What's going on here - is it ever possible to be friends?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I've been just over 2 months NC after break from 1.5 year r/s with a very high functioning exBPDgf.

She mentioned several times before I put NC in place, that she wanted to stay friends - we knew each other for 10 years before we got together - obviously I did not know her THAT well to u/s she had BPD - it was her masked self I got to know and then fall in love with.

I contaced her a few weeks back and offered to catch up for coffee... so we met up today.

I was wanting to see how I would go with this - how 'indifferent' I could be, how she would be.

She was chatty, not overly happy (she never was with me, but was a massive extrovert when with friends), enquired about what's been happening for me, asked questions, let me ask questions and talked about what she has been up to also. She was polite and friendly. I gave her a small birthday gift I'd bought before we broke up. She sent me a text to say thanks for catching up and for the present - that it was kind. It still was not the same type of catch up I would have with other friends - there was not much laughter, just functional chat about each other's lives, family, work and so on.

Knowing now that she had BPD, I feel like I have forgiven some of her bad behaviour (but certainly not forgotten). I feel some compassion for her, but in no way want to rescue her or reconcile (we already recycled once). If she can stay as she was tonight - friendly without anything else, I might be okay with seeing her occasionally for a coffee. I still care of course, but I feel like it is a 'care from a distance', or 'care but with caution' approach.

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

[parisian]

So I've been just over 2 months NC after break from 1.5 year r/s with a very high functioning exBPDgf.

She mentioned several times before I put NC in place, that she wanted to stay friends - we knew each other for 10 years before we got together - obviously I did not know her THAT well to u/s she had BPD - it was her masked self I got to know and then fall in love with.

I contaced her a few weeks back and offered to catch up for coffee... so we met up today.

I was wanting to see how I would go with this - how 'indifferent' I could be, how she would be.

She was chatty, not overly happy (she never was with me, but was a massive extrovert when with friends), enquired about what's been happening for me, asked questions, let me ask questions and talked about what she has been up to also. She was polite and friendly. I gave her a small birthday gift I'd bought before we broke up. She sent me a text to say thanks for catching up and for the present - that it was kind. It still was not the same type of catch up I would have with other friends - there was not much laughter, just functional chat about each other's lives, family, work and so on.

Knowing now that she had BPD, I feel like I have forgiven some of her bad behaviour (but certainly not forgotten). I feel some compassion for her, but in no way want to rescue her or reconcile (we already recycled once). If she can stay as she was tonight - friendly without anything else, I might be okay with seeing her occasionally for a coffee. I still care of course, but I feel like it is a 'care from a distance', or 'care but with caution' approach.

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

[going places]

For me personally?

No.

His abuse... .no way.

To me the definition of friend would never include the characteristics that my exh has. Ever.

[camuse]

It's not normally successful, due to the fact that they view you as an object, rather than in the way a normal friend would view you.

More than anything, what's the point? Why meet for coffee with someone who has no empathy for you, and views you purely as supply? Why waste your time? To find out how she's doing - why care? She doesn't care how you are doing, only that you are still around in case she needs you. Rather like an old vacuum cleaner stored in the garage.

I tried being friends with mine for a couple of months before I realised what was up. Each meeting involved her reminding me that everything was my fault, telling me all her problems, lying about my replacement, demanding to know if I had a new gf, and asking for money, favours, lifts. Oh and telling me she'd die without me in her life 

Well she's still alive as far as I'm aware.

[anxiety5]

So I've been just over 2 months NC after break from 1.5 year r/s with a very high functioning exBPDgf.

She mentioned several times before I put NC in place, that she wanted to stay friends - we knew each other for 10 years before we got together - obviously I did not know her THAT well to u/s she had BPD - it was her masked self I got to know and then fall in love with.

I contaced her a few weeks back and offered to catch up for coffee... so we met up today.

I was wanting to see how I would go with this - how 'indifferent' I could be, how she would be.

