Hi,
Faith, and welcome!
The first few weeks after the breakup are often tumultuous, raw, and chaotic feeling. I felt like I was literally going crazy, myself. I was in a 2-year-long relationship with a BPD man, which ended a little over 8 months ago. I promise you that it does get better! My best advice is to truly
listen to what your feelings are telling you about yourself during this time. The end of these types of relationships is painful and heart-breaking, but it can teach us a lot of truths about ourselves.
It's hard to paint him back completely, knowing what a great person he could be and having the compassion I do for the sickness he has…but, I know what you're saying. My ex has said some very cruel and hateful things to me, particularly since I ended it… and although it's been very hurtful and hard to accept, in a way it's also confirmed that I've made the right decision in letting it go.
I sympathize. There's no need to paint him black if you don't want to. You need to heal and process
your way. There may come a time when you do want to "paint him black" and hate him and think only of his flaws, and that will be ok, too. You may never feel any ill will towards him, and that's ok. The important thing is that you do what it sounds like you're already doing -- focus on how his behavior and actions have affected
you, how they make
you feel. Remind yourself that you are making the right decision for yourself.
During arguments he would often tell me to go find someone else (who was better than him) and "if you don't like it there's the door." The BPD behavior was intensified in the last couple weeks of the relationship... .if you can even call it that.
I feel you on this. My ex often said things like that to me during arguments, or when he was just feeling down on himself. He was really stuck on the whole "you could do so much better" idea, too.
So that's why I say he pushed me away... .I felt so lonely in those last couple weeks, I couldn't believe the way he was acting. He ended the relationship physically and emotionally, I was just the one to do it verbally. I realized that because of his abandonment issues he would rather be in a miserable relationship than none at all. When I did the research and learned more about everything that was happening I finally got wise enough to end it.
That loneliness and distance at the end is so incredibly heart-breaking. Being pushed away from someone we care about, in a relationship we've invested so much in, is a special kind of torment.
He has literally no friends and next to no family around for support... .which I feel terrible about. But he put himself in this situation and probably drove some of those people away as well. Even though he enjoyed my family and they took him in as their own, it showed a bit throughout the relationship and in the end for sure that he had some resentment towards me for having them around and for having an overall easier life than he has.
My ex, too, has very little in the way of a support system, and for the most part this is due to him pushing people away. And there were many times when he acted resentful of me for having had an easier life than he -- especially at the end, when all the cracks started showing.
On the subject of friends and family... .it's so wonderful that you have such an open-minded, amazing support system! And also wonderful to have a great therapist.
Don't hold back from leaning on them during this time.
It would be extremely hard for me if he moves on anytime soon…I've gone NC in the hopes of being unaware of anything he does, and vice versa.
NC is great for a lot of reasons, including this one. What steps have you taken in going NC?
