She's back

[Depression = 72% of members]

The very fact that she is having so much difficulty even considering that she might have BPD... goes in favor of BPD diagnosis. Based on what you say... I think she DOES have BPD. Its very hard for them to accept it. But, accepting that something is wrong with them is a good sign in itself. Like mine said... "I don't want to go crazy... .but stress makes me go crazy"

IMO... one should not push for them to accept BPD... just validate their feelings and in very simple kind way point out difficulties about their behavior. What works better is to use generalizations such as "you know... .some people when they come too close to a loved one... start feeling very afraid and that causes problems... so its a good idea to detach from time to time for little while.

What do think about it?'  She will get the information this way without feeling attacked.

Showing pictures of Ex BFs is wicked... a form of triangulation... mine never  ever admits that she had a BF in last 2 years and says how you can even think about me like that. She never even indirectly gave any hints that she was with someone else. She is a big time people pleaser . I told her that "Pleasing people is your full time job... .you do so much for everyone and then, you get exhausted and stressed. Have you ever thought why it is so important for you to please everyone ... including your dog? She laughed and thanked me for understanding.

Interestingly enough, her older sister has been diagnosed with BPD. They both grew up in the same dysfunctional environment.

She had a fear of abandonment problem with me, which I told her is a common thing for those who have BPD. She deflected my comment by saying she doesn't worry like that anymore about men she's involved with. According to her, she's matured and is no longer a scared little girl.

[paperlung]

The very fact that she is having so much difficulty even considering that she might have BPD... goes in favor of BPD diagnosis. Based on what you say... I think she DOES have BPD. Its very hard for them to accept it. But, accepting that something is wrong with them is a good sign in itself. Like mine said... "I don't want to go crazy... .but stress makes me go crazy"

IMO... one should not push for them to accept BPD... just validate their feelings and in very simple kind way point out difficulties about their behavior. What works better is to use generalizations such as "you know... .some people when they come too close to a loved one... start feeling very afraid and that causes problems... so its a good idea to detach from time to time for little while.

What do think about it?'  She will get the information this way without feeling attacked.

Showing pictures of Ex BFs is wicked... a form of triangulation... mine never  ever admits that she had a BF in last 2 years and says how you can even think about me like that. She never even indirectly gave any hints that she was with someone else. She is a big time people pleaser . I told her that "Pleasing people is your full time job... .you do so much for everyone and then, you get exhausted and stressed. Have you ever thought why it is so important for you to please everyone ... including your dog? She laughed and thanked me for understanding.

Interestingly enough, her older sister has been diagnosed with BPD. They both grew up in the same dysfunctional environment.

She had a fear of abandonment problem with me, which I told her is a common thing for those who have BPD. She deflected my comment by saying she doesn't worry like that anymore about men she's involved with. According to her, she's matured and is no longer a scared little girl.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thats called DENIAL... .why she is using denial because it is very painful for her to accept that she has fear of abandonment. So, do not emphasize this again. I would say something like "

"I am glad that you have this ability now to see  the fear is gone or less now... .that means you are growing wise and mature... I know you have the capacity to see that fear and must have tried hard to understand and overcome it." Support... Empathize ... encourage and VALIDATE... VALIDATE .VALIDATE.

[paperlung]

She tried to ask me to hang out today via text but I declined. She first asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I said I had already ate. She then suggested we go bowling later... .I declined.

I wish I knew what was going through her head. Was she just bored and wanted to do something with someone for entertainment? Were her other "guy friends" just unavailable?

I don't think it's possible for me to see her on the reg without getting emotionally attached. I feel like the closer I get, the more I'm going to end up hurt by the same person who hurt me the most in my life.

Sucks caring for someone like this.

[Infared]

She tried to ask me to hang out today via text but I declined. She first asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I said I had already ate. She then suggested we go bowling later... .I declined.

I wish I knew what was going through her head. Was she just bored and wanted to do something with someone for entertainment? Were her other "guy friends" just unavailable?

I don't think it's possible for me to see her on the reg without getting emotionally attached. I feel like the closer I get, the more I'm going to end up hurt by the same person who hurt me the most in my life.

Sucks caring for someone like this.

My pwBPD lived with me for 5 years and abruptly ran off with new supply at Christmas, lying about the relationship.  It totally devastated me. She then, a while after, did some drive-byes and would pull in and try to get out of the car and wanted to say "hi" and just thought she could engage with me and that I would be the same old loving, caring, fun-loving guy, like nothing had happened. (At this point she had acted out in public with new supply in front of me to emotionally harm me many times).  It was so, so painful to me, and bizarre.

It appeared that she magically could not understand why I would not want to talk to her or be near her? All the behavior was like that of a 6th grader. She seemed totally self-involved with what appeared to have no awareness whatsoever how her actions had harmed me. I was/am dumbfounded. Always will be. I was surrounded by healthy support and was able to flat-out tell her to get lost (it damn near killed me). I have no idea what goes on in the minds of these people... but somewhere deep down I just knew that I had to protect myself from more emotional damage. I felt like I was just being toyed with, like a kitten mindlessly, for fun, plays with a grasshopper. It was not an easy time in my life.  Seems you are being treated the same way... .

[paperlung]

She tried to ask me to hang out today via text but I declined. She first asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I said I had already ate. She then suggested we go bowling later... .I declined.

I wish I knew what was going through her head. Was she just bored and wanted to do something with someone for entertainment? Were her other "guy friends" just unavailable?

I don't think it's possible for me to see her on the reg without getting emotionally attached. I feel like the closer I get, the more I'm going to end up hurt by the same person who hurt me the most in my life.

Sucks caring for someone like this.

My pwBPD lived with me for 5 years and abruptly ran off with new supply at Christmas, lying about the relationship.  It totally devastated me. She then, a while after, did some drive-byes and would pull in and try to get out of the car and wanted to say "hi" and just thought she could engage with me and that I would be the same old loving, caring, fun-loving guy, like nothing had happened. (At this point she had acted out in public with new supply in front of me to emotionally harm me many times).  It was so, so painful to me, and bizarre.

It appeared that she magically could not understand why I would not want to talk to her or be near her? All the behavior was like that of a 6th grader. She seemed totally self-involved with what appeared to have no awareness whatsoever how her actions had harmed me. I was/am dumbfounded. Always will be. I was surrounded by healthy support and was able to flat-out tell her to get lost (it damn near killed me). I have no idea what goes on in the minds of these people... but somewhere deep down I just knew that I had to protect myself from more emotional damage. I felt like I was just being toyed with, like a kitten mindlessly, for fun, plays with a grasshopper. It was not an easy time in my life.  Seems you are being treated the same way... .

Indeed, you're right.

Agh. She initiated conversation again via text today. Seems like she sends me text messages almost every day. Most of the time it's just meaningless small talk. Today she says she's getting her nose pierced. Apparently she's into the "alternative" look now. Don't know when that happened. She's getting a ring. I told her that I thought a stud would look better but she said, "I'm trying to go for a different look. One that more so says F off I'm metal as F, than pretty princess diamond girl."

... .I didn't reply, . But then she hits me again a couple hours later saying her sister is picking her up soon to go get it done and that she is nervous. I guess of the piercing pain.

[Infared]

She tried to ask me to hang out today via text but I declined. She first asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I said I had already ate. She then suggested we go bowling later... .I declined.

I wish I knew what was going through her head. Was she just bored and wanted to do something with someone for entertainment? Were her other "guy friends" just unavailable?

I don't think it's possible for me to see her on the reg without getting emotionally attached. I feel like the closer I get, the more I'm going to end up hurt by the same person who hurt me the most in my life.

Sucks caring for someone like this.

My pwBPD lived with me for 5 years and abruptly ran off with new supply at Christmas, lying about the relationship.  It totally devastated me. She then, a while after, did some drive-byes and would pull in and try to get out of the car and wanted to say "hi" and just thought she could engage with me and that I would be the same old loving, caring, fun-loving guy, like nothing had happened. (At this point she had acted out in public with new supply in front of me to emotionally harm me many times).  It was so, so painful to me, and bizarre.

