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Author Topic: Has anyone read this blog? I'm curious if it helped you at all  (Read 3454 times)
eternalbloom

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« on: February 15, 2014, 06:01:59 PM »

I ran into the a website called reignite the fire yesterday and read several articles. He's an author and life coach and former co-dependent that healed himself and now coaches both BPD and Non's on how to deal with tumultuous relationships. He has a lot of good information but some of it seems to good to be true. He focuses on improving yourself and creating options so that your BPD partner will be reluctant to mistreat you because they may feel like they will lose you. But isn't that their fear anyway? Abandonment? And that fear results in emotional instability, violence and abuse (in some cases), right?

At any rate, I am fascinated by his theories and want to try some of his techniques. I do notice that when I leave the  relationship and start to feel more like myself, my ex immediately zeros in on this and tones down his behavior so that he can draw me back in. But that just sounds like a regular recycle moment, right? I know his advice isn't a one size fits all and in my situation my ex was violent, held me hostage a lot of the time and stalked me when I told him to go away. Calling the police and the restraining orders have alleviated most of that and now he leaves when I tell him to, stops calling when I say so and doesn't argue when I said I had enough.

Just curious to hear feedback from those who have read his teachings and bought his e-books.

Thanks!
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toomanytears
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2014, 06:09:27 PM »

I found Rick's theories interesting but not really sophisticated enough to deal with the complexities of BPD relationships
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2014, 06:09:51 PM »

He is making a living off of borderlines and their craziness. He likes having relationships with borderlines. Has he had a successful long term relationship?
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2014, 06:18:16 PM »

I perused that site as well. My on take on it is that particular site and the theories espoused therein is all suppositions with absolutely no basis in quantifiable fact  ... . pure rubbish. When you think about it, who in their right mind considers relationship smoke and mirror manipulations as viable functional relationship "skills". A personality disordered that's who. "I was once a rescuer now I'm a manipulator but hey, I still got the nut case". Sound healthy to you?

Sheesh, you can gift wrap and tie a pretty ribbon around a turd and when you unwrap the thing, it is still a turd.

With a chuckle I thought of the irony of the site name... . "Reignite the fire"... . yeah... . right under your ass!.
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Tausk
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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2014, 12:12:10 AM »

A lot more money can be made by keeping people in marriage counseling, when you say, "things can get better, but only if you change."

The above sentence makes perfect sense, except for the fact that it's a Disorder, and change is almost impossible while still in the relationship. It can happen, but it's rare, and by the time people have reached the leaving board it's either too late, or there was no hope in the first place.

If there were truly successful techniques and stories of couples like us making it good,  it would be a gold mine.  People wold be lining up and spending the equity in their homes for it.  Some people do give everything they have to feed malignant hope.

Letting go of malignant hope has been the hardest part for me.

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allinasmile

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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2014, 08:18:28 AM »

After 8 years and this being the 4th and final break up, yes this blog has helped me.  Unless you are in a relationship with a BPD that has acknowledged their issues and is in treatment, please run and maintain a NC status.  The day I decided it had to end, I was determined that I would never allow him to say one more hurtful thing to me, threaten me or devalue me.  I sent him a text "That I needed a break,"his response was "Your fired." I did not respond. I then immediately blocked him on face book, and within the next week when I began to feel that he was trying to engage me with text messages, which I did not respond to, I blocked his phone number and ability to text me.  The next week I blocked his ability to email me.  He is a BPD but I believe years ago it was diagnosed at Bipolar, I often would see meds in his bathroom that are typically prescribed to Biopolar patients.  His 24 daughter and only child has been diagnosed with BPD and is raging, several suicide attempts, alcoholic and self medicates.  The two of them have a weird relationship, he continually enables her and they tend to relish in tag teaming people.  This is TOXIC.  By himself, I think he valued my people skills and success in other social relationships and was trying to "be better", but his daughter has too big of a pull on him and her issues constantly triggers the stress that causes BPD to spiral, which of course left me to the whipping post by both of them. This blog continually recommends NC and I know for me it will be the only thing that will get my life back. Due to lack of therapy he still is in a place that he accepts no responsibility or remorse for his actions.  Short of showing up at my door, which would be way out of character I believe restricting his access via arms length methods will work.   The reinforcement mentioned here as well as reading similar stories of abuse and pain, help remind me that my future will be brighter and to go back would cripple me emotionally. I will never let either of them have any power of any kind over me again.  They both have good hearts and I tried to always see the good,  but their love comes from a place of pain and their treatment of people within any reach of them and their mean spirit and self gratification to me is also a terrible character flaw.   Keep reading and asking for advice.   