She was chatty, not overly happy (she never was with me, but was a massive extrovert when with friends), enquired about what's been happening for me, asked questions, let me ask questions and talked about what she has been up to also. She was polite and friendly. I gave her a small birthday gift I'd bought before we broke up. She sent me a text to say thanks for catching up and for the present - that it was kind. It still was not the same type of catch up I would have with other friends - there was not much laughter, just functional chat about each other's lives, family, work and so on.

Knowing now that she had BPD, I feel like I have forgiven some of her bad behaviour (but certainly not forgotten). I feel some compassion for her, but in no way want to rescue her or reconcile (we already recycled once). If she can stay as she was tonight - friendly without anything else, I might be okay with seeing her occasionally for a coffee. I still care of course, but I feel like it is a 'care from a distance', or 'care but with caution' approach.

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

No. It is not possible. I don't know to what level your relationship deteriorated but I assume the fact you are posting here, you're certainly familiar with what others are/have gone through. Point being, when someone is egocentric, passive or actively manipulative, incapable of healthy relationship attachments, alluring, controlling and impulsive, does that sound like a good friend?

I think you need to ask yourself what you subconsciously looked to gain by meeting up with this person. Every person in this forum is either dealing with the signs of BPD destruction in their relationship, coming to terms with the reality of their predicament, or healing from the aftermath. Essentially everyone here is working towards the emotional strength to go NC for self preservation. You accomplished this. You sustained it for 2 months. What is the motivation for contacting her? Furthermore, rekindling the past by giving her a gift that's representative of your past relationship? Aside from BPD or not, you are sending this person mixed signals. You go NC for 2 months, then call her and ask her for a cup of coffee? And then give her a gift even though you have ignored her for 60+ days?

I'm not meaning to sound critical or judgmental. God knows I've had countless "relapses" and even when I was assured I had the strength to leave "for good" I've found my self immobilized and in denial right back where I started.

BPD individuals hold a grudge like China. They NEVER forget. It's the reason why as the relationship deteriorates they will recall and recant EVERY time you would "bite" on their conflict baiting all in order to paint you as the culprit of the deterioration of the relationship.

Point being, going NC to someone with abandonment fears, then calling them, sending them mixed signals, giving them a gift, etc You've essentially reopened a wound. You going NC was a huge blow to her fragile ego. You are in denial if you don't think that underneath the facade, moving forward, you won't have a payback coming to you. This is the type of disordered individual who has black/white thinking, who views each transaction as a win/loss. The type of person who will woo you back for the SOLE PURPOSE of leaving you next time, as an emotional mess, for good all in hopes of making the score even.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I've found that unless you are in your late teens or early 20s there is no reason to ever be friends with an ex. That's not to say that you should be a jerk, ignore them, etc. I understand certain situations whether mutual careers or friends or co-parenting, it can be impossible to avoid them indefinitely. I managed to remain friends with one ex, and it was incredibly challenging and took years before we truly viewed each other as "friends" with no romantic interest. Once you are in your late 20s or 30s and beyond, there is simply no reason to put that much time or effort into it. Just cut your losses and move on.

BPD's often will use open statements prior to the end of a relationship, or offer "friendship" It's self motivated and self serving. How can someone who is emotionally abusive and disrespectful going to be a "Friend?" They do so because if they haven't lined up your replacement or want to extract a little ego hit out of you in the future, they want the door left cracked, so they can infiltrate it at their digression.

You should ask yourself your motivation for wanting to leave the door open to someone with this disorder. I get that you were friends for a long time or acquaintances. But, the facts are the dynamic your relationship changed at some point, and likewise so should your expectations and motivations for future contact.

[Lion Fire]

In my case NO.

I have many friends of which none of them have verbally and mentally abused me. None of them have blackmailed, degraded or manipulated me to get their selfish needs met. None of them are mentally unstable either.

They respect me and the relationships are largely reciprocal.

I don't need a new friend who is actually a danger to my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being 

[CareTaker]

What's going on here - is it ever possible to be friends?

For what I gave for this relationship and the crumbs I got in return, not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse, she can shove her friendship where the sun don't shine.

I really do not need friends like this in my life. Nothing friendly about these people, they just parasites. Going from one host to the other. Period.   

