Who's fault is it really?

[BrokenFamily]

I see a lot of people on this page blaming the relationship with their BPDex's for all the problems their lives, I'm guilty of it as well.

As the saying goes it takes two to tango... .

Many of us were unaware of the disorder at first, it came as a shock and we felt wrongfully attacked, humiliated, unloved and abused.

As result the victim mentality and feeling like you are backed in a corner makes you react in defense which often escalates the argument not defusing it.

In the almost 4 years I was with my ex my life was in a constant state of repair. Her temper, rage and false accusations (as well as my reactions) destroyed all we worked so hard to accomplish. It seemed like as soon as we had all the pieces put back together and we saw the light at the end of the tunnel it was another collapse setting us back leaving scars and ruining our dreams.

As painful as the breakup was the vicious cycle had to end we both needed to heal. In my case our lives were hanging by a thread and the actions of my ex (as well as my response) was unhealthy.

I don't want to get off the subject here but I felt the need to give a bit of background to make my point... .(the blame game)

When my ex's disorder created problems that negatively effected our relationship, my job, our home and just about every aspect of our lives I could easily blame her. That being said I'm also to blame because I allowed it to for a very long time. If I had firm boundaries, didn't react negatively and insisted she get the help she needed I wouldn't have been having to constantly be rebuilding my life.

Like many of us now that the relationship is over I'm still depressed, still unmotivated and still wasting away thinking of who and how this all transpired. My life is an even bigger mess but now that she's gone I have no one to blame but myself.

Dealing with this breakup has been devastating, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and much of the time have been paralyzed with fear, depression and sorrow thinking she is still in control and her approval, kindness or good opinions are required for me to pull it all together.

If you don't want to share any responsibility for the havoc your ex caused during the relationship that's fine but at the very least you allowed it.

All of the troubles you have post relationship are your fault and the only one who can fix it is you. 

[CareTaker]

I see a lot of people on this page blaming the relationship with their BPDex's

Of course I will blame her. As a matter of fact if I saw her in the street, I wouldn't even greet her. For what?

She pretended to be something she isn't. I actually fell in love with the fake person. Then realized something is wrong, came across BPD, and tried to fix it!   

That while everyone said RUN... .!

Ok, so I did eventually. But I wasn't going to give up on this woman I loved. But she had changed and the demands just got too many for me. I firmly believed that because of all the problems we had over a 3 year period, actually brought us closer. That it was a good foundation, and that we would always be able to sort problems out in the future. The problem was, I just couldn't keep up. And I became depressed, and vulnerable, and she just piled on the demands and pressure. I had to get out. For my own sanity.

Looking back now, I am disappointed in myself. I saw the red flags, she sold me about the hostile environment she grew up in. The violence which lead to her mom and dad getting divorced and I should have known better.

So yes, I am also to blame. BUT, I tried to fix this. I seriously thought that having that baby and getting married would be the solution to all our problems. That is how messed up my mind was. That would have been the last nail in my coffin. Financially, mentally and physically.

Yes, it takes 2 to tango, but I never in my wildest dreams could imagine that anything like this disorder exists. They should have a tattoo on the forehead which reads:

Handle with care, I am destructive.

[guy4caligirl]

Brokenfamily .

I am with you to a certain degree but remember we all have our unique cases, that's doesn't apply on all of us maybe in your situation I am pretty sure it does and I  feel with you .

On the other hand they think they are  mother Marry and we are the bad people always in conspiracy against them ?

Have you ever had an adult conversation with your ex like you do with others ?

Have she leveled with you ever to go back and do the opposite ?

have you started any argument yourself or she always did ?

Have you cater to her needs all the time ?

Has she ever cater to your needs .

I don't agree with you on that issue but yes it's not half half like in normal relation  it's I think as I rad on here it's 80 /20

Remember you poured your heart in it 100 % and still are , is she ?

