand that his mother's abuse wasn't his fault... .and learn to deal with the BPD "traits" he had as a result. After all, knowledge is power ... so I thought by educating him he would begin to see himself standing on the train tracks. I tried so hard to let him know what lie ahead for him if he didn't get help.

Looking back, he was basically a child. He needed my help with everything and there was always something going wrong... .physically/emotionally... .an accident, a debacle, a mess that he created whether subconsciously or unconsciously. He says "he tried" and "changed" himself for the relationship, and to an extent he did but I think it was all just a "mirror"... .because now he's back to his old ways. He hasn't even checked in since our breakup, even after my accident.

For me, I could've dealt with a lot but the lying brought down our relationship. Always. It would take an hour for me to back him into a corner for him to come clean. Then, it all culminated in the secret e-mail account and craigslist messages to other women. I don't think he was malicious in his intent, just merely a child trying to satisfy his needs once I was no longer there everyday. After graduation, we only saw each other on weekends. It doesn't matter. It's not an excuse.

And yes, I'm upset that I became a trigger. I just don't know what happened. How did it happen? I tried so hard. I gave it everything I had. I did more than I think anyone would. I did it for him and for us.

I don't know if I blame myself? I dont think so. I truly poured my heart in soul into us and into him. I thought that by "getting him on his feet" with money and giving him hope of a future again (school) he would begin to be able to reciprocate. Yet it seems the opposite occurred.

He's rebelling against "mommy" and trying to prove to himself that he can handle it all. Or maybe he's just being cold and distant. Maybe he doesn't care. I'll never know.

[BrokenFamily]

They are always lost before us... .It's a wonder how my ex even survived before me but I gave her the tools in our 4 years together she needs and wish her well. We have a daughter together so I'll always be there to lend a hand as long as its appreciated and my boundaries are not crossed.

[Mutt]

He needed my help with everything and there was always something going wrong... .physically/emotionally... .an accident, a debacle, a mess that he created whether subconsciously or unconsciously.

lovethebeach,

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I removed his name from your post to remove identifying information (his first name ) as well in previous posts ( the ones I caught ) Perhaps you didn't see my edits, it's the internet and it's just precaution and site guidelines.  

Are you seeing a T? Digging through your own stuff.

I know your smart.



But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself.

As you stated he always needed help with something and need emotional rescue. Can you see the dynamic play out in the above paragraphs? He's running away from the pain from his core wound of abandonment and wanting someone to take care of him in a parental role. It's not a healthy adult relationship.

I thought that by "getting him on his feet" with money and giving him hope of a future again (school) he would begin to be able to reciprocate. Yet it seems the opposite occurred.

Emotional rescues isn't helping him. This is Borderline Personality Disorder and I understand how frustrating and painful it is, enabling prolongs his chances and desire to help himself if we continue to enable. Our love is not above the disorder. Our love will not cure or fix it. He has to stop running away from his issues and work on them in therapy.

He eventually has to stand on his own two feet. I can understand wanting to support a loved one if they're receptive and doing the work in therapy. I let my wife go. They used to have this old term called "tough love" I removed myself from her network of enablers. I'm one less person enabling bad behaviors. I hope someday she loses her enablers and hopefully then, she'll have to face herself and maybe that will be the catalyst for her to help herself. From now until then, I disengage and I emotionally detached from her.

She has her own path. I have my own path. I neither love her or hate her. I'm indifferent. I do have compassion and hopefully the mother of my children, helps herself for the sake of her kids. She may or may not. I'll see what the future unfolds. I'm not an enabler. I do it because I care. My children have unconditional love for their mother. Their mother is a person and Borderline Personality Disorder is just that, a difficult and misunderstood disorder with stygma's attached to it. She has to want to help herself.

[DangIthurts]

I don't see how you realized you became a trigger for his guilt and shame... .I read the story but I personally don't see anything that would indicate a trigger.

Maybe you can clarify for me?

I agree dragging him through life as Mutt said isn't helping him. At first I tried to do this too, I wanted to be the savior I threw resources at it begged her to take it, offered her credit cards all that but she refused... .Then I realized after two months of hell... its not about that.

