Finally angry - it only took me two years

[lipstick]

Hi family,

Well - I'm finally fuming angry after two years post-discard. Talk about a late bloomer!  

I think what is still nagging at me is that he gets off scot-free with no repercussions for his actions towards others. I had been hearing from mutual acquaintances that he's roared back to life on Facebook (I'm blocked by him) and has been posting non-stop since the end of September. Everything from posting pics of his new hobby (photography) to going on about family, love, togetherness at the holidays, blah, blah, blah. I admit - I used my mom's account and peeked. They are right. Yikes!  He's been quiet on FB for two years. Now - kaBlam!

He has a small group of sycophants (mostly enabling family members) that will always "like" anything and everything he posts. So he gets his "fix" thru them (validation).  From what I can see - he's on there from early afternoon to late into the night (way after midnight).

What ticks me off is that he's living it up with no remorse or guilt over the rotten things he's done!  People tell me to relax - that he's not happy or he wouldn't be constantly on Facebook. But I'm not buying it.

What do you think, gang?  False front? Attempt to convince everyone that he's happy when he's not? Do they create a facade on FB to make others think life is grand?

I honestly want to punch him in the throat... .grrrrrrrr !   I know the anger will pass. But I just get so angry when I think about what he gets away with.

Okay - deep breath now.  Thanks for putting up with my ranting!  

[Targeted]

He's trying to prove to anyone who will believe it that his world is perfect!

My exUBPDgf does the same thing. Her life has to suck with as many men

As she discards,  people catch on.

[lipstick]

Caresaboutsomeone,

Thank you for your response. I would truly like to believe that. That he's "fronting". I myself don't find FB all that interesting. I certainly wouldn't be on there from dusk to dawn.

Maybe it's his whole world? I'd like that... .

I'm just curious to know if it's normal to be on FB 24/7?  Why would you want to? From what I saw of his postings - he seems rather frantic (if that makes any sense).

[guy4caligirl]

He is not happy it's just a façade face book is the perfect place for him to act ?

[lipstick]

guy4caligirl,

Do you truly think so?  I have my doubts... .but I guess it's possible.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Anger is good... .to put it more precisely... .Righteous Anger is good. 

For its opposite is depression.

An angry spirit implies readiness for change.  Readiness for implementing the change that it deems to be right.

So, listen to your anger... .hear what it is telling you.

And then use that energy to implement that which it is telling you to do... .something for your own welfare.

Anger that tells a person to kill someone else or to hurt an innocent person... .is not anger... .it is rage... .

Anger is not damaging nor destructive... .Rage is.

Use your anger, use it well.

[lipstick]

Well, I don't want to injure him... .perhaps a tiny kick in the knees?

Not really. Just wondering if he's trying to weave of picture of something that isn't real. And why?

[Caredverymuch]

Well, I don't want to injure him... .perhaps a tiny kick in the knees?

Not really. Just wondering if he's trying to weave of picture of something that isn't real. And why?

Of course he is.  Why? He has a weak at most identity, and relies on immense validation. Facebook is the perfect palate for that. It is another form of triangulation.

[lipstick]

Caredverymuch,

Dunno. He's going on about how this is the start of he and the spouse's anniversary week. Together (except for me) twenty-six years at the end of this week. When we were together - he was supposed to be divorcing and claimed he felt nothing for her except affection like for a friend (she's much older than him). Now he's posting like they're newlyweds. And it's an abusive relationship. I'm so confused.

I'm beginning to believe he doesn't have BPD. Sure seems normal to me. I guess I really didn't mean anything to him after all.

[willtimeheal]

My ex started posting stuff on Facebook and it was a knife right thru my heart. Everything is just so perfect in her world and I gotta tell you... .It pisses me off and it also makes me feel very bad about myself. I talked about it with my therapist the other day... .I talked about how my self esteem is talking a hit due to the happiness posts here is what my therapist said... .It is a front.  It is a way to put on a show for people.  Anyone can fake happiness in a picture or post. When people are truly happy they don't post it for the world to see. People who are truly happy don't need to sell it to the world. They post here and there but most of their truly happy moments are private. They don't need to sell or convince.

