Need advice on reengaging dBPDxgf

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello BPD family,

  I have gone through a break up with my dBPDxgf this year.  We share a lease, she left the house for two months but continued to pay her share of the bills.  This past week she moved back home as her rebound fling failed.  Despite all the drama I still care about this woman and after much consideration have decided to try and reconcile with her.  She has been staying in the spare bedroom since returning self soothing in her "bubble."

  Now I know many would advise against my choice but this is something I have to attempt to settle down my heart.

  My question is given the nature of BPD, what would be the best approach to asking her about her feelings on the matter.  My plan so far is to go ahead and address two things:

1)Are you planning on staying? (Our lease ends in January)

2)How do you feel about us?

Any advice on if this is an appropriate approach to dealing with someone with BPD traits is appreciated. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

Hello BPD family,

  I have gone through a break up with my dBPDxgf this year.  We share a lease, she left the house for two months but continued to pay her share of the bills.  This past week she moved back home as her rebound fling failed.  Despite all the drama I still care about this woman and after much consideration have decided to try and reconcile with her.  She has been staying in the spare bedroom since returning self soothing in her "bubble."

  Now I know many would advise against my choice but this is something I have to attempt to settle down my heart.

  My question is given the nature of BPD, what would be the best approach to asking her about her feelings on the matter.  My plan so far is to go ahead and address two things:

1)Are you planning on staying? (Our lease ends in January)

2)How do you feel about us?

Any advice on if this is an appropriate approach to dealing with someone with BPD traits is appreciated. Thank you.

I feel it is.  IME, her answer will be in accordance to how she is feeling in the moment could change weekly, daily, or by the hour.

[maxsterling]

I agree with bruceli.  In addition to thinking about how to approach her, think about whether her answer (whatever it is) truly means anything or is just a reflection of how she feels at the moment.  My guess is right now she doesn't know what she wants or who she wants (I think most pwBPD spend much of their lives in that state).  So if she says, "yes, I want to stay, and be with you," it could be simply because in that moment she didn't know what her other options were and that she is lonely. 

Given that reality of BPD, I think I would approach it by first stating that you enjoy having her around again.  I would bring that up several times in different ways over several days, and try and watch her reaction.  Her reaction would determine where you go from there.  If she reacts coldly - maybe time to re-think your plans.  If she reciprocates that she enjoys being there, then move forward, remind her the lease is up in January, and ask her if she would like to stay longer.  I think her reaction to these conversations should tell you whether your second question (about rekindling the r/s) is warranted. 

But be warned about putting too much on her plate at once.  My experience is that pwBPD cannot make decisions easily, and overloading them with decisions is a likely disaster.  She did just go through a breakup, and probably feels down.  If you approach too strongly, she may resent the pressure. 

[bruceli]

I agree with bruceli.  In addition to thinking about how to approach her, think about whether her answer (whatever it is) truly means anything or is just a reflection of how she feels at the moment.  My guess is right now she doesn't know what she wants or who she wants (I think most pwBPD spend much of their lives in that state).  So if she says, "yes, I want to stay, and be with you," it could be simply because in that moment she didn't know what her other options were and that she is lonely. 

Given that reality of BPD, I think I would approach it by first stating that you enjoy having her around again.  I would bring that up several times in different ways over several days, and try and watch her reaction.  Her reaction would determine where you go from there.  If she reacts coldly - maybe time to re-think your plans.  If she reciprocates that she enjoys being there, then move forward, remind her the lease is up in January, and ask her if she would like to stay longer.  I think her reaction to these conversations should tell you whether your second question (about rekindling the r/s) is warranted. 

But be warned about putting too much on her plate at once.  My experience is that pwBPD cannot make decisions easily, and overloading them with decisions is a likely disaster.  She did just go through a breakup, and probably feels down.  If you approach too strongly, she may resent the pressure. 

Very well put.  I have learned to always have a plan B, C and D.

[maxsterling]

Very well put.  I have learned to always have a plan B, C and D.

Probably good in all relationships, but especially in those involving a pwBPD.  I don't advise basing what you want to do in life on another's persons wishes or decisions, but considering the black/white chaos of a BPD relationship, I think this is especially true.  It was one of the big personal breakthroughs that kept me staying - recognizing that what I want in my relationship is independent of what she wants, and that I will have to be okay with myself no matter what she decides to do.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thank you both for the advice!  I agree that the skillsets and methods in dealing with a pwBPD are useful in general but especially so when dealing with a volatile personality.  I will see how telling her it is nice to have her company goes.  I do feel that she is still teetering on the edge of dysregulation so I agree how important it is not to put pressure on her with lots of decisions.  At this point I will let her have thanksgiving and start gauging her reactions to being welcomed this weekend.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Well I am taking a slow and steady approach, taking care to not put pressure on her.  I let her know on Thanksgiving over text (she was eating seperately) how much I aporeciated having her in my life.  When she got back home that evening she was very energetic and actually sat down to talk for nearly an hour.

  This morning she ask me to join her in Christmas shopping so we spent about 7 hours out and about without incident.  Before we returned home I ask her, ":)o you plan on staying past January?"  She though for a second and said probably.  After another pause she said, Yes I'll stay longer.   At that point I left it alone.  I can tell she is still unsure, I think she is still busy processing whatever internal struggles are going on.

  When we got home I let her know that I enjoyed having her company all day.  She said, "You are welcome!  Thank you for clearing the way through crowds!"

  So I think there might be slight progress.  I will continue to reinforce to her that having her around is wanted before I ask about her feelings on reconcilliation.

[maxsterling]

Wow, progress indeed!  Frankly, I don't think you could have expected a warmer response.