close relationship with BPD, So hard :(

[mika]

Hi,  i joined the forum because I wanna know more about how patients w BPD thinks

my close friend is suffering from BPD and NPD and I don't really know how to communicate to him. I'd like to find out more

[Kwamina]

Hi Mika

Welcome to bpdfamily  BPD can be quite a challenging disorder. When it comes to dealing with BPD, knowledge truly is power so I'm glad you've come here.

Could you tell us a bit more about your relationship with this person in your life who you say is suffering from both BPD and NPD? Has this person been officially diagnosed with a personality disorder?

And could you also tell us a bit more about the specific behaviors of your friend that you find most difficult to deal with it?

[mika]

To be more specific, as i said, my friend has BPD and NPD. He's been diagnosed for both conditions but is told to be "high functioning". He's not taking any medications but he's done some CBT's and had a dozen sessions with his psychiatrist. I tried to find out more about these illnesses ever since he told me and now i know a lot more about them than I did before.

So my friend has cheated three times during his relationship for the last several years I've know him.

He has alcohol issues, although he wouldn't admit, as well as drug abuse issues.

I don't cheat and I don't do drugs nor alcohol, I'm not even a "social drinker".  

He started with "introductory" or "light" drug at first, but now he's been doing some "moderate" drugs and I feel so bad that he did because I told him my concerns about our friendship together if he continues to do these kind of behaviour.

I always told him that he should stop and if he screws up, I tell him it's okay just don't repeat the same mistake.

He says that he's been doing better, which I don't agree because he started on another drug and has cheated on his girlfriend.

He treats his girlfriend okay to her face, but when he's with me he complains how much of a dummy she is, that she doesn't understand him, and looks forward to his next girlfriend who can finally make him happy. The girl is so nice to my friend, she even plans her future with him while my friend is determined to not to marry her but doesn't tell her so.

I told him so many times to stop wasting his girlfriend's time, just tell her straight out that he isn't sure about their future together, so that the girlfriend at least gets to choose whether or not to stick around.

But his excuse is that if he does that, she'd leave. He just doesn't understand that he's completely wasting her time.

I don't really see a point in his continuing of this relationship if he just uses her to fill in the gap between now and until he finds the perfect girl. it's just so selfish.Then he cheated on his girlfriend by kissing some other girl he knows.

At this point, I got furious because it seems like he doesn't even TRY to get better. He always says that he wants to get better, never cheat, never drink, and never do drugs again EVERY TIME but he always ends up doing the same thing.

I cancelled my upcoming plan with him because he was mad AT ME for being so judgemental. I told him it's not my intention to be judgemental, but I'm trying to help him by letting him know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable even by his best friend, me.

He just keeps saying that if i'm truly his friend, I should help him by being supportive of him.

I just can't be supportive of his actions anymore and I don't know what to do to tell him that I want to help.

I have been very supportive of his actions, not in terms of encouraging to continue them, but in terms of comforting him and telling him that it's okay. He always has a lot of "friends" who willingly cheers for him and backs up his behaviours, and he says that it helps, but obviously it doesn't because it doesn't stop him from doing things that he does.

I just think telling him it's okay to do things and regret as long as he regrets isn't helping him with his conditions and that he needs someone to tell him straight up that it's not acceptable.

How do I do this without him thinking that I'm so judgemental and doesn't even understand him?

I told him all these things I've said above, but he's still mad at me for it  I want him to understand WHY I'm being so harsh

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the extra information mika.

I just think telling him it's okay to do things and regret as long as he regrets isn't helping him with his conditions and that he needs someone to tell him straight up that it's not acceptable.

How do I do this without him thinking that I'm so judgemental and doesn't even understand him?

I told him all these things I've said above, but he's still mad at me for it  I want him to understand WHY I'm being so harsh

We have information on here about several communication techniques that can be quite helpful when interacting with people who have a personality disorder. I suggest you take a look at them:

Validation

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support Empathy and Truth. The end goal is to tell the person the truth about their behavior and the 'support' and 'empathy' components are used to increase the likelihood of getting through to someone so they'll be less defensive and more susceptible to hearing and possibly accepting your truth. Perhaps this is something that will help you with your friend.

[mika]

Yeah, I tried to talk to him like in the articles mentioned above.

I told him that it must be really hard to suffer from such illness and to feel horrible for himself for doing things he wouldn't usually do but he really shouldn't do it again.

He understood that and always blames himself and swears to be a better person by fighting off the urges to do certain things.

But it's back to zero every time. The next day, he would go back to do things that he swore not to do.

I just don't think me being so supportive has helped him and I want to let him know that things he does endangers everyone around him and not just himself or his gf.

I don't see him actually TRYING to get better because If he did, he wouldn't have cheated and he wouldn't have moved from "fun" drug to more "serious" drug.

I don't know how to get him to understand that me pointing out that him DOING nasty things to other people doesn't necessarily mean that I'm being judgemental and calling HIM a nasty being. He's right now also doesn't get why I'm mad at him when I'm not the person, like his gf, who's actually involved in the situation. I'm telling him that no matter how nice he is to me, it won't refrain me from being uncomfortable at the way he treats others but he simply doesn't seem to get it.

He's just avoiding all conversation with me and is saying that he feels cheated because I'm not a friend who he thought I was. I just don't know what to say to get him to realize what I'm trying to get at.

[SlyQQ]

Firstly what people say an what they do can be COMPLETELY different you an he need to judge by actions not words otherwise you just end up enabling the behaviour he will have yodancing so many circles you wont know where you are Secondly they dont recover you basically have to convince them there current course of action is DETRIMENTAL to THEM an they have to change it this is the main battle. Thirdly one of the main avenues here is shame ( NOT guilt ) they understand this because hiding there actions ( shame ) is what enables them to continue there current actions if people realize what they are doing they realize to a large extent they wont be able to continue doing so hence the hiding / shame hope this helps

[SlyQQ]

Just to clarify therapy etc can be used to stop the shame ( I am in therapy so i am trying etc) an fool people ( the goal ) unless there is real engagement it is just another way to continue on doing the same with smokescreen an excuse