how easy was it for you to go no contact?

[Infern0]

A couple of questions.

Anyone here break away from their BPD before they were split black, or during a recycle?

How did you do it and what was the backlash?

[maternal]

I wasn't split black until I blocked him from social media.  The No Contact followed, as he got more and more cruel.

[Deeno02]

A couple of questions.

Anyone here break away from their BPD before they were split black, or during a recycle?

How did you do it and what was the backlash?

I was split black then dumped. Been NC since the day I was dumped. I just went cold turkey. Deleted everything I could think of to delete, blocked her on everything I could thank of to block her on.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Easy? I sent like 10000 facebook messages and 30 emails. I felt like I couldn't live without her and did that because I wanted her to know how much I loved her before I killed myself. It's not easy, but it does get easier the longer you do it. The less you look to her for answers, the less you look to her to save you from this pain. The less you will feel a need to talk to her. But I think you're getting harassed by her, I would honestly just find a way to not look at them. Change your number or e-mail or suspend your facebook or whatever you have to do to not deal with her.

[OutOfEgypt]

We finally divorced, after almost fourteen years, multiple affairs, years of trying to please her and completely revolving around her, and two prior near-divorces.  And then when she saw I was starting to be happy, she wanted to talk about getting back together and promised to do therapy.  She never admitted to maybe being BPD, but to make a long story short she started therapy, and we went through a whirlwind romance and moved very quickly back into my house.  Once she moved back in, however, it was like a switch flipped and she went back to the same way.  I felt trapped and again started falling back into FOG.  She was being "friends" again with the same guy, and others, and would go out all night or have him stay while I went away and a host of other totally inappropriate things.  A totally one-way relationship with zero respect toward me.  She did whatever she wanted, again, and my feelings were wrong or "too sensitive" if I didn't like it.  I finally couldn't handle it any longer and told her that her "friendship" with him had to end.  She proceeded to lecture me on how it was basically my fault because I started "going back to being the same way I was before."  She told me we should "just be friends," but of course left the door open for more, perhaps, in the future.  I was destroyed, again.  I was shell-shocked.  And the next day, I heard a number of things from a few witnesses that made me realize how much she was hiding from me again.  I still wasn't out of the FOG, still believing it was somehow my fault, but at that point I didn't care.  I didn't care if I was the crappiest man on earth... .being the crappiest man on earth and being ALONE was 1,000 times better than being punished and tortured by her.  So, I talked to her on the phone (she was at a hotel "thinking about things" with her "friend" that I was done and that I didn't want her to come home.  She said, "too bad... .I've established residency in your home."  So, it essentially took me almost 5 months to get her out of my house.  It was awful.  I avoided her as best I could.  I had to begin legal eviction proceedings, even, to get her to get out of my house.  Once she realized I was serious about being "done", she vacillated between depression mode and rage mode.  In the middle of the night she would destroy things that I gave her over the years.  Keep in mind that I was sleeping in another bedroom and that we have children together, so my kids would hear her destroying and throwing things.  Other times, she would call me in the middle of the night crying, just to tell me, "I'll love you forever."  She would tell me how she can't imagine growing old and sitting on the front porch with anybody else than me.  It hurt to hear that, but I was already done.  And I had been doing therapy with my T for about three years at that point, so within a few weeks I was out of the B/S about feeling like it was my fault for "failing" her.  I realized this was all her borderline behavior, including the dramatic switch-flip when she knew she had me, when she moved back into my house.  I got to see it all unfold again, how she went from sweet and passionate to selfish and one-way and lying and cheating.  She even fooled around with our adult son's teenage friend.  Eventually, just to survive living under the same roof, I told her things she had said over the years to me, "Oh, we just married too young and weren't right for each other.  That's all.  And we tried as best we could."  That made her calm down a bit.  But since we share children, I still have to deal with her, and thought I am SO happy to not have to live with her or have a relationship with her, there is still drama quite often.  It's a matter of detaching and letting it blow over.  She hates that I think she is a bad person, but I can't do anything about that.  If someone doesn't want me to think they are a bad person, they shouldn't act like one.  One of the recent blow-ups and text-rants came the morning after likely seeing a picture of me and my girlfriend on FB (probably through my child's FB account or one of her cousins).  Her blow-up had nothing to do with my new girlfriend, of course, but was it coincidence that it happened right after that?  Probably not.

