My BPDw loves to create chaos and her own suffering

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw just likes to minimally focus on me and mostly on herself and how she is so very important. She was gone for several days, and the whole conversation was about how she did this, how she did that, how she has to do so much more at school, how much stress she is suffering, how she has to deal with minor stuff when she gets back here, and will really not focus on me hardly at all. She likes to create chaos to show how she suffers; yet, she is the one who is creating her own stress. She doesn't have to go to school. She is choosing to attend school and work, and she wants me to thus focus on her with again very minimal emphasis on me. Granted, I could speak up, and I have; yet, it becomes "that's nice" and she reverts to her "poor me" story. Frankly, it gets very tiring. Also, it is almost like she is trying to impose her stress, her suffering onto me; yet, I am not going to buy it. It is of her own making. That is why I feel so all alone in this relationship. That is why it feels so good to be around others in which we all get along with one another and listen to one another. In fact, today, a student asked me if I ever get mad, because she has never seen me get mad during the 1 1/2 years she has had me as her teacher. I said I just get frustrated. BTW, just to tease her and she knew I was joking, I asked her if she wanted me to get mad at her, and she laughingly said no.

[Samuel S.]

BTW, my BPDw was the very same person who told me just recently that she is not going to control anything anymore. That's good in one sense that she did that in the past; yet, it just shows how manipulative she was in the past and how manipulative she is now, manipulative to want to have all the attention placed upon herself without hardly any regard to anyone around her, that her life is more important than others. In fact, she admitted just recently that others are "just other people in the stream of life". Hmmm! I am sure if someone were to say something like that about her deceased daughter, that she would be rightfully and extremely hurt. Again, she just loves to create chaos!

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate. There have been so many times when he freaks out or gets upset over the smallest things.

He is a sex addict and everything is about him and his recovery. He acts like I have not suffered one little bit. When I try to talk to him about how I feel as a result of his behavior towards me, he gets super defensive and upset like I am horrible for being upset with him. He is struggling so hard and his problems are the most important. It is maddening for sure.

Tonight, I was joking around with our oldest daughter. She and I are both real smart a$$es and we banter back and forth about completely inane stuff. Sometimes, we will have conversations that are based on nothing but complete sarcasm. He won't even be part of the conversation but at some point we might say something that he interprets as us making fun of him or targeting him. Anyway, we said something and he got upset and said he was going to bed. He was clearly bothered. After he walked off, our daughter said, "Mom, why does dad take everything so personally?" I couldn't answer and she made some remark later about dad being off in his room being butt hurt. This was all over something my daughter and I said while joking around and it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

[Perdita]

Hi Samuel and Vortex.    Yup same here.  All about him all of the time.  You know what I realized right this minute?  The only time he makes it about me is when he is telling me that I am the problem.  My imagination is over active, I'm always looking for something to twist around.  Blah Blah.  That's the only time he is "interested" in me.  I really have told him exactly how he has hurt me.  Long letters expressing my feelings etc.  He will say things like "I'm sorry for hurting you", but he never ever actually talks about the things that hurt me or says anything that shows me that he understands what it does to me.  It's the old thing of zero empathy.

One thing I suggest to make life easier: get small earphones and stick that in your ears and enjoy some good tunes when they are yapping away about their struggles.  Turn to them and nod in agreement every 30 seconds or so.    Why must they always drain us of all our energy and our peace?

Samuel, I think we should all start focusing more on having lives of our own.  Activities and hobbies we can enjoy without them.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I intend to start creating a new life for myself.  For almost 2 years it has been ALL ABOUT HIM.  We all need to start taking our lives back, to remember who we once were and become those great people once again.  I feel our identities have been eroding away and that is part of the reason why they have so much power over us.  Let's start putting a whole lot of focus on doing for ourselves.  Maybe we can keep a thread going just for that purpose of telling each other what we are doing to focus on ourselves and to use the thread to encourage each other to keep it up.  Is there maybe a thread like that somewhere on the board?  MODERATORS where should such a thread be opened? 

[parisian]

Samuel, I think we should all start focusing more on having lives of our own.  Activities and hobbies we can enjoy without them.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I intend to start creating a new life for myself.  For almost 2 years it has been ALL ABOUT HIM.  We all need to start taking our lives back, to remember who we once were and become those great people once again.  I feel our identities have been eroding away and that is part of the reason why they have so much power over us.  Let's start putting a whole lot of focus on doing for ourselves.  Maybe we can keep a thread going just for that purpose of telling each other what we are doing to focus on ourselves and to use the thread to encourage each other to keep it up.  Is there maybe a thread like that somewhere on the board?  MODERATORS where should such a thread be opened? 