I really want to believe what my therapist told me because he thought of her happy and me miserable makes me want to vomit.

[lipstick]

My ex started posting stuff on Facebook and it was a knife right thru my heart. Everything is just so perfect in her world and I gotta tell you... .It pisses me off and it also makes me feel very bad about myself. I talked about it with my therapist the other day... .I talked about how my self esteem is talking a hit due to the happiness posts here is what my therapist said... .It is a front.  It is a way to put on a show for people.  Anyone can fake happiness in a picture or post. When people are truly happy they don't post it for the world to see. People who are truly happy don't need to sell it to the world. They post here and there but most of their truly happy moments are private. They don't need to sell or convince.

I really want to believe what my therapist told me because he thought of her happy and me miserable makes me want to vomit.

WillTimeHeal,

Trust me - I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm two years out and it still hurts like hell. I'm way better that I was - but I just don't get why he's suddenly doing all of this. It's certainly not for my benefit. I've been blocked on FB by him since last December. He's suddenly acting like the world's best husband / devoted family man, etc...

Now the latest is how it's going to be a "week-long anniversary celebration" for he and the spouse. This coming from the same man that called his spouse "Her Asshat Majesty". I... .just... .don't... .get... .it.  Everything about him screams BPD - but now he's acting normal.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch,

Dunno. He's going on about how this is the start of he and the spouse's anniversary week. Together (except for me) twenty-six years at the end of this week. When we were together - he was supposed to be divorcing and claimed he felt nothing for her except affection like for a friend (she's much older than him). Now he's posting like they're newlyweds. And it's an abusive relationship. I'm so confused.

I'm beginning to believe he doesn't have BPD. Sure seems normal to me. I guess I really didn't mean anything to him after all.

How many ppl do you know who are solidly content and happy that need solicit on FB.   So many of the ppl I know who did that are now divorced.  Sorry, FB is not the first place to post peaceful reality. 

I was in a 25 yr marriage w spouse with  NPD.  I posted the same. Its a form of "if I say it, it can become true."   It was never truth.  Was belief. 

And, I am no longer w my spouse.

[vortex of confusion]

A bunch of super happy posts on Facebook does not mean that a person is happy. I find that I use FB most when I am unhappy. I find that most of the time I post silly random stuff that strikes me as interesting.

As to why he is posting all of that stuff like everything is all perfect, there is no telling. I know that there are times when I will post stuff to keep people off my back. For example, I wanted to stay as far away from my Family of Origin over Thanksgiving as possible. I had a couple of different invites but declined them both. I know how my family works. If I hadn't posted pictures of me and the kids playing at home, other people would make crap up. Everybody had already told everybody else where I was going and what I was doing even though I had no intentions of doing any of it. All I wanted was to stay home and stay out of all of that BS.

So, there could be a whole host of reasons that he is posting a bunch of happy stuff. Maybe you were not the only person that he had on the side and that is his way of telling different people that he is no longer available. Heck, it could be something he is doing at his wife's insistence. I know that there have been times when my husband has acted like he didn't even have a family when posting on FB. I have brought it up because it seems so odd that I post pics of me and the kids and share stuff so that out of town family members can see how the kids are growing. At different times, my husband has posted happy/sappy crap to try to draw me in or prove something to the world (his family and friends). His friends and family have no friggin' idea how he is because he puts on this big show for them. Maybe he is putting on a show for people so that he can leave his wife or paint her black with good justification. If he is putting it out there for all to see and she tries to do something, then he can tell everybody how horrible and ungrateful she is because he did blah, blah, blah for her.

