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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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NYMike
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« on: December 07, 2014, 01:01:47 PM »

I have gone NC and she has texted me.I want to write down what the text was.Maybe u can all help me not beat myself up to much here.I tend to self assassinate myself.

1- You ruined my life and my daughters life

2- Your ''illness'' has hurt me deeply

3- It was all part of your sick plan to take away my life and destroy me

4- I did not know you live a double life

This is all unreal to me.We were together only 6 months and I gave her the world.
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myself
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2014, 01:11:06 PM »

Are any of those true, or are they her projections?

My now-ex said many similar (and worse) things.

Separating the unreal from the real helps move past it.
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TheDude
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2014, 01:11:52 PM »

Projection translation:

1- I ruined your life and my daughters life

2- My ''illness'' has hurt you deeply

3- It was all part of my sick plan to take away your life and destroy you

4- You did not know I live a double life

Does this feel like it makes more sense?

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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2014, 01:15:01 PM »

It seems to me its about her expectations of what the relationship would give her. She probably had an image of happily ever after and as it didnt happen she is blaming you for it.

There also seems like some projection of her faults and behaviour.
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NYMike
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2014, 01:18:58 PM »

Projection translation:

1- I ruined your life and my daughters life

2- My ''illness'' has hurt you deeply

3- It was all part of my sick plan to take away your life and destroy you

4- You did not know I live a double life

Does this feel like it makes more sense?

That is what I was thinking.!... .Exactly...
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NYMike
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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2014, 01:20:19 PM »

I am so fighting to NOT RESPOND.I want to fight for my honor here.But I have to stay NC and let her fight with herself or new replacement or the daughter... .
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« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2014, 01:25:52 PM »

The only thing you'd accomplish by replying is engaging in a repeating loop of' "I know you are, but what am I" and, "I'm rubber & you're glue... .etc."

Stay strong, my friend.
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maxen
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2014, 01:27:47 PM »

I am so fighting to NOT RESPOND.I want to fight for my honor here.

Mike i totally understand this instinct. lots of people here will. but do you doubt your own understanding of what happened? how will her opinion affect your sense of honor?
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NYMike
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2014, 01:35:16 PM »

I am so fighting to NOT RESPOND.I want to fight for my honor here.

Mike i totally understand this instinct. lots of people here will. but do you doubt your own understanding of what happened? how will her opinion affect your sense of honor?

Just sitting here thinking why I am so ''weak'' to her fake tears when she used to cry.And why I need he ''validation'' of me so badly...
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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2014, 01:40:57 PM »

I am so fighting to NOT RESPOND.I want to fight for my honor here.But I have to stay NC and let her fight with herself or new replacement or the daughter... .

How about relaxing/accepting instead of fighting?

Would that be a better option? Because it's doable.

We all want to be heard, respected, understood... .

You can't force her, but you can free yourself.

The most important opinion here really is your own.

Who were you? Who are you? Who are you going to be?

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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2014, 01:41:25 PM »

 This process is so hurtful to work through; trust the forum and stay no contact. After a BPD "tricks" you into thinking they are something they are not, and hence, the relationship is actually something - it is very hard to come out without scars. Stay strong - NC is the only way - otherwise they still bait you and know they have some kind of hold on you. Remember, any relationship you perceived was not that at all - it was what they needed from you and what void you filled with your actions towards them. They are never who they seem to be. Find other good people and sense the red flag of any other BPD type of person. You will be so much better off without them, and I say after 6 mths-one full year you will begin to heal completely and will see everything clearly. The no contact does that. It brings reality to the messy puzzle they create, and life is so much better without them. Stay strong we have all been here.
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NYMike
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2014, 01:57:59 PM »

This process is so hurtful to work through; trust the forum and stay no contact. After a BPD "tricks" you into thinking they are something they are not, and hence, the relationship is actually something - it is very hard to come out without scars. Stay strong - NC is the only way - otherwise they still bait you and know they have some kind of hold on you. Remember, any relationship you perceived was not that at all - it was what they needed from you and what void you filled with your actions towards them. They are never who they seem to be. Find other good people and sense the red flag of any other BPD type of person. You will be so much better off without them, and I say after 6 mths-one full year you will begin to heal completely and will see everything clearly. The no contact does that. It brings reality to the messy puzzle they create, and life is so much better without them. Stay strong we have all been here.

