New Here. Adult daughter of BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

        Hi Everyone!  I have been wanting to join a forum for some time, and now realize that I need support to deal with the rollercoaster of having a BPD mother.  My background; 38 yo daughter, mother is nearly 64, I am an only child.  Mother has been in and out of psych units for depression and suicidal ideation for several years.  Has every characteristic of the disorder, but will not accept diagnosis.  I am either the perfect daughter and her "best friend", or an ungrateful abuser who uses her for money.  No in between.  She divorced my step-father (for the second time) a few years ago, and this year has been engaged twice to men she has met on dating sites.  Whenever a relationship sours, she comes to me and my children (daughter is 11, son is 7) for comfort and emotional nurturing.  She has no boundaries, will make promises to help me ( I am a single mother, I work full time, and am pursuing a degree in social work), but will eventually feel victimized and take back promises or threaten to end her assistance (driving kids to/from school, babysitting while I work).  Has threatened suicide to my daughter (though she denies it happened), and when my daughter cools to her due to her rage, anger and emotional reactions, it is because "I have turned her against her grandmother". 

This is what I grew up with, and I don't want my kids scarred.  I need help, being a busy mom, but I can't depend on her moods to determine if she feels giving or victimized.  I guess just to know I am not alone would be helpful. 

[lauranamaste]

        Hi Everyone!  I have been wanting to join a forum for some time, and now realize that I need support to deal with the rollercoaster of having a BPD mother.  My background; 38 yo daughter, mother is nearly 64, I am an only child.  Mother has been in and out of psych units for depression and suicidal ideation for several years.  Has every characteristic of the disorder, but will not accept diagnosis.  I am either the perfect daughter and her "best friend", or an ungrateful abuser who uses her for money.  No in between.  She divorced my step-father (for the second time) a few years ago, and this year has been engaged twice to men she has met on dating sites.  Whenever a relationship sours, she comes to me and my children (daughter is 11, son is 7) for comfort and emotional nurturing.  She has no boundaries, will make promises to help me ( I am a single mother, I work full time, and am pursuing a degree in social work), but will eventually feel victimized and take back promises or threaten to end her assistance (driving kids to/from school, babysitting while I work).  Has threatened suicide to my daughter (though she denies it happened), and when my daughter cools to her due to her rage, anger and emotional reactions, it is because "I have turned her against her grandmother". 

This is what I grew up with, and I don't want my kids scarred.  I need help, being a busy mom, but I can't depend on her moods to determine if she feels giving or victimized.  I guess just to know I am not alone would be helpful. 

[lauranamaste]

Hi Everyone!  I have been wanting to join a forum for some time, and now realize that I need support to deal with the rollercoaster of having a BPD mother.  My background; 38 yo daughter, mother is nearly 64, I am an only child.  Mother has been in and out of psych units for depression and suicidal ideation for several years.  Has every characteristic of the disorder, but will not accept diagnosis.  I am either the perfect daughter and her "best friend", or an ungrateful abuser who uses her for money.  No in between.  She divorced my step-father (for the second time) a few years ago, and this year has been engaged twice to men she has met on dating sites.  Whenever a relationship sours, she comes to me and my children (daughter is 11, son is 7) for comfort and emotional nurturing.  She has no boundaries, will make promises to help me ( I am a single mother, I work full time, and am pursuing a degree in social work), but will eventually feel victimized and take back promises or threaten to end her assistance (driving kids to/from school, babysitting while I work).  Has threatened suicide to my daughter (though she denies it happened), and when my daughter cools to her due to her rage, anger and emotional reactions, it is because "I have turned her against her grandmother". 

This is what I grew up with, and I don't want my kids scarred.  I need help, being a busy mom, but I can't depend on her moods to determine if she feels giving or victimized.  I guess just to know I am not alone would be helpful. 

[Finding Courage]

You are not alone!  This forum was the first time I met other people who actually understood my mom's complex behaviors.  Since then, when I am faced with dealing with her, I try and think about what is good for me. She certainly won't put me first, so I have to.  Same with my own daughter, she comes first, which has meant very little contact with "grandma".  BPD is a terrible thing to deal with in a parent.  Take care.