[BrokenFamily]

Our stories are very similar Caretaker, she came from a family of abuse, I gave her the world and it still was never enough. I also thought the baby would calm her down but it only made things worse. My point is I should have known better than to allow it to ruin my life, I take blame for having no boundaries and allowing it as long as I did. I'm also taking responsibility for my allowing it to keep me in an unproductive rut when my daughter needs me the most. I'm a very determined and resourceful person who is very successful when I'm not overwhelmed. I needed to write this today to assure myself that it's only me holding myself back from achieving the great things I need to for my daughter and myself. Sorry if it hit a nerve : )

[BrokenFamily]

Brokenfamily .

I am with you to a certain degree but remember we all have our unique cases, that's doesn't apply on all of us maybe in your situation I am pretty sure it does and I  feel with you .

On the other hand they think they are  mother Marry and we are the bad people always in conspiracy against them ?

Have you ever had an adult conversation with your ex like you do with others ?

Have she leveled with you ever to go back and do the opposite ?

have you started any argument yourself or she always did ?

Have you cater to her needs all the time ?

Has she ever cater to your needs .

I don't agree with you on that issue but yes it's not half half like in normal relation  it's I think as I rad on here it's 80 /20


Remember you poured your heart in it 100 % and still are , is she ?

All of the above is dead on guy4caligir, I gave 110% while she slept late, was always in a mood, started every fight and never catered to my needs. My point is I allowed it for so long and it ruined my life. I'm taking the blame because giving it to a damaged soul who can't help herself will do me no good. It's time for me to rebuild, my way of doing that is to take radical individual responsibility and see to it that I never allow it to happen again.

[Recooperating]

Yep, I was a big part of the dysfunction. One good example. My dBPDexbf once took a big ass kitchen knife and threathned to kill hinself over a minor discussion. He first tried to hang himself from the staircasr with a belt. I told him to stop the nonsense and please communicate his emotions. He went ballistic stormed to the kitchen and took the knife. I went for the knife and a huge physicall fight and added drama started and I ended up flying through the room.

I now wonder what would have happened if I just sat down at the kitchen table and stayed calm the whole time just sitting there... .

[CareTaker]

Our stories are very similar Caretaker, she came from a family of abuse, I gave her the world and it still was never enough. I also thought the baby would calm her down but it only made things worse.

Brokenfamily you never hit a nerve. I see the big picture. Now you know why I got depressed. I had a 6th sense telling me not to do that baby thing. It has been telling me for 2 years to let go. But I couldn't. I was addicted. The verbal abuse took it's toll.

I came across something interesting, which I gladly share with you, and others on this forum. It really give food for thought, especially in our situation.

In her book: Co-dependency no more, Melody Beattie makes the following statement. And I  thought about that for some time, and a light just went on.

She says:

We realize woman have souls, and men have feelings.

Now I am not going to go into detail, you can read the book. But my ex never had a soul. She just had feelings. And those feelings changed from day to day and caused all the problems in our relationship.

[Deeno02]

I see a lot of people on this page blaming the relationship with their BPDex's for all the problems their lives, I'm guilty of it as well.

As the saying goes it takes two to tango... .

Many of us were unaware of the disorder at first, it came as a shock and we felt wrongfully attacked, humiliated, unloved and abused.

As result the victim mentality and feeling like you are backed in a corner makes you react in defense which often escalates the argument not defusing it.

In the almost 4 years I was with my ex my life was in a constant state of repair. Her temper, rage and false accusations (as well as my reactions) destroyed all we worked so hard to accomplish. It seemed like as soon as we had all the pieces put back together and we saw the light at the end of the tunnel it was another collapse setting us back leaving scars and ruining our dreams.

As painful as the breakup was the vicious cycle had to end we both needed to heal. In my case our lives were hanging by a thread and the actions of my ex (as well as my response) was unhealthy.

