Christmas

[non_stuck]

I’m in an anxiety spin and dreading Christmas. I was able to avoid my brother in-law’s girlfriend at Thanksgiving by going to my parents. When she heard that I was going to my parents and my husband was going to his family’s the BPD said, “Oh your husband doesn’t like your family?” If that were true, it would make me very sad, and would be a private matter between myself and my husband.  I wouldn’t discuss it with her. I would say that I can’t believe that she would say that, but she has no boundaries and sees herself as a dear friend even though I do everything I can to avoid her.

She doesn’t go to her own family’s because “it’s too chaotic over the holidays.” I suspect the truth is that she doesn’t get along with her family and isn’t welcome. So this will be the second Christmas dampened by her presence at my MIL’s house. (Last year she got to my sister in-law’s house at 9 AM even though she and my BIL had only dated for 5 months if you subtract the month they broke up.) She didn’t leave until 10 PM and her college age son sat there bored and miserable the whole day. 

I tried to talk to my MIL about the BPD’s behavior and was once again blown off. One of the BPD’s behaviors is insisting on taking pictures of people even if you don’t want her to and then sending them as a hook for involvement. My therapist agreed that it is manipulative. “I give you unwanted attention, and now you must thank me.” I have seen her rantings on her blog and with her last marriage  and she complained that she always took the family photos and tried to record the good times but her photography was never appreciated . . .  So, with a different set of people, she brings her camera again, making the occasion about her. No response to her unwanted photos will be enough.

We will also hear another round of her “parental alienation” BS. She has been barred from visiting her 17 year old daughter. Of course none of it has anything to do with her and everyone where she is from is against her for no reason. I am practicing saying, “I know this must be painful, but I have to be honest and say that I am not the right person to discuss this with.”

My sister in law and her husband who I am fond of are going to their other set of relatives for the holiday so they won't be there as a buffer. We are going to my MIL’s house for two days. The thought of being stuck in a house with her for two days with her lying and manic grin feels like hell. MY husband recognizes that the woman is a liar and manipulative but won’t discuss with his parents. He also won't say, "Mom, we're staying home this year."

She will also start the “we need to get together” crap she always does. The message is “It is obvious that you don’t want to spend time with me because I have been saying I want to get together with you for a year and three months. I don’t care what you want. I will either get my way or I will make every family gathering uncomfortable.” I just want to say, "There is a HUGE difference between you being lonely and my being your friend. If this relationship lasts, we'll have years to spend together but we don't have to force things."

Thank you for reading!

[Kwamina]

Hi non_stuck

The holidays cause a lot of stress and anxiety for many of us. The thought of being confronted with people with BPD again, can be quite overwhelming. When you look back at previous encounters with your brother in-law’s girlfriend, how did you cope wit her? Were there certain things that you found helpful in dealing with her that might also help you now?

Since you're gonna be there, it might help to take a look at some of the communication techniques described on this site. Are you familiar with S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N? S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth and helps you express your truth to the person with BPD in a way that maximizes the possibility of getting through to her yet minimizes the possibility of (further) conflict. D.E.A.R.M.A.N stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate. This technique helps you assert yourself. You can read more about these techniques here:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique