Struggling to carry on after losing gf

[Fernando2826]

I have recently experienced the ending of an extremely intense 6 month relationship which, I have been told by a marriage counsellor friend, bore the hallmarks of a BPD relationship. I do not have BPD but have what I believe to be a somewhat complimentary personality (not for the right reasons perhaps) - that of the co-dependent, low self-esteem depressive.

My now ex-girlfriend, 20, and I were involved for 6 months. The relationship was very intense, particularly in the last few months - we went on an amazing holiday, lived together for a few weeks and spent almost every night and many days together.

After around 3 months, she told me that she loved me. I felt a deep connection to her but was unsure that it was love. She would refer to me as her “soulmate", tell me that she wanted to spend her life with me (during particularly emotional times i.e. after sex), wishfully discussed our future lives and said, in all seriousness, that she would want to move to Australia with me after university. She even stated that she would be uncertain about an abortion if she were to become pregnant. She discussed our Christmas together later in the year and our children in ten years.

Now, I was concerned about her suitability for a long-term relationship, given that she cheated on her ex-bf – she explained that they didn’t see one another frequently enough due to university separation and that, after a year of only once monthly visits, she got bored and fell out of love with, and cheated on him.

What compounded my doubts was her saying that she hadn’t felt guilty about this ending because she didn't love him anymore, despite her knowledge that he loved her still. She also said that she often wondered whether he had been the love of her life, but later on in our relationship said that she had never had a connection with him such as we had.

In addition to this, I was concerned by her love for attention and highly flirtatious nature. She adored sex (and was highly promiscuous when younger), is a middle adult child of divorce – her father cheated on several partners including her mother – and has gone to university to study drama, with the aim of becoming an actress (not that this is indicative of anything necessarily but could be symptomatic of a need for attention in certain cases).

After 6 incredible months together, we both departed for university. We discussed ending things but agreed that we wanted to try a distance relationship as we couldn’t bear the thought. She did, however, say that she was “terrified of messing things up” and recreating past “self-sabotaging behaviours” but couldn’t imagine doing that to me. She said that she was afraid that I might meet someone, a medic (my course) with whom she could not compete, but trusted me “with her life”.

During our time apart, she initially spoke of her excitement over seeing me in the coming weeks, seeing me for Christmas and passionately expressed her love – “I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I love you”, “you’re my world”, “I miss your mind, body and soul” – although I think she was made more emotional by alcohol on several of these occasions. I received several drunken phone calls during which she stated that she was desperate for things to work, that she wanted/felt she needed me to be there to reassure her, that she missed me a great deal and loved me intensely. However, when I called during the day, I received the same luke-warm reactions I would upon initial face-to-face encounter. Within days of this, by around 3 weeks of separation, she had stopped making any effort to contact me and I would not receive responses to messages/phone calls for 24 hours.

I visited her days later. She became slightly teary upon seeing me but then proceeded to more or less ignore me, to show next to no enthusiasm for my presence (almost annoyance), to text her new friends in front of me and to say that she didn't have the “emotional capacity” to make our relationship work alongside her time-demanding course. She was largely dispassionate the entire time we discussed this – showing almost no emotion as she suggested a break. After me asking whether something had happened, she admitted that she had been invited back to another guy's house and had slept in his bed, cuddling all night, but swore in an impassioned manner that nothing more intimate had happened. Whether I believe her, I have no idea.

It turned out that she had been flirtatiously texting this guy in front of me the entire time I was there – suggesting she would visit him during the Summer and telling him how awkward things had become with us. Even as we ended things she picked up the phone to text him. Furthermore, the only enthusiasm she showed was when he responded to a message.

She made me promise that we could revisit things at Christmas or at some stage in the near future, we had sex and then I mentioned some of my most treasured memories of our time together, resulting in a great many tears on her part. She couldn’t bring herself to say “goodbye” to me and closed with “I’ll see you soon”. It seemed so odd considering her cold and unconcerned attitude just hours earlier.

During our relationship, she would rarely show great enthusiasm and was extremely laid back, like myself. A typical evening might involve a luke-warm reception (no smile or hug unless instigated by me) and somewhat difficult conversation to which I would contribute the majority of the impetus. Gradually, the level of intimacy and affection would increase – a kiss, cuddling on the sofa, sex and then intimate conversation. If we parted in the morning, the next visit would proceed similarly. We never fought and she rarely showed any anger, hating confrontation. She would show annoyance and impatience but denied ever feeling jealousy.

She seemed to be very loving and affectionate during the right moments i.e. watching a movie/in bed/after sex (particularly during the latter stages) but could also be disinterested and condescending. She could also be quite selfish - "forgetting her wallet", buying expensive items despite owing me money that I was in need of etc.

