She Made Contact with me and told me not to date

[Derrick]

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with what I thought was a great girl. Her BPD led to a roller-coaster type relationship that ended at her request. I don't contact her at all. Suddenly she contacts me and tells me that I can't date anyone because its too early and she kept me up the whole night arguing. I am now scared she will monitor my life despite tossing me out.


Derrick

[Deeno02]

Maintain the No Contact rule. Remove her from everything. Block, remove, delete, remove again, rinse and repeat. She does not own you... .

[enlighten me]

Wanting her cake and eat it springs to mind. No doubt she is actively seeking a replacement but wants you available if she cant find anyone.

Th fact that you probably like most of us dont feel up to dating is neither here nor there. The fact thats she is still trying to dictate and control you is more worrying. It means you are her go to guy. NC  and live your life. Its the only way to survive.

There is nothing she can do to you unless you let her.

[Mutt]

Hi Derrick,

You have good advice. Think about it. She contacts and argues that you can't date.

It's controlling. The winning move is not to play.

[Skip]

I am a man in his late 40's that was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a lady that has diagnosed BPD. She abruptly ended it a few weeks ago and I'm pretty lost now.

Having an ex monitor our dating profile is not fun  

So it sounds like this is not a "end of ends" breakup in her mind.  Maybe she was hoping to get you to "hear her" regarding something.  Or maybe she spooked.  Or ... .

You proposed so I assume you love her.

She abruptly ended it and having second thoughts but is not ready to get back.

What's going on?  What are you arguing about?

[Craydar]

Hi Derrick,

You have good advice. Think about it. She contacts and argues that you can't date.

It's controlling. The winning move is not to play.

She can't be serious. I'll second the other comments here and add: who cares of she monitors your life. Block her, go no contact and by all means date as many women as you can. If she confronts you in person, just be stoic and say it's over and I'm moving on. Why did you waste a whole night arguing. Didn't she split with you?

[Mutt]

Hi Derrick,

You have good advice. Think about it. She contacts and argues that you can't date.

It's controlling. The winning move is not to play.

She can't be serious. I'll second the other comments here and add: who cares of she monitors your life. Block her, go no contact and by all means date as many women as you can. If she confronts you in person, just be stoic and say it's over and I'm moving on. Why did you waste a whole night arguing. Didn't she split with you?

I think a little back-story helps to understand the bigger picture.

A pwBPD have difficulties clearly communicating their feelings and needs and we're taking words at face value and not listening to how the other person feels.

Her arguing could be that she's feeling guilt or that she's projecting her negative feelings and we may be taking it personally. Feelings are facts to a person with borderline personality disorder whereas facts are followed by feelings to a non-disordered person. She may be dissociating her feelings and changing reality and this could be another catalyst for conflict and we're taking it at face value and arguing back. It takes two. That said.

Derrick, what was the argument?

[Derrick]

Hi Derrick,

You have good advice. Think about it. She contacts and argues that you can't date.

It's controlling. The winning move is not to play.

She can't be serious. I'll second the other comments here and add: who cares of she monitors your life. Block her, go no contact and by all means date as many women as you can. If she confronts you in person, just be stoic and say it's over and I'm moving on. Why did you waste a whole night arguing. Didn't she split with you?

I think a little back-story helps to understand the bigger picture.

A pwBPD have difficulties clearly communicating their feelings and needs and we're taking words at face value and not listening to how the other person feels. Her arguing could be that she's feeling guilt or that she's projecting her negative feelings and we may be taking it personally. She may be dissociating her feelings and changing reality and this could be another catalyst for conflict. That said.

Derrick, what was the argument?

A friend of ours saw me out with a female at a coffee shop. My ex called and said at first she was sorry for hurting me. She then asked to exchange our stuff and I played along all night. She was angry that I was "out after 3 weeks" She was mad about me adding females to FB. She ran the gamut of emotions before finally cooling off hours later. She said she loved me and cared about me and said she did me a favor by breaking up with me because she would eventually destroy me. I do not want to hurt her but she and I live and work in the same area as well as have common friends.

[Mutt]

A friend of ours saw me out with a female at a coffee shop. My ex called and said at first she was sorry for hurting me. She then asked to exchange our stuff and I played along all night. She was angry that I was "out after 3 weeks" She was mad about me adding females to FB. She ran the gamut of emotions before finally cooling off hours later. She said she loved me and cared about me and said she did me a favor by breaking up with me because she would eventually destroy me. I do not want to hurt her but she and I live and work in the same area as well as have common friends.

The catalyst is that she was triggered when she heard from someone else that you were out with a female. What drives this disorder is the fear of abandonment, real or perceived. She was scared that she's going to lose you to another woman.

BPD is an emotional based disorder and she feels emotions two thousand fold compared to you. It's frustrating and confusing when there's conflict and neither voices are being heard. She's simply wired differently. Feelings = facts.

I think she's being sincere.

[momtara]

She's not going to stop this behavior overnight, nor are you going to be able to resist the urge to argue back overnight.  That's ok - none of us were given lessons in dealing with BPD.  Keep setting the boundaries, don't respond, and stay NC.  You may slip up - it's ok, you're human.  Eventually she will tire of this activity if she isn't getting the response she wants.

[Skip]

She said she loved me and cared about me and said she did me a favor by breaking up with me because she would eventually destroy me.

This is a generally a statement that I'm unlovable.  She probably has a history of strained relationships and so she knows not to be all in with her heart or she will get hurt.  Like me, I would not bet too much money on myself not eating that carrot cake in my refrigerator - even though I'm on a diet and "don't want it" (not really, just an analogy).

She may also be testing you - testing how much you love her and are willing to jump through hoops when she is pushing you away.  This might even be subconscious.

You didn't take the bait.  You are not playing.  And you shouldn't.

I do not want to hurt her but she and I live and work in the same area as well as have common friends.

It sounds like this relationship might still have two interested but cautious parties that are in the "too bad to stay, too good to leave" zone.

What do you think?

[Targeted]

Kind of weird to read, The fear of abandonment is obviously bigger than they even realise themselves, two months after my break up my ex thought she saw me with another girl on my motorcycle, I was in my car on my way home from work when this happened, my son's phone broke so I have got him a new one and her number was not blocked in his new phone yet, when she thought she saw me with another girl she was frantically emailing me which I did not notice right away because I do not have a ringer for email on my phone, I found out from my son because his phone was blowing up like crazy with phone calls and text messages from her looking for me, checking the Carlot list on my daughters phone I Soshee tried calling her to but your number was still blocked there.  She Had already taunted me that she was going out with other guys and this was two months later, I do not understand how they can have a fear of abandonment over somebody they already discarded sometime ago.