Need help. ex left me to go back to her ex.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  This is just confusing to me. when me and my ex got together she had just broken up with her girlfriend . everything was amazing . one day she was gone she went back to her ex. she told me she had to give her one last chance. at this time I was hurt, but was not so bad that I could not move on .  she came back after six months this is when I learned about BPD, NPD we went thru hell. She continued to talk to her ex the whole time we were together . she would go over to her house . when they were getting along I was painted black and then they werent fighting I was painted white again. this is when I went thru the lower levels of hell. mental hospital, physical abuse by her son, emotional abuse, gas lighting by her and her son. she told me that she would leave because she wanted to be alone. well that was a lie she move in with the ex girlfriend again. I did not here from her for a year and half. I was doing great , I was working on myself, I felt I was doing good in my life.  my ex and her girlfriend  put her son was in jail. and I was still very much addicted to her. so I let her back into my life.

  this time she did everything right in the beginning . then of course the push and pull started. but she was not seeing the ex girlfriend this time . so it was not that bad . she would talk about getting her own place. which if that is what she wanted then go for it. she would tell me that she 40 years old and has nothing. (which never made sense to me because she had a home, a car ,furniture just like everybody else when we were in a relationship . it might have been mine but I never treated it like that. ) so the running started again . and she moved out because of me . I told her to leave. she did something that I was not going to take again.

so I found out last night that she went back to her ex again.

what is it about always going back to the ex? she never had anything nice to say about her. she told me how she did not love her anymore. I know why I took her back . I was so addicted to her . my mother was just like her and she passed away when I was 12. I was used to the abuse . why do they do this? why do they just keep going back to the ex that they left? she hates to date but my goodness. I fell back for the ex also, so I guess I get it, but damn. this girl has gone back so many times you think she would learn her lesson. im moving on with my life now, and I feel she just keeps going backwards. Why do they always go back to the ex? Is it because they haven't learned their lesson, for comfort, or just because they cant be alone? this is the piece of the puzzle I cant put together. any comments, suggestions, websites to look at would help so much... .this has lowered my self esteem and I know its not me, I was the best girlfriend I could be.

[ajr5679]

  This is just confusing to me. when me and my ex got together she had just broken up with her girlfriend . everything was amazing . one day she was gone she went back to her ex. she told me she had to give her one last chance. at this time I was hurt, but was not so bad that I could not move on .  she came back after six months this is when I learned about BPD, NPD we went thru hell. She continued to talk to her ex the whole time we were together . she would go over to her house . when they were getting along I was painted black and then they werent fighting I was painted white again. this is when I went thru the lower levels of hell. mental hospital, physical abuse by her son, emotional abuse, gas lighting by her and her son. she told me that she would leave because she wanted to be alone. well that was a lie she move in with the ex girlfriend again. I did not here from her for a year and half. I was doing great , I was working on myself, I felt I was doing good in my life.  my ex and her girlfriend  put her son was in jail. and I was still very much addicted to her. so I let her back into my life.

  this time she did everything right in the beginning . then of course the push and pull started. but she was not seeing the ex girlfriend this time . so it was not that bad . she would talk about getting her own place. which if that is what she wanted then go for it. she would tell me that she 40 years old and has nothing. (which never made sense to me because she had a home, a car ,furniture just like everybody else when we were in a relationship . it might have been mine but I never treated it like that. ) so the running started again . and she moved out because of me . I told her to leave. she did something that I was not going to take again.

so I found out last night that she went back to her ex again.

what is it about always going back to the ex? she never had anything nice to say about her. she told me how she did not love her anymore. I know why I took her back . I was so addicted to her . my mother was just like her and she passed away when I was 12. I was used to the abuse . why do they do this? why do they just keep going back to the ex that they left? she hates to date but my goodness. I fell back for the ex also, so I guess I get it, but damn. this girl has gone back so many times you think she would learn her lesson. im moving on with my life now, and I feel she just keeps going backwards. Why do they always go back to the ex? Is it because they haven't learned their lesson, for comfort, or just because they cant be alone? this is the piece of the puzzle I cant put together. any comments, suggestions, websites to look at would help so much... .this has lowered my self esteem and I know its not me, I was the best girlfriend I could be.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think it's great when our hearts are so strong for someone. But you've gotta face facts. Untreated BPD and relationships do not work, period. I honestly have never heard of a person making it work. Even treated... .it's a long shot. And besides that you're sacrificing all of your respect, you're getting abused and thrown away. They honestly want to be with most of their exes at one point or another. But in your case, it sounds like she can't be with or without either of you. She probably bashes you to her, and you said she bashes her ex when she gets with you. It's pure madness. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really do feel sorry that you'd been put through this. But you've gotta be the one to get fed up and end the cycle, because she'll just go on doing her whimsical crap.

[ajr5679]

thank you for responding. you are very wright. I wont ever go back, but I am still trying to put my puzzle together on how we want them back after the abuse. it is all just crazy and I should not even care.

[enlighten me]

Ive also wondered why we still want them.

I yhink a number of things are at play here.

Firstly because the honeymoon was so intense we released a lot of oxytocin the bonding hormone. Their behaviour carried on triggering this forming a kind of addiction.

Secondly they appealed to our inner most desires as they appeared to be the dream we have always sought.

thirdly we are fixers and believed we could help them get better and protect them.

Finally our egos cant make sense of how we were once thought of so highly and now appear to be worthless.

What doesnt help is that we were in such a confusing situation that our minds didnt get a chance to make sense of things.

[ajr5679]

maybe it comes down to a trama bond ?