Now he pesters my old mother.

[harbour]

My ex (6 days) is desperate, because I don't respond to his messages. So he is now pestering my 85 years old mother sending her weird messages to her mobile. I told her to ignore them and delete them. She adored him. She met him twice, and then he was very charming as he can be. What he is doing now of course makes her sorry and worried. I told her that he is mentally disturbed, but I lied telling her that he is harmless, that he would never do harm to me or anybody. Just to avoid her being scared. She doesn't know about his violent past of course. The messages are very weird and personal, e.g. about her and my father (he died 20 years ago): I have told him things that I would be awfully sorry if he let her know about. It would hurt her deeply. I hope he won't do it. But I am so worried. It is not reasonable to ask her to change the number. It is a huge thing for her to do, and she is not ready take such a dramatic step.

He is obviously pressing me very hard now to make me respond. Do you have any ideas what I could do about this?

[harbour]

I have kept NC since I broke up (8 days ago). After 4 days he sent me several desperate messages. Nothing for the last few days. Now my cousin and her husband offered me to bring his stuff to his place on Saturday.  Four days ago he sent me a message telling me to keep all his stuff as a "love gift". I didn't respond to that. But I don't want it here. Then he would have an excuse to contact me, and even come to my home. Besides, these things are very dear to him, very personal stuff. There is a lot, three big boxes. 

So I will have to send him a message to tell him that I don't want his stuff, and ask him if he is home on Saturday around 5, because my cousin and her husband will then bring it to his place on Saturday. I really don't like to break NC and disturb "the peace". But I don't see any alternative.

[camuse]

You don't HAVE to. He said he doesn't want it, you could choose to throw it out.

If you break NC it will be your choice. Personally I'd bin the lot, and let him know so he has no reason to return.

[harbour]

My ex (8 days) gave my mother three tickets for a ballet the day before Christmas, at her birthday in november. For the three of us. Now, that I broke up with him, my mother prefers to stay home for Christmas (300 km. away). I told him that in a message, and that I therefore had sent the tickets to him, otherwise they were wasted.

He has sent my mother several messages in the weekend. Today she called me and told me that he had sent her the tickets, another present and a heart-breaking letter, loving, grateful, "wish you with all my heart a merry Christmas... ." etc. She didn't feel good about it of course. She wanted to send him a Christmas card and thank him. But I am not sure that is a good idea. I am so sorry that he drags my mother into my affairs with him. I don't know what to do about it. Should she react? Should I? He doesn't think logically.

He has a kind of mania with gifts. When we were together he spent a lot of time sending letters and gifts to many people. Also to people he was not close to. He has a huge debt because of that. He got very hurt when he got no thanks or anything from the ones he sent these gifts. It breaks my heart when I think of his disappointment, when he doesn't get a word from my mother. I know you will say that that is exactly what he is aiming at. But as I said, he has this mania about giving gifts, and he put a lot of effort in it.

Oh, this is just too hard to deal with. He will not understand why I don't answer him at all, when he wishes me all the best etc. in his messages, and why my mother doesn't say thank you for the letter and the gift. I feel miserable about this. Not that I broke up with him. I am not afraid that I could go back to him. It is this totally NC. It is not me. It is not normal or nice to be this way.

[Skip]

I am not afraid that I could go back to him. It is this totally NC. It is not me. It is not normal or nice to be this way.

So go to Controlled Contact.  It's really the best place to start.

Mom can certainly send him a tank you note.  Its a nice gift, it was given before the breakup, and she did not break up with him, you did.  Just ask both of them) that there is no discussion about you or the relationship.

[harbour]

How does controlled contact look like?

[Pingo]

I would just text him and say they're dropping it off, they'll leave it at the door if he's not home. I know what you mean about not wanting to hang on to any of it as he'll just come back later for it. I was also told by friends to toss his stuff but didn't feel good doing that. But it is your right to not chase him down to give him his stuff. An alternate is to let the friend contact him?