I always knew something was not right...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello- I feel a huge sense of relief to find this group.

I have always felt that there was something off or not right with

My childhood, my mom and my sister. I have had years of therapy

In an out of many addictions and eating disorders. The best thing that

Happened besides meeting my very stable loving and supportive husband is the fact we move a lot about ever year and half or so then we moved across country for the past 10years and during this time I have really had a chance to do a lot of self care and soul searching outside of my mom and sister manipulation and screwed BPD perspective one min nice and then the next min angry or depressed hating everything.

Now a job assignment has come up and my family and I are moving back about 20-30mins

From my hometown and my mom and sister. I am panicked! How am I going to stay sane and not be pulled back into the chaotic toxic drama. When I told my sister I was moving back she literally hysterical started crying and screaming no I can't do this I can't handle you coming here. My mom is in a state of panic as well because the gig is up she will have both daughters close by and she can't play the triangle game. my mom has compared and set up a competition between my sister and I so badly that my sister and I don't talk or visit each other My sister does not want me home because my mom has trashed and spoken so grandiose about me that my sister has stated she thinks we are the Kardashins? What? My family and I are nothing like that? I mentioned to my mom maybe all three of us could go to therapy when I get there... .I even offered to pay and she totally lost it and said nothing is wrong with me I would just sit there and listen and just say,I  have two very different daughters. There is so much more complex drama that goes into my relationship with my mom and sister but as of right now I am not speaking to either one because I don't know what else to do it literally is the only way for me to stay stable and sane just minimal superficial on the surface one or two word text messages... .I really don't know what to do? What I want to do is detach completely. I have so much pain and anger towards issues, events, manipulation and hurtful things said in the past that I want to say goodbye close the door... .act as if they both don't exsist... .

Thank you

Grateful to all that make this site possible and all involved.

[Carebearx2m]

Hello- I feel a huge sense of relief to find this group.

I have always felt that there was something off or not right with

My childhood, my mom and my sister. I have had years of therapy

In an out of many addictions and eating disorders. The best thing that

Happened besides meeting my very stable loving and supportive husband is the fact we move a lot about ever year and half or so then we moved across country for the past 10years and during this time I have really had a chance to do a lot of self care and soul searching outside of my mom and sister manipulation and screwed BPD perspective one min nice and then the next min angry or depressed hating everything.

Now a job assignment has come up and my family and I are moving back about 20-30mins

From my hometown and my mom and sister. I am panicked! How am I going to stay sane and not be pulled back into the chaotic toxic drama. When I told my sister I was moving back she literally hysterical started crying and screaming no I can't do this I can't handle you coming here. My mom is in a state of panic as well because the gig is up she will have both daughters close by and she can't play the triangle game. my mom has compared and set up a competition between my sister and I so badly that my sister and I don't talk or visit each other My sister does not want me home because my mom has trashed and spoken so grandiose about me that my sister has stated she thinks we are the Kardashins? What? My family and I are nothing like that? I mentioned to my mom maybe all three of us could go to therapy when I get there... .I even offered to pay and she totally lost it and said nothing is wrong with me I would just sit there and listen and just say,I  have two very different daughters. There is so much more complex drama that goes into my relationship with my mom and sister but as of right now I am not speaking to either one because I don't know what else to do it literally is the only way for me to stay stable and sane just minimal superficial on the surface one or two word text messages... .I really don't know what to do? What I want to do is detach completely. I have so much pain and anger towards issues, events, manipulation and hurtful things said in the past that I want to say goodbye close the door... .act as if they both don't exsist... .

Thank you

Grateful to all that make this site possible and all involved.

[losthero]

I like the therapy idea and if they do go then MAYBE it will help.  You can offer it but if they are not really into it and feel forced then Im pretty sure it will not help. Therapy for yourself is a great source of support right now for you.  Only you know what you can live with.  If you can emotionally manage no contact then that may be best but if it tears you up inside then only you can determine how much contact you can handle.   Either way we are supportive of you here.   Wishing you the best.

[dotterof1]

I agree with the losthero. Therapy can work, but I have be in therapy in the past with my BPD mom and have literally sat in there being painted as the devil. Ultimately, it didn't work for us. I recommend everyone give it a try if there person is willing, but don't push it if they are not. Worry about yourself; don't force a relationship if you are not ready to enforce your boundaries. First determine what your boundaries are- what topics are off limits; when visits are ok; do you want to be in public with them, etc. Setting boundaries are difficult, but they are the best way to be able to maintain a relationship with a BPD person. Keep in mind that once a boundary is set, they will try and try and try to break them, but you have to stand firm.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you and post on here when you need help.

[goingtostopthis]

Carebear,

      I can relate. When you said triangle game that really hit home. I now live next door to my mom and sister. My mother told me what ever I wanted to hear to get me here, and then when I got here I was hit with the realization of her   

fibs and distortions and reminded as to how it really is by a bullying and controlling sister. I wanted to turn back but it was too late.

                  The first month here was pretty rough. I had to find a counselor and now I will be seeing a therapist later on next month and I plan on seeing this person on regular basis.  My sister has been living with my mom for years now which I think is abnormal.  The  two of them stick together like glue.     

                                  And when the two of them start getting mad at someone they go on and on with the ugliest air of judgment I have ever seen, and yes they have turned this on me. Things have gotten better but because of things that "Ive" done. Ive suppose part of this is because Ive all ways been independent and they just cant stand it this and so theye been busy trying to pull me into their emeshment. They tried the old patterns on me, like the way it was when I was growing up: guilt trips, put downs put in innocent sounding ways, patronizing help when I obviously don't need it. Anything they can say or not say or do or not do to make me feel small and un empowered. It's because that's how they feel and growing up I used in this way so they could feel better about themselves. It's been two against one and I wonder why Ive grown up with some complexes.  In their heads there is nothing wrong with them!

  All I can say to that is  "Wow!"     

                       Im coping much better now. Im learning not to react to them when I really feel provoked. It took me a few hard lessons to finally get it through my head that a reaction is what they really want to create their dramas.

We are getting along better and have been able to really enjoy each others company from time to time, but like it's been said about boundaries. It takes practice but you really do have to stay firm. Seeing a therapist is the best thing I could possibly do for myself, not because "I'm" the ONE who needs help and I has the problem. Its like learning new skills in dealing with difficult people. Im going to take this as an opportunity to grow into being a stronger and better person. I think if I stick with it and keep going forward with this ,things will work out very good. It just takes time.       

               

[ElvisLives]

I would get help for yourself to heal up that pain and anger... .that's no good for you.

I don't think living 30minutes away from your family is much different to living 24 hours away from them... just keep doing what you're doing and living the way you always have done with your lovely husband.   

I guess, really, you don't have to associate yourself with them, visit them or get pulled back in.

But I think you need to see that counsellor so you can find the strategies to learn and make this work for you.

Good luck with your move!  It will be testing but really, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. 

[Carebearx2m]

Awwwwwwwwsome! I can not even put into words  how amazing this feeling of not being alone and the support from this site feels like! I am so grateful to figure this out and hear your amazing words of encouragement and wisdom!

I started reading walking on eggshells last night and it also has some great insight.

Thank you