[fromheeltoheal]

It's helpful when making this decision to think of a generic friend, friendship in general.  What is friendship?  Maybe it's a relationship based on mutual respect and trust, a safe place to be yourself without judgement and to express your vulnerability in an accepting and mutually supportive environment.  So now think, does your ex meet the criteria?  I didn't trust my ex and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count, there was a constant stream of negative judgments, and any vulnerability I expressed was met with contempt and blame; come to think of it, she was pretty much an anti-friend.

So then look at motivations.  Her's are simple, an attachment to help her soothe emotions she can't deal with, but what are yours?  Time to get really honest here.  Validation?  Hoping it might grow into more, and that she's different now?  Closure?  Guilt alleviation?  This is an opportunity to dig deep and discover what's really going on with you, and maybe grow as a result.

[billypilgrim]

For me? No way.  Not after all I've been through.  She married her "best friend" - clearly the crappiest best friend that I've ever had and ever will have.  Why would I want to be friends with that?  Especially given all that I know about BPD - what friendships can they actually form?  The amount of friends that came and went (she recycled her friends) while we were together indicates to me that she would never be someone you could rely on.  I was her husband and I couldn't even rely on her to be there for me emotionally, there's no way I could ever count on her to be a friend.  I hope she can find a way to enjoy her life but I want no part of it.

[BrokenFamily]

Is it possible yes, however it's very difficult and you must except the fact that it will be mostly a one-sided friendship.

My ex treats all her friends like poop, only calls them when she needs something and has no time for them when they just want to talk to her.

I'm civil because we have a daughter together, I go out of my way to make her happy and wouldn't dare do anything to provoke her but unfortunately despite us being apart almost 3 months now and me being replaced after only a few days, she still finds reasons to rage on me. I guess she still isn't ready to show that side of herself to the replacement and still needs to get it out of her system.

With friends like that who needs enemas ? LOL

[Skip]

It took the first two weeks of 'I'd like it if we could be friends', emails and facebook posts for me to finally get the guts up to say NC.

And after I put that in place, there was the sly effort to get me to contact her, after she put a semi valuable item of mine in my locked mailbox, and then asked to let her know I had got it 'safely'. Followed by 'And let me know when you'd like to see me'.

Well of course I got it safely. I now realise that was just an attempt at contact. I was torn. Do I 'be mature' and let her know I received it, or just ignore the contact. I chose the 'be mature' option, and emailed her.

And then a few days later, an 'accidental' email sent to all her friends also went to me for a social event. So of course, I had to be 'mature again' and remind her I had asked for no contact and would appreciate if she could respect that please.

She is high-functioning BPD, and sometimes could be very respectful and polite. So far, apart from the two indiscretions above, there seems to be compliance. Have any others experienced a good level of compliance with NC?

Can you develop and ex-lover friendship - something other than NC?  

Sure. But you need to have realistic expectations. It might really be more like "staying in contact" than friends.

1. Most ex-lover relationships don't develop until after the hurt is well passed.

2. Ex-lover friendships are like fingerprints - no two evolve the same - and you have to carefully gauge the other person and yourself. Her lack of laughing may have been her inability to cover up her hurt feelings - which suggests she hasn't grieved yet - an anger stage may be coming.

Waiting 70 days was good.  

[antelope]

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

what do you mean by stay?

were you ever really friends with her to begin with?  ... .and at this point, do you even really know who she is?

[Blimblam]

To echo skip. It is possible but you have to be honest with yourself about your expectations and where you are at in yourself. Once the pain is gone and you have forgiven is probably best.

[Scarlett2008]

Dear parisian,

Your exBPDgf could be my exBPDbf. We were also best friends for a long time. But since the breakdown of our relationship I realize that I never will be friend again with this person, now that I've seen what's underneath the mask (and it's friggin scary).Now we have a duplex to sell so I will try to deal with him in a civil manner but that's it. After the bank and the notary stuff will be over, I'm done with him for good.

During our relationship we had swore to each other we would stay friend no matter what. It's hard to realize the person you were friends with never really existed. Also it's just not worth the mind games and the emotional exhaustion.

Take care of yourself, love yourself !

