something sincere from a BPD mind

[sirius]

Hi folks,

I was with my exUBPDgf for 13 years since she was 17 years old. Now I found something very interesting on what she wrote to me during our 1st year together (written 12 years ago) when I asked her to tell me what she THINKS or FEEL about me. She chose to write instead. Obviously its red flag all over the place but you can read into what they think.

The feelings and love seems so real, maybe it was her sincerity in writing it.

Here goes :

Just feel that HAPPINESS can never be guaranteed. It could be there one moment but changed in another. The insecurity is not what is insufficient but the future that we can’t be able to foresee. I am afraid, worried that if along the way I will be hurt. Nothing can be guaranteed. Lately I have a strong feeling that you might have changed. You will just leave me one day, in spite of how much you are loving me today. To overcome the insecurity, there’s only one solution, which is running away. I wonder, if I have the courage and determination to do so because at the end, I am just hurting myself.

I just hope that you will be with me. I just hope that you will not do anything wrong to hurt me. I can’t afford to lose, including losing you, losing this relationship. I had a wonderful 18. I am so lucky. Happiness, luck and etc, they are so abstract. I can’t even touch them, not to mention get hold of them. I always feel a great nostalgia for how loving we used to be when before the arguments arised. I just love you, miss you. And even one day if I walk away, walk out from your life, I’ll still leave my heart with you so that maybe when you’re lonely, you’ll take it out and reminisce what we’d been through.

=END=

Amazing ! WOW ! This was how we ended, she left. She wrote it from the begining. See all the fear and perceived abandonment? See how love or happiness is treated like an object? See how she plans to abandon me and yet hope I will stay with her and not hurt her? She kept mentioning “Feelings”. Also some strong NPD traits on the “I can’t afford to lose”.

Feel free to post your opinions. Thanks

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Sirius, thanks for posting that. Every word of it is interesting. The weirdest thing I think is what she said about (courage). I wonder if my ex viewed running away as courageous also.

[guy4caligirl]

It's sad very how they think , and can be in a relation for that long and plan to run one day .

I think , really they do not love perhaps sometimes , but this is a perfect example that all they care is about themselves ,they don't want to get hurt ,but they don't give a damn who they huts in their way .Come to think about this when reading the letter that I wished one time my ex awhile angry I hope you get your heart broken one day , so you see how I feel , she send me on of her rare response , remember you wished me a heart brake ! I know  she never had that experience 41 years old .

All I can say it's one of the saddest time in my life loosing an indifferent human being .

[guy4caligirl]

Hi Sirius, thanks for posting that. Every word of it is interesting. The weirdest thing I think is what she said about (courage). I wonder if my ex viewed running away as courageous also.

I think it means it is  Mine took her 4 years to have the courage to leave this past July . I have asked her many times , if you're not happy why don't you leave ?

Never got an answer , I thought she would never leave , but yes she did she had the courage to do so , after a long detailed plan .Got serious a year ago set herself in that survival mood she did not work save stole and more from me then she was gone .How do they expect to be blessed if they keep on doing that what kind of person I shared my life with for five years ?

[myself]

I wonder if my ex viewed running away as courageous also.

My now-ex told me many times that she was being "strong" to run away. But what she was running from were her own projections, as if she'd   and left the mess. Most pwBPD don't actually face themselves, so they're probably not convinced of their own courageousness. Deep down, they know it's really fear. Another mask they choose to wear. A role, not a way of life.

[downwhim]

Wow, truly amazing how they think. I think what we all wish for is empathy but that never comes. How someone you love can walk away and call is courage is painful stuff. I realized there was no security in my relationship. Try and make future plans and my ex BPD always make sure plans got messed up. We talked about buying a house together many times and we would go look then there was a fight about how he didn't want any lender getting his private information. All this b... ll. He would say one thing and mean another. I was constantly guessing.

I am sorry about your pain. We are all here for you so be strong and keep posting. It helps... .:'(

[HappyNihilist]

I am afraid, worried that if along the way I will be hurt. Nothing can be guaranteed. Lately I have a strong feeling that you might have changed. You will just leave me one day, in spite of how much you are loving me today. To overcome the insecurity, there’s only one solution, which is running away.

My exbf said things like this all the time... ."you'll just leave me one day." And he ran away in the end.

I feel for him and the pain and turmoil he's always in. It must be terrible to be so worried and convinced that everyone is going to hurt/leave you that you wind up destroying all of your relationships. It's very difficult from them to live mindfully in the moment. Everything is tainted with hurts from their past, and worries about the future.

