Am i detaching in a way?

[Climbmountains91]

I feel lately ive been detaching. After being all over the boards and deciding a few weeks ago after getting me back into a recycle to go with it. At the moment in his words were taking it slow, seeing where stuff goes and he will be going into a BPD therapy group soon which in his words he wants it to help him. Fair to him he does attend every appointment though he cancelled his consultant appointment this week because it clashed with his "gardening group" which he just uses for company and to mess around in, I felt the consultant app would of been more important but hey.  A part of me thinks maybe have faith in him, maybe he really means it this time, just wait this one out. Were not together in this recycle his still an ex were just "taking things slow" which I'm getting sick and tired of hearing and maybe he can do this and we can be this "happy family" as we have a daughter together.  But my logic says that I've gotten to a point where i just want to find someone i can be happy with, settle down, have a good time with instead of my exBPD who is immature, doesn't wanna work or have ambition as he doesn't want to lose his benefits, just plays games all day and watches stupid Youtube videos, drinks till he passes out everynight, cant sleep with me if we were in a relationship and isn't a father to our daughter. He asked me tonight how he could be a better father? I know he feels guilty. Also having feelings for other girls etc... Look on past threads if you want to know more.

Im just so sick of the excuses "oh I'm disabled" well you aren't physically. "Oh were just going through a rough patch" which has been said for months) "oh I've got mental health problems but i cant help it" bla bla bla... . 

I never thought id get to this point where id look at him and feel so empty, its all words, no actions, last few weeks i don't even feel physically attracted to him anymore when a few weeks ago id do anything to keep him. I just want him to step up, get off his fat lazy ass and be a dad to our daughter who is getting to that age now where shes getting to know who people are and it scares me. He can go two months without seeing her but goes on how shes a blessing, he loves her, misses her etc... Its like a sudden change in my feelings overnight, i don't think about him as i did weeks ago or want what we had back because I've realised it never will, it took a bit of time i must say. Its like I'm hanging onto this last thread of him saying he wants to change and work stuff out with us but with little action but my heart wants to hang on to that last thread and have that faith. If that makes sense?

I know he's got a lot going on, he's got a lot of problems but something has to give. Do i be there for him or run? I know only i can decide that. Do i even love him anymore? I just feel so cold towards him, were not compatible, hell never change, hell always be an immature little boy. Its ok to be immature but come on. Lately as well I've been distant with him, not answering his texts as much and he's calls then i cave in because of that last thread and he's like "why you ignoring me" i tell him I've been busy seeing friends and he moans about that, he goes on about my weight and says i need to put weight on, kinda controls what i eat when I'm with him which is once a week. Ive never been distant like this with him before. Im always at his feet when he calls but lately i just cant be bothered anymore. Urgh i dont know. What he says i dont seem bothered about anymore when he talks about "us". When he asks to hang out and stuff i tell him "ill let you know" and other little changes ive seen in myself i feel like im making some kind of surely but slow progress?


Sorry if this is a vent. My feelings are in knots at the moment.

[Elpis]

That does sound like you're detaching slowly. If the goal of detaching is so that we aren't pulled into their drama etc. and so that their demands and wants don't have the same hold on us, well YEP i'd say you're headed that direction!

I know that once I started seeing just how many things I had counted on with my uBPDh ended up being just words backed by no actions, then I started to detach a bit. That's when I started grieving the loss of the relationship I had wanted it to be. Sounds like you're becoming more aware of the truth of the matter and no longer being fooled by the plans and dreams.

And you're seeing where your own goals and dreams are different than what you will ever have with him. That's a huge step toward detaching! What it sounds like to me is that the truth is speaking to you and your heart is changing.

[Climbmountains91]

That does sound like you're detaching slowly. If the goal of detaching is so that we aren't pulled into their drama etc. and so that their demands and wants don't have the same hold on us, well YEP i'd say you're headed that direction!