If you love someone regardless of BPD you've gotta accept they may never change. I loved her weather she finished school or didn't. I have my own personal demons unrelated to all this which may feed this but they also woke me up to a few things. Weather my girl wanted to work part time at 711 or be president made no difference to me and thats the point I tried to hammer in most. And that if she needed me I would always be there. And I think thats all you can do, for anyone.

[enlighten me]

I realised I was a trigger to my ex as just seeing me reminded her of what she had done. Even though nothing was said I now realise that she had cheated on me and that some of her irrational behaviour was dealing with the guilt. Also there was resentment that she couldnt do what she wanted as she was torn between wanting to do what she liked and trying to be faithful to me.

[lovethebeach]

Thank you all for your advice! It's always so insightful!

I did give him tools. I taught him a lot and I can only hope that some of it stuck. Maybe in a distant future, when he's at his "bottom" the words BPD will pop back up into his head and he'll be ready to fight it. For now, it seems he just isn't ready or doesn't want too. He's cowardly and took the easy way out ... .to let go of me.

I have a T appointment (again) next week, to help me sort through the mess. But, in a way, I guess I should be happy that I didn't fall down the rabbit hole myself and we have no ever-lasting ties.

You're correct it wasn't healthy. It's like he turned me into "mommy" and than ran away.  

He was in therapy, but his therapist didn't seem to want to put a "label" on it just yet. Regardless, he fits it to a T. I've managed to accept that with or without the label, he's clearly distorted. It's just so sad. He deserves a happy life.

As for how our relationship ended? Is that how I became a trigger? I dont fully understand the concept... .

For those who don't know, him and I were having some issues. One night, I snooped on his laptop (which I admit was wrong) and found a secret e-mail account in which he was messaging women  on Craigslist explicitly, sexually. I was sick to my stomach at the things I saw. He was completed devastated and begging for me to stay... .Ultimately, we decided to work on things... or so I thought. He kept saying "it was just fantasy and it didn't mean anything." We saw one another for the next two weekends, one being his birthday. After the second weekend, I caught him making an online dating profile as I had the password to the secret e-mail. He denied it for three hours before ultimately coming clean. The dating profile was blank, but it didn't matter... .I couldn't comprehend how working on things meant making a dating profile. That Wednesday, (a month ago) he told me he was at school. In actuality I caught him lying, because he was in fact at an Italian restaurant (with God knows who).

I think I became a trigger because I continuously called him on his BS... .our whole relationship... .it's one of the reasons that he said he "loved me." But, it was NEVER to this extent. I caught him in three BIG lies in three weeks and by doing so I became a trigger?

It's a slow process for me, but I do feel myself improving... thanks to this wonderful board and my own sense of self. It's been one month and I finally feel comfortable with the decision. I can honestly say that if he called, I would not get back together. His path is his path and mine is my own. I did everything in my power and more to lead him down a different road. As they say, "I led him to water, but I can't make him drink."

[DangIthurts]

I think I became a trigger because I continuously called him on his BS... .our whole relationship... .it's one of the reasons that he said he "loved me." But, it was NEVER to this extent. I caught him in three BIG lies in three weeks and by doing so I became a trigger?

It's a slow process for me, but I do feel myself improving... thanks to this wonderful board and my own sense of self. It's been one month and I finally feel comfortable with the decision. I can honestly say that if he called, I would not get back together. His path is his path and mine is my own. I did everything in my power and more to lead him down a different road. As they say, "I led him to water, but I can't make him drink."

I guess its entirely possible and again they're all different so while someones ex may call them 100 times trying to reconnect and brushes off the trigger aspect of that person, I'm sure someone else's (probably me and you) will never call them again and we don't exist in their lives. I'm sure me and you aren't the only two who have called them on their lies, or avoidance tactics and had them come snooping around at some point later... .Just like I'm sure there are some people who never spoke up and never heard from their ex's again.

In the end I think because these are all individual people you really just have to play it by ear, we all know having tried exhaustively to communicate our needs and why they could/should be giving effort. But in the end unless something triggers them to connect to us. Its really just guessing. As in my case, I was shocked to hear from her again after the initial break. But now I'm less shocked if I never hear from her again having seen with each successive week her getting colder and more indifferent until even seeing each other at a light she acted like she didn't know me.

