Let's say for those still hurting the loss what if she text & want you back?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What would that be like , she regrets she made a huge mistake and want to reconcile

What reaction you would have ?

[guy4caligirl]

What would that be like , she regrets she made a huge mistake and want to reconcile

What reaction you would have ?

[Mutt]

What would that be like , she regrets she made a huge mistake and want to reconcile

What reaction you would have ?

I would have no response as I'm passed that. I'm emotionally detached. I'm not interested and I'm not obligated to give an answer.

I think a better question for you. Are you playing devil's advocate?

Did you get a text?

[FrenchConnection]

Mine made contact with me about 3 weeks after I went no contact.  She sent a text from her mother's phone asking me to send back something of hers.  Then 4 days later i received a text from her daughter who is 15.  She played it off saying she and her "mother" (my exBPDgf) were in trouble and may need my help.  Then the next night i received a text from my exBPDgf directly saying she may need my help because of trouble with one of her old ex husbands.  It was then i called her and she confessed that it was her who sent the other text messages from her mother's phone and daughter's phone. 

Long story short:  we talked for 3 nights on the phone.  Small conversations.  She basically was "feeling" me out to see if i still loved her.  I dropped the bomb on her that i believe she has BPD and told her she needed to seek help.  She told me i was the one with the problems in the relationship and we stopped talking after that.

Basically i have set one very clear boundary for her:  Accept that you have emotional and BPD trait problems and seek the help necessary to get yourself healthy.  Otherwise, i will not allow her back into my life.

I'm protecting me and moving on.  I am not waiting on a miracle for her to get better.   It is not enough for me if she apologizes (something she never did once during our relationship).  She needs to get help and do it for herself.  Not for me.

It's the only healthy decision for both her and me.  I want her to live a happy, love-filled life.  The only way she can do that is to take responsibility for her own life and actions.  Otherwise, i feel it will only be a trap to pull me back in.

[enlighten me]

I can tell you what I did and what I will do next time.

my ex wife dumped me got a replacement and then 3 month later saod those exact words and asked if we could give our marriage another go. Foolishly I said yes. One month later when I went back to work she dumped me again and started divorce proceedings. Twelve days after dumping me her new replacement that she met online came to visit her.

I was just being used as a safety net until she had reeled in the replacement.

If either of my exs said it now my response would be. Why would i want to be with someone i cannot trust and that has hurt me as much as you have.

[guy4caligirl]

no I did not .

My case a little different than most that's why you see contradictions .She did not suddenly moved out we both had had it and I asked her to leave many times it took a year for her to let go ,and we both did not want to let go ,when the time was right she left but did not want to but when she got to her destination she stayed a no way to return as she stated many times but I see regrets but she isn't showing it to me I knew and she does she have an illness , and yes I am still willing if she comes back for her to  get treatments , but I doubt it it's just hope to get me through I know I will be fine either way .

Thanks mutt .

[Mutt]

no I did not .

My case a little different than most that's why you see contradictions .She did not suddenly moved out we both had had it and I asked her to leave many times it took a year for her to let go ,and we both did not want to let go ,when the time was right she left but did not want to but when she got to her destination she stayed a no way to return as she stated many times but I see regrets but she isn't showing it to me I knew and she does she have an illness , and yes I am still willing if she comes back for her to  get treatments , but I doubt it it's just hope to get me through I know I will be fine either way .

Thanks mutt .

Hi guy4caligirl,

enlighten me has a really good point and I'm also sorry to hear that enlighten me, that's tough. It doesn't sound like she has an attachment guy4caligirl or maybe I have it wrong?

She showed you she regrets a little? What if I said it's very hard for her to communicate and meet you halfway? Is that something that you can come to accept? Set the bar a little lower and take away what she gave you now?

[DangIthurts]

I'd go . We'll see what I say in a few months. Mine is with "perfect" replacement I think it'll take at least 3 months before the mask comes off but who knows. Hopefully by then I'm not in the same place mentally as far as taking back is concerned.

I don't really think she will anyways she seems like a runner, so this is merely speculating.

[seeking balance]

no I did not .

My case a little different than most that's why you see contradictions .She did not suddenly moved out we both had had it and I asked her to leave many times it took a year for her to let go ,and we both did not want to let go ,when the time was right she left but did not want to but when she got to her destination she stayed a no way to return as she stated many times but I see regrets but she isn't showing it to me I knew and she does she have an illness , and yes I am still willing if she comes back for her to  get treatments , but I doubt it it's just hope to get me through I know I will be fine either way .