[picturelady]

 

Hi lauranamast, and welcome!  

I am so glad that you found BPD Family and that you are venturing out with your first post.  That takes courage.  Hopefully you will find a lot of helpful information on this site, as well as support as you read and post on the message boards.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  For me, it has helped a lot to know that others are dealing with the same confusing, damaging, painful experiences that I was.  You will be amazed at the similarities of some of our experiences.

Here are some great articles which might help you as you work through the issues with your mom:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent

Many find the article on Emotional Incest helpful.

And here is a link to the message boards on Building a Healthy Life Around a BPD Mother or Father:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56281.0

All the best to you and your precious children.  We are here for you.  Keep coming back and reading and posting as often as needed.

All the best,

PictureLady  

[NorthernGirl]

Hello lauranamaste and I'll join picturelady in welcoming you to our site 

I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult relationship with your mom. Being painted "black" and "white" must be very hurtful, especially since it sounds as though you have tried to maintain a relationship and help your mom out.

It seems as though many with BPD do not believe they have a problem or are unwilling to accept a diagnosis. You're right in being concerned over the impact your mom can have on her grandchildren, so it is probably good for you to have some solid boundaries. Even though many people with BPD are good at respecting boundaries at first, if you stick with them it should help. You can check out this article for more on boundaries: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

Are there others who can help with driving your kids, babysitting, etc. so you don't have to rely on your mother? What are the behaviors your mom shows that are the hardest for you to deal with?

The [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board has some great information to help you heal and keep moving forward. You'll meet many great members there. As picturelady says, you are not alone.

[Recycle]

Oh, you are SO NOT ALONE! My jaw dropped when I read the first part of your post, because I am 38, have a uBPDMom who is 65 and am an only child. I have totally lived what you are going through. Connect with me directly anytime!

[Dexter0420]

You are not alone!  I am 44 yrs old with 61 yr old uBPDm.  The black and white comment rings true with my relationship too.  Other than putting on a show at Thanksgiving, my mother has not spoken to me in nearly a month for what I do not know.   She has also tried to manipulate my two boys in the past, but several times in the last few months.  I know now I cannot have my car phone on speaker if the kids are in the car and she calls, nor can I allow her unsupervised visits.  I also monitor her calls/texting to my older son and have told her that if I see anything remotely inappropriate, I will block her number.  This may be part of why she isn't talking to me, but I am willing to make that sacrifice to ensure she doesn't do the same thing to them that she has done to me my entire life. 

I have tried over and over again to set boundaries but she will NEVER respect them.  Anytime I try and reiterate to her that I'm uncomfortable with the conversation at hand, she either ignores what I said or lashes out saying I am taking X person's side over hers.  She's even disowned me via text message, only to try and communicate with me a few weeks later.  According to her, we do not need to rehash the past, what she did/said was because she was hurt and she should automatically be forgiven. 

I am reading Surviving a BPD Parent and am in therapy... .finally, but at this point, I do not see how I can have a relationship that allows me to be healthy if she is not willing to get treatment.  Maybe it will come in time, but right now, I just don't see it.

Good luck and know that we are here for you!

[zxmct98]

You are definitely not alone! I am a 31 year old only child with a 67 y/o BPDm - I don't have kids and reading stories like yours makes me wonder how to handle that with my mom if/when I cross that bridge.

I can also relate to BPDm not accepting her diagnosis.

My mom was hospitalized when I was 2 after a meltdown/suicide attempt - she told me about this a few years ago(by 'told' I mean drunkenly screamed it at me) but at that time told me they couldn't diagnose her with anything. A couple weeks ago over thanksgiving we got to talking about it again and she WAS in fact diagnosed with BPD(and paranoia and other things) but she dismissed it and told her psychiatrist that he was just writing down random things from his diagnostic manual. Since she wasn't put on any medication she doesn't think she has any real problem.