Bottom line I think people like you and I who broke their backs and got kicked to the curb, need to find solace in that we did it right. We tried are best to bring someone up and yeah we made mistakes, but for the most part those were NORMAL (lets not lose sight of that if someone blows you off for a month or cheats on you and you get mad or say something out of frustration those are normal reactions ) reactions to a bad situation.

I'm grateful I gave a ton, didn't burn a bridge this time around by trying to bring her down to the pain I feel. She's the first girl I've ever done that for (most of the time I go on the attack when I'm hurt with other relationships, burning the chance at all future contact) and she's the one that hurt me the most.

I think you should be proud you were capable of giving so much to him.

[lovethebeach]

I think I became a trigger because I continuously called him on his BS... .our whole relationship... .it's one of the reasons that he said he "loved me." But, it was NEVER to this extent. I caught him in three BIG lies in three weeks and by doing so I became a trigger?

It's a slow process for me, but I do feel myself improving... thanks to this wonderful board and my own sense of self. It's been one month and I finally feel comfortable with the decision. I can honestly say that if he called, I would not get back together. His path is his path and mine is my own. I did everything in my power and more to lead him down a different road. As they say, "I led him to water, but I can't make him drink."

I guess its entirely possible and again they're all different so while someones ex may call them 100 times trying to reconnect and brushes off the trigger aspect of that person, I'm sure someone else's (probably me and you) will never call them again and we don't exist in their lives. I'm sure me and you aren't the only two who have called them on their lies, or avoidance tactics and had them come snooping around at some point later... .Just like I'm sure there are some people who never spoke up and never heard from their ex's again.

In the end I think because these are all individual people you really just have to play it by ear, we all know having tried exhaustively to communicate our needs and why they could/should be giving effort. But in the end unless something triggers them to connect to us. Its really just guessing. As in my case, I was shocked to hear from her again after the initial break. But now I'm less shocked if I never hear from her again having seen with each successive week her getting colder and more indifferent until even seeing each other at a light she acted like she didn't know me.

Bottom line I think people like you and I who broke their backs and got kicked to the curb, need to find solace in that we did it right. We tried are best to bring someone up and yeah we made mistakes, but for the most part those were NORMAL (lets not lose sight of that if someone blows you off for a month or cheats on you and you get mad or say something out of frustration those are normal reactions ) reactions to a bad situation.

I'm grateful I gave a ton, didn't burn a bridge this time around by trying to bring her down to the pain I feel. She's the first girl I've ever done that for (most of the time I go on the attack when I'm hurt with other relationships, burning the chance at all future contact) and she's the one that hurt me the most.

I think you should be proud you were capable of giving so much to him.

I agree. Of course I wasn't perfect but his mistakes (the lying, cheating) far over shadowed mine. Sure, I was frustrated at times... .but WHO WOULDNT BE!

You and me are similar in that regard. I didn't burn the bridge entirely either. After my accident, when he was so cold and distant I texted him and said "I get into a serious car accident and you don't even care what they said or how I am? Whatever." He then proceeded to ask me how I was, but I did not respond. If it wasn't genuine care ... .I didn't want it. Out of human decency, I expected more during that from him ... .its not as if I CHEATED or I LIED... .although, previously, he did try and turn everything back around on me. While some of his complaints were valid, I was just stunned ... .I could have thrown everything back in his face, I just simply apologized for my part and left it at that. He was raging at that point and just screaming through the phone. The rage was new (about a month or so prior to b/u)... .and it was definitely scary.

And I agree! I am proud of how giving I was. In the end, I gave all I had and more ... .far more than anyone I know. I'd like to think one day, in a distant future (when he's unable to sooth himself instantaneously with instant gratification), he'll kick himself for loosing a girl like me... .but I won't be there to help him pick up the pieces. For now, hes trying to prove to himself that he can do EVERYTHING on his own and living without accountability for his actions. I wish him the best of luck, but one day I hope he has the courage to enter therapy and get himself the real help he needs.

It's sad when I think about it. Truly sad. He could've saved himself and I would've supported him through the whole process. Instead, he chose a different path... .he just isn't ready to do the hard work and really look in the mirror just yet.

[Mutt]

It's sad when I think about it. Truly sad. He could've saved himself and I would've supported him through the whole process. Instead, he chose a different path... .he just isn't ready to do the hard work and really look in the mirror just yet.

You're looking at this from a non-disordered perspective and your standards. Tall order for the mentally ill lovethebeach. Cut him some slack.