It appeared that she magically could not understand why I would not want to talk to her or be near her? All the behavior was like that of a 6th grader. She seemed totally self-involved with what appeared to have no awareness whatsoever how her actions had harmed me. I was/am dumbfounded. Always will be. I was surrounded by healthy support and was able to flat-out tell her to get lost (it damn near killed me). I have no idea what goes on in the minds of these people... but somewhere deep down I just knew that I had to protect myself from more emotional damage. I felt like I was just being toyed with, like a kitten mindlessly, for fun, plays with a grasshopper. It was not an easy time in my life.  Seems you are being treated the same way... .

Indeed, you're right.

Agh. She initiated conversation again via text today. Seems like she sends me text messages almost every day. Most of the time it's just meaningless small talk. Today she says she's getting her nose pierced. Apparently she's into the "alternative" look now. Don't know when that happened. She's getting a ring. I told her that I thought a stud would look better but she said, "I'm trying to go for a different look. One that more so says F off I'm metal as F, than pretty princess diamond girl."

... .I didn't reply, . But then she hits me again a couple hours later saying her sister is picking her up soon to go get it done and that she is nervous. I guess of the piercing pain.

Does continually receiving her self-involved texts cause you emotional pain?

[paperlung]

She tried to ask me to hang out today via text but I declined. She first asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I said I had already ate. She then suggested we go bowling later... .I declined.

I wish I knew what was going through her head. Was she just bored and wanted to do something with someone for entertainment? Were her other "guy friends" just unavailable?

I don't think it's possible for me to see her on the reg without getting emotionally attached. I feel like the closer I get, the more I'm going to end up hurt by the same person who hurt me the most in my life.

Sucks caring for someone like this.

My pwBPD lived with me for 5 years and abruptly ran off with new supply at Christmas, lying about the relationship.  It totally devastated me. She then, a while after, did some drive-byes and would pull in and try to get out of the car and wanted to say "hi" and just thought she could engage with me and that I would be the same old loving, caring, fun-loving guy, like nothing had happened. (At this point she had acted out in public with new supply in front of me to emotionally harm me many times).  It was so, so painful to me, and bizarre.

It appeared that she magically could not understand why I would not want to talk to her or be near her? All the behavior was like that of a 6th grader. She seemed totally self-involved with what appeared to have no awareness whatsoever how her actions had harmed me. I was/am dumbfounded. Always will be. I was surrounded by healthy support and was able to flat-out tell her to get lost (it damn near killed me). I have no idea what goes on in the minds of these people... but somewhere deep down I just knew that I had to protect myself from more emotional damage. I felt like I was just being toyed with, like a kitten mindlessly, for fun, plays with a grasshopper. It was not an easy time in my life.  Seems you are being treated the same way... .

Indeed, you're right.

Agh. She initiated conversation again via text today. Seems like she sends me text messages almost every day. Most of the time it's just meaningless small talk. Today she says she's getting her nose pierced. Apparently she's into the "alternative" look now. Don't know when that happened. She's getting a ring. I told her that I thought a stud would look better but she said, "I'm trying to go for a different look. One that more so says F off I'm metal as F, than pretty princess diamond girl."

... .I didn't reply, . But then she hits me again a couple hours later saying her sister is picking her up soon to go get it done and that she is nervous. I guess of the piercing pain.

Does continually receiving her self-involved texts cause you emotional pain?

It causes me anxiety, and my anxiety can get really bad. I will get nauseous, gag, and sometimes vomit. My appetite has decreased tremendously since I saw her that night when she came onto me.

It wasn't so much of a problem when she was living far away and we had very little contact. But now that she's back, and living only about 6 miles away, it's been difficult on me.

[Infared]

I had severe anxiety and depression.  I got therapy, group therapy and a self help group. At the one year mark my T said that I HAD to make a decision to either move on or make a big play for her and find out if she loved me or was gone.

I made the big play... .bravest thing my heart ever did. Truly. Damn... those were some big boy pants!

Got totally shot down. ... .IN FLAMES! Hurt in a way that I cannot verbalized... .but at least I knew that I totally swallowed all pride and put my heart out there on a plate. Scary stuff! I love me for that... .and I KNOW I did everything that I could.  Good advice from my T. There was nothing more to do.

I shut it down after that and I will now NEVER talk to her again, not after the way she treated me. Her loss.