Feeling uneasy after session with my Therapist

[Hadlee]

I am feeling really quite anxious at the moment.  During my last session with my T, something came up that I had buried and did not want to think about.

Some time ago, my friend and I stayed overnight in a Hotel after an evening out.  The evening didn't go to plan for her as I didn't spend much time socializing with her as there were a number of other people I had not caught up with in a while.  It was clear on the night that she wasn't happy about it.

Anyway, fast forward to the Hotel stay.  After her suddenly breaking down when we got to the room, she was saying some strange things - things that seemed like she was coming on to me, but not directly.  I was so confused and had no idea what I was dealing with (whilst being rather intoxicated ).  She perked up once I comforted her, stopped wailing, but the strange talk continued.

I ended up passing out and when I woke up in the morning, I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and wanted to get the hell out of there.  My gut feeling told me something was not right, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

When I mentioned what happened to the T she had a look of horror on her face.  My friend told me in the morning at the hotel that there was a towel in the bathroom with blood on it from her chaffing legs.  My T believes my friend performed a sadistic sexual act i.e. masturbation and it is highly probable that she touched me in some way.  There was no sign that my friend cut herself in anyway, so that can be ruled out.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.  I think my gut told me something had happened, but I didn't want to believe it.  Now I'm putting the pieces of the puzzle together and realize that her crazy behavior, including the push/pull with me really took off after that night.  Could it be that that night she formalized her attachment to me? 

Since the recent insane message I received on Facebook from a random person (I've investigated and found out it is her), I am concerned what she may do next.  I also realize that she has been talking to a mutual friend at work about things I'm sure she wants to get back to me as I have not contacted her. She has gone quiet again now - that worries me   I feel she is concocting some other plan.  I can't seem to let my uneasy gut feeling at the moment go.

[Forestaken]

FYI: Some of us are not ignoring your post, it's just out of our league.

IMO: Think about this in the third person, what would you advise them to do?  Sorry, can't help more.

[Hadlee]

FYI: Some of us are not ignoring your post, it's just out of our league.

IMO: Think about this in the third person, what would you advise them to do?  Sorry, can't help more.

Thanks Forestaken

Yeah I'm sorry, I know this is a strange one indeed!

[rosannadanna]

What did your therapist advise?

[Hadlee]

What did your therapist advise?

The main thing she said was to shift the focus back onto me rather than my friend.  Try mindfulness techniques when thoughts of incidents pop into my head in order to let it all go.  Makes total sense - I'm just having a really rough time in doing that.  I feel like a paranoid crazy person

[Skip]

My therapist believes the relationship was much more than friendship for her and the craziness started when she realized she was 'in love' with me/got too close to me.  I am still struggling to understand how this can be when all we were was friends and I'm not gay.

Your T sounds like she has a good handle on this. Some of the things you say in your earlier posts certainly suggest a strong attachment and it could have evolved to a "romantic" attachment or one where she wanted to please you in a sexual way.  People with BPD can bond with people to the extreme - not just their romantic partners.

My T believes my friend performed a sadistic sexual act i.e. masturbation and it is highly probable that she touched me in some way.  There was no sign that my friend cut herself in anyway, so that can be ruled out.

Can you explain this a bit more?  It's possible that the event was as she (other person) described, right.  That she masturbated alone - the chaffing.

Are you questioning whether you were raped (with a device) and/or the blood was yours?  :)id you have any chaffing or pain?  "Sadistic" suggests that she hurt you.  Is this what happened?

The reason I ask is that I'd (personally) want something concrete before I'd emotionally go down this road.

[whatathing]

Hi,

This is an intense experience... .I too, am not able to say a lot. But anyway: you seem somewhere between having felt abused in a way, and being disgusted by it; and feeling repulse over that kind of perversion from your friend. In that repulse, could it be that there is also some kind of attraction, i.e., are you afraid of yourself or what there may be inside you?

Don´t panic. It´s normal for everyone to have some kind of mixed feelings, to feel confused about paradoxical emotions in the profounds of our psique. That doesn´t make you equal to her in her complex secrets. But maybe, you need to decide what do you want for you: do you want to go through that road? A love/hate relationship, to explore a sadistic/masoquist kind of attraction and sexuality? To go to deep levels of disturbed ways of trying to love and being loved? Or do you want to seek harmony, healthy ways of relating? Maybe I let my preference obvious, here. My ex also was capable of some twisted behaviors, and I also felt some kind of fascination towards it. But in the end, I learned that it doesn´t get anywhere but to a kind of never ending drama that doesn´t lead to catarsis. It leads to a perpetuation of the pain.