She said that before she met me she found it very difficult to open up to people emotionally, even to her previous boyfriend of 2 years, and had never discussed her previous issues surrounding eating disorders, her parents’ divorce and her issues with self-image (she was very conscious of her weight and looks and had previously suffered from an eating disorder).

uBPDex often said that she thought of herself as an individual, not needing to be part of a group and not wanting to depend on people and made a fierce show of being independent.

She frequently said that she wished we had met after university/that she wanted a future with me, due to her propensity to engage in "self-sabotaging behaviours" – cheating, promiscuity in younger days, drug taking and going out drinking - and was scared of ruining our relationship. She also frequently said that she was afraid that I was going to meet someone at university.

But at the same time, she said that, since being at university, she rarely thought of me. She immediately started “seeing” the guy she shared a bed with after we parted.

How is it that she could have moved on (new partner & seeming so happy)/given up on a relationship of such apparent intensity so quickly?

When I received midnight phone calls saying how she "so wanted it to work" and how she was "so afraid" I was going to meet someone, was this an indication that she was grieving for the relationship, subconsciously knowing it wouldn't work, hence her apparent quick recovery?

Or is she just finding it very easy to ignore the situation (hence the emotion shown when I was actually present) - she said she rarely thinks of home and doesn't miss it, wouldn't rather be anywhere else than her dream current university etc. – drama, leading to a career in acting.

I’m not sure whether she feels love to a limited extent, hence the quick recovery/loss of interest, or has an ability to just “go cold” on partners? Neither of these seems to explain how she stayed with, and stayed faithful to, her last bf (who she apparently had nothing near the same connection with and doubted her love for) for a year, despite only seeing one another once a month. I believe that we would still be together had it not been for her going to university (even if I had) so could it just be the lack of a familiar support network – new environment, new people, new challenges, new stresses etc. meaning a heightened desire for a new partner?

Does she just like the novel? Is this a grass is greener situation? Or was our relationship just a honeymoon situation? Did she ever actually love me – to a normal extent or to her own capacity for such a feeling?

I must stress that she only ever showed certain symptoms of BPD, namely: hypersexuality, risk-taking behaviours, very intense expressions of emotion, quick loss of interest and relocation to new suitor. I never saw any signs of rage or anger yet the waif description doesn't sound quite right.

Would love to hear your views and my apologies for the length of this post.

[Mutt]

 

Hi Fernando2826,

I would like to welcome you. It's painful, confusing and heartbreaking when a r/s with a pwBPD abruptly and suddenly ends and you're ignored as if you don't exist. I'm sorry. Things as you recount ramp up very quickly and you start to see the red flags. I can relate when you say a complimentary personality. I'm co-dependent as well.

She raised a red flag with the lack of empathy with her exBF she got bored and cheated on him. Again it was her concern for love and highly flirtatious nature that raised another red flag.

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

I'm sorry for the painful and profoundly confusing experience you are going through Fernando2826. Many of our members share a similar experience and I can relate when your partner is making you feel like your walking on eggshells with being warm and very cold. It feels like she turned off a light switch was turned off when you had a long history with her and she's moved unto to someone else. It's tough.

I'm happy that you have found us.

The behavior is called splitting and idealization / devaluation.

In psychoanalytic theory, when an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.

In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

How long have you been seperated? Do you have contact?

[Fernando2826]

Hi Mutt, thanks for the reply.

We've been separated for 2 months now. She's contacted me twice on fb to chat. Both times I've kept it short and have since removed her.

I can say with certainty that the way she treated me was dreadful, but continue to wonder whether it is BPD or whether she is simply immature, cowardly, selfish and cold. What troubles me is the idea of the hot/cold periods - her warm periods were very marked - all praise, exaggerated, even embarassing - but her cold periods were more subtle - she was ordinarily quite sarcastic and dismissive as an individual - so I am finding them more difficult to define. There were two periods of a 2-4 days where i didn't hear from her at all, during one she even kissed another guy!

Another thing that bothers me is that none of her family/friends know anything about her behaviours so they think she's God's gift. They couldn't understand our breakup and still try to contact me.

[Mutt]

Hi Fernando2826,

I understand. A facet of the disorder is emotional immaturity. I met my ex when she was 23 and she left right before she was 30 and she's 32 now. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a child with her behaviors and the way she talked and treated mw. She's the same person I met 9 years ago albeit it she treats me very different today. That said I'm not aware if she's diagnosed or not. I'm not qualified to make a medical diagnosis. That's up to the professionals.

On the other hand she has borderline personality disorder traits. I have a right to have boundaries to protect myself from negative actions and behaviors from other people.

Let's take a look at your exe's hot and cold periods and I'll explain the way I see with your description. A person with borderline personality disorder have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life. They see life in either all white or all black. What I mean is idealizing or devaluating the world and people in it. Now splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that works in her subconscious to protect her from anxiety and stress. It's arrested self development from trauma onset at an early age in life.

