Before or after marriage?

[Faith1520]

I notice many of you were not just dating your ex w/BPD, but married to them... .some for many, many years. For those of you who were married, did they start to show symptoms of the disorder before you were married or was it not until after the fact? And if it was after, how long into the marriage did it take for them to show that side of themselves? Just curious.

[4kidz]

my uBPDw definitely showed signs while we were dating, we dated for 5 years before marrying. I had no clue as to what to make of it. Wish I knes about this mental illness. Additionally, this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. Things really started getting tough when we had to co parent( each of us had children from our 1st marriages). So i would say the symptons started right away and still carry on today... .

[Painterly2014]

As I think about it there were red flags right from the very beginning. I didn't recognize them because he was so charming and good at the mirroring and telling me everything I wanted to hear (that's a red flag right there).  He was so good at that.  Like a constant smoke screen. Yeah the signs were there, they were neon... but the smoke screen was to thick to see through and the hooks were in deep.

[Pingo]

I regret to say that I was with my uBPDexh for 3 yrs before I married him, it was a spontaneous elopement.  We were married for a year less a few days before I asked him to leave the last time.  He most definitely showed his true colours before we were married.  I am still trying to figure out how I convinced myself that it was a good idea.  Things did get worse afterwards though.  But I think it's because I started calling him on his crap and he became more and more possessive and secretive.  We did have a few really great months after the wedding, a second honeymoon phase.  Marrying him was maybe the biggest mistake I've ever made. 

[Lucky Jim]

Great question, Faith!

Sure, my Ex showed symptoms before our marriage, yet I had never heard of BPD and had no idea that she was exhibiting signs of a personality disorder.  Some attributed her behavior to pre-wedding jitters and anxiety due to a lack of commitment while dating.  Also, she had been sexually assaulted as a teenager, so some of it I thought was hyper-sensitivity to being in a r/s that naturally brought up feelings from the assault.  Others suggested that PMS could be the culprit.  Who knew?

I will say that the symptoms grew progressively worse over time, yet it was not until about 9 years into the marriage that a therapist loaned me the book, Walking on Eggshells.  At first I was reluctant to jump on the BPD bandwagon, but had to acknowledge that the book describing our r/s to a "T."  That led me to this forum and years of trying to improve things based upon that knowledge.

It's a long story . . .

LuckyJim

[Elpis]

For me, I really thought my uBPDh was everything I'd ever wanted. He was charming and kind and funny and of course in the pre-marriage dating time he was very attentive.

But then what did I know? I grew up in a house with a functional alcoholic for a father and a likely Narcissistic mother, and dysfunction was the order of the day!

As time went on I noticed things changing but I didn't trust my own instincts because he was full of a million reasons why this or that had happened. One of the strangest things to me was when I realized that if I asked for the smallest affectionate gesture he'd get angry with me. And lets just say i'm a really slow learner and I didn't want to admit how difficult the marriage was and I didn't want to disturb the family, so I kept talking myself into putting up with stuff.

That's how you end up married for 38 years and only finally taking care of yourself!

i'd imagine there were signs when we were dating, but I was young and didn't see them. Plus he was willing to use that charm of his on me back then, but that stopped eventually in marriage.

[Turkish]

Mine exhibited push-pull behavior on the first date. She also warned me that she was not over (still in love with and idealizing) the bf who had left her almost two years previously. There were a few times in the friendship stage, which was after the first date where at the end she said, "I'm notready to date and dint want a be," where I should have detached. I was pissed. I believe it was the very next night where she texted me to ask if I wanted to go to a movie. I was still pissed, but the immature Turkey inside me said, "give love a chance, what do you have to lose?" Two months later... .maybe less (that was 7 years ago), we were official. About 3-4 months after that, I moved in another poor decision on my part when I had lousy boundaries: "Why don't you want to move in, don't you love me?" Amidst much crying and anger,.as I had been voicing my reservations.

Several months later, I started searching on why the r/s was so difficult. I'm easy going,.and the opposite of controlling (she even said she appreciated that about me). A thought entered my mind, "it's almost like she has a PD or something," even though I had no idea what a PD was, really. I chose to take a survey class in geology (or maybe it was cultural anthropology) in college instead of psych, not that it would have mattered. I dismissed my armchair dX.

Months later, a couple of months after she gave me permission to ask her to marry me (having in the beginning expressed almost a vehement hatred of marriage), I did. I had mistakenly bought her the wrong size chow mein. We were at a park. I had run in to get take out, as we had usually done together. I had never observed that she always got the slightly smaller portion. She started being verbally abusive, calling me stupid and unobservant, and why didn't I know to get her the smaller size. Like the movie date-that-was-not-a-date, I stuffed my first instict: show her the engagement ring, then toss it into the lake and break up with her.