[Perfidy]

Sirius, hi there. That appears to be a heartfelt communication from her. Can you see any truth in it? It seems sincere as she could be. Is happiness guaranteed? Is not everything subject to change? Do you want to be in a relationship where friendship and happiness turned into unrest and argument? While feelings aren't fact, feelings are feelings. Is she wrong for having them? Not picking sides. Just challenging some negative ideas.

[sirius]

Sirius, hi there. That appears to be a heartfelt communication from her. Can you see any truth in it? It seems sincere as she could be. Is happiness guaranteed? Is not everything subject to change? Do you want to be in a relationship where friendship and happiness turned into unrest and argument? While feelings aren't fact, feelings are feelings. Is she wrong for having them? Not picking sides. Just challenging some negative ideas.

Hi, I think she is most sincere in writing this because whenever I asked her, she could not explain what she feels or thinks, only wrote this. I never got such sincerity from her after that. This was 12 or 13 years ago. On our 1st year together. Only truth is BPD all over.

[sirius]

Hi Sirius, thanks for posting that. Every word of it is interesting. The weirdest thing I think is what she said about (courage). I wonder if my ex viewed running away as courageous also.

I think it means it is  Mine took her 4 years to have the courage to leave this past July . I have asked her many times , if you're not happy why don't you leave ?

Never got an answer , I thought she would never leave , but yes she did she had the courage to do so , after a long detailed plan .Got serious a year ago set herself in that survival mood she did not work save stole and more from me then she was gone .How do they expect to be blessed if they keep on doing that what kind of person I shared my life with for five years ?

Mine left when she was high up in her career and accumulated a lot of money and also inheritance of some properties from her parents. She was living off me all these while and saving up everything. Thats planning. And the part about up and leaving... .hmmmm... .courage huh?

[sirius]

After she left, she said in one of her text to me : I have lost my bestest friend and the love of my life a month ago, I am not afraid of anything anymore... .

Talk about running away from herself. WOW, I was chasing after her all the time when this happen until this time I was exhausted from chasing and couldnt catch up

[neverloveagain]

Thats a very telling note. Found one from my old posts my third year valentines card transcript.

[To my sexy man, my love, i love you with all i physicaly can

what can i say our 3rd valentines day 

thought you would of got bored  by now

i know i certainly havent

wish too spend many years together

your probably thinking ___ !

your such a special guy i so lucky to have you

wasn't expecting to have anyone in my life or anything

but got you your the angel you just dont know it

your good to everyone and never selfish

you lighten my dark world wish you were in charge of the world it would be a better place

im blabbering 

I just hope my jelousy nervinois worry and crazy thoughts dont drive you away

its a problem im cursed with a mind thst plays tricks on me

i just think everyone runs away from me at some point

anyway happy card

you are the most precious person i have ever loved 

I hope i get better for you 

love devil kitty

i prey we are never apart

/quote]

[whythisgirl]

Wow sirius that sounds like my uBPDexbf's words. He needed constant validation that I would not leave him. I would love him forever and provide him security. He said he feared nothing but the only thing he would ever fear was a broken heart because his feelings were so intense. He told me that he think he will be wealthy but alone his entire life. Not to mention he said no one has ever broken up with him, he has left them first. Deep down I really think he was aware that he had a disorder because at time he would say "I know I am not normal", "my thoughts take over and I always thinking", or "I feel I'm normal, what do you consider normal".   

He wouldn't give me all the details but just enough for me to raise concern. Now it makes sense to me the constant projecting. He would falsely accuse me of always lying and would say even a half truth is still considered a lie. I only got half truths for him not the full story. Interesting.

[ajr5679]

my ex said that she would get a high from leaving someone, I really thinks she also got something out of people begging for her back because she never wanted them when they wanted her. and when the person was moving on and trying to find closer she would run back to that person. I felt like I was a toy that when she felt like playing with she would pull me out of the closet  and when she was done she would just through me away.

[DangIthurts]

I think it was mutt or someone here turned me onto looking past the message and really breaking it down.

I simply see you and the relationship as a backdrop the "I" and her.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

That is a very interesting letter indeed.  My dBPDexgf said things in the beginning that I did not think much about at the time.  She mentioned early in the love bomb phase how soulmates met only for a brief moment, it was intense, and then they were torn apart in great pain.      My ex is an odd BPD though.  She sometimes admidts to her faults and isn't malicious, she just makes very poor decisions and struggles to cope with emotions.  I recently actually got an approximation of closure from her.  She said she doesn't make people happy, she has problems and she is selfish.  She admitted to being crazy.  I hope she finds her way to some professional help.

[Tmwmf]

Here are the first two paragraphs of a letter  my BPDexgf sent to me out of the blue one day... .At the time she gave me this we had been together for around 7 years by which time I had done a fair bit of reading about BPD and I think I had become a little hardened to its effects and was probably a little less responsive to her demands than in our early years... .we had sold our house and were just over a week from moving into a new one. The new house was mid mid distance between her work and mine and originally she had wanted to move closer to her work so she could walk to work but this meant I would be doing twice the traveling while she did none so the new house area was a compromise. What she hadn't told me was she had been looking for a house near her work anyway and found one she could rent... .

First paragraph: I woke up this morning to the usual feelings of tension, anxiety, loneliness and confusion. I decided to try and write things down to make sense of them myself but what came out was basically a 14 page letter to you. I really hope it will help you to understand how I feel. Please read it all. I know this letter is messy and not well written I just needed to tell you how I feel and it came out in a big rush, I hope you can make sense of it.

second paragraph: Firstly please try to understand that I will not be ok if we split up... .I will be dependent on my job, I will not be able to get a mortgage, I will be very lonely and have to change my whole life, I will have no help or support, I will be constantly troubled by painful memories of us. I have not created this situation - A petty argument  (perhaps one too many) highlighted and brought to the surface deeper problems in our relationship Namely... .


Then there are 14 more pages, brief descriptions about different aspects of our lives and how she feels about them, virtually all end saying how I failed to respond or how I acted in an unsuitable way causing her to feel and act the way she does. the last page in brief says that we should still sell our house but move into the rented one and we could use the money we had to work on our relationship by going on holiday and having a nice time instead of being tied down. so we now own a new house but we moved into the rental (facepalm). The first paragraph is nothing out of the ordinary for her but the second was a suprise because I never had any intentions of us splitting up (hence the new house), I see it as she was nervous about moving to a new house but its as if the nervous feelings have been fed through an amplifier. all compleatly justifiable though as far as she was concerned.

[bpd3103]

   My ex BPDgf wrote me a very long letter detailing this same sort of stuff early on in our relationship, she doesn't know she has BPD, but its funny how they know they are different, that they are not like the rest. Anyways, mine was 18 just like yours and I would imagine you did the same thing, just chalked it up to her being young, that it was something you would work through and that she would grow out of, little did you know the depth and the grip of the roots of her true illness on her psyche. 

  If you don't mind I have copied and pasted her letter too you to save for my BPD ex in the hopes that maybe one day I can have her read it or send it to her to read. Telling her that it sounds as if she wrote it herself, or that I could see her writing something like this. She would prob cry if she read it, knowing that is exactly what goes through her head as well. She ran from me, and although i did get more closure than most in these relationships, I didn't quite get the I love you's that you got, I know that she does, I can see it in her subtle actions and mannerism that she adopted from me, and in some of our previous "low contact" but it would have been nice to hear. Anyways, thanks for posting this.

[sirius]

   My ex BPDgf wrote me a very long letter detailing this same sort of stuff early on in our relationship, she doesn't know she has BPD, but its funny how they know they are different, that they are not like the rest. Anyways, mine was 18 just like yours and I would imagine you did the same thing, just chalked it up to her being young, that it was something you would work through and that she would grow out of, little did you know the depth and the grip of the roots of her true illness on her psyche. 

  If you don't mind I have copied and pasted her letter too you to save for my BPD ex in the hopes that maybe one day I can have her read it or send it to her to read. Telling her that it sounds as if she wrote it herself, or that I could see her writing something like this. She would prob cry if she read it, knowing that is exactly what goes through her head as well. She ran from me, and although i did get more closure than most in these relationships, I didn't quite get the I love you's that you got, I know that she does, I can see it in her subtle actions and mannerism that she adopted from me, and in some of our previous "low contact" but it would have been nice to hear. Anyways, thanks for posting this.

Go ahead, anyone can use it.

I thought she would grow up at the end. The short letter justified the end of the relationship.

I showed in the 1st part that she doesnt want to be left and dont want me to hurt her but the second half is saying that she is going to hurt me and hoped that i would still love her