I don't have the luxury of No Contact, but I have zero desire to have her back or ever be pulled in, again.  Thank God.  It took a lot of growth and hard work with a T, and the grace of God.  My T reminds me to literally thank God because so many people are stuck on their BPD ex in some kind of mess, or screwed up love triangle, or simply pining away for them, for the rest of their lives.

[Infern0]

Yeah she won't leave me alone. I've failed when it comes to her i really have.

When she split me black I failed to stick to nc (she reached out)

I tried to be just friends,  failed

Tried to move away, failed

Tried to get her back,  failed

Tried to be friends again, failed

It's madness,  I found myself the other day actually trying to get answers from her,  what do you want from me? Hilarious.

I don't see what the end game is here but it certainly won't be a happy ending that's for sure,  I've crossed so many of my own boundaries when it comes to her. And the thing is even if we got back together,  I can't handle her,  I can't.  I don't trust her,  she scares me tbh.

Need to get away but it's hard enough doing that when they hate you, when they are telling you they love you and want things to be different and they need you etc it's nigh impossible to get away

[Inside]

... .came to my senses one night at her place and just left.  First time after 7 recycles that I initiated the break.  Sent her a ‘detailed’ email several days later trying to sort things out, after which she went NC.  Other than a couple business-like correspondences via snail or email, it’s remained NC of a year now!

Though my action wasn’t to punish or hurt her, it likely did.  And since after every break I’d felt immediate relief -- this time I went a good month feeling like that.  Maybe that was the difference when being the dumper - and not the dumpee  

Being away got harder, later, but there’d been enough bliss to realize it’s what had to be done, and that I could live without her.

[Caredverymuch]

A couple of questions.

Anyone here break away from their BPD before they were split black, or during a recycle?

How did you do it and what was the backlash?

I was split black and recycled several times prior to learning a thing about BPD. I found this forum like most of you. Trying desperately to understand that difficult roller coaster ride that made no sense. I really had no idea.

I recall reading for the very first time here. The hair on my neck literally stood on end. It was both reassuring that I was not crazy for feeling the immense hurt and at the same time devastating. Like reading a movie script.  

After reading just about everything here, the one thing I concluded on this board at least,  was there was not one example of recycling that had a better outcome.  Not one. I've said this before and will say it again.  If I had found even one post that gave light of such hope, I would have taken it.  My heart was still very raw when I arrived here and oh how I wanted hope. I wanted so much to believe it was going to all work out.  But my intellect took over. As one member said, a post indicating recycling worked for the better would be the most popular post on this board.

Can you find it? I still can't.

Once I took back my own self care, I stopped responding to any recycle/baiting attempt.  I used every suggestion here. NC, avoiding triggers as much as possible, self inventory, reading the disbeliefs that were keeping me stuck in false hope, and posting here when I felt weak, anxious, scared, hurt, and of course missing.

The backlash of not responding to attempts have been a distortion campaign and colder and more immature baitings. Nothing to show me I meant a thing.

I often think, if only the same effort could have been applied to appropriate behavior, respectful closure, respectful communications to touch base to see how I was, etc... .how things would have been different.

But, it's a disorder. And that's not part of it.

[Inside]

The less you look to her for answers, the less you look to her to save you from this pain. The less you will feel a need to talk to her.

Yes

[Inside]

I recall reading for the very first time here. The hair on my neck literally stood on end. It was both reassuring that I was not crazy for feeling the immense hurt and at the same time devastating. Like reading a movie script.

Same here... .

