Maddening Husband

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband of 3 years (together for 8) changed drastically once we were married. It began the morning after our wedding when he insisted on sex after I repeatedly and very clearly said "NO!" He got his way.  I'm only now realizing after a few months of overt abuse that perhaps he has always been this way but I am still trying to understand how I missed the red flags. Over the summer I discovered that he was lying to me about finances (not paying bills, impacting my credit) and when I confronted him and said ENOUGH - he attacked me - verbally and later physically. He left our home and refused to answer my calls or emails. He would yell at me on the phone and then once I was angry enough to yell back he would put me on speaker phone so that his parents could listen while he stayed silent and eventually would hang up on me. He admits to doing this so that he could "have people on my side" and also lies to his parents and sibling about me - telling them that I abuse him, almost always after he hits or shoves or hurts me. He is so emphatic and insistent about his version of reality that I feel as though I am losing my mind.  While he was away from our home he removed all financial support (I am the breadwinner but rely on his financial contributions) and had his paycheck deposited into a secret account that I do not have access to. He also then withdrew thousands of dollars in cash on the day the mortgage payment was due and he knew his paycheck would not be coming.  He lied about it all until he could not deny it any longer. He is entirely unapologetic and insists that it was my fault and he was just "paying bills like you wanted." (He used the cash to pay off the debts he incurred and lied about.) He returned to the home and refuses to seek seperation or commit to counseling. He says that "it's MY house, you leave."  He continues to lie and is still abusive, although much less so than before. He insists that he "doesn't have to" do anything that I ask and that I am "controlling" "chemically imbalanced" and "mean."  His family is dysfunctional beyond belief, all including his parents are divorced and he is expected to take care of each of them, no matter what. One parent is a violent alcoholic and the other is a manipulative enabler. He invites them into our marriage and even admits that he "has to grow up" but still chooses them - chooses to solicit their advice on how to "handle" me, but the information he gives them is nothing but lies.  He for no reason that I can find turned the impossible I laws who I worked so so so hard to maintain a positive relationship with against me in a matter of seconds. His repeated betrayals hurt more than I can express.  I don't understand what happened to the man I knew and lived with for 5 years Is he mentally ill or have I just stupidly allowed a monster into my life?  Is there any hope? 

[Cadalam]

My husband of 3 years (together for 8) changed drastically once we were married. It began the morning after our wedding when he insisted on sex after I repeatedly and very clearly said "NO!" He got his way.  I'm only now realizing after a few months of overt abuse that perhaps he has always been this way but I am still trying to understand how I missed the red flags. Over the summer I discovered that he was lying to me about finances (not paying bills, impacting my credit) and when I confronted him and said ENOUGH - he attacked me - verbally and later physically. He left our home and refused to answer my calls or emails. He would yell at me on the phone and then once I was angry enough to yell back he would put me on speaker phone so that his parents could listen while he stayed silent and eventually would hang up on me. He admits to doing this so that he could "have people on my side" and also lies to his parents and sibling about me - telling them that I abuse him, almost always after he hits or shoves or hurts me. He is so emphatic and insistent about his version of reality that I feel as though I am losing my mind.  While he was away from our home he removed all financial support (I am the breadwinner but rely on his financial contributions) and had his paycheck deposited into a secret account that I do not have access to. He also then withdrew thousands of dollars in cash on the day the mortgage payment was due and he knew his paycheck would not be coming.  He lied about it all until he could not deny it any longer. He is entirely unapologetic and insists that it was my fault and he was just "paying bills like you wanted." (He used the cash to pay off the debts he incurred and lied about.) He returned to the home and refuses to seek seperation or commit to counseling. He says that "it's MY house, you leave."  He continues to lie and is still abusive, although much less so than before. He insists that he "doesn't have to" do anything that I ask and that I am "controlling" "chemically imbalanced" and "mean."  His family is dysfunctional beyond belief, all including his parents are divorced and he is expected to take care of each of them, no matter what. One parent is a violent alcoholic and the other is a manipulative enabler. He invites them into our marriage and even admits that he "has to grow up" but still chooses them - chooses to solicit their advice on how to "handle" me, but the information he gives them is nothing but lies.  He for no reason that I can find turned the impossible I laws who I worked so so so hard to maintain a positive relationship with against me in a matter of seconds. His repeated betrayals hurt more than I can express.  I don't understand what happened to the man I knew and lived with for 5 years Is he mentally ill or have I just stupidly allowed a monster into my life?  Is there any hope? 

[Mutt]

 

Hi Cadalam,

I would like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and stressful when the person that we fall in love with and marry suddenly changes into another person. A sort of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I'm so sorry he went as far as physical abuse. His tactic with control by putting you on speaker phone when he is at his parents is distorting your image of you to them for him to gain sympathy. You may of been frustrated with his antics and behaviors prior to the phone call and were frustrated on the phone. I can relate.  He's financially abusive and controlling with money as well. I'm sorry.

It also sounds like he has enablers with his FOO (Family of Origin ) that perpetuate and foster these types of behaviors.

I would like you to know that there is hope and I'm happy that you have found us. I'll share a couple of articles.

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Do you have kids?