[lipstick]

CaredVeryMuch,

I do recall that you were in a long-term marriage with a BPD spouse. If it isn't too painful - can you provide some insight into why he's acting like they're newlyweds again after all these years?  Just to create a facade? That behind closed doors it's a much different story?

If it's too difficult to discuss - I completely understand.  

[lipstick]

VortexOfConfusion,

Much of what you say makes sense. I do know there was no one else on the side when we were together. Although I think he was triangulating me with the wife. They have a very volatile relationship and I think they like it that way. Not my cup of tea.

I didn't add that he still stalks my FB page from an alternate account that he has. I put up a status on Thanksgiving that basically threw him under the bus without mentioning his name. But he would have understood it was about him if he read it. The ensuing comments from friends were not complimentary of him or his actions towards me. It's remotely possible that he saw that and is reacting to it. Maybe a stretch there - but you never know.

[vortex of confusion]

VortexOfConfusion,

Much of what you say makes sense. I do know there was no one else on the side when we were together. Although I think he was triangulating me with the wife. They have a very volatile relationship and I think they like it that way. Not my cup of tea.

I didn't add that he still stalks my FB page from an alternate account that he has. I put up a status on Thanksgiving that basically threw him under the bus without mentioning his name. But he would have understood it was about him if he read it. The ensuing comments from friends were not complimentary of him or his actions towards me. It's remotely possible that he saw that and is reacting to it. Maybe a stretch there - but you never know.

You can make your FB profile pretty private so that only people that are on your friends list can see your stuff. I try to have mine locked down pretty tight because of crazies from my Family of Origin.

It could have been a reaction to what you posted or it could have been some other reason entirely. It is so difficult to figure out why some people do anything. If you knew the reason, a light bulb would go off and it would probably make a lot of sense. However, figuring out the reason is next to impossible so it doesn't make sense to even try.

I also wanted to address the question about why a couple that had been married so long would act like newlyweds. I have been with my husband for 16.5 years. I have likened it to a roller coaster ride with lots of hills and valleys and dips and turns. Before I ever found out about BPD, I did a lot of research about ways to spice things up and how to build up your spouse and stuff like that. One of the recommendations was to praise them and let them know how much you appreciate them. I did an exercise at one point where I would deliberately look for things that my husband did that were good. Then, I would most something on FB about it and would praise him and brag on him publicly. I wasn't trying to create a false image. I was trying to build him up and make sure that I wasn't being too negative or anything like that. It made my husband feel really great but it did create a false image of us having the perfect marriage when the reality was that I was miserable and was grasping at whatever straws I could to try to fix things and make them better.

[lipstick]

VortexOfConfusion,

Thank you for the FB tip. Yes, I know I can make it private. Honestly, a part of me enjoys that he looks and I hope that it stings him just a bit.

He has been slowly ramping up this behavior over several months. Since around June, I believe. Ever since he had a schoolgirl hissy-fit over a gift I bought for my ex-husband. We divorced because of my BPDex. Now reconciled after a year or so. But I don't post about our relationship on FB. Don't feel a need to do that.

My gut feeling is that a lot of this is being done for my benefit. He knows people tell me about what he posts. Perhaps he's hoping for a reaction from me. Maybe in the form of contact. Ain't gonna' happen.

I think I'm beginning to understand. This is all just "spin-doctoring" on his part. Trying to make life better than what it actually is. Then when they get home... .he stays up all night playing on FB and stalking people's pages. Doesn't sound like much of a life to me. But he desperately wants everyone to think it's awesome !

[peiper]

Facebook posts in this situation are all smoke and mirrors. My ex BPD pulled the same thing,everything is so beautiful yada yada. I ignored it and started getting bogus friend requests because she's blocked. I ignored them and then started getting text messages. So in my opinion everything is not beautiful in paradise.

[Caredverymuch]

CaredVeryMuch,

I do recall that you were in a long-term marriage with a BPD spouse. If it isn't too painful - can you provide some insight into why he's acting like they're newlyweds again after all these years?  Just to create a facade? That behind closed doors it's a much different story?