Thanks mutt .

Guy,

I found it really helpful when I could identify my own thought processes and where it fell in the detachment & grief phases.

Looking to the right - where does this thought process fall in 5 stages of detachment phase?

Acknowledgment, Self-Inquiry, Processing, Creative Action, Freedom

Now, where do you see this question in the grief wheel?

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Best,

SB

[harbour]

I just hope that I would be strong enough to resist. I broke up with him two days ago. First time, and my plan is that it is the last time. I know that I made the right decision. I don't want to destroy myself. And I don't believe in miracles. But I am also aware that I might not be aware enough of the danger and the traps. I don't like that I hope he doesn't text me, and at the same time I am disappointed there has been no reaction from him at all. And I don't like that I am thinking and worrying a lot about how he feels. But that's how it is. Still, I believe that I would not go back. 

[guy4caligirl]

no I did not .

My case a little different than most that's why you see contradictions .She did not suddenly moved out we both had had it and I asked her to leave many times it took a year for her to let go ,and we both did not want to let go ,when the time was right she left but did not want to but when she got to her destination she stayed a no way to return as she stated many times but I see regrets but she isn't showing it to me I knew and she does she have an illness , and yes I am still willing if she comes back for her to  get treatments , but I doubt it it's just hope to get me through I know I will be fine either way .

Thanks mutt .

htt


I am in the freedom section , I am not hurting anymore , I have hope and I never let her destroy me or my self esteem . I don't give easy she is aware of that , I just want make sure she gets treatment with me or without me she has no one that really cares her folks "Ah se will make it " I feel that I failed if I don't get her to get some help with her issues .

Guy,

I found it really helpful when I could identify my own thought processes and where it fell in the detachment & grief phases.

Looking to the right - where does this thought process fall in 5 stages of detachment phase?

Acknowledgment, Self-Inquiry, Processing, Creative Action, Freedom

Now, where do you see this question in the grief wheel?

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Best,

SB

[mitchell16]

mine has been texting, calling, sending emails ever since she found out I started dating again. Prior to that she could careless what I was doing. once she heard that i was seeing someone and was happy. Thats when she started. I see her and it for whats it worth, which is nothing. all she wants me to do is give my happiness, go back with her, and then she can dump me flat on my butt. Been there and done that with her before. The last time we had been split, it was for almost a year. I didnt date anybody all i did was sit home and wait on her and work two jobs. towards the end of the year I went on a a couple of date and one fo ehr freinds saw me out with a lady. Her comes my ex in full force. all the promises, Im sorry, Ive seen what i did wrong. I went back and with in about 7 weeks, the lying started, the raging, out of control drinking start right back. So I would stand strong and walk away. I have and Im a much happier person for it.

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you all for your comments . That's why I ask some sharp edge question , I want some answers , it helps me and all our friends members

Thanks again . May all of us recover well !

[enlighten me]

Guy what you have to remember is they are creatures of habit. They may have feelings for usvand they may regret their actions but they will always fall back to their old ways.

They are driven by emotions which we cannot comprehend. Add to that you have to take your feelings into account. Will you ever trust her? Can yoube who you were when you first met or would you be on your guard constantly? I know when my ex wife recycled I was different with her. I was on edge and paranoid.

If my exs tried to recycle me I would take pleasure that I had meant enough for them to consider it but i would never go back.

[Infern0]

Obviously people know my story on here and the fact that my ex has never let go of me 100% and I keep getting recycled etc keep talking about getting back together but can't leave the replacement but still loves me etc.  You all know the drill.

Anyway I honestly don't know what I'd say if she asked to get back officially.  It's hard enough being "emotionally attatched friends with benefits" which is how if describe us. Not sure if I could cope with her full time

[going places]

What would that be like , she regrets she made a huge mistake and want to reconcile

What reaction you would have ?

Um not just no, but HELL NO.

I recycled, many times, with great promises, big lofty speeches, lies lies lies... .

And for 2 weeks things were WONDERFUL.

And like a light switch on a timer, when the 2 week 'honeymoon' was over?

He went back to 'his real self'... .

No way.

Never ever ever again, ever.

[ajr5679]

no I will never go down that road again. I will just get hurt again. I just can`t do it to myself. I am so tired of being anybody tampon.

[Deeno02]

Nope. She can call, text, email, twitter, carrier pigeon, candy gram, instagram, or sky writer. Point is, I will never, NEVER, put myself through that again. Never.