[Rise]

I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is why you want to be friends with your ex. I've found in my life most times when people say they want to be friends with their ex, it's really because a) it's an attempt to ease the difficulty of the break-up or b) one partner isn't willing to accept the break-up and let go of the relationship. You have to be honest about your intentions. Is this a legitimate desire to remain in plutonic contact  with your ex(and if so, what are the reasons you want this)? Or is this because you don't want to let go of the relationship you had?

[anxiety5]

I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is why you want to be friends with your ex. I've found in my life most times when people say they want to be friends with their ex, it's really because a) it's an attempt to ease the difficulty of the break-up or b) one partner isn't willing to accept the break-up and let go of the relationship. You have to be honest about your intentions. Is this a legitimate desire to remain in plutonic contact  with your ex(and if so, what are the reasons you want this)? Or is this because you don't want to let go of the relationship you had?

I agree with this and all statements below. If you have a spec of romantic feelings towards an ex, it can not work. What's more, often times BPD person will transform back into the person you knew at the start. I don't see how after a breakup, unless significant time has passed (years) you could not become captivated with this person all over again.

What then? Is that good for you? To subject yourself to someone who you could not resist the first time, yet manipulated and abused you? The entire end of the relationship as things spiraled down, you asked yourself how it got to that point. You just wanted her to be the way she was when you first got together. Now you find yourself in a situations where she is acting (key word) like she did when you first met, only this time she's open to see other people and you are open to becoming crushed.

Someone who you trusted, yet cheated, or verbally abused you, controlled you, isolated you from your hobbies, friends and family, devalued you and disrespected you, used you, and had a relationship that was based off manipulating your deficits in order to hook you and then suck you dry as she activated your caretaker/giver characteristics through a push pull is NOT someone who is going to make a good "friend"

Anyone who wants to remain friends with a BPD I think the only honest reasons why are self motivated. You don't want to be alone, You don't want to let go, and/or you are hoping to still maintain a physical relationship from an emotional distance where you will not be hurt.

These motives don't make you wrong or bad, but they are still a manifestation of the problems that got you into this relationship in the first place. The brain is fed by dopamine, which is triggered by the diminishing reward system these relationships turn into. Chasing the high, so-to-speak. The purpose of NC is to reset the brain. To essentially kill the pathways that were created that make these disordered people addictive despite the fact we know they are bad for us.  Once you break free from this, have time to work on you, filling those deficits that made you vulnerable prey to this type of individual to begin with, there is no logical reason or purpose to continue to subject yourself to them.

In short, the desire to maintain ANY relations with this person, is a form of denial. The KEY characteristic of the BPD is the fact that they don't bond in interpersonal relationships the same way as you and I. They aren't capable of real love. It's always conditional. It's always reward based, and it's always on their terms and conditions. Their true self does not value you. Does not respect you. Does not care about your wants and needs. Their hook is manipulation to make you think they are all these amazing things. For proof of that, why are they so amazing in the beginning, then treat you with indifference, and neglect only to go back to square one if you leave or want to leave? That in itself proves they are only their idealized self when they need to be, in order to hook/trap you. Therefore it's irrational for someone to want to be friends with someone who manipulated you in order to control you, who does not care about your wants and needs and who has no real attachment to you in anyway and views you as a resource for her needs of adoration, attention, and service.  That is of course, unless you are still in denial of these things.

[OutOfEgypt]

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

No.  For two reasons:

1) It will never be healthy.  They aren't capable of mutual relationships.  They can fake it for a little while, but we basically exist to be one of their "minions"... .to stroke their ego, come to their rescue when they need us, and to be pawns in their sick little triangles with other men and other people, all to keep the focus all on them and punish and control us.

2) It will prevent you from ever moving on and having a good relationship with someone else... .which, by the way, is exactly what she wants.  As my therapist told me, "She wants you to be the boat and she the barnacle.  She wants to be a barnacle on your hull forever, but she also wants to make sure nobody else gets to be a barnacle on your hull."

BPD's by nature expect that their relationships revolve around them.  Why would you ever want that, especially given any history you have?