I don't want to get off the subject here but I felt the need to give a bit of background to make my point... .(the blame game)

When my ex's disorder created problems that negatively effected our relationship, my job, our home and just about every aspect of our lives I could easily blame her. That being said I'm also to blame because I allowed it to for a very long time. If I had firm boundaries, didn't react negatively and insisted she get the help she needed I wouldn't have been having to constantly be rebuilding my life.

Like many of us now that the relationship is over I'm still depressed, still unmotivated and still wasting away thinking of who and how this all transpired. My life is an even bigger mess but now that she's gone I have no one to blame but myself.

Dealing with this breakup has been devastating, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and much of the time have been paralyzed with fear, depression and sorrow thinking she is still in control and her approval, kindness or good opinions are required for me to pull it all together.

If you don't want to share any responsibility for the havoc your ex caused during the relationship that's fine but at the very least you allowed it.

All of the troubles you have post relationship are your fault and the only one who can fix it is you. 

Mostly Spot on BF. My problem was zero boundaries. I just took it like a door mat, which is not me at all, especially at work and a military career previously. One of the things Im working on. to back you up, you are right. It does take two. But, in my case, your so quickly overwhelmed by the idealization, you are swept away, another issue Im working on. I seen the flags, knew something was wrong but stayed in it and even increased my particpation in it. Im a realist to know that I own what I own in any relationship. Im not blaming her at all for any pitfalls in my life. Im a master at hiding ___. Folks at work have no idea and only my closest friends, my T and my BPD family know whats up. It was both of us and I do to a degree blame her for not hearing me cry for her help or involving me in helping her. But you are so right, it does indeed take two.

[CareTaker]

started every fight and never catered to my needs. My point is I allowed it for so long

The day you actually can convince yourself, you ready to move on. It is in the mind, don't let your mind control your environment. Your mind is just acting on an impulse, and doesn't like sudden changes. So train your mind to think different. It can be done.

I did a simple thing. Instead of getting up, having a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed then having breakfast, I now get up, brush my teeth, have breakfast, take my shower, get dressed and brush my teeth again.

What I am saying is, change direction so your mind has to adjust to the current pattern.

Do that at work, start shopping from the other end of the shop, when you at home in the evenings, every where. Do a complete new routine.

Then tell me in 2 weeks I was wrong.

[BrokenFamily]

You da man Deeno! Don't get me wrong I blame her, we had a great life and she pissed it all away. My point is I blame myself for allowing it for so long. It really messed my entire life up, my house was up for sheriffs auction, I lost two jobs and my whole life went to s**t. My fault for thinking love would pull us through... .

[Deeno02]

You da man Deeno! Don't get me wrong I blame her, we had a great life and she pissed it all away. My point is I blame myself for allowing it for so long. It really messed my entire life up, my house was up for sheriffs auction, I lost two jobs and my whole life went to s**t. My fault for thinking love would pull us through... .

Yeah, my biggest thing with all this is that I didnt seem to matter. Its like I didnt exist. Thats ok though, because I knew I made a difference with her kids and I will forever be thankful for that.

[billypilgrim]

I share Deeno's and Caretaker's sentiments.  I blame her.  I absolutely blame her.  I realize that I am culpable in this, to an extent.  I enabled/tolerated behavior I do not tolerate in any other aspect of my life.  I noticed the flags early on - I even asked her about it.  But she had an excuse for everything.  The revisiting of old flings, the broken home/absent father, the "abusive" relationships, etc. - there was always a reason.  And I started making excuses for her behavior to friends and family.   I did all of this because she was all over me and I loved it.  I get that I probably have some internal issues that need to be sorted out with my ability to accept love but I truly believe that I was and am the best thing that's ever walked into her life.  I asked for nothing in return - I know better now - and got chewed up and spit out.  I caved to everything, moving in, engagement, giant wedding, new house, new car, next trip/vacation, and I had just recently convinced myself that she was right about starting a family.   That was the next thing thing that would make everything better for her.  I'm so fortunate she left before we got that far.   Each time a new proposition came up I had my doubts.  I had my initial reservations but I always talked myself down and onto her side because we had to be the same.  We had to be enmeshed.  In her last e-mail to me she made it clear how important enmeshment was to her, she said something like "I feel like we are two separate people living under one roof when what I want in a relationship is an entwinement of souls."  Or something Nicholas Sparksy like that.  I kept thinking, aren't we supposed to be two people living under one roof?  Aren't we supposed to have 2 identities?  I made myself crazy trying to decipher her nonsense.