After reading just about everything here, the one thing I concluded on this board at least,  was there was not one example of recycling that had a better outcome.  Not one. I've said this before and will say it again.  If I had found even one post that gave light of such hope, I would have taken it.

7 recycles, each descending in length and quality…  This is the info I feel compelled to give newcomers…  But they’re still raw, and it would feel like alcohol on an open wound!  This seems a gauntlet for us Nons

I often think, if only the same effort could have been applied to appropriate behavior, respectful closure, respectful communications to touch base to see how I was, etc... .how things would have been different.

But, it's a disorder. And that's not part of it.

Well put....

[CareTaker]

how easy was it for you to go no contact?

I was fortunate in the sense I had time to detach. We where supposed to get engaged on Valentine's Day of this year. Two days before our engagement, she spent the afternoon at a guys house, for a photo shoot.   

You all know the story. A call centre operator who thinks she is a world top model. 

She only got home at 7pm, and said they took 100's of pics. Yet I was only shown about 10, and the rest where apparently deleted.

I was so hurt and disappointed. Simply because I caught her cheating on me once before, and she swore she would never do it again.

The next morning I told the jeweller to sell my ring to who ever wants it, and keep the money.

That was when I decided to get out. But on my terms, and my time.

I carried on playing her game, and pretending I was still in the relationship. I think she knew I was detaching. The fights became a daily happening. Insults, verbal abuse and then eventually being attacked with a bread knife.

By September I was ready to walk. And I did.

There was some hate mail just after I left, mainly to insult and belittle me, but I was conditioned for it. Also in her mail I was told that she found my replacement, and made a new friend as well. I was happy she actually made a new friend. She has none, as they all left and blocked her.

Since then it has been no contact. To make things easier for me, I did loads of reading. I wanted to know why I fell in love with this lunatic. Why after falling out of love, I was still addicted to it. I wanted to know exactly what had happened to me over a period of 3 years.

This is very important, because we change for the worst being involved with these people. I still have the odd day that I miss something. Not her. I miss that pedestal period. But then I realize that I was a victim of circumstance at the time, and I thought she was the solution. That was a mistake. You cannot fix loneliness by filling it with something outside of you. You have to first be happy within yourself, (love yourself) to have a fulfilling relationship.

If you don't love yourself or have co-dependency issues, you attract dysfunctional people.

So if anyone here finds they still attracted to an abusive person, then the fault is within you. Fix that first, and you will be amazed at the results.

[Pingo]

Yeah she won't leave me alone. I've failed when it comes to her i really have.

When she split me black I failed to stick to nc (she reached out)

I tried to be just friends,  failed

Tried to move away, failed

Tried to get her back,  failed

Tried to be friends again, failed

It's madness,  I found myself the other day actually trying to get answers from her,  what do you want from me? Hilarious.

I don't see what the end game is here but it certainly won't be a happy ending that's for sure,  I've crossed so many of my own boundaries when it comes to her. And the thing is even if we got back together,  I can't handle her,  I can't.  I don't trust her,  she scares me tbh.

Need to get away but it's hard enough doing that when they hate you, when they are telling you they love you and want things to be different and they need you etc it's nigh impossible to get away

Inferno, I've been through lots of r/ss, many BU's, some initiated by me, some them, I've been dumped a month before my wedding (16 yrs ago), been abandoned 3 mths pregnant, went through a divorce... .NOTHING has been harder to get through than detaching from my uBPDexh!  Don't beat yourself up for 'failing'!  This is ___ing hard! 

I attempted (threatened) to BU with my ex many times throughout the 4 yrs we were together but he'd always convince me to change my mind before he actually left.  Then I finally succeeded in getting him out last February only to let him back 2 mths later!  What a regret!  It wasn't long that I knew I had made a huge mistake and had to go through the wretched process of getting him out of my home a second time!  Once out he was seeing someone and was content with NC, even ignoring me trying to get my snow tires and other stuff back from him.  I had to finally go spend $600 on new snow tires.  It snowed here today for the first time this year and ironically now he's been trying to contact me!  Guess his supply has buggered off!  "He still loves me"... .he admits he's been an "a$$shole"!  He's emailed 3 times and texted me.  I'm sticking to NC so far, my anger is keeping me motivated!