I know that once I started seeing just how many things I had counted on with my uBPDh ended up being just words backed by no actions, then I started to detach a bit. That's when I started grieving the loss of the relationship I had wanted it to be. Sounds like you're becoming more aware of the truth of the matter and no longer being fooled by the plans and dreams.

And you're seeing where your own goals and dreams are different than what you will ever have with him. That's a huge step toward detaching! What it sounds like to me is that the truth is speaking to you and your heart is changing.

Thank you for your reply Elpis. Your insight is so right. i feel like I've emotionally I've broken free of the chains apart from one chain. I cant say no to him about when he asks me to meet up. Like today he told me he brought our daughter an advent calendar, i made the stupidest mistake by telling him I'm going to town and he was like ill meet you in town so i make sure you eat your losing weight by the minute. I was trying so darn hard to say I'm ok I'm fine I've got a lot to do anyway but he insisted and then i was like after the phone call for FFS why am i so weak, just stand up for yourself woman and say NO! He's so insisting. Now I'm just beating myself up. How can i just say no in a civil way next time? I felt so miserable, drained and like i wanted to cry. He just goes on and on about crap thats never interesting. Why am i letting him controlling me. I want to let go of this last chain! Its so nice he cares in a way but I'm an adult. He just an immature little idiot. All i feel is anger towards him. As i said all i want him to be is a father to our daughter.

[Elpis]

I understand that feeling of weakness, I really do! And I understand that bit where they go on and on talking about things we don't honestly care about but they like having us as their sounding board, mine is exactly like that too.

It's a practice thing, like every other skill we want to learn and build. The simpler the answer the better. It helps if you can look at it more like you're being polite to a stranger at the door, just "no thank you" in a bland manner. No explanations, no allowing him to "take care of you" like he seems to think he is, just "no." Or even "thanks, i'll pick that up but I won't be stopping."

Have you spent time yet at the co-parenting board? I think that would be super helpful for questions like these since you're going to need support and guidance for how to deal with him in the relationship with your child. Mine were all grown when I left so it was different for me.

Do try to understand for  yourself that we are all going to try and fail sometimes in our goals... .it's part of the learning! And we are so used to The Familiar that it's easy to be drawn back into old ways of being with them. My T would tell me "when you see him wiggle your toes in your shoes to remind yourself to react in new ways." That was helpful! Somehow we have to do something to signal to our brains that we are now working under new boundaries so we will stop before we do the same old things.

I think you just got caught up in The Familiar. Don't beat yourself up! It happens to all of us, especially in the beginning of forming new ways of dealing with our ex-partners. 

Elpis

[Mutt]

i just want to find someone i can just plays games all day and watches stupid Youtube videos, drinks till he passes out everynight, cant sleep with me if we were in a relationship and isn't a father to our daughter. He asked me tonight how he could be a better father? I know he feels guilty. Also having feelings for other girls etc... Look on past threads if you want to know more.

Im just so sick of the excuses "oh I'm disabled" well you aren't physically. "Oh were just going through a rough patch" which has been said for months) "oh I've got mental health problems but i cant help it" bla bla bla... . 

I never thought id get to this point where id look at him and feel so empty, its all words, no actions, last few weeks i don't even feel physically attracted to him anymore when a few weeks ago id do anything to keep him. I just want him to step up, get off his fat lazy ass and be a dad to our daughter who is getting to that age now where shes getting to know who people are and it scares me.

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. - Pope John XXIII

Being a dad is rewarding.

Being a dad isn't a chore.

I'm also a step dad. My SD is like my real child to me. It broke my heart her dad abandoned her and was absent. Being a dad to a kid isn't something that gets in the way of video games, YouTube videos and drinking.

You have to grow up and step up to plate for the kids. You have to have your heart in it or you don't.

You also have a right to be happy with someone that loves and cares for you and your D.

I think you may know the answer. I think you may need a little nudge.

What's holding you back? What are your feelings? Are you scared?