I instead dropped to one knee, in the middle of her raging, and proposed. Instant mood change and a "Yes!" She said later that anyone who would ask her to get married knowing she acted like that was a keeper. That's why I cringe whenever I see that Marilyn Monroe meme, "If you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

What's my lesson? My boundaries lacked substance, driven by my low self esteem in that I didn't think I could do better. I should have quit the game at strike 1.

A couple of months later, I agreed to have a baby with her. Then two years later, again against my better judgement (which she put on me later after we broke up and I was honest about why I didn't want a second child with her), I agreed to another kid. Strike 6 by now? I lost count.

[billypilgrim]

Relationship lasted just over 6 years (we had just shared our 2nd wedding anniversary a month prior to her walking out).  We dated for 2 years, then moved in together.  Lived together for a year prior to getting engaged, and then got married.  So 2 years living separately, 2 years engaged, 2 years married. 

Looking back now, it's easy to see red flags literally from day one.  But I honestly didn't start picking up on some serious issues with her emotions until maybe 6 months or so before she left.  I couldn't win at anything I did.  Not that I ever really did but there were good days/weeks sprinkled in with her through out the earlier years. 

The last 6 months were hell.  Everything was my fault.  She didn't love me anymore.  Yet she wanted children with me, so much so that she sent me baby names a week before she left and reminded me the she was still taking her pre-natal vitamins the day before she left.  I excused all of this away - "marriage is hard," "I've been busy at work," or "we'll get back to the good days again."  I was in a fog. 

I had learned how to survive.  I learned all the little things I needed to do to make sure the relationship kept clicking.  I learned to not question her feelings when she was incensed.  I learned to avoid conflict with her like the plague.  I learned not to try to out argue her whenever we had a "disagreement" - they weren't really disagreements, I was usually just being reprimanded for something.  I had gotten so used to the rollercoaster that I was just waiting for that next ascent back up before the inevitable drop, only this time the ascent back up never came and I was left blindsided.  The ups and downs became normal and that's why I was so shocked when she left.  Some marriage.

So I guess she showed her true self from day one.  I just didn't pick up on it until after she left and my therapist pointed me here.

[OutOfEgypt]

She showed signs before we married.  There were major red flags, all of which I ignored because I was young, dumb, and had no idea that such people existed.  I thought that because we "loved" each other, everything would be okay.  She didn't pass into the needy clinger and then punisher phases of the relationship until after we married, however.

[peiper]

Definitely before but I just chalked it up to the fact we didn't know eachother that we'll yet. Later she moved in. And out five times. So I started talking to a T and he's the one that said she sounds BPD. He was right. Who else but someone with mental problems cheats a month after getting married.?

[Tiepje3]

He's American, I'm European. We had a long distance relationship for two years until he moved over here. We got married one year later. I didn't know about BPD/NPD. I always thought his strange behaviour was due to cultural differences, language problems (interpretation), both dealing with a divorce, him being ten years older. Always trying to find excuses. I almost didn't marry him, cried the day before, but felt compelled do do it, because everybody was flying in, didn't want to let people down, thought our love would overcome our problems etc. One year into the marriage we broke up for five months and almost divorced. Got back together again, had two fantastic years until work stress triggered him and he was spiralling down again until he found a replacement, and I don't share!

I guess I was the 'rescuer', going to show him what it was like to be loved completely, to be appreciated (he had a bad marriage before me, exW was addicted to prescription drugs). My kids loved him to death and now he is like 'dead'. Haven't heard from him nor seen him for two months now. Don't even know (I have no reason to, according to him) where he lives. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. One big rollercoaster, red flags all over the place, but me being ignorant, caring, loving, denying, finding excuses.

I'm still in my angry emotions. There will come a day when I will be grateful for all the good times we had, just not now... .

[peiper]

He's American, I'm European. We had a long distance relationship for two years until he moved over here. We got married one year later. I didn't know about BPD/NPD. I always thought his strange behaviour was due to cultural differences, language problems (interpretation), both dealing with a divorce, him being ten years older. Always trying to find excuses. I almost didn't marry him, cried the day before, but felt compelled do do it, because everybody was flying in, didn't want to let people down, thought our love would overcome our problems etc. One year into the marriage we broke up for five months and almost divorced. Got back together again, had two fantastic years until work stress triggered him and he was spiralling down again until he found a replacement, and I don't share!

I guess I was the 'rescuer', going to show him what it was like to be loved completely, to be appreciated (he had a bad marriage before me, exW was addicted to prescription drugs). My kids loved him to death and now he is like 'dead'. Haven't heard from him nor seen him for two months now. Don't even know (I have no reason to, according to him) where he lives. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. One big rollercoaster, red flags all over the place, but me being ignorant, caring, loving, denying, finding excuses.

I'm still in my angry emotions. There will come a day when I will be grateful for all the good times we had, just not now... .

Don't beat yourself up. We all got burned pretty much the same. Hang in there.