You have to figure out what the end game is going to be for you Inferno.  Stop letting her dictate whether you fail or succeed.  You have a right to happiness and a joyful life.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Finally did it myself. Im almost at the 2 week mark.

Lemme tell you its been tough. Im currently struggling with the guilt of abandonment.

To make matters worse she contacted wed/thurs. Sent a bunch of pics of us together. My heart broke.

Still i stayed strong and didnt respond. I know either she was upping the ante due to the distant nature of my last response or due to them associating the pain of longing with loving felt she was "in love" with me at that moment.

The last text she sent was "stop ignoring me!" Been three days almost and nothing so far.

I wont cave though even if she does try again. I cant. Being friends doesnt work with her.

Yeah it may be fun at some points, hell even enjoyable. But most times were in contact i feel as if i have to suppress so much pain.

As my T said "im afraid if you end up staying with her that you wont ever be able to be true to yourself."

Hes 100% correct. I have to hide a large part of myself when we talk. I have to pretend that nothing ever happened. All the lieing, cheating, gaslighting, and general abuse has to be disassociated from my memories. Which takes such a toll with the amount of energy i have to exert in the process.  

And i guess the final straw for me was her making it yet again about her on my birthday. The one day of the year that i was hoping shed actually recognize me for once. No happy birthday just a demand for contact.

Thats when i finally realized how truly selfish and narcissistic this girl is. And truly feel she doesnt know me at all. Im just another empty vessel to draw supply and validation from. Plain and simple.

Also helped me accept that the selfless, loving, and caring person she presented herself as never existed and for me thats what really sealed the deal. The fantasy shattered and with it any semblance of hope i once held.

But its not easy. I feel a part of her intertwined in my soul. That will never leave and i will always love her regardless of if that person she presented truly exists.

For my sanity though i have to love her from a distance.

[Craydar]

A couple of questions.

Anyone here break away from their BPD before they were split black, or during a recycle?

How did you do it and what was the backlash?

Yes, after a one recycle I started to put up boundaries. She was still up to her tricks and games. She wouldn't return my calls or see me in person for some fabricated issue so I srnt her an email.  The next day I got a long email back saying it was too bad we couldn't talk like adults (?what the heck?). The following day the texts arrived starting at 6 Am. And went on and on like a roller coaster of emotions. When I finally contacted her, she wanted to talk. I said I was busy that day but she kept calling and drove to my place 30 min away that night. I wasn't there which freaked her out. The next day we got together. She appologized (sort of) and we hung out all day. Three days later she texted that we were done. She's the one that had to do it. There's more, but that's the jist.

[BorisAcusio]

After our last recycle, which was a 3 months downward spiral without any platues. I am actually releived not to have any contact with her. The uncertanity, the unbearable feeling of anxiety, the knot in the stomach is gone. No more drama, negativity, waiting for her imminent breakdown. 

[harbour]

Finally did it myself. Im almost at the 2 week mark.

Lemme tell you its been tough. Im currently struggling with the guilt of abandonment.

To make matters worse she contacted wed/thurs. Sent a bunch of pics of us together. My heart broke.

Still i stayed strong and didnt respond. I know either she was upping the ante due to the distant nature of my last response or due to them associating the pain of longing with loving felt she was "in love" with me at that moment.

The last text she sent was "stop ignoring me!" Been three days almost and nothing so far.

I wont cave though even if she does try again. I cant. Being friends doesnt work with her.

Good, very good that you stay strong. She plays on your emotions trying to get you back. So does mine now. I Broke up 6 days ago, in a letter, and I didn't hear from him until last night. Lots of messages. I sent him one message, only about some practical we need to sort out, all his stuff at my place. I still love him, I am afraid of him, I feel sorry for him, and I feel guilt.

