uBPDsis Lasted 3 Weeks with Mom, Need Help/Support

[Meadowslark]

Hey BPDFam! I'm hoping someone has been in my situation and can possibly provide some insight/guidance.

Long story short, my uBPDsis and I lived together for less than four months before she called it quits, citing reasons that don't make sense (and don't really matter anyway). She gave me an ultimatum - she would pay her portion of the rent until the end of December and I had until then to move out or find a new roommate. I'm moving out (couldn't find a replacement roomie), uBPDsis was very upset that she would be on the hook for her half of the lease-breaking fee. She moved in with mom after painting me black and mom white.

It wasn't 3 days before the complaints and woe-is-me helplessness started. I didn't give in to the pity parties, which made uBPDsis more upset. Every time she came over (always unannounced), it was a new blowup or problem and I refused to engage. Mom tells me sis intends to abandon all of her belongings at the apartment, save for a few things. Saturday, she gave me her key to the apartment and paid her portion of the lease-break and gave her 30 days notice. <-- This is very important

Today, mom sent me a text and said that uBPDsis had another meltdown (the topic being unimportant, but the rage and irrationality was there) and mom can't handle it anymore and is kicking sis out. Mom had given her the boundary - one more meltdown or irrational engagement without the intent to seek help or take responsibility, and she has to find a new place to live.

I'm seeking wisdom from other BPDFam members... .I know legally she still has claim to the apartment, but she gave me her key. If she shows up at the apartment, what would your suggestion be to handle her? Do I keep up the tactic of just not engaging with her and living on pins and needles until I can get to my new place in two weeks? Should I turn her away? What would you do in my situation?

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: My sister is sending me texts that she should kill herself, that she's s*** and impossible to live with, nobody wants her, etc etc. I have not engaged with her but I'm getting worried. She isn't taking any of the necessary steps to secure new housing (she has options, she just isn't using them). Our dad may take her, she has a couple friends she could possibly stay with and there are social services as well.

Not sure how to proceed.

[clljhns]

Hi Meadowlark,

Does sis have a plan to commit suicide? Is she still living with mom? If she has a plan, then you or mom need to contact the proper authorities in your area to get her help. Even though BPD's often create drama and chaos in their lives, and often they make threats that they don't act on, take a threat of suicide seriously, especially if she has told you or mom how she plans to end her life.

It  sounds like she does have some options for housing, but has she made any efforts for treatment? If she is in crisis, this might be the best time to get mom to approach her with this option.

Please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings. 

[Meadowslark]

Hi Clljhns, thank you for replying. Yesterday was a whirlwind and I didn't get a chance to make more updates until today.

Sis did not have a plan to commit suicide - she contacted me again last night, asking to come over to our once-shared apartment (the one she gave up her key to) in order to take photos of some items she wants to sell. It sounds to me like more idle threats because she has a long history of threatening suicide over much less important things (bills, tests, that sort of thing).

I called my T and he told me the same thing you did - take any threat seriously and my T told me to either take her to the hospital myself, or tell her that if she does not go willingly, then I would call the police. I think that would be a serious wake-up call for her. Sis has not made any efforts for treatment, no. Mom tried to reason with her last night and sis claimed that her "upbringing was designed to make her into a bad person" and how none of these circumstances are in any way her fault.

It's like a bad movie. _@

I've finally secured a new place to go and have to focus on packing. This move has drained me financially and emotionally and sis refuses to take responsibility for any of her actions - she thinks everything is everyone else's fault.

I'll update more if anything else happens.

[clljhns]

Hi Meadowlark,

Please keep us updated. I agree with your T, if she threatens again, let the police handle it. It just may lead to her getting some help, albeit, not voluntarily, but at least she can be evaluated.

Peace and blessings. 

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: Sis came over to the apartment to grab some things and take pictures of items to put up for sale. She took her key back to accomplish this since she doesn't have the ability to transport furniture. Legally, she is allowed to be here until whenever her notice is up. I also have renter's insurance on all my possessions, just in case.

Most everything went smoothly. I didn't engage during the "woe is me" pity party shenanigans and (at first) I thought I would be able to get off without a hitch but as people know on this board, that's impossible. When it came time for her to leave, she told me that she feels abandoned, that nobody loves her and that there's "nothing for me here". I told her I was sorry she felt that way and that I hope she finds a place that she really likes.