If it's too difficult to discuss - I completely understand.  

Lipstick, I was in a long term very emotionally empty marriage to a very high functioning NPD. I do believe he has BPD traits, now that I have become a quasi expert here  

At the (wonderful) conclusion of that union, I happened to become the fortunate partner of a waif BPD.

Yes, I understand how it all happened.

Getting back to your question, I assure you as others have here, Facebook is NOT the place solidly happy, content, and non PD individuals feel they need to bear their relationship soul.  

My guess is he is "acting". Period.  If he is indeed BPD he is seeking validation.

BTW, my waif BPD ex said the VERY same things about his then ex, whom he ultimately returned to, as yours did.  :)idn't love her, it was not a real r/s, he wanted to leave for a long time but saw no other options, there was never the kind of love he needed, he was controlled there, he was alone there, etc.

After he returned and dumped me, his partner posted all those same things you are seeing.

While he continued to try to bait me ( which I ignored) and while he acquired a new  replacement. Behind the back of the very partner he was recommitted to, yet again.

It's truly Fakebook.  Calm your inner being and keep moving forward,  out of these very real illusions.

[parisian]

Hey lipstick, for me, looking at FB or other social media about them felt like picking at a scab. It always made me feel terrible.

They will ALWAYS post happy status or pics or show how busy socially they are, how many friends they have, what an awesome life they have.

Mine launched into making social activities a full-time job outside her full-time job, and I'm sure posted about every single thing she thought might make her life look so fun and enjoyable.

But as lots of posters have said:

It is a front.  It is a way to put on a show for people.  Anyone can fake happiness in a picture or post. When people are truly happy they don't post it for the world to see. People who are truly happy don't need to sell it to the world. They post here and there but most of their truly happy moments are private. They don't need to sell or convince.

I blocked my ex on everything, although we caught up recently (only for her to tell me all the social things she's been doing and how busy she is blah blah blah). I blocked so that I couldn't be tempted to look and feel miserable. We all would like them to make posts that say 'missing her' or 'feeling sad' or some other remorseful, regretful statement, but we know that will never happen.

Looking at Social media in my view only makes us feel bad. The same for friends telling us what they are doing - I really don't want to know, and have specifically asked people not to tell me.

[Targeted]

Facebook is not nicknamed Fakebook for no reason!  I have one so I can watch my kids,  few friends and family who look out too, if your really my friend you will call or stop by, not Fakebook me!   Also called bragbook!   Think about all you see on there and than reality?

[parisian]

There have been some interesting comments on this board about Facebook.

Mine had hundreds of 'friends', when in reality, her wider friendship group was probably around 30 and her closer friendship group around 10. Everyone else was someone she had met once, and seemed to also include people she had one night stands with previously  

I guess with BPD's, having a big FB friend list means there is always the opportunity for replacement somewhere amongst that  

[lipstick]

Thank you to everyone for your comments! It's tremendously helpful and calming.

Trying to look at it objectively & removing the emotion from it - I can see what you all are saying. It seems to be a desperate way of saying "Hey! My life really doesn't suck! Check out what all I'm doing! And look - my facade of a marriage is fantastic! We're more in love now than we were the day we married!"  

He joined a FB photography group a few months back. Now he posts pics to that page constantly. Rushes home from work to snap a few sunset pics then "shares" them to the group as fast as he can. Apparently spends hours on there. They are amateur pics at best. Nothing special. But I think he's lapping up the few "likes" that he gets and feels special.

I also noticed that with the whole "anniversary week" stuff - he was taking pics and posting them to the photo group while they were at dinner. THEN posted pics of their food (ummm - who cares?).  Just CONSTANT FB activity.