Go healthy! And if nothing of what I said makes sense to you... .sorry!

[rosannadanna]

If you had this experience with a male friend, this would sound like a a possible assault scenario, especially b/c you are having the weird gut feelings about it.  It sounds like you are somewhat traumatized or at the least feeling confused and thus powerless.  In fact you sound like you are feeling powerless about this whole situation with this woman.

I personally think you need to focus on that night with the help of your therapist or maybe with a rape crisis counselor.  That is is just my opinion about how to deal with scary experiences.  The mindfulness is good for when the thoughts are intruding on your daily routine and you need to shift your focus to here and now stuff.

It's good you are in therapy.  I think this relationship, although not romantic, definitely has an abusive quality to it.

Take care

[Hadlee]

Can you explain this a bit more?  It's possible that the event was a she (other person) described, right.  That she masturbated alone - the chaffing.

Are you questioning whether you were raped (with a device) and/or the blood was yours?  :)id you have any chaffing or pain?  "Sadistic" suggests that she hurt you.  Is this what happened?

The reason I ask is that I'd (personally) want something concrete before I'd emotionally explore this as more than just her doing her thing.

Thanks Skip.  No I don't believe I was raped or the blood came from me.  My T believes my friend would gone it alone.  In terms of touching me - it may have been stroking of my hair or breasts, etc.  The T said my friend would have relieved herself due to her emotions and what she was feeling for me and the situation at the time.

My friend did say to me before I passed out, "I have bad chaffing.  I would show you, but it might freak you out". My response "um yeah I don't need to see that" .  

[Hadlee]

Hi,

This is an intense experience... .I too, am not able to say a lot. But anyway: you seem somewhere between having felt abused in a way, and being disgusted by it; and feeling repulse over that kind of perversion from your friend. In that repulse, could it be that there is also some kind of attraction, i.e., are you afraid of yourself or what there may be inside you?

Go healthy! And if nothing of what I said makes sense to you... .sorry!

Thanks Whatathing   There hasn't been any attraction in that way from me at all.  I viewed her as a little sister, nothing more. 

[Hadlee]

If you had this experience with a male friend, this would sound like a a possible assault scenario, especially b/c you are having the weird gut feelings about it.  It sounds like you are somewhat traumatized or at the least feeling confused and thus powerless.  In fact you sound like you are feeling powerless about this whole situation with this woman.

I personally think you need to focus on that night with the help of your therapist or maybe with a rape crisis counselor.  That is is just my opinion about how to deal with scary experiences.  The mindfulness is good for when the thoughts are intruding on your daily routine and you need to shift your focus to here and now stuff.

It's good you are in therapy.  I think this relationship, although not romantic, definitely has an abusive quality to it.

Take care

Thanks so much    You are spot on!

After it all happened, I mentioned things to a couple of friends of mine.  They actually said that my friend would have pleasured herself whilst watching me sleep.  All I could say was "no way, she wouldn't do that".  I was freaked out about it all and put it behind me - didn't think about it again.  Until my session last week.  Then seeing my friend on Monday brought it all up again.  Whilst we didn't speak (she didn't see me), I found my reaction to seeing her quite intense.  My stomach churned and I felt a little scared.  It's been since then that I can't shake this uneasiness.

I do feel violated and hurt that she may have done that.  Whilst I wasn't raped (my T believes I would have woken up to such a thing), I'm still not comfortable even if she did things to herself when I was there.  I am trying to recall other things, trying to remember anything.

One thing that I have remembered is in the morning when we said our goodbyes, she hugged me and said "thanks for a great night".  I shudder at that now.  I remember at the time I thought it was odd after the night ended with her breaking down.

And now I know she is behind the Facebook message I received a couple of weeks ago from a random person, I know what she is capable of.  I posted about that last week (she sent naked photos, Facebook PM's and text messages of interactions she had as an alias with a guy we both know at work.  We also know his girlfriend, who also works at work!).  Whilst it's probably to mess with my mind, I find it all a little unnerving.  Even worse, I spoke to my boss about this briefly (didn't mention my friends name) - the response from my boss was "grow up <my name>".  She didn't validate my concerns that there may very well be someone at work that is messing with me.  It's tough

I feel scared at the thought of bumping into her.  I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or it's my intuition.