[OutOfEgypt]

In short, the desire to maintain ANY relations with this person, is a form of denial. The KEY characteristic of the BPD is the fact that they don't bond in interpersonal relationships the same way as you and I. They aren't capable of real love. It's always conditional. It's always reward based, and it's always on their terms and conditions.

Yes, this.  I had to come to this conclusion myself, regarding my now ex-wife.  And I have been a support to my girlfriend as she has come to this conclusion about two of her friends who are BPD.  I told her, "you shouldn't have to read self-help books and join a support group in order to be someone's friend.  it just shouldn't be that hard!"  It is not worth the headaches, the constant draw on your attention, and all the punishment and manipulation you will endure.  Step out of the FOG and never look back, my friend.  If you are considering being her friend, I challenge you to see where you are in denial and living under her foggy spell.

Having to maintain *anything* with a BPD person, especially after a breakup, just sucks.  I have to deal with my ex because we share children.  I get to watch her manipulate my children and manipulate their friends against them (for the older children).  I get to deal with the sudden calls, asking me to help talk her down when she is feeling nervous.  I get to deal with the smear campaigns around town and on Facebook, all for my kids to see.  And then, when I'm painted white again, to deal with her passive-aggressive little jabs and guilt trips over completely stupid things, like my girlfriend blocking her on FB.  Seriously, aside from the amazing kids I had with her, this is one person I wish I never met and never had to deal with ever again.  I can't stop her from being her, but I can certainly continue to detach from it all.  There is no way I would ever be her "friend."  Ever.  There is a lesson that has been hard-learned for me that is probably true across the board:  there has not been a single time that I have allowed her close to me that I have not regretted.  Not a single time.  They try to get close, and then they destroy.  They have to.  They are pathological.  They will do it EVERY time.  Don't do it, man.

[anxiety5]

Is it possible to stay 'friends' with an exBPD ever?

No.  For two reasons:

1) It will never be healthy.  They aren't capable of mutual relationships.  They can fake it for a little while, but we basically exist to be one of their "minions"... .to stroke their ego, come to their rescue when they need us, and to be pawns in their sick little triangles with other men and other people, all to keep the focus all on them and punish and control us.

2) It will prevent you from ever moving on and having a good relationship with someone else... .which, by the way, is exactly what she wants.  As my therapist told me, "She wants you to be the boat and she the barnacle.  She wants to be a barnacle on your hull forever, but she also wants to make sure nobody else gets to be a barnacle on your hull."

BPD's by nature expect that their relationships revolve around them.  Why would you ever want that, especially given any history you have?

You know my number one reason? In the year I was with her I realized something very odd yet revealing... .with the exception of superficial work connections, SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. I have friends I keep in touch with who I knew when I was 8 years old. In my mind of red flags, I've added this peculiarity. If you meet someone who has no attachments or friendships that are beyond work relations, ex, and no life long friends from at least 5 years ago, be careful.

Point being, if the person you dated, has no friends, are we so delusional ourselves to think we must be the exception? Not a chance. It's because she doesn't think of you as a friend. She thinks of you as a source. A resource of sex, money, attention, an ear to listen, someone to do the stuff she doesn't feel like doing, etc. Whatever the reason, you are a natural resource to her, not a friend. You take resources, you use them. Whatever boundaries you place in the "friendship" will diminish your usefulness and she will move on to the next deposit to extract supply from.

[OutOfEgypt]

You know my number one reason? In the year I was with her I realized something very odd yet revealing... .with the exception of superficial work connections, SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. I have friends I keep in touch with who I knew when I was 8 years old. In my mind of red flags, I've added this peculiarity. If you meet someone who has no attachments or friendships that are beyond work relations, ex, and no life long friends from at least 5 years ago, be careful.

Exactly.  My ex also doesn't really have friends.  She has people she uses to buy into her exaggerations and lies, about what a victimized person she is, or about what a great person she is and how wrong the people are (as the list grows) who think she does terrible things to people and isn't very nice at all.  They are usually people who are either emotionally dysfunctional, themselves (and she bags on them behind their backs about what losers and ___s they are), or they are people she has met over the internet, somehow, who can buy her crap from a distance.  And then she has guys she manipulates and lures and strings along for attention, even friends of our adult son.  It's pretty sad, actually.  There was a time when she admitted that to me and cried about how she really has nobody.  As sad as that may be, I couldn't help but think she was also doing her best to pull on my heart strings.  "Poor me".  