Have you accepted that he's mentally ill or denial?

[lovethebeach]

Mutt,

He hasn't been officially diagnosed, but I do believe he's mentally ill. I just wish he could've/would've gotten the serious help he needs.

I have cut him slack (thats part of why we were together for so long) and I understand he may never view things as they are. I'm just trying to de-personalize the behavior and gain a better understanding for myself.

How exactly did I become a trigger?

What is your perspective on it all?

[DangIthurts]

It's sad when I think about it. Truly sad. He could've saved himself and I would've supported him through the whole process. Instead, he chose a different path... .he just isn't ready to do the hard work and really look in the mirror just yet.

You're looking at this from a non-disordered perspective and your standards. Tall order for the mentally ill lovethebeach. Cut him some slack.

Have you accepted that he's mentally ill or denial?

I agree. She's looking at it as he actively is aware he has these two choices and is picking the latter.

I'm not even sure how much these BPDs know there is REAL help and change available to them. Mutt, you and I know there is help because we are thinking logically and have good problem solving skills... Most of these especially the ones with childhood issues do not. They throw their hands up or throw a tantrum because the idea of giving something your all, actually committing to something seems to be far more frighting to them than even the avg. non BPD individual.

[lovethebeach]

He definitely has a lot of core childhood trauma and he never finishes anything he starts.

I feel that way because I informed him of the dysfunction and he was in therapy. Then he became aware of his mother's NPD and his "issues."  

I guess I need to change my frame of mind. It wasn't a conscious choice? That's where I'm stuck. He chose to leave the relationship... .

[Mutt]

He definitely has a lot of core childhood trauma and he never finishes anything he starts.

I feel that way because I informed him of the dysfunction and he was in therapy. Then he became aware of his mother's NPD and his "issues."  

I guess I need to change my frame of mind. It wasn't a conscious choice? That's where I'm stuck. He chose to leave the relationship... .

DangIthurts,

For years the pain for me came from not knowing what the problem is because things have to make sense for me. It has to make logical sense and I couldn't figure anything out. Until I heard borderline personality disorder. The logic is in understanding the disorder then everything makes sense.

leavethebeach,

He left the relationship and I'm sorry   My point is, learn a little more. You're a smart woman. My taught me many life lessons. One lesson was that everyone's different and some people, it's difficult for them to communicate. I learned to not take things personal. I also learned that she couldn't meet me halfway as difficult as it is for her, because she is disordered - mentally ill.

He tried in therapy and perhaps he was overwhelmed. I have a parent with narcissistic traits and he caused a lot of real pain for MANY years. I think you may be expecting too much. What does cutting him a little slack look like for you?

[DangIthurts]

He definitely has a lot of core childhood trauma and he never finishes anything he starts.

I feel that way because I informed him of the dysfunction and he was in therapy. Then he became aware of his mother's NPD and his "issues."  

I guess I need to change my frame of mind. It wasn't a conscious choice? That's where I'm stuck. He chose to leave the relationship... .

Re-reading how quick our relationship started and how quickly hers has started with "mr perfect" has helped me actually.

It took 8 days for love you notes to start for me... 10 days to hit a relationship [less for intimacy], I don't know how I didn't catch that when we first started talking, like time flew and I knew it was short but it was VERY short.

This wasn't normal from the get go. Try really to not evaluate his illogical decisions form a logical perspective, because thats all your doing... .You are trying to self asses his decisions that for the most part won't ever make sense, through normal decision making and why he might be doing it. Its not possible you will never get to the bottom of it. I doubt he would even in therapy if a good T asked him why.

I honestly don't know what I'd do or try if I ever heard from mine again... .But I think the best thing you can do is accept that things they will do or say won't ever make sense, and thats just how it is. Shoot I don't know what a relationship would even look like with mine if she came back and I agreed and we got into another bad cycle.

[DangIthurts]

He definitely has a lot of core childhood trauma and he never finishes anything he starts.

I feel that way because I informed him of the dysfunction and he was in therapy. Then he became aware of his mother's NPD and his "issues."  

I guess I need to change my frame of mind. It wasn't a conscious choice? That's where I'm stuck. He chose to leave the relationship... .

