For Nons who want to move on

[bengaltropicat]

After 28 years married to a functioning Undiagnosed High Functioning BPD with three children I discovered BPD, followed the advice of BPD Family experts and in 2011, the marriage ended legally.  Of course, he remarried within months.  I was relieved to be out of it and went NC (as much as possible with one young hold still at home with me).  Life was finally good for me and I was moving forward. In that process I learned, as many of you also are learning, that as a NON, my codependent behavior allowed the BPD to express BPD behavior; my threshold for normal was way off the charts.   

So, long story short, recovery from a BPD relationship required me to examine my life and why i allowed it… in order that I could never allow it again. 

When both of my parents died in 2013, I was forced to confront this all again as part of the grieving process for them.  Fortunately I was directed to a dry insightful therapist following the divorce who had spent what I though was an inordinate amount of time examining my relationship with a NPD father / chronically depressed mother.  The time I spent with my parents in the last months of their lives took me back, but this time armed with the knowledge and understanding from the therapist.  Perspective was different, I no longer allowed myself to be a victim and I was able to set boundaries. 

Three years out from marriage to a BPD and a year out from under the yoke of being a "scapegoat" child of a narcissist, I still struggle with giving myself credit and recognizing that there are many reasons to believe in myself.  Sometimes life is just difficult but there is a light ahead if you can crawl out from the years of toxic dumping by parents. Therapy with a strong person who understands BPD, NPD and co dependency with those disorders and learning to take responsibility for your self and not to take responsibility for the damage inflicted by others is a liberating process.  It doesn't happen in a day or a week or a year.  The hard work goes on and will go on probably for the rest of life but the reward is seeing life through a clear lens, accepting those things you cannot change and making positive change to those which you have the power to change.  Empowerment to live meaningfully and purposefully has been a gift I never expected and appreciate each day.

Keep working at it. Information is power, jet fuel to get through this wormhole of emotion and come out at the other end where you will, I hope, find a life of peace and happiness as I have been fortunate to do. 

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you for your post , I am going through this self examination mode , that was helpful .

In this process how and what question should we ask ourselves ?

[parisian]

Thank you for your insight bengal.

I had a visit with my T today.

We had briefly touched on codependency and neediness, and how that was what got me into, and kept me in my last relationship with a BPD. I've been doing some reading on that.

One of the topics we touched on, was why I felt I was unable to assert my boundaries in a positive way in that relationship.

Next T visit we are going to dig deep into the limbic system, and hopefully start to resolve some of the issues, beliefs, lessons I got from my childhood, that kept me stuck in that pattern of response in my last relationship.

Things like not being able to express my opinion or views as a child (adults know best), not being able to have a conversation with a parent about feelings ('stop talking back', not being able to or knowing how to even talk about my feelings (shutting up and shutting it in), being teased and humiliated if I expressed anger, not being able to show emotion ('stop being a cry baby'. Ultimately I learnt to be quiet, to not say what I thought or how I felt, and that is what has carried through to affecting my ability to speak up for what I want, or to assert my boundaries in a positive way. So I'm going to relearn some of that. I'm sure some of those discussions are going to be painful, but I'm looking forward to it.

[going places]

After 28 years married to a functioning Undiagnosed High Functioning BPD with three children I discovered BPD, followed the advice of BPD Family experts and in 2011, the marriage ended legally.  Of course, he remarried within months.  I was relieved to be out of it and went NC (as much as possible with one young hold still at home with me).  Life was finally good for me and I was moving forward. In that process I learned, as many of you also are learning, that as a NON, my codependent behavior allowed the BPD to express BPD behavior; my threshold for normal was way off the charts.   

So, long story short, recovery from a BPD relationship required me to examine my life and why i allowed it… in order that I could never allow it again. 

When both of my parents died in 2013, I was forced to confront this all again as part of the grieving process for them.  Fortunately I was directed to a dry insightful therapist following the divorce who had spent what I though was an inordinate amount of time examining my relationship with a NPD father / chronically depressed mother.  The time I spent with my parents in the last months of their lives took me back, but this time armed with the knowledge and understanding from the therapist.  Perspective was different, I no longer allowed myself to be a victim and I was able to set boundaries. 

Three years out from marriage to a BPD and a year out from under the yoke of being a "scapegoat" child of a narcissist, I still struggle with giving myself credit and recognizing that there are many reasons to believe in myself.  Sometimes life is just difficult but there is a light ahead if you can crawl out from the years of toxic dumping by parents. Therapy with a strong person who understands BPD, NPD and co dependency with those disorders and learning to take responsibility for your self and not to take responsibility for the damage inflicted by others is a liberating process.  It doesn't happen in a day or a week or a year.  The hard work goes on and will go on probably for the rest of life but the reward is seeing life through a clear lens, accepting those things you cannot change and making positive change to those which you have the power to change.  Empowerment to live meaningfully and purposefully has been a gift I never expected and appreciate each day.

Keep working at it. Information is power, jet fuel to get through this wormhole of emotion and come out at the other end where you will, I hope, find a life of peace and happiness as I have been fortunate to do. 

I am sending you a PM... .

[bengaltropicat]

I think the self examination and the questions you need to ask will vary depending upon what kind of parents / family life you had as a child. 

