Where do I go from here?

[downwhim]

I got divorced 8 years ago and within 2 weeks I met my exBPD. Of course at the time I had no idea what he was really like. He charmed me, listened to me, helped me remodel my condo. I thought it was . We dated for 9 months before the first rage came out. He got mad because I mentioned my ex husband and he dumped me out in the middle of a parking lot Sunday night miles from my home. We broke up a few months and we emailed one another and back we were. I thought he was the love of my life and ignored all the red flags and just how he was hooking me and making himself invaluable.

I am not sure why we broke up the second time. I know he ended up calling me the c word which is disgusting and he was also in a lot of pain with his neck which he eventually got surgery for. We were broken up 18 months. If I was smart I would have run and never looked back. I dated other guys but missed him. Had to have been my sickness and codependency call me back to the drama. So, he emailed me some joke and hooked me again just like a fish. We went on vacation and he screamed at me the last night. We had had so much fun and no issues then he picked a fight at 4 am! Another break. I could not handle the yelling. Cut me to the core and made me anxious all the time. I wanted to run away which I did many times from him. Space, air, breathe, I hated to pull up in front of his house because I never knew what mood I would get. The break ups were taking a toll on me. Physically and emotionally I was a wreck. I walked on eggshells most of the time and what drew me in once, sex and intimacy was fading.

My family and friends couldn't understand the guy. He is this tall good looking man that talks to no one. She hardly shares any personal information, has no friends, is on disability and takes lots of pain medication. Doesn't sound like anyone I would pick as I write this.

Fast forward 8 years, engagement, him cheating, calling off engagement, lying, my insecurity is at a high and here we are. I have practiced NC for 7 weeks now. I am starting to feel better. The pit in my stomach is not happening as often. I realize now I was getting NOTHING out of the relationship the last several months. His way, his controlling and manipulative way. It is exhausting. I do not know where to go from here so I am trying to learn about this disease and climb my way out of this mess. He is with rebound now. My family can't stand him and the way he has treated me. I am starting to think this was not love all these years but addiction. He rescued me and 8 years later used me up.

[Jos]

   Glad you are here! You seem to be at a crossroads. You are free to decide, although that decision may feel daunting. You seem to have good insight. Trust it. You know what the picture looks like along the path you have already traveled. You are free as a bird! And I bet that when you consider your life today, you'll notice that there are a lot fewer problems. You're free! Having tried some new paths, I can confirm that they are good and rewarding, better than going back. I haven't tried them all yet, but I have tried (somewhat) going back, getting involved with another BPD, being single and enjoying the company of the well-balanced. I have also tried the path of working on myself. I'm still on that one, and it is by far the most rewarding to me. Do whatever your heart tells you to do, tempering emotion with knowledge. You're free!

[ynguns2]

I want to congratulate you for stepping up to the plate and coming to this amazing forum filled with men and women going through tough situations and trying to cope with what may seem impossible. With the help and support of others on here you will make many strides towards happiness and also to a brighter future.

[wakingfirst]

Just to say, I relate to a lot of what you say.  The feeling of being rescued and then used up is one I've felt - I don't know why, but my ex wBPD was great at appearing to be my rescuer while actually not being there for me on a day to day basis.  He was too busy with the roller coaster of his own moods.  And he was always able to "hook" me back with a joke here, an outpouring of affection there.

Subsequent to leaving him behind, I found real love - no more roller coaster, no more eggshell walking, just a quiet feeling of valuing and being valued.  Not always easy but always safe and always worth the effort.  My ex is still on his own and doesn't understand why.  He can be an extremely sweet man, but he simply can't do long haul.

You have great contentment and love in your future - trust that.

[NorthernGirl]

Hello downwhim and 

I'm sorry you have been through such a rough time. Thank you for sharing your story. As you'll see from the replies you already have and from other posts on this board, you are not alone. It sounds like you've done some self-reflection to understand your part in what has happened.

Was he diagnosed with BPD or do you just suspect it? what were the behaviors that you can see now that were red flags?

We're glad that you've found our site. If you want to stay NC, ask questions and read other people's posts to help you figure this out.

You're among friends here.   

[downwhim]

Thank you for your comments. I am trying very hard to stay N/C. I tell my self he has moved on and I need to wallow in this pain as part of the process to reach sanity. I need to learn and get better. However I would just like to know where I am going and when this pit will end. I am sure he feels nothing now as BPD's move on without any shame no matter how hard they try and destroy you!

He was not diagnosed. But he pushes/pulls, lies, cheats, paints me white then black, rages, controls, says one thing and does another,etc... .No consistency, no security, the rug gets pulled out from under me and he leaves. If I get too close he pulls away. He has all the symptoms but cutting/suicide attempts. All that I have read about borderlines I have experienced with him. He will never admit he has a problem. I am the problem. It is exhausting but seeing him and being with him I lived with fear and anxiety. How can a person go on like that and not have a heart attack?