It is almost like an act.She should get the EMMY AWARD... I hung on her every word and truly believed all this B/S.I was caught off guard and did not really read her actions or read her resume.The act she put on was the woman I fell in love with.In reality this is not the woman I met.Something changed in her.I think she was mirroring me and then she could not sustain it and I got the cold ABANDONMENT 4 weeks ago.
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« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2014, 02:01:34 PM »

Exactly! The mirroring fills their need - she is not capable of being who you thought she was, what you want to be, or WHAT YOU DESERVE. I promise you will be thankful that she detached and discarded - they do this so well it is frightening. That alone showed me who the "friend" I had for 34 years was - how can a normal person instantly detach, disgard like trash... .all over a text or email? Only BPDs can because they are mentally ill, wounded and they were not who we thought they were... .not at all. You will thank her, IF you can remain NO CONTACT - don't fall for the BPD tricks of trying to reconnect - it is not out of care for you, it is out of their sick need to see if they can re engage you in the push pull... .stay strong!
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NYMike
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« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2014, 02:08:43 PM »

Exactly! The mirroring fills their need - she is not capable of being who you thought she was, what you want to be, or WHAT YOU DESERVE. I promise you will be thankful that she detached and discarded - they do this so well it is frightening. That alone showed me who the "friend" I had for 34 years was - how can a normal person instantly detach, disgard like trash... .all over a text or email? Only BPDs can because they are mentally ill, wounded and they were not who we thought they were... .not at all. You will thank her, IF you can remain NO CONTACT - don't fall for the BPD tricks of trying to reconnect - it is not out of care for you, it is out of their sick need to see if they can re engage you in the push pull... .stay strong!

Yes she is trying the reconnect now.But I can not handle it anymore.She can discard me with no emotion whatsoever and be gone for weeks as I lay here shattered.It makes me feel like she has no compassion or empathy whatsoever.It's very scary.Almost like she is a MONSTER
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« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2014, 02:12:46 PM »

SHE seems like she has no compassion, well, becuase she does not. She cares only for herself, her fears, her needs. We were all initially shattered, until we refused CONTACT and moved on, with a huge lesson from our BPD - never allow another to infiltrate our world again... .I PROMISE you will thank her for everything, for the abandonment, and the pain now will be worth a lifetime of reconnecting with healthy people. When you are in the most pain, try to remember all you did for her, all the care you gave, and then see clearly all the pain she caused you, see her for who she really is, and then seal the deal with the way she detached and discarded you. NOT NORMAL. RUN RUN as fast as you can away from her, with your pain for awahile, and it WILL GET BETTER - she is not worth another tear (although we must cry them in order to climb ourselves out of the mess WE ALLOWED the BPD to make of our lives). Stay strong! You will heal and be happy! NC NC NC - resist any of her madness to reconnect - it is all about her needs!
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NYMike
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« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2014, 02:23:35 PM »

SHE seems like she has no compassion, well, becuase she does not. She cares only for herself, her fears, her needs. We were all initially shattered, until we refused CONTACT and moved on, with a huge lesson from our BPD - never allow another to infiltrate our world again... .I PROMISE you will thank her for everything, for the abandonment, and the pain now will be worth a lifetime of reconnecting with healthy people. When you are in the most pain, try to remember all you did for her, all the care you gave, and then see clearly all the pain she caused you, see her for who she really is, and then seal the deal with the way she detached and discarded you. NOT NORMAL. RUN RUN as fast as you can away from her, with your pain for awahile, and it WILL GET BETTER - she is not worth another tear (although we must cry them in order to climb ourselves out of the mess WE ALLOWED the BPD to make of our lives). Stay strong! You will heal and be happy! NC NC NC - resist any of her madness to reconnect - it is all about her needs!

Wow Thanks.This woman is see now is the ''real'' woman,not the act she put on.If I continue NC will she eventually go away if I stay strong... .She has reappeared in my life a lot until I realized 1 month ago she is classic BPD...
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2014, 03:55:59 PM »

I got almost a carbon copy of this email when we split

I had ruined her life

She put a her dreams and hopes on hold for me

I was a conman, leading a double life, a pathological liar

I was mentally ill... .I had BPD and was a sociopath

I had thrown away the best chance of my life by walking away from a woman  who loved me with every cell of her body.

In my state of complete confusion and low self esteem I took this on for a while until after some close self examination through therapy I found all of these allegations to be untrue.

I cut her off, detached, grieved and moved on
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Skip
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« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2014, 04:13:14 PM »

Are any of those true... .

Mike, what is she actually talking about. What is she reacting too?  What is the double life?

It might help to retrace the steps of what happened.
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NYMike
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« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2014, 04:33:37 PM »

@Skip,

I am pretty sure this is all projection.As far as the ''double life'' that may be too.Because I confronted her on this ''apt'' she is staying at and it is with her daughter and a man ''friend''.I had no idea this exsisted.So maybe she was the one with the double life.I,myself am pretty predictable,lol,lol... .I go to work and come home and work on my home... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post),lol



Projection translation:

1- I ruined your life and my daughters life

2- My ''illness'' has hurt you deeply

3- It was all part of my sick plan to take away your life and destroy you

4- You did not know I live a double life

Does this feel like it makes more sense?
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Skip
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« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2014, 04:38:56 PM »

I confronted her on this ''apartment'' she is staying at and it is with her daughter and a man ''friend''.

This says a lot.
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NYMike
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« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2014, 04:41:46 PM »

I confronted her on this ''apartment'' she is staying at and it is with her daughter and a man ''friend''.

This says a lot.

I am thinking out loud skip.I am thinking I busted her and she had the double life and projected it on me.?... She was always very very sneaky with her texting and cell phone and her whereabouts,looking back... My gut always said something is not adding up.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2014, 05:51:37 PM »

She has reached out to you because she wants you to reply. What you say will matter less to her than the sheer fact if you do. If you reply you will confirm that she still matters which means she still has control over you. By not replying you deny her that control. Denying her that control is also what will hit her harder than anything you could ever say or do. Your silence will kill two birds with one stone. You hurt her and you allow yourself the peace of mind you need and deserve. All by actually doing nothing.

I'll repeat what everyone else here has said, stay NC.
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« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2014, 08:16:19 AM »

Yes she is trying the reconnect now.

I want to fight for my honor here.

Mike, for some reason she was taunting you - if you've gone no contact and aren't responding to her, that may be the reason. I say was because she may have moved beyond the feelings she had the day she wrote the note.  

No contact can evoke a lot of anxiety.  Just read how members e with being cut off and shut down.

With a "victim" correspondence like this the best response is to move to the center.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.msg773479#msg773479

How do you do that here?  Maybe ask, "what do you mean by double life" which signals that you are listening and will draw out what she really wants to say.

It may only be to have the last word.  

Or you can walk away from it all.  Her moving in with another man is the ultimate sabotaging of your relationship.

But I have to stay NC and let her fight with herself or new replacement or the daughter... .

By not replying you deny her that control. Denying her that control is also what will hit her harder than anything you could ever say or do. Your silence will kill two birds with one stone. You hurt her and you allow yourself the peace of mind you need and deserve.

Forget about punishing her for her behavior - we can't really know how she will respond to any thing - just don't reward bad behavior unless you want more of it i your life.

Remember, if she has BPD traits, she is prone to sabotaging herself.  Its very hard to counter someone who will let emotions trump their own survival and well being.

This whole thing has to hurt.  Its one thing for her to move out - another to land in another man house.

Some things are so bad you can only write them off and walk away.
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NYMike
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« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2014, 10:45:44 AM »

Yes she is trying the reconnect now.

I want to fight for my honor here.

Mike, for some reason she was taunting you - if you've gone no contact and aren't responding to her, that may be the reason. I say was because she may have moved beyond the feelings she had the day she wrote the note.  

No contact can evoke a lot of anxiety.  Just read how members e with being cut off and shut down.

With a "victim" correspondence like this the best response is to move to the center.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.msg773479#msg773479

How do you do that here?  Maybe ask, "what do you mean by double life" which signals that you are listening and will draw out what she really wants to say.

It may only be to have the last word.  

Or you can walk away from it all.  Her moving in with another man is the ultimate sabotaging of your relationship.

But I have to stay NC and let her fight with herself or new replacement or the daughter... .

By not replying you deny her that control. Denying her that control is also what will hit her harder than anything you could ever say or do. Your silence will kill two birds with one stone. You hurt her and you allow yourself the peace of mind you need and deserve.

Forget about punishing her for her behavior - we can't really know how she will respond to any thing - just don't reward bad behavior unless you want more of it i your life.

Remember, if she has BPD traits, she is prone to sabotaging herself.  Its very hard to counter someone who will let emotions trump their own survival and well being.

This whole thing has to hurt.  Its one thing for her to move out - another to land in another man house.

Some things are so bad you can only write them off and walk away.

Thanks a lot Skip.I am just going to have to write this off and somehow move forward with this longing for the woman I met.I just have to much to loose over this depression and hurt I have inside.

I worked so hard to be an accomplished man.I just have to dig deep and find it in me to walk away from this ''Train Wreck''.She is so dysfunctional and screwed up and does not even see it... So sad.

I did find out I am a ''caretaker'' in T.So I have to work on My Rescuing Issues.I started Al-Anon and a mens group.And I will have to continue to take this depression medicine,stay NC,go to T and come here.

This has been one of the worst pains I have encounterd in a long time.I lost 25 or so lbs and fell pretty hard.
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Skip
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« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2014, 10:53:31 AM »

Keep posting.  You sound like you are on the right track.
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Mutt
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« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2014, 10:59:13 AM »

I worked so hard to be an accomplished man.

This has been one of the worst pains I have encounterd in a long time.I lost 25 or so lbs and fell pretty hard.

That's hard NYMike.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

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