BPD EX GF pregnant. Need help.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex girlfriend came back into my life at the end of September. After months of not talking to me she out of the blue agreed to meet up and spend a night together drama free. Because the night went smoothly I decided to take it slow but reopen the possibility of being together. We spent a few nights together but the lies and arguments started back up almost immediately. I told her that despite really wanting to it did not seem like it would work. The day after I called a quits for good she asked if she could come over she had something important to tell me. I knew right away what it was. She told me she was pregnant and I asked her to take a test at my house. It came back positive. Even standing outside the bathroom I was still skeptical because we always thought it would've happened by now since we dated for 3 years and had sex multiple times a day and never once took precautions after the first year (her brother is sterile i assumed it was probably the same for her). I didn't react right away only saying that I would support any decision that she wanted. Now she is threatening that basically I be with her or she will keep the kid from me. I have a son currently in another state from when I was very young in which the mother pulled that same thing and has pretty much succeeded due to my financial inability to fight her. This situation has brought out so much rage in my current ex throughout our relationship and she also says that the two would never meet and that my first son is trash and other horrible things. On top of the stress of knowing how difficult co parenting would be, I also fear that there's a good chance it is not mine because of how quickly it happened and the perfect timing. Of course she was appauled that I said I wanted a paternity test. Now I am just stressed out on how to handle things until I am able to get a non invasive test done. If it is my child I want to at least be cordial and loving co parents but she does not seem to be up to it. I also fear because of this the child will be the one who suffers greatly. I know I was an idiot in not taking precautions but until this year I had never even heard of BPD. I could use any advice. I wouldn't even rule out trying to make it work with her if it wasn't for her seemingly effortless ability to come and go without the kid let alone having to have a kid deal with having a seemingly normal home only to be ripped away in the middle of the night.

[John55434]

My BPD ex girlfriend came back into my life at the end of September. After months of not talking to me she out of the blue agreed to meet up and spend a night together drama free. Because the night went smoothly I decided to take it slow but reopen the possibility of being together. We spent a few nights together but the lies and arguments started back up almost immediately. I told her that despite really wanting to it did not seem like it would work. The day after I called a quits for good she asked if she could come over she had something important to tell me. I knew right away what it was. She told me she was pregnant and I asked her to take a test at my house. It came back positive. Even standing outside the bathroom I was still skeptical because we always thought it would've happened by now since we dated for 3 years and had sex multiple times a day and never once took precautions after the first year (her brother is sterile i assumed it was probably the same for her). I didn't react right away only saying that I would support any decision that she wanted. Now she is threatening that basically I be with her or she will keep the kid from me. I have a son currently in another state from when I was very young in which the mother pulled that same thing and has pretty much succeeded due to my financial inability to fight her. This situation has brought out so much rage in my current ex throughout our relationship and she also says that the two would never meet and that my first son is trash and other horrible things. On top of the stress of knowing how difficult co parenting would be, I also fear that there's a good chance it is not mine because of how quickly it happened and the perfect timing. Of course she was appauled that I said I wanted a paternity test. Now I am just stressed out on how to handle things until I am able to get a non invasive test done. If it is my child I want to at least be cordial and loving co parents but she does not seem to be up to it. I also fear because of this the child will be the one who suffers greatly. I know I was an idiot in not taking precautions but until this year I had never even heard of BPD. I could use any advice. I wouldn't even rule out trying to make it work with her if it wasn't for her seemingly effortless ability to come and go without the kid let alone having to have a kid deal with having a seemingly normal home only to be ripped away in the middle of the night.

[SickofMe]

This sounds like a pretty awful situation.  Interestingly, my BF found himself in the same mess with his last GF.

I will be blunt:  I think the very first thing you will need to do is accept some responsibility for the situation.  You clearly didn't want a child with this woman, but made an assumption that she was sterile, which doesn't seem very logical.

If you get caught up in blaming her for this and seeing yourself as a victim, you won't make a lot of progress in accepting and dealing with the situation.

There is a child at stake, after all.

[John55434]

You are right. Part of the conflict I feel is that I won't know if it truly is mine, at least for a couple of weeks. In the meantime I have offered to go to counseling with her but she responds with that will never change how she feels about my first child ever being in her child's life and claims that her child will not feel special because he/she will not be my first. My biggest struggle is trying to convince her I am capable of loving more than one person. She can be pretty relentless in attempting to trigger me as she knows me pretty well. I know it was dumb to assume she was sterile but it was something she would say constantly and I did truly believe it (before the problems arose we tried so often). I keep trying to assure her that I am here for her to talk with, take her to appointments, and raise a child but that our issues have extended past the point of me having the answers and that I don't want to revisit our relationship problems without a professional. I also have diagnosed PTSD and know the effects it has on the relationship, but I have sought help and it has worked for me so I am a believer in fixing issues if you are committed to it. I have tried to lead by example but am starting to feel exhausted, depressed, irritated, and at my wits end on ways to communicate to her. I also know that if I continue on this path I will certainly revert back to getting caught up in the cycle and hurting the situations farther rather than helping. Like in terms of the paternity test I told her that she knew how I felt about them since she met me and it is was one the few rights given to men regarding the birth of there child. I have always said that I would have one regardless of my relationship status including being married because it is such a simple process and there is no reason not to have one. Even asking for one sets her off. She will say things like "fine you can have one but then you will never see either of us again!"