DangIthurts,

For years the pain for me came from not knowing what the problem is because things have to make sense for me. It has to make logical sense and I couldn't figure anything out. Until I heard borderline personality disorder. The logic is in understanding the disorder then everything makes sense.

This. This is what caused most of our bad cycles to continue or increase... .I would try to extremes to understand and communicate and listen, and it was met with silence or "Ok" "i understand" and it would only pain me more... .Which again snowballed into my own frustration. Towards the end I'd read about passive aggressive behavior and I'd tried a different approach of instead of getting sad/mad when avoidance tactics were used I said ok love you I'm here... .This was met with new rage that I was trying to be her therapist and she didn't like these changes, and why was I going to change now, and actually I think an increase to try and cause problems due to me changing up... .The bottom line is the more you are able to realize there is a likely hood everything you've done could be twisted and for nothing and accept it. The better you'll be in the long run.

I'm glad aside from the enabler friends who were deadbeats, people saw and know I tried very hard, was loyal, loving and caring, and although its not her that sees that or might ever see it again... .Leaving that impression on her family, and some friends will do for now. 

[Mutt]

This. This is what caused most of our bad cycles to continue or increase... .I would try to extremes to understand and communicate and listen, and it was met with silence or "Ok" "i understand" and it would only pain me more... .

That's my point. My ex has no clue she's sick. I understand now why she does what she does. I'll give an example from this past week. It's my time with the kids and I parallel parent. There's a student led conference at the school this week for S5 and D8. An appointment for an hour for each. I get an email with emotional blackmail and she can't go on my time because I had communicate I wanted to go on separate appointments. Then she acts PA later. I'm detached and by knowing where the behaviors are stemming from. She couldn't communicate to me "Is it OK if I get the kids at daycare and I go on your time Mutt?"

I was met with emotional blackmail and passive aggressiveness. I simply told her it's OK for her to pick up the kids and go and take the kids back then I go after work. I'm not stuck in a perpetual cycle of conflict. I also agree that I'll never understand everything either because my mind is not one that's coming from the POV of a distorted belief system. Once emotionally detached, there's much strength in silence by listening. The cycle decreases and there's no resistance from my behalf because I understand after the r/s. I do admit, it is challenging at times but you have to overlook the emotional immaturity and depersonalize it. I keep records of everything and document, in case of.

lovethebeach. He's likely now aware that he is mentally ill. His reality and perception of the world and interactions with people are very real to him.

[lovethebeach]

Mutt,

I know he's aware now, that's the frustrating part... .he knows!

I know that to him feelings = facts. When he was lashing out at me, that's truly how he felt... .distorted or not, he is still a person. Although it hurts, I'm trying to "radically accept" that it simply is what it is and it was what it was. As I learn more, I understand more.

I have to agree that his family knows how great I was to him... .regardless of what he tells them now. I take comfort in that.

May I ask what you'd do if you were me?

And can you explain what a "trigger" is?

[Mutt]

There's a difference in knowing you have a problem then acting on that problem. Let's say an alcoholic, they may know they have a problem with drinking and it could be cognitive dissonance and denial. In your exes case he has a severe personality disorder with many defense mechanisms to protect the ego. His pain is very painful for him to face, hence he looks to others to take care of him.

Think of it this way lovethebeach, what incentive does he have to work on himself if you're there to clean up and help him?

A trigger from my understanding is when we become a trigger for their pain and trauma through constant conflict by reacting to their emotional immaturity, abusive language etc. I fought and argued back and became a trigger. She doesn't want to feel bad and that's what much of her defense mechanisms are about, offloading bad feelings and behaviors. If I retaliate in anger I eventually became a trigger and she can't cope. She couldn't break dysregulation and come back to her emotional baseline.

[lovethebeach]

So your best piece of advice is to continue to work on myself? Like a drug addict, I suppose I am one less "enabler" and he needs to hit his bottom?

I guess I became a trigger when I kept calling him on his BS and making him feel bad about himself. He knew he shouldn't be doing those things, but could never give a reason as to why.

I heard that he was in a car accident today (all this snow) and it the holidays... .talk about bad timing. If this were a normal break-up, I'd reach out to see how he is. But nothing about this is normal... .

[Mutt]

So your best piece of advice is to continue to work on myself? Like a drug addict, I suppose I am one less "enabler" and he needs to hit his bottom?