She sees you as either "all good" or "all bad" or "overvalues" you and "undervalues" you. It's frustrating and painful when your treated with exaggerated praise. It feels like your put on a pedestal only to be knocked off that same pedestal perhaps within minutes or several hours later with sarcasm and emotional immaturity ( name calling. swearing and devaluating you )

Did you notice a pattern where she did this exaggerated praise early in the honeymoon and then this other side of her came out after the honeymoon? Was she putting you on a pedestal a d knocking you off the pedestal?

I also understand what your saying with family as many of our members do. I'm sorry. There could be several possibilities. What's the back story on her family?

[Mr.Downtrodden]

This situation pretty much mirrors the relationship I had with my uBPDexgf.

We lived apart, she desired us to be together, I would move to live with her, etc.

Hypersexual, high functioning alcoholic, burying traumas, texting other guys 24/7. All BPD traits.  Check.

Mine never raged or went ballistic.  She would get aggressive and impulsive when drinking, but acted perfectly normal to everyone else who was not close to her, like I was.


It hurts now, but trust me, your relationship is doomed to fail should you go back.

[Fernando2826]

Hi Fernando2826,

I understand. A facet of the disorder is emotional immaturity. I met my ex when she was 23 and she left right before she was 30 and she's 32 now. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a child with her behaviors and the way she talked and treated mw. She's the same person I met 9 years ago albeit it she treats me very different today. That said I'm not aware if she's diagnosed or not. I'm not qualified to make a medical diagnosis. That's up to the professionals.

On the other hand she has borderline personality disorder traits. I have a right to have boundaries to protect myself from negative actions and behaviors from other people.

Let's take a look at your exe's hot and cold periods and I'll explain the way I see with your description. A person with borderline personality disorder have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life. They see life in either all white or all black. What I mean is idealizing or devaluating the world and people in it. Now splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that works in her subconscious to protect her from anxiety and stress. It's arrested self development from trauma onset at an early age in life.

She sees you as either "all good" or "all bad" or "overvalues" you and "undervalues" you. It's frustrating and painful when your treated with exaggerated praise. It feels like your put on a pedestal only to be knocked off that same pedestal perhaps within minutes or several hours later with sarcasm and emotional immaturity ( name calling. swearing and devaluating you )

Did you notice a pattern where she did this exaggerated praise early in the honeymoon and then this other side of her came out after the honeymoon? Was she putting you on a pedestal a d knocking you off the pedestal?

I also understand what your saying with family as many of our members do. I'm sorry. There could be several possibilities. What's the back story on her family?

Thanks for your thoughs, Mutt, it really is much appreciated. My ex disliked confrontation so she never really engaged in name-calling or swearing. I don't know if these count as devaluating behaviours but if I did anything to annoy her she might respond with annoyance (although not anger - never shouting etc), sarcasm, lack of contact, lack of enthusiasm for me and my presence.

When she praised me, it was often of the nature of "you're the perfect man", "you're an adonis", "you're seriously good-looking", then it could also be "I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "it's like I've met my soulmate".

Having said that, even during these periods of seeing me as the perfect guy, it wasn't necessarily "all-good", for example she might say "you've got a great body, but your arms could be a little bigger" etc. Does this refute the diagnosis?

We were together for 6 months, the first 3 of which we only saw one another around twice a week. The final 3 months we saw one another almost every day but these months were the true honeymoon period so I suppose we didn't leave it until we went away and she lost interest. The exaggerated praise was throughout most of the 6 months. The "other side" was difficult to separate from her normal self quite often but as mentioned was more sarcasm, seeming disinterest in engaging with me etc. Very subtle if it was there.

Her father left her mother for another woman whilst she was young, I suppose around 6-8. She had 2 sisters and helped in looking after them. Her mother was single for a time. Her father then met another woman, who my gf liked a lot, but cheated on her also.

This situation pretty much mirrors the relationship I had with my uBPDexgf.

We lived apart, she desired us to be together, I would move to live with her, etc.

Hypersexual, high functioning alcoholic, burying traumas, texting other guys 24/7. All BPD traits.  Check.

Mine never raged or went ballistic.  She would get aggressive and impulsive when drinking, but acted perfectly normal to everyone else who was not close to her, like I was.


It hurts now, but trust me, your relationship is doomed to fail should you go back.

Hi Downtrodden, thanks for the comment.

My gf was hypersexual most definitely - promiscuous and cheated on me after 2 weeks apart, cheated on her ex - took drugs but only with her wilder friends and only on occasion, had definitely buried traumas relating to parents divorce and eating disorders and was still texting her ex although nothing incriminating and only infrequently. She did get texts from other guys coming onto her but she rarely seemed to spur it on.

She was definitely impulsive and uncaring when drinking but not aggressive. When the alcohol started to wear off she would get quite sentimental and emotional.