Basically for me it boils down to this.  It is very hard for me to take the majority blame for how this played out.  I gave and gave and gave.  She took and took and took until I was exhausted and had nothing else to give.  Instead of realizing that I was finally in a state of needing from her emotionally, she bounced.  Pretty pathetic, all things considered.

   

[Mutt]

That being said I'm also to blame because I allowed it to for a very long time. If I had firm boundaries, didn't react negatively and insisted she get the help she needed I wouldn't have been having to constantly be rebuilding my life.

I agree. I was angry when she left and the affair came out. I didn't blame her.

If you don't want to share any responsibility for the havoc your ex caused during the relationship that's fine but at the very least you allowed it.

It takes two and I had my share in the dysfunction.

My ex left in '13.

Back in '10 I went to court for false DV charges. As I was sitting in court with my lawyer he looked back. She was sitting on a chair on the back wall. I couldn't understand why she would chance the father of her children to go to jail. Her means of support.

My L said "What do you see in her? Why are you with her?". He couldn't understand the story I told him in his office.

I felt uncomfortable with the answer and I honestly couldn't give him an answer. I retorted "Because I love her?".

It wasn't a healthy love.

I can't blame my ex for my half of the r/s. The writing was on the wall and I was in denial. I was trying to do the same things expecting different results. Crazy making behaviors on my part. I kept wanting her to change and not myself and it was arrogance on my behalf.

The thought of blaming her didn't come to mind post-break up. I thought there's a lot of BIG lessons to learn here. Take what I own, process it, learn from it and move forward with it. I'm happy that I did the work.

From my personal experience and everyone's experience and circumstances are different.  It took a difficult personality disorder for me to stop hitting the snooze button and wake up. In this process, I found out what twisted thinking I had and dysfunctional behaviors. Something I may of missed, if I was busy pointing fingers.

[guy4caligirl]

I have never laid a hand on her, it's  against my nature I am a peaceful person, I did not only got verbal abuse she kicked in the ribs  with her pointy just because I said I don't have enough money to buy your meds today . high heal broke a vase on my head ended up in jail for one night , broke tables chairs  threw 2 laptops in the water , and broke my last brand new one and more ... .

Absolutely not DO not blame yourself most of us on here are victims of abuse because we are good hearted people .

Period.

[Mutt]

Absolutely not DO not blame yourself most of us on here are victims of abuse because we are good hearted people .

Period.

Speak for yourself. I'm a survivor and not a victim and never thought I was. I never blamed myself either. It is what it is.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I have never laid a hand on her, it's  against my nature I am a peaceful person, I did not only got verbal abuse she kicked in the ribs  with her pointy just because I said I don't have enough money to buy your meds today . high heal broke a vase on my head ended up in jail for one night , broke tables chairs  threw 2 laptops in the water , and broke my last brand new one and more ... .

Absolutely not DO not blame yourself most of us on here are victims of abuse because we are good hearted people .

Period.

That's some pretty messed up stuff. I think, people don't call us victims because the majority of us are men and the majority of Borderlines are women. They call battered women "domestic violence victims", but you're just some guy who let it happen... .I do think it's important to never put up with this crap again, however you need to view it to empower yourself. So like Mutt said, it might be healthier to view ourselves as survivors. But to me, you have been abused, straight up. Not all of us even know what the hell was happening. I was basically in a 13 year stupor of psychological abuse. I didn't even know what was going on. Never again though, never again will I let this happen. Also, we do need to put effort into resolving our issues, we are not healthy people or we wouldn't have put up with it.