[Skip]

Is it ever possible to be friends?

Lots of good solid comments here.

My question is fourfold:

~ are we answering the OP's question, or instead, explaining our situation/decision (isn't this an empathy question)?

~ are we thinking in black and white, always or never?

~ is this healthy for us?

~ are we helping the OP?

[Hawk Ridge]

Skip, I hope my question is helpful to the conversation.  In your previous response, you spoke about the stages of grief the pwBPD goes through.  Could you discuss this further?  Additionally, from your experience and observations, do you think a friendship (a goal I also possess) becomes more likely and successful at the end of that grieving period?  I have been apart from my pwBPD, formerly my very dear friend, since March.  The stages of grief have been difficult for me as we grew up together and I witnessed the trauma that led to her disease.  Knowing it is difficult to navigate the phases, I can recognize both the need and the difficulty of traversing this territory.  Thank you

[anxiety5]

Is it ever possible to be friends?

Lots of good solid comments here.

My question is fourfold:

~ are we answering the OP's question, or instead, explaining our situation/decision (isn't this an empathy question)?

~ are we thinking in black and white, always or never?

~ is this healthy for us?

~ are we helping the OP?

Very true. If my comments came off in that way, I do apologize. I need to remember that we all have to make our own journey. I know that looking back, no comment, or information I read or experience could have changed me in those moments. I honestly thought some how I could overcome it all, but learned (after countless struggles) that at least in my personal experience it simply wasn't going to happen.

I wish that somehow someway I found this site earlier in the process. That I could have read other people's experiences (which usually are eerily similar) and would have been able to come out of denial faster with at least a bit of my dignity intact.

My experiences shared here are with the best of intentions for the person posting. If they come off as black/white thinking, I do apologize for that. I just know that I viewed someone as incapable of ever hurting me, turn out to be someone who devastated me and did things that I still have a hard time even comprehending. And because of that, I err on the side of the reality of the behaviors of a BPD, my own experiences, vs the denial I myself lived in for so long and thinking that I could somehow make it work.

So to take a stab at the original post, I think you could be friends with them, but you would have to seriously be careful not to be emotionally invested in them. You would have to do so from a place where you know that you are on firm ground. Where you have done self work to ensure you have clear cut boundaries through the development and identification of core values which are not to be compromised. You should do so only if you have read as much as you can on this condition, are familiar with ways to avoid conflict, validate, and have a firm understanding of the potential limitations of them as to not take things personally. I think that would be an incredibly difficult thing to do if you once or still do love someone romantically. I think it is possible, but just be sure you are protecting yourself in the process. Best of luck to you.

[Infared]

I definitely could never do that after what I went through. All the lies. The cheating... .the acting out in public with the replacement to hurt me emotionally... .the crazi-ass drive-byes... .NO WAY.    I could not respect myself if I interacted with her on any level. Any.

I realize that every situation has different circumstances though... .so I am not saying that everyone should do what I need to do for me.

[fred6]

I think that it's admirable to try and keep a person you care about in your life. However, I don't know if it's possible to be friends with certain people. It seems like it would take one hell of an effort. My ex told me that she wanted to stay friends when she was breaking up with me. Once I moved out and she had unrestricted access to new supply, all bets were off. I haven't heard from her "as a friend" since I left. And I have a feeling that I won't. It was just another lie to make herself feel better a the time.

If you meet someone who has no attachments or friendships that are beyond work relations, ex, and no life long friends from at least 5 years ago, be careful.