Perdita, that is so important - in any relationship, but I think even more so when you are with a BPD.

It was something I let slip during my 1.5 year r/s, and why I probably struggled so much. I think if I had had my own interesting, busy life, it would have been easier to transition from the break up. I came out with nothing and have had to start re-establishing friendships (my friends didn't want to hang out with her - she got aggressive in conversation with them), getting back into hobbies and the things I enjoy. If I had kept those up, it would have been a useful distraction 

[Perdita]

Perdita, that is so important - in any relationship, but I think even more so when you are with a BPD.

I can't believe how much I lost of myself in this relationship.  I don't understand how it happened.  This is not usual for me to lose myself in this way.

It was something I let slip during my 1.5 year r/s, and why I probably struggled so much. I think if I had had my own interesting, busy life, it would have been easier to transition from the break up. I came out with nothing and have had to start re-establishing friendships (my friends didn't want to hang out with her - she got aggressive in conversation with them), getting back into hobbies and the things I enjoy. If I had kept those up, it would have been a useful distraction 

It is very easy to let it slip.  I am determined to get back to my own life and I am actually getting really excited about having my old self back, because that woman was actually not so bad.    I am just worried that I will slip again.  Kind of like an alcoholic that needs to go to meetings to stay sober.  That's why I feel a thread here that can be kept going about focusing on ourselves will be a huge help.

[parisian]

Perdita, an excellent idea - especially if it gets you out of the house regularly, and with some 'normal' adult company.

With any relationship, you can't get everything from that one person and so have to look for other (appropriate) ways to get what you need. It's unfortunate with BPD relationships though, sometimes it feels like everything is missing.

But if you can give some time and energy doing those things you love, those things that give you a lift, those things that make you feel good when you do them, it makes putting up with all the other drama and pain a bit easier hopefully.

[Samuel S.]

Perdita and all, yes, OUR true joy for us non BPDs is outside the relationships with our BPDs. That is OUR true sanity as well! I teach and tutor part-time, work out, write books, go to movies, and get together with friends and rarely with relatives because they live so far away unfortunately. Without those things I am doing, I would be a basket case. I would go crazy. If I bring up my joys to my BPDw, I am discounted. If she brings up her joys but mostly chaos and sufferings, I need to be all ears. BTW, Perdita, if I were to wear ear plugs, she would call me insensitive for not paying attention to her. Yeah, she is selfish, and the world needs to revolve around her. She had a horrible childhood with a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive mother. Well, my BPDw is being verbally and emotionally abusive. AND she puts down her mother for being that way!

So, on with OUR lives, OUR precious lives where we can take care of OURSELVES along with the understanding, loving, appreciating, and helping others! 

[Perdita]

BTW, Perdita, if I were to wear ear plugs, she would call me insensitive for not paying attention to her.

This is when it helps to have long hair.  Hide those earphones easily.

Yeah, she is selfish, and the world needs to revolve around her. She had a horrible childhood with a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive mother. Well, my BPDw is being verbally and emotionally abusive. AND she puts down her mother for being that way!

This is not uncommon.  It is strange that some people don't realize they've turned into the parent they hated. 

So, on with OUR lives, OUR precious lives where we can take care of OURSELVES along with the understanding, loving, appreciating, and helping others! 

[JarMan]

So many of these threads describe my relationship so closely it's almost spooky. Ever since day 1 my wife has tried to prevent me from ever leaving the house to pursue a hobby, to see family or friends, or to do anything. Early on I just decided that she can complain, try to guilt me and threaten to leave all she wants, but I have to have some time for myself. She used to threaten suicide when I had to work late, saying that if I wasn't home in x amount of minutes, she would be dead on the floor when I walked in. At some point I stopped caring whether she was dead or alive when I got home. I even secretly wished one day she would be dead. When she realized I didn't care anymore she stopped using that tactic. That was over 20 years ago.

[Samuel S.]

JarMan, it is interesting you mentioned how your BPD tried to manipulate into staying at your home, and I am so glad that you stood your grounds not to be manipulated!

Although it was not as glaring as your situation, my BPDw tried to manipulate me to stay at home here on a Sunday. I just found out that a good friend from high school days was in the ER some 90 miles away. He called me up and was really scared about what was happening to him. I automatically said I would go there to him to comfort him. My BPDw tried to persuade me to stay with her. I then said to her that if a friend of hers out of town would have called her up, that my BPDw probably would go to her side. I mentioned to my BPDw that I would not interefere with her wish to go there. I did say that my BPDw was more than welcome to come with me and that we could do something for fun afterward. My BPDw decided to stay, and I left.