As my T said "im afraid if you end up staying with her that you wont ever be able to be true to yourself."

Hes 100% correct. I have to hide a large part of myself when we talk. I have to pretend that nothing ever happened. All the lieing, cheating, gaslighting, and general abuse has to be disassociated from my memories. Which takes such a toll with the amount of energy i have to exert in the process.

Exactly! That was the reason why I broke up with him. I saw that I had started to hold back my feelings and thoughts. I could not be true to myself in this relationship, and I realized that if I stayed, I could there would be increasingly less of me. And that was not going to stop, no matter what I did or not did.

But its not easy. I feel a part of her intertwined in my soul. That will never leave and i will always love her regardless of if that person she presented truly exists.

Same here. It is not easy at all. When he sends me messages like: "I can imagine how much sorrow and many sad thoughts it gives your dear mother that you don't want to be together with me any more, and we therefore are not going to spend Christmas together." And "You hurt - in the midst of all your loving and honest and sincere being... ." And "PLEASE BE NICE NOT TO NEED TO BE LIKE ICE."

My stomach hurts. Everything hurts. I wish I could make him see that I am not like ice inside. That I love him, but that there is no love that is so strong that I would be willing to sacrifice my precious self for. But that is impossible. He is not able to see or understand that, because his feelings are so overwhelming that he is drowning in it. He is like a terrified, lost and hurt little boy. He is out of reach. If it had been possible, I would answer him and communicate with him.  That, I think, is some of the most hurtful and difficult about not answering him. And because I love him.

[hergestridge]

I had great help from having read this site for a year before it happened earlier this year.

For the first week I was confused and I was open to have her back.

Then I set firm boundaries. I pick up and leave our daughter at her place. No talking about anything besides our daughter. I just pick her up and leave.

I don't pick up the phone when she calls. I answer to text messages, but only if they are relevant and about something that I need to answer.

We are friends on facebook, but I don't comment or "like". If she comments or "likes" something I posts I pretend as if nothing.

If she sends messages like "good luck" or "congratulations" I reply with a "thank you" because I hate being impolite.

She does try to break boundaries. She calls me up from other numbers, crying "... .just to hear my voice". I have told her not to do this.

When we meet she suggest we meet sometime because "... .we need to talk.". I don't reply to this, I just leave. If she wants to bring something up she can very well send me text and let me know.

"... .we need to talk." is one of the things I don't have to put up with when I am no longer in a relationship with her. It used to be bad news.

She seems to have a new boyfriend BTW.

As a conlcusion, it was much easier than I thought. And my wish to go NC was much stronger than I thought. I really felt I didn't want nothing to do with her or her life and that I just wanted to get on with mine.

[Earthbayne]

This time? Very easy.

The time before this, went a few weeks, but it kinda sucked.

The time before that, not bad, but it only lasted a week.

The time before that, 2 days.

The time before that, 24 hours.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not NC with my exbf; I'm LC, but I have never initiated contact, only he has. This happens about once every 6-8 weeks and is typically a brief, neutral exchange.

Was it easy for me not to contact him after the breakup? Hell no. Luckily neither he nor I have FB or any other social media, so there wasn't temptation there. But it was still excruciatingly hard at first. Every day dragged on like torture.

Until one day it didn't, and before I realized it, I wasn't even thinking about contacting him. Yes, I still thought about him, and I still missed him and grieved the loss of our relationship and friendship, but not contacting him felt normal.

It's only gotten easier, so far. Even with his occasional contacts. I feel no desire to reach out to him in any way. Instead, I am free from worrying about and focusing on him, so that I can work on healing and bettering myself.

[RisingSun]

Hardest thing I ever done in my life. But one of the best things I've done for myself.

I've been NC for over 5 months. Not one slip up.

Haven't responded to email/text/phone. Haven't looked at social media. And haven't asked mutual friends how/what she's doing.

[Mr Hollande]

For me it wasn't a case of hard or easy, it was the only available option once it got to what it got to. Anything else only meant further pain and humiliation.