BPD wife wants abortion and divorce

[danny9329]

Ok guys I'm not very good at seeking help but I know when I need it. My wife and I have been blissfully married for under a year. We found out she was pregnant 2.months ago and it's as if she flipped the script. She is no longer the woman I married. Last week she told me she was thinking of divorce and an abortion because I'm emotionally abusive.now I am in the military . O am an infantry man I have ptsd sometimes I'm very emotional but it's rarely directed at her. Her mother has flown down her and is encouraging her to go through with all of this as she hasn't liked me from day one simply because I am a veteran. She has told multiple people I have said and done thing to include my family that I have never done nor in my wildest imaginations have thought of. For example the abortion divorce thing she is currently pursuing. She has folds family and my co workers that I told my stepson in a long co versation about how mom is leaving because I don't love either of them and that mom is going to kill his baby brother or sister. Never happened . I love my family deeply and I want this to work. We went to one marital counseling session and were doing good until the following week last week  when she said the divorce abortion bit. She made the decision in about 10 minutes I begged and pleaded and she kicked me out. This last week I had tried sending her texts of love and support and she called my leadership and is thinking of filing harrasment charges. But just the other day she called my sister in law and expressed her doubts about what she is doing. Her abortion appointment was yesterday but she says she didn't go through with it thank god. The reason was that my harrassment and emotional abuse has clouded her judgement. I feel like from what I've read that a month or two down the road after she moves home she's going to change her mind again. It's like Shea not the woman I married right now and I just want to save my marriage my child and have my family back

[Mutt]

 

Hi danny9329,

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. You gave a lot on your plate. It's frustrating, confusing and painful when your family is suffering because of mental illness. It's tough.

I'm sorry MIL devaluated you because you're a war-vet. It's a niggle with me.

Correct me if I'm wrong. MIL sounds like she emotionally blackmails you as much as your spouse. Are they similar?

Emotional black mail is the feeling you feel when someone is trying to make you feel fear, obligation and guilt. It sounds to me like this abortion is saying that she's trying to make you feel fear with.

It also sounds like you're in a smear campaign. A smear campaign is she a pwBOD feel much stress and anxiety and devaluate and dissociate the non-disordered partner to your superiors, family, friends and professionals.

What triggered this anxiety? The pregnancy? What has her stressed? I'm sorry for what your going through.

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[danny9329]

I'm not sure if my MIL is bro or not she has do e a lot of the same things my wife is doing though to my father in law. I kind of feel like I am being emotionally blackmailed but I don't understand why my wife would do that . She has always loved me up until this pregnancy and that's when the depression set in and it was like a downward spiral. She has also said and fully believes it thatbi have done and said things that I haven't.I am to the point where I am in extreme depression because I feel like I will never get the woman I love back

[danny9329]

I guess my main issues is that she will not talk to me because I am the devil right now... .I just want her to get help because the people she's getting support from are telling her the answer to make her feel better is divorce and aborrion and I don't know how to or if I even can get her the help she needs. From what I've read when she gets like this its some thing she has to decide to do on her own when you return to the "honeymoon" phase because if I suggest it it will make it worse

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear things are hard and you feel depressed.

Pregnancy is difficult and she may have morning sickness.

For now it sounds like she sees you as "all bad" I can relate. This shall pass. She's feeling anxiety and stress and splitting is triggered.  If her mom is whispering things in her ears, you can't control MIL's actions.

Blood is thicker than water. It's probably not a good idea to get in the way of either or they'll both triangulate you and you look like the bad guy. Lose-lose.

How long has this period of being split black lasted for where she thinks your the devil? A week? A month? Several weeks?

My S3 when my ex told me she was pregnant it was a period where I was split black. She had all sorts of threats and said hurtful things "I'm not going to take my prenatal vitamins!" and was she saying it because of how she felt like in that moment, to try to trigger an emotional reaction. It triggered fear. I felt scared. I was "split black" for around a week. Then she said "I'm so in love with you a week later" I was "split white". It was confusing 

Emotional blackmail.

What about your family and friends? Are they supportive?

[danny9329]

Well it has been about two weeks and change its been all black with signs of no improvement. It reached the point tonight that I'm going to have to get a lawyer invoked because she is going to try to go through with the abortion again. She may hate me  But I'm going to try and get the court to order a psychologist to evaluate her and deem her unfit to make this decision until she's medicated again... .Hopefully after the fact she will thank me

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough night.

Did things escalate tonight? How's the line of communication?

Is there a lot of friction?

Get it off your chest. A personality disorder is hard to deal with.

[waverider]

Abortion is a controversial enough issue as it is. Add to that the fear that things are going to change out of her control will have her grasping at straws for someone to be accountable.

I think this is born out of fear of change and not being in control.

Of course the consequences of what she is proposing goes against your beliefs. The problem is the more you try to stop her the more the fear of not being in control rises and so she becomes more stubborn and you in turn demonized.

Rather than telling her what she should do sticking to asking her why she feels the way she does may avoid fueling it. In other words encourage her to talk her way through it. In the process you may find out what the real underlying issue is, she may even talk herself out of it. You are unlikely to be able to do this by arguing your case, as she is only listening to her own words and to those who may validate her thoughts.

Dont know if an intervention is possible, if so its not a bad idea as this is obviously an important issue to you. Have you had any advise as to whether it is possible of not/

Try to ignore whatever her family are saying, it is a sideshow and there is nothing you can do about it.

I feel for you, this would hurt me too, and it is not something you can just get over.

[danny9329]

Yea so after consulting with my therapist and multiple lawyers they all say the best bet it to give her space I mean it's going on 2 weeks and she hasn't furthered towards her plans so the therapist said that shows doubts and that it's a sign of her feeling like every thing has spun out of her control and this is her way of bringing it back wether or not she actually goes through with it said also to expect her to call me for help once she's been home for a bit because she will find another outlet for her disorder and I will probably be the good guy again. The lawyer said my wow option is to get a court order to get her commuted and that will most likely drive her further away. So my best bet is to give her space and prayblike hell

[danny9329]

I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I've ever gone throughshe truly is the love of my life and she hates me right now and I just don't know what to do with my selfall I do is sit on the couch and think about her and my step son and our child she has inside of her

[Mutt]

It's hard when we're not certain of the future. No one can predict but I can say it sounds like you got good advice. Be mindful of the present. I understand it is easier said than done. The best thing to do is to give her space. She fears intimacy and this could be her engulfment swing. Her push and pull behavior. Is there something you can do in the present to take your mind off of this a little? We can only control ourselves. Listen to your T and L's advice.

[danny9329]

Well it's over guys she did it the abortion and she's filing in 2 weeks

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that.