She said, "You just don't care about me. Nobody cares about me. You never showed me you loved me or that you cared." (and this coming off of yesterday, where I was painted white for a couple hours and she told me I was the only one who cared. Go figure.) I told her I've been trying to show her I loved and cared for years on end, she just chooses not to see it. That set her off and she said, "I should just get a gun!" and ran off.

I would have called the cops right then and there but I had no idea where she went. I called Mom right after and at that time, Mom didn't know where Sis was. Sis ended up going to Mom's place and acted like nothing had happened.

Apparently Sis had told Mom that she would go live with Dad. The story Sis told me this evening was that she was going to move across the country to live with someone she met online. Who knows what the actual story is.

Mom and I have T appointments on Friday. :/

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: I talked to my best friend about taking in some of my possessions for safekeeping. Since Sis has a key to the apartment again and she's acting irrationally, I don't trust that something won't happen to my things. Bestie is taking as many important (to me) items as I can fit in my car. Everything important and irreplaceable will be moved ASAP.

I have friends coming this weekend to help pack. I remember Sis saying, "You have a boyfriend and friends so I understand you moving on." when she was here last night, but then immediately said that I was abandoning her afterwords. She also accused her cat of "not caring" about her. What?

I'm hoping that BF can come over today, just in case. I don't feel safe knowing she could get back in here.

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: I called my T after thinking about it for a while and asked for his advice. I'm 90% sure Sis is with NPD Dad. T advised me that the best thing I can do is air on the side of caution and contact Dad to let him know what Sis had said last night and that Mom and I are concerned for her safety. Dad didn't pick up so I left a message to call back ASAP.

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: Spoke to dad, Sis is indeed with him. She didn't make mention of the gun threat to him (or to mom, which makes me believe this was all just smoke and mirrors) and that she acted normal (for her) at his place last night. She now has a key to his place and will be staying with  him temporarily. Her plan is still to go live with the online friend across the country.

Dad locked up and unloaded all of his guns. A friend suggested possibly contacting state police to warn them of the possibility that she might buy a gun (even though I'm 99% sure she won't and these were just threats meant to hurt people). Dad said he would keep me updated about the situation as it unfolds and that he's going to try and get through to her to see if he can coax her into getting some help.

[Deb]

wow, what a nightmare. You have done the best you can. Protecting yourself and letting people know that she has made threats. I had to call the police on my dBPD sister one time. She ran off and eventually turned herself in for a 72 hour hold. They let her go onher merry way. Oh, she did get a "counselor" ( I put it in quotes necause thera[ist acted  sougly to family members.) for awhile. But, on the bright side, she never threatened suicide again. I am NC with her now because of other things, but I don't think she has ever made suicide threats after that. Hugs to you. BPD is such an awful illness.

[Meadowslark]

wow, what a nightmare. You have done the best you can. Protecting yourself and letting people know that she has made threats. I had to call the police on my dBPD sister one time. She ran off and eventually turned herself in for a 72 hour hold. They let her go onher merry way. Oh, she did get a "counselor" ( I put it in quotes necause thera[ist acted  sougly to family members.) for awhile. But, on the bright side, she never threatened suicide again. I am NC with her now because of other things, but I don't think she has ever made suicide threats after that. Hugs to you. BPD is such an awful illness.

It really is and thank you for your reply. I can't imagine what Sis' thoughts look like at any given time. It must be terrible to live in that much pain and turmoil and misery constantly.

I'm seriously considering severing contact with Sis once this is all over. I cannot wait to move into my new place (that she doesn't know the address of) but I have to wait until the 13th. Many friends and my mother are coming to assist. I also have a job to go to on the same day as well, but it should provide a meaningful distraction.

I'm very sad about this whole thing. She insists that nobody cares about her when we've done everything in our power to help her and show her that we love her, she just doesn't see it and doesn't take an ounce of responsibility for her actions. There's no getting through to her. Sis is seeing a counselor as ordered by her job but she plans to move before she's supposed to go back to work so who knows how that's going to work out. I can't imagine a potential employer will look at "suddenly disappeared" on a resume very kindly... .