I don't know about this. I have very few friends. My ex on the other hand is high functioning and knows everyone and has them fooled into thinking that she's their friend. I tend to think that some pwBPD keep a lot of people in their circle. Regardless, I think that I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

[parisian]

I think you need to ask yourself what you subconsciously looked to gain by meeting up with this person. Every person in this forum is either dealing with the signs of BPD destruction in their relationship, coming to terms with the reality of their predicament, or healing from the aftermath. Essentially everyone here is working towards the emotional strength to go NC for self preservation. You accomplished this. You sustained it for 2 months. What is the motivation for contacting her? Furthermore, rekindling the past by giving her a gift that's representative of your past relationship? Aside from BPD or not, you are sending this person mixed signals. You go NC for 2 months, then call her and ask her for a cup of coffee? And then give her a gift even though you have ignored her for 60+ days?

Point being, going NC to someone with abandonment fears, then calling them, sending them mixed signals, giving them a gift, etc You've essentially reopened a wound. You going NC was a huge blow to her fragile ego. You are in denial if you don't think that underneath the facade, moving forward, you won't have a payback coming to you. This is the type of disordered individual who has black/white thinking, who views each transaction as a win/loss. The type of person who will woo you back for the SOLE PURPOSE of leaving you next time, as an emotional mess, for good all in hopes of making the score even.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I've found that unless you are in your late teens or early 20s there is no reason to ever be friends with an ex.

Anxiety5, I wasn't sending mixed signals. Like most BPD's she made the offer of staying friends. I suggested NC for a 'while' and she agreed. There was no fixed date and I didn't give the impresssion of 'forever'. I simply said I needed some space. She had made contact with me twice during that (see my earlier posts). I realise some of this is unhealthy. It was her birthday last week, and I had bought a gift for her, before we broke up. It was something small and inexpensive. I am trying to come from a place of maturity and compassion. I had a gift for her and didn't want to throw it away. She thanked me for it but I don't think saw anything more that what it was. A small gift for her birthday.  

I am in a small gay community and am actually very good friends with two exes, and neither myself nor them have any problem with that. Being a small community, we run into the same people all the time, and there is nothing worse than turning up to events trying to avoid exes. I appreciate some people might not understand this, but in a small community where you see the same people repeatedly, it is mature to at least be friendly. I don't think age has anything to do with it. I'm not sure if you're trying to imply immaturity for remainaing friends? There are lots of reasons for staying friends with those exes, but mainly because they happen to be very nice people.

I wanted to catch up with the exBPD to see how I was going with detaching (that was one reason, the other to genuinely see how she was doing), and because she was a long term friend, that I did actually enjoy a friendship with before our relationship. I doubt very much she will try and woo me back. She is very high-functioning and I think it very unlikely she would do that nor do I think she will try any 'payback'.  

I have no intention of being in regular or constant contact, not in the next 12 months anyway, and I don't think she will be either. I realise I do need time to get over things properly before there can ever be any type of proper friendship again, and I think over time, space will just develop into NC, with the occasional coffee catch up. I don't know, and I guess time will tell.

[BrokenFamily]

I'm starting to realize that despite my being kind still helping my ex and being a great father to our daughter I will always be painted black and be a trigger for her. When she's alone she is nice to me , while around her family or the replacement she ingnores me and or treats me like garbage.

My assumption is that seeing me or even talking to me reminds her of how badly she hurt me and our family, she would rather just move forward and keep the pain in the past believing her distorted history of the past that she created to justify her abusive actions towards me.

[camuse]

I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is why you want to be friends with your ex. I've found in my life most times when people say they want to be friends with their ex, it's really because a) it's an attempt to ease the difficulty of the break-up or b) one partner isn't willing to accept the break-up and let go of the relationship. You have to be honest about your intentions. Is this a legitimate desire to remain in plutonic contact  with your ex(and if so, what are the reasons you want this)? Or is this because you don't want to let go of the relationship you had?

I'm friends with an ex - we get on very well and enjoy chatting, but we realised there were key differences in our personalities/goals which meant a relationship was not sustainable long term. With a BPD I think it's totally different - I wonder sometimes if they don't actually view the relationship to friendship transition as the end of the relationship, but more as the removal of sex. Because the friendship is pretty much the same - one sided, abusive, lies, gaslighting, crumbs, etc - but without the sex

Try it! I did. And it was awful. But at least it made it 100% clear there was no reason to stay in touch with this monster anymore.