My personal problem involved low self esteem, self worth and guilt for things that I was blamed for yet had no say or determination in what happened. 

As the child of a narcissist and I was forever the "scapegoat", my siblings alternated being "golden children" there was nothing I could do right and I could be blamed for anything that went wrong.  That was my role.  The second therapist I went to made me realize that things I was blaming myself for were absurd.  She would say:  OK, so and so happened.  You were six years old. What could you have possibly done at six years old to cause that? You were an innocent child.  Why would an adult man savagely beat a six year old little girl? I was carrying guilt around about that sort of thing and when the absurdity of my reasoning and understanding saw the light of day, it was like a light switch went on.  There continue to be a-ha moments of understanding.  You just need to find the right therapist who truly understands the gravity of your experiences and who can help one to the realizations that allow you to let go of the past and move forward.  Most people out there have no clue what it was like to be with a BPD person.  I don't even try to explain it anymore because what goes on with a borderline is not a "difference of opinion" or "he said, she said" or a situation that I failed to work out.  Borderlines are beyond the pale and many people on this forum had it worse than me.  We only share responsibility because we allow it to go on and continue to go on.  I grew up in family where dysfunctional was normal.  I just didn't know how dysfunctional it was until it was pointed out to me that families that love each other do not behave that way.  Once I was able to identify why I had felt so awful for so long and realized that it was NEVER NEVER EVER to be good, that I was dealing with some pretty sick stuff and if I didn't get out, my life would only get worse, I developed a very good strategy and executed on it. Once out, I had to work on myself.  I could go on with my life and blame my parents or ex husband and be sad and miserable or, evict them all from my head and set a course that works for me. They don't matter anymore.  It's my life and the script I write will determine my future.  If you let them occupy space in your head, you lose.

[Infern0]

Codependency is a real problem for me and it's funny because I never even knew I had it.

I grew up with a histrionic mother and an emotionally vacuous father.  An interesting dynamic looking back as my mother was a real piece of work,  she would push my dad to breaking point to the extent that he actually hit her a few times.  But it was that unhealthy dynamic where she would always want him back.

Of course my role in all of this was to be the emotional support for mother whenever dad had enough and left for a few days,  but when he came back I'd be sidelined again.

You can see how this developed me into my own issues as there's probably a part of me who enjoyed them falling out because it was the only time I got positive attention and felt useful.

Now I'm at least aware of my codependency issues but it doesn't seem to help me in my current situation. My ex still has the ability to activate my codependent traits with a few words.  Now I would not fall for the same act from anyone else I don't think,  but with her it's extremely hard. She also tells me again and again that she couldn't cope without me so the guilt keeps me on the other end of the phone

[HappyNihilist]

Thank you so much for this very inspiring post, bengal.  I'm so glad you've found happiness and peace and freedom in your life. That's beautiful to hear.

Codependency is a real problem for me and it's funny because I never even knew I had it.

Of course my role in all of this was to be the emotional support for mother whenever dad had enough and left for a few days,  but when he came back I'd be sidelined again.

I'm completely with you, Infern0. I never realized I was codependent until my experience with my exBPDbf. Like you, I was the emotional support for a very emotionally high-maintenance mother, with a father who traveled 9 months out of the year for work, and no siblings to share the responsibility.

It's difficult to peel back all the layers and come to terms with just what parts of me are broken and why, and try to get in touch with my true self so that I can rebuild and live in the healthiest way for me. Sometimes I stumble and fall, I get discouraged, I start beating myself up... .but I know that it can be done, so I pick myself back up and keep working. A big part of it lies in convincing myself that I am worth it -- that, in fact, this is the most worthwhile thing I can possibly do.

[Hope0807]

Thank you for this post.  The information is definitely power and I'm finding it difficult to convince even my therapist that it is helping, not hurting my process in moving forward. 

[CareTaker]

Codependency is a real problem for me and it's funny because I never even knew I had it.

I must admit this was quite a wake up call for me. I only found this out about 2 months ago. I was so stuck in the trap of BPD, doing research and trying to find ways to apply it to our relationship, that I never ever thought of looking at ME. My codepandency kept me wanting to save HER. I had to save this relationship, although I knew it was toxic.

I just didn't know how dysfunctional it was until it was pointed out to me that families that love each other do not behave that way.  Once I was able to identify why I had felt so awful for so long and realized that it was NEVER NEVER EVER to be good, that I was dealing with some pretty sick stuff and if I didn't get out, my life would only get worse, I developed a very good strategy and executed on it. Once out, I had to work on myself.

Very wise words bengaltropicat. I think through some research I knew what the problem was, but wanted to fix it. A voice in my head was telling me to let go, but I wasn't going to give up without trying. Codependant or not, I think we have will power. I think we have courage, because anyone else would just walk from the relationship. Yet we believe in ourselves.

Yet there comes a time when you have to admit to yourself this disorder is bigger than you.

And about a month after walking out, I got the feeling something wasn't right. I lost something over the period of 3 years. Some of ME was missing. That is when I found codependancy. It was triggered during this toxic relationship. Working on myself now is great. I get to discover a new ME, meet loads of new people and apply new techniques to everyday life. I feel more fulfilled and happy.

I think it is better to detach from a hostile relationship. Then both involved go their own ways and discover themselves in a new environment.

[bengaltropicat]

Amen