[downwhim]

My friends and family say I dodged a bullet. The best gift he gave me was to call off the engagement and go get a rebounder. I would have been stuck. He would have treated me like crap. I know it. Once he had me I would have been his possession and the rages would have been more frequent... .I just know it. It was his house, his terms and I was smart enough to know that wasn't working for me so I never physically moved in. Whew... .I guess he did me a favor. Now, rebound can deal with the ups and downs but I am sure for awhile he will be prince charming... .

[Mercury2Pluto]

It was 3 months after the wedding.  I was familiar with BPD from a family member of a former relationship and had read Stop Walking on Eggshells back then.  It never occurred to me that BPD was present in this case until she said the words "Whenever someone is upset I always assume it is because of me". 

I was well aware of BPD thought patterns and my heart sank.  I thought over and over Please no, Please no, Please not BPD, Please let it be something else.   Around this time she experienced a series of crises, a break down, and a dramatic change in behavior.  Prior to this she had been the nicest person I had ever met.  A few weeks after the heart sinking day I described her new pattern of suicide threats, accusations and rages to my doctor.  The Dr said "I can't diagnose her, but you really really need to read Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Until then I had a thread of hope that it could be something else.

[downwhim]

 :'( sorry to hear all of this... .

[vortex of confusion]

I've been with mine for 16.5 years. In hindsight, there were little things that he did before we were married that could have been read flags but they could have also just as easily been explained by other things.

I knew something wasn't quite right in the first week of marriage when he was looking at porn and taking care of himself instead of being with his eager new bride. But, it could be explained away. Like Elpis mentioned, mine was really good at explaining things away and justifying his behavior. Because of that and the fact that his craziness was still way less crazy and way more normal than a lot of the stuff in my FOO, I didn't make a big deal out of it. With each kid that we had, he would get a little bit worse. When our oldest two were younger, he was a pretty fun dad for the most part. By the time we had our fourth child, he was pretty checked out, grumpy, and nearly impossible to deal with. My husband has an underlying sex addiction. I had never heard of BPD until finding this site. Sex addiction alone did NOT account for a lot of the things that I was seeing. When I found this site, I was looking for more resources about how to cope with being the spouse of a sex addict.

[jhkbuzz]

my uBPDw definitely showed signs while we were dating, we dated for 5 years before marrying. I had no clue as to what to make of it. Wish I knes about this mental illness. Additionally, this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. Things really started getting tough when we had to co parent( each of us had children from our 1st marriages). So i would say the symptons started right away and still carry on today... .

Can you explain that more?  I had the same experience, and am wondering how it was for you.

[going places]

I notice many of you were not just dating your ex w/BPD, but married to them... .some for many, many years. For those of you who were married, did they start to show symptoms of the disorder before you were married or was it not until after the fact? And if it was after, how long into the marriage did it take for them to show that side of themselves? Just curious.

We were very young when we met.

I came from a home that had it's issues, so I thought exh behavior was "normal".

I had 3 kids in 4 years, so I was in 'full blown mommy mode'... .so exh folded right in.

Looking back I can see small red flags... .but NOTHING like the one dropped on me 2 weeks after our 20 year wedding anniversary. That is when his mask fell off and I could see the demon behind the mask... .

The next 3 years were a horror story that would make satan himself shield his eyes... .

Because of the way I was raised / treated as a child... .things that are abnormal, unacceptable, abusive?

I thought they were 'normal'.

Now that I am older, more educated on the matter, etc. I can guide the kids (now young adults) and let them know that what 'appeared' normal, was not; it was abuse.

And then pray they never, ever get in a relationship like this in their lives.

[peiper]

I notice many of you were not just dating your ex w/BPD, but married to them... .some for many, many years. For those of you who were married, did they start to show symptoms of the disorder before you were married or was it not until after the fact? And if it was after, how long into the marriage did it take for them to show that side of themselves? Just curious.

We were very young when we met.

I came from a home that had it's issues, so I thought exh behavior was "normal".

I had 3 kids in 4 years, so I was in 'full blown mommy mode'... .so exh folded right in.

Looking back I can see small red flags... .but NOTHING like the one dropped on me 2 weeks after our 20 year wedding anniversary. That is when his mask fell off and I could see the demon behind the mask... .

The next 3 years were a horror story that would make satan himself shield his eyes... .

Because of the way I was raised / treated as a child... .things that are abnormal, unacceptable, abusive?

I thought they were 'normal'.

Now that I am older, more educated on the matter, etc. I can guide the kids (now young adults) and let them know that what 'appeared' normal, was not; it was abuse.

And then pray they never, ever get in a relationship like this in their lives.

Let's pray none of our children go through this.

[Elpis]

I do see in my grown kids how my girls have chosen men with control issues in certain areas of their lives... .

Elpis

[Painterly2014]

I see that my daughter has married a man with childish control issues and really full of himself.  I am worried for her.  Sickening to think I have given her that legacy.