Desperately want to stop hurting...

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband who I strongly suspect got diagnosed with BPD(he won't tell me which personality disorder he got diagnosed with, but admits he did get diagnosed with one), left almost four weeks ago. The day before he told me he wanted the divorce we even made love, and the day before that he told me he would "try harder, and did want us to work out". Even after saying that though, he was being cruel again just a couple hours later. The day he told me he wanted the divorce, we'd had a wonderful day(which was rare due to his moods swings, and rages). I was just talking to him before he was going to go to sleep because he seemed "down" in light of the good day we'd just had.

He has a ton of issues, most of which seem BPD to me, possibly even Antisocial, which a therapist I was seeing said he sounded like based on what I'd told her. I was stunned because BPD seemed bad enough, but Antisocial, really can't be treated. I'm left wondering why he wouldn't tell me what his diagnosis is. He'd been taking something commonly prescribed for BPD, and his psychiatrist finally put him on the highest dose. He still had anger and rages, and his thinking also seem to become more skewed than ever. To me, he seemed to become depressed on this medication.

In some ways, it feels like the medication made him more erratic, and that is why he left. His thinking seems all over the place. His three adult daughters wouldn't let him around much, because they'd decided to hate me for no reason, and now he's back in their good graces, because they have him back, minus ME. They are rewarding him, and they are truly mean, angry girls. Just like him, and his knife wielding, crazy ex.

I know I should be thanking my lucky stars he left me. Logically, I know that, but emotionally, I'm a mess. I was willing to stay with him, I just wanted him to get a LITTLE better. I thought it was great that he was in therapy(he needs a new therapist though, because she doesn't challenge him... .he's gotten worse in the three years he's been going to her), and he finally went to the psychiatrist and got diagnosed. He told me he "just can't change". I didn't need him to change other than his rages, which sometimes got physical. I was pretty much radically accepting of him and his diagnosis.

He even told his brother how awful he'd treated me. I know that that the longer he's gone, the more it will become MY fault. He blamed me for everything, the entire time we were together. It was all shame, blame, and projection.

He seems to be doing fine according to the two in the family who still talk to me. He doesn't seem to be hurting the way I am. He isn't suffering at all the way he did when his crazy ex cheated/left him. Everyone told me when I started dating him what a huge mess he was after he found out, and how long he grieved. Heck, I'm not sure he ever got over her. My therapist, who had one session with my husband(and didn't want to see him again), says he never did get over her. Why did he waste my time? Was I just someone to beat down, and torture? Was I not stimulating enough because I tried to be emotionally healthy, unlike his ex? He really did manage to damage MY mental health though. I became suicidal at one point, got myself in therapy, and started to see how I'd let him knock my boundaries down, and hurt me.

How long am I going to hurt? I feel bad for hurting for someone who I know never really deserved my love or devotion. He was lucky to have me, and he didn't appreciate that or need it in the end. I don't hear from him hardly at all. It's been a week since I have, and I didn't even answer the phone then, because I've learned that he just calls to be cold, hurt me, and strike out at me.

I feel I dealt with this all better immediately after he left than I am now... .

[fromheeltoheal]

My husband... .left almost four weeks ago.

I know I should be thanking my lucky stars he left me. Logically, I know that, but emotionally, I'm a mess.

I'm sorry you're going through that Cerulean, the end of these relationships and the detaching and healing that follow include a lot of pain, and we understand.  Four weeks is brand new in detachment, much more will probably be revealed to you through your own perceptions as the fog clears, it appears you already have a good understanding of the disorder, although you'll probably understand yourself better as you move through