Let me also add that all of this frenzied activity started right around the end of September / beginning of October. I was dumped by him in October of 2012. Two days before my birthday. He also tried to friend me on FB last year right around this time. I did not accept the request and he blocked me. Don't know if any of this is relevant - but it could be. He truly cannot deal with what he did to me.

I told my mom to change her password so that I can no longer access his FB page thru her account. She has done so. My mom believes he's also trying to bait me from afar. That he hopes word will get back to me on what he's posting / doing. He did recently put up a pic showing something that I had purchased for him. He made a comment about how it was his "favorite" of that item. I think y'all know where I would like to shove said "item".    

Fakebook - yeah, I like that. Seems appropriate in his case.

[peiper]

It is fake. If things are so great I would be enjoying them and not be on Facebook posting how great things are. These people are world-class actors.

[lipstick]

Peiper,

I believe I'm coming into agreement with you and everyone else. I think what got me was seeing the dumb pic of their food. My ex is an accomplished chef. Out of the norm for him to show off someone else's work. More like "Please look at me! Please pay attention to what I'm doing! Aren't I great?"  I bet his mom picked up the tab (he's 51, BTW. His spouse is 63). 

I also think the holidays affect him. I wonder how he's going to feel once they're over and the winter doldrums set in... .?  

[peiper]

Peiper,

I believe I'm coming into agreement with you and everyone else. I think what got me was seeing the dumb pic of their food. My ex is an accomplished chef. Out of the norm for him to show off someone else's work. More like "Please look at me! Please pay attention to what I'm doing! Aren't I great?"  I bet his mom picked up the tab (he's 51, BTW. His spouse is 63). 

I also think the holidays affect him. I wonder how he's going to feel once they're over and the winter doldrums set in... .?  

That sounds familiar,  my ex is 52 the replacement is in his 60s. I kinda think it's easier for them to manipulate if their older. Master manipulators

[lipstick]

Peiper,

I agree. My ex's spouse has no marketable skills and is a raging alcoholic. She can't be on her own financially. My ex is her whole world (her own fault) as far as how she survives. No one will take her in as their families know what the deal is (rages, violence) and want no part of it. To quote one of their friends - "She's got nowhere else to go!". 

I, on the other hand, am able to support myself. Independent. And I don't drink except occasionally in a social setting. She and I are mirror opposites. I'm also 14 years her junior. Not that any of this really matters. Except that she NEEDS him in so many ways. I didn't NEED him. I loved him.

And yes - he can totally manipulate her because he is in control of everything. Her name isn't even on their home.

[downwhim]

Don't feel bad about the time it took. BD's are not easy to get over. The show off mentality is just a way for him to look good but he is obviously not happy. Who has that kind of time? Why isn't he with one of his rebounds? Probably did not work out again... .

[lipstick]

It does make sense that he's "fronting" as they say. I mean - come on - who sits there responding to FB comments during your anniversary dinner?

One thing I did think about today - he has a thing about being hated. It really bothers him if he thinks you hate him. He won't let it show - but I know this for a fact. If he did indeed read my FB post tossing his sorry butt under the Greyhound - then he will for sure think that I despise him now. And that is fine with me. He deserves to feel just a bit of the pain he inflicted on me. I'll never see proof of it - but I've seen his reactions to me in the past when he thought I was "hating" on him.

My friends commented that he's been very quiet on FB today. Not even playing in his photography forum. Maybe - just maybe - I got a little payback. I'll take it even if it's just wishful thinking.   

[willtimeheal]

Lipstick,

When my ex left me one of the many times for a replacement she would always tell everyone how happy she was. If anyone asked... .life was perfect and things were great. Then she started texting me saying she missed me. I was shocked because i thought life was so good. When we got back together I asked her if things were so great why would she leave that. She told me that she was very unhappy but she would never let anyone ever know that.

So the fact that he is posting all this stuff on Facebook means nothing. It is a front. If I have learned anything from the years with my ex BPD it is... .they are incapable of being happy