 
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allinasmile

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« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2014, 08:28:56 AM »

Unless a BPD has acknowledged their issues and have been in regular therapy I firmly believe their love only comes from a place of pain and will continue to suck the life out of anyone they bring into their life.  Their love is based on what you can do for them.  When they don't think they have your complete attention or if you are not doing enough for them, they will become abusive.  They do not have the ability to care for you emotionally. I believe they only feel love from the person that is giving it to them. That is why they usually don't protect you in certain situations and can easily switch partners.  What they feel is not coming from within, it's being taken from you.   
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Pearl55
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« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2014, 05:47:49 PM »

After paying more than £3500 to my psychiatrist, he explained how borderline brains work, no matter what type they are. Well, I said to him if you would explained this in our first session I wouldn't waste my time energy and money.

He said I told you in the first session to get the hell out. I feel sorry for those wasting their time and money and trying to work things out with borderline partners. They don't know what BPD is.
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Tim300
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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2015, 01:38:45 PM »

I have read a couple of Rick's articles on Reignite the Fire (ReigniteTheFire.net).  Here's my take: Rick either (1) is just trying to make money, or (2) is being genuine but just doesn't understand the complexities of BPD.

For purposes of my review here, I will assume that his beliefs about BPD are genuine.  My understanding is that the gist of Rick's argument is that women with BPD are demanding, and that you simply need to show such women that you are tough and won't cater to them and don't need them.  According to Rick, as I understand him, a women with BPD will then respect you and the relationship will work.  I hope I've accurately captured Rick's main sentiments.

Unfortunately, I don't think it quite works like this.  Perhaps Rick's strategies might work from time to time on some non-PD women, but dealing with BPD is a bit different.  I will break down my assessment of Reignite the Fire by each of the most-relevant BPD symptoms in the DSM V:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

The fear of abandonment can be completely debilitating for a pwBPD at times, especially as she gets very serious about the relationship.  In my experience, showing the pwBPD that you have outside interest, other friends, or other dating options, will drive the pwBPD towards great emotional pain that will typically cause her to act out and push you way (perhaps 25% of the time it will cause her to work harder for you, in accordance with Rick's thinking, but the rest of the time she'll push you away).

  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

A pwBPD will paint people black and white on a regular basis, often going "black" on someone for the most ridiculous and unpredictable of reasons.  From my experience, behaving like Rick *might* have someone briefly painted white at the beginning, but would no doubt lead to getting painted black later on.  I think a key point here is that painting people black and white is a trait of the disorder, so it might be foolish to assume that the non has much control over this by acting one way or another.

  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

The pwBPD might flip back and forth on major life plans, for example, wanting to be a housewife in Connecticut one month and wanting to "live free" and travel with a renegade in Florida the next month.  I'm not sure how Rick's strategies could have any meaningful long-term beneficial impact here.  

  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving)

The impulsivity might take the form of wanting to jump into the arms of another SO suddenly.  I'm not sure how Rick's tough love approach does anything to help here.  In fact, the tough love might cause the pwBPD to more quickly jump into another's arms if she feels like the new guy won't be so tough with her (often BPDs are reported to downgrade for someone who is more eager to be a doormat).  

  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

This is a good example of where Rick's advice doesn't help, and will likely actually be a detriment.  Rick's advice almost seems to suggest that the pwBPD is intentionally picking fights just to try to test to see how strong and sexy her man is.  In reality, BPD is a mental illness that's mostly outside of the control of the pwBPD, in which the pwBPD reacts with extreme and unjustified anger towards perceived tough love, rejection, and so on.  So, at times, by trying to act like the tough guy, you're causing the pwBPD to genuinely believe that you're the devil.

  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms  

My pwBPD would at times think I was plotting against her, for example, to abandon her.  Rick's tough, cool-guy approach would certainly not do much good in quelling such paranoid thoughts.    


To summarize, Rick's simple solutions seem to pretty much completely miss the boat on what BPD is and how a BPD mind works.  To be fair, pwBPD have rapidly shifting minds, so at times, Rick's strategies might work (perhaps for example to initially attract the pwBPD at the outset), but by and large, Rick's strategies tend to more often than not be the opposite of the approach that should be taken.  With all of this being said, I don't think dealing with a pwBPD over a long period of time will ever be as easy as either doing or not doing what Rick says.  The sad and tragic reality, in my opinion, is that we're dealing with mentally ill, unstable people, so there really is no simple list of just "do this and do that, and all will be better."
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Whitebread

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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2015, 03:16:46 PM »

I spent a bit of time reading his blog and, like other posters, came away with the same feeling that this guy is clueless.  Sure we have to set boundaries with our pwBPD but his approach and 'success' rates just screamed Bull*hit to me. 

Would some of his techniques work some of the time?  Sure, its the monkey on a typewriter scenario.  Overall though, they just type gibberish.  And he's trying to make money off of his.

I'd be interested to hear your success if you try his 'methods'!

Stay safe and look after YOU, especially given your ex's past treatment of you.   