When I returned after my friend was feeling better, my BPDw meekly asked if he was okay, and that was the end of the conversation.

Bottom line, our BPDs are selfish and uncaring about others.

[parisian]

Reminds me of the day my grandma died. I went to see the BPDg/f and I cried about my grandma's death.

BPDg/f actually gave me a hug when I was upset. She then told me her Dad had gone to hospital, and was in overnight for observation with suspected concussion.

Not even half an our later I made a small, miscellaneous comment (I can't even remember what it was about), and she gets angry at me and claims: 'my Dad's in hospital you know'

Mm. yes. I know. Your Dad is in hospital, and my grandmother just died. Thanks for the compassion... .thanks for getting angry at me when I'm sad and distressed.

It is always all about them. Sometimes it feels as though you don't exist and are not allowed to have any emotions of your own.

Another day I agreed to have lunch with her. I think my PTSD was starting to come on and I started crying in the car. For no reason. I just started to cry. She asked what was wrong and I said I didn't know what was making me upset. That was the last conversation for hours then. We sat at lunch, me with tears streaming down my face, and she said nothing.

I realise their own emotions are too much for them to handle, let alone our own. I did not know she was BPD at that time, and couldn't understand how she could be so cold.

[Perdita]

It is always all about them. Sometimes it feels as though you don't exist and are not allowed to have any emotions of your own.

Couldn't have said it better myself.  They can't seem to relate to our emotions at all.  You can tell them in every way possible and draw a picture and they still don't get it.  However, when it is an emotion they are having . . . 

[vortex of confusion]

It is always all about them. Sometimes it feels as though you don't exist and are not allowed to have any emotions of your own.

Couldn't have said it better myself.  They can't seem to relate to our emotions at all.  You can tell them in every way possible and draw a picture and they still don't get it.  However, when it is an emotion they are having . . . 

If I had a nickel for every time my husband said mean things and then followed it up with, "I'm just trying to express my feelings. You are always saying that I need to do a better job of expressing myself."

[Perdita]

If I had a nickel for every time my husband said mean things and then followed it up with, "I'm just trying to express my feelings. You are always saying that I need to do a better job of expressing myself."

Interesting how many of them have no problem expressing emotions that are hurtful to us.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has no problem, either, in expressing hurtful feelings, but will crumble up in a ball, if her feelings would be hurt by someone else. Also, my BPDw conveniently forgets all the hurtful things that she has said and done to me. The only way she is able to "apologize" is by preparing meals for us. BTW, my T said that I should never expect my BPDw to apologize, but will do so in indirect ways, instead. They are incapable of admitting mistakes.

Interestingly, BTW, my BPDw recognizes that her own mother who was extremely physically and emotionally abusive when she was younger is now "apologizing" by giving her food.

One of many conclusions I have about a BPD is that they are bullies! In the meantime, you and I are hurt, frustrated, and angry to the max! You and I live in a lonely world with our BPDs! Also, and this is extremely hard for me to admit, I take it out on myself by eating and drinking the wrong things. Yeah, I know I have an eating disorder, but I do exercise about 5 times a week just to be around sane people!

[Samuel S.]

Well, my BPDw did it again! Along with earning a retirement income, I realize I needed to earn more money to help cover expenses while she definitely makes a lot of good money. So, I have tutored and taught part-time along with writing books. Today, I tutored a student, and it just so happens that I have now over 400 hours of tutoring, meaning that I have earned a raise. When I proudly shared this with her, she of course (sarcasm all intended) said that SHE chose the right profession so that she could earn a lot of money, etc. So, lost in her monologue was the fact that I am able to contribute more to our expenses.

If I were to make a big deal out of this, it would just create a big argument which I don't need.

About 15 minutes later, she came up to me, kissed me, hugged me, and left my room, meaning that she knows that I try my best.

While this was a nice gesture, it only covers up that many more times that she has been verbally and emotionally abusive. This time was mild in comparison to some of the other spiteful, extremely hurtful things she has said, such as when I was in the hospital 3 different times within 9 months. The 2nd time, she told me while I was in the hospital bed, that this was going to cost a lot of money. BTW, I have 3 insurance policies, and I paid nothing for any of the 3 different times.

If I tell her to stop, she will be hurt and just continue later on. I've done this, and it doesn't work.