Do you really think you can control another person? Do you feel like you're controlling him? You only have control of yourself.

[lovethebeach]

I know. I don't feel like I'm anything any longer because we haven't spoken in three weeks and have been broken up for a month.  Now, he's acting like a child and rebelling or defying boundaries.

Our entire relationship all crumbled in that one month, once I found out about the online account.

I wish it wasn't this way. But it is. Deep down I know I did ALL I could and more, so for me ... .that's going to have to be enough moving forward.

[Mutt]

I know. I don't feel like I'm anything any longer because we haven't spoken in three weeks and have been broken up for a month.  Now, he's acting like a child and rebelling or defying boundaries.

Our entire relationship all crumbled in that one month, once I found out about the online account.

I wish it wasn't this way. But it is. Deep down I know I did ALL I could and more, so for me ... .that's going to have to be enough moving forward.

I'm sorry lovethebeach. There's no magic pill here. Is a relationship where your SO is rebelling like a child a healthy one for you? There's trust issues with him going online. What more can you do than your best?

Take what belongs to you in this relationship. Take what you own and work on it. It's not all for naught and it really takes two. Take that into the next r/s. There's A LOT of lessons here.

[lovethebeach]

It's alright. You got through it, so can I.

It just feels like the majority of the issues were from him... .the lying, the cheating, the lack of trust, the dysfunction and once the reality hit that "his mask was off" he ran and blamed everything on me to make himself feel better.

I'm going to need to work on how I allowed myself to ignore the  . I guess I just wanted to believe him and everything he said... .his potential, not necessarily the reality.

[DangIthurts]

It's alright. You got through it, so can I.

It just feels like the majority of the issues were from him... .the lying, the cheating, the lack of trust, the dysfunction and once the reality hit that "his mask was off" he ran and blamed everything on me to make himself feel better.

I'm going to need to work on how I allowed myself to ignore the  .

But thats who he was as a person. You see before you found this site you couldn't figure it out. Like me, Like mutt pretty much like everyone here you were trying and trying and trying and only now do you see it isn't on you.

The more he is confronted with how he's been living his life the more he will run from the people (however right they may be) shining the light on those places because below the poor decision making, lying, nastiness, PA, etc. Is a very very hurt and damaged person and its easier, however wonderful the life you provided (and trust me I did too, designer ring, nicest car probably within a 30 mile radius BYFAR, all the love and support a normal person could ask for and probably then some) to run and find someone who doesn't approach that core than it is to possibly face it, and not only facing it, but maybe failing to beat it... .

You see once you face it or any obstacle for that matter there is a chance you'll fail, they are already at a disadvantage from facing those things, now you're asking them to open the pandoras box of everything about them and face it... So they run, they lash out they think you're trying to hurt them.

Like I said the pain is probably like mine knowing you could have done it different, knowing the frustration wasn't about you, etc. maybe even like me wanting to give it another shot for that reason thinking you're better than before... .But you can't go back, all you can do is deal with what may come from him or in my case her later or  may never come back.

Which is why I said you did right by him and your family did from what I've read, you should be proud of that and maybe one day it gets to him or maybe it never does.  But I would caution trying to use good logic and decision making to try and understand why he's doing what he is. It just won't work and isn't productive.

[Mutt]

DangItHurts,

I'd also like to add when we apply the same things expecting different results is our own crazy making. My best advice lovethebeach is to change our behaviors.

[DangIthurts]

DangItHurts,

I'd also like to add when we apply the same things expecting different results is our own crazy making. My best advice lovethebeach is to change our behaviors.

Yeah thats the thing, I thought trying 110% = I get 110% but thats forcing... .Its wrong.

You only get what the other person can and will give, and for BPD post honeymoon when you slip up and it ends... .It won't be much

[lovethebeach]

Since him and I are no longer intertwined and no have no reason to be in contact... .there are no behaviors to change. Only the future can be changed. 

I guess I should consider myself lucky to not share children with him.

[Mutt]

Since him and I are no longer intertwined and no have no reason to be in contact... .there are no behaviors to change. Only the future can be changed.  

I guess I should consider myself lucky to not share children with him.

You didn't bring anything to the table? It's all his fault? Your lucky you dodged a bullet? Your smart and as you say: Knowledge is power. I'm disappointed.

“Learn the past, watch the present, and create the future.”