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Maternus
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2015, 03:39:39 PM »

My understanding is that the gist of Rick's argument is that women with BPD are demanding, and that you simply need to show such women that you are tough and won't cater to them and don't need them.  According to Rick, as I understand him, a women with BPD will then respect you and the relationship will work.  I hope I've accurately captured Rick's main sentiments.

I just took a quick look at his website. I doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be another person in a relationship, I don't want to play roles in such an important part of my life.  I want to be tough, when I feel tough, I want to be weak, when I feel weak, I want to be needy, when I'm needy and I want a partner, who can accept that I'm a human being and have my own needs and flaws. And first of all: I don't want to be manipulative. I want to be loved for who I am, not for what I do or pretend to be.
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raisins3142
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2015, 03:47:25 PM »

They do not have the ability to care for you emotionally. I believe they only feel love from the person that is giving it to them. That is why they usually don't protect you in certain situations and can easily switch partners.  What they feel is not coming from within, it's being taken from you.   

Thanks for this.

Explains perfectly why my ex would embarrass me in public.

It might have possibly stemmed from her feeling so insignificant that she could not possibly harm me.

But really, it seems like a lack of care.

She was so consumed by her feeling good and having her attention and other needs met, that she did not feel odd about giving me the cold shoulder and ignoring/talking over me for hours while being the center of attention and dominating the conversation, while being perfectly polite and attentive to EVERYONE except me.
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raisins3142
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2015, 03:48:56 PM »

My understanding is that the gist of Rick's argument is that women with BPD are demanding, and that you simply need to show such women that you are tough and won't cater to them and don't need them.  According to Rick, as I understand him, a women with BPD will then respect you and the relationship will work.  I hope I've accurately captured Rick's main sentiments.

I just took a quick look at his website. I doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to be another person in a relationship, I don't want to play roles in such an important part of my life.  I want to be tough, when I feel tough, I want to be weak, when I feel weak, I want to be needy, when I'm needy and I want a partner, who can accept that I'm a human being and have my own needs and flaws. And first of all: I don't want to be manipulative. I want to be loved for who I am, not for what I do or pretend to be.

The beginning of the end was when I cried in front of my uBPDexgf over a family issue.  Before that, I was the type that would walk through fire, and she knew it.  One crack and one show of weakness = instant devaluation that lasted until our first break up.
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Maternus
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« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2015, 04:02:40 PM »

Before that, I was the type that would walk through fire, and she knew it.  One crack and one show of weakness = instant devaluation that lasted until our first break up.

I had a similar experience. I told my ex one night about how abusive my father was when I was a child (after I had a fight with him in front of her), I cried and she was very sympathetic at that moment, but it was definitely the day our relationship started to worsen.

One thought to come back to the topic of the thread: I just read "Who is Rick?" Anyone else here who sees red flags of a narcissist?
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« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2015, 04:54:10 PM »

I checked the site out and read his articles. 

A few things stand out.

1. Typical ebook marketing

2. It has the feel of those business/ success cults, and pick up artist stuff

3. It seems like he understands the disorder fairly well but the advice will be extremely hard to follow for the target audience. 

4. It seems like he's looking to cash in on a market for people at their most desperate.

I can give you a one sentence advice on how to make a BPD relationship work, don't ever take the actions of the pwBPD personally.  The end.

I really get the feel it's one of those books that are like becoming someone you are not is the key to success.

Like a lot of stuff in the pick up artist market it seems like a blend of how to not be codependent and how to manipulate the situation to your advantage. 

I know a guy that didn't read that book but he is all into the business/success cult stuff.  He seems to maintain a sort of long term relationship with a girl I suspect is somewhere on the spectrum of BPD.  The key is emotional distance, sort of thinking of the girl as your friend/mistress/whore.  Focusing on impressing other people that places you in a position of esteem amongst a group.  Focusing on your own goals that are "me" goals and not "we" goals. Never fully committing to the pwBPD.  Basically using them and keeping a mindset of let's see how much crap I can decieve this person to my own personal bennefit.
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raisins3142
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« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2015, 01:04:15 PM »

The key is emotional distance, sort of thinking of the girl as your friend/mistress/whore.  Focusing on impressing other people that places you in a position of esteem amongst a group.  Focusing on your own goals that are "me" goals and not "we" goals. Never fully committing to the pwBPD.  Basically using them and keeping a mindset of let's see how much crap I can decieve this person to my own personal bennefit.

My uBPDexgf's exbf before me had dated her twice.

This last time, he would not drive to see her, would not go to any family functions, and had a rule that they would not discuss any of her difficulties.

So, it seems she was just some company/booty call.

They would go 2 weeks at a time without a phone call or even text message.

It seems he had it figured out how to keep his sanity, but it sounds like a horrible relationship to be in from both sides, unless you are really that heartless.
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