I can't bring up the bills that are in her name, her schooling, the money she's been given by the school, her job and other obligations to her, as it'll just cause another meltdown. If she up and leaves the state, there's nothing I can do to stop her. Her obligations will find a way to track her down, unfortunately. I don't think anything is in our names jointly except for the lease itself, which has been taken care of.

[Edgewood]

Hi Meadowslark,

Reading your posts reminds me of similar worries I have experienced with my family.  I know the panicked concern these threats cause.  I don't have any insight for you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. 

Best of luck to you.

[Deb]

I'm very sad about this whole thing. She insists that nobody cares about her when we've done everything in our power to help her and show her that we love her, she just doesn't see it and doesn't take an ounce of responsibility for her actions.

Yep, this is my sister. Her 4th husband gave her wonderful gifts and worked 12 hour days, 6 days a week so she wouldn't have to work. Did she see that? No, just complained that he didn't love her because he wouldn't have sex with her. WTH? He was dead tired! And she spent spent spent on home shopping channels, sales at the mall etc.

When she did mean things to her kids, it was their fault and they didn't love her. Now the older ones won't speak to her and that is MY fault.   No responsibility for anything she has done. Well, since our mother died two years before her last melt down, I felt no need to try and appease her. I am sad sometimes that I don't have a sister in my life. But then again, I never really did. My life is much more peaceful now.

[Meadowslark]

Deb and Edgewood, thank you for your support. It's very comforting to know that this situation isn't unique to our family (that other people have dealt with this or are dealing with it now).

Sis is back to being very polite and helpful, which is incredibly suspicious. She has not returned to the apartment, nor has she listed any of the items she took pictures of on Craigslist (as far as I can tell, and I've been watching for things to pop up). She stayed with Mom last night and neither one of us knows why. Mom is not engaging with her and is keeping the boundary firm. Mom had told her that she has until Mom moves to find a new place to live.

I haven't heard from Dad, so I have no idea why Sis is with Mom right now. Maybe Sis and Dad fought, who knows.

Both of Sis' cats are with me now (and I was the one who took care of them anyway, despite Sis insisting that she loved them and would care for them). SO and Bestie took my most prized possessions for safekeeping until the move next week.

Whew, I can't wait for this to be over. I told Mom about this board as well, so she may pop up at some point. She's also relieved to know that we're not the only ones dealing with this.

[Meadowslark]

UPDATE: I told Sis she has until the 14th to get her things out of the apartment. Progress has been slow. She has quite a few things and it seems like only the minimum is being taken with each trip. I sincerely hope she's done by the time she leaves for Pennsylvania on the 15th. My last documented day in the apartment is the 20th and I need those days to clean. I can't clean if her stuff is there.

Sis has been staying with Dad the last two nights. No updates from him (I kind of hoped he'd keep me updated but oh well, Sis probably told him all sorts of lies about Mom and I). Sis called me Sunday night to get angry about some packing tape, then texted me 10 minutes later asking to hang out. I said no.

5 days until freedom. I cannot wait. My car got a flat tire and I'm not sleeping well due to stress but I know it'll be over soon.

[Meadowslark]

LAST UPDATE:

Hey guys, I think this will be my last update.

Sis is now living with Dad. Dad did not keep his end of the bargain (keeping me updated on the situation), which I am not surprised about. Sis is still going cross-country to visit the person on the internet that she's never met, but will not be living with this person at this time. I truly believe the story will change as soon as Sis wears out her welcome with Dad. Dad is NPD and the idealization/idolization phase of BPD will be like a drug to him but once it's over and Sis loses control of the manipulation then all hell will break loose. That's just how her pattern goes.

Dad says Sis is on "new medication" and is "stable and happy" but I'm extremely skeptical/suspicious. He doesn't know what medication she's on or where she got it from. I guess it's none of his business since she's an adult, but I suspect it's too good to be true. Sis has been more stable the last two days but I believe it's the eye of the hurricane.

I move tomorrow. Dad said he's got today off so he'll come by a grab the remainder of Sis' things. She left quite a bit of stuff here still and I'm hoping it's gone by tomorrow.

I am so ready for this stress to be over. Mom is going NC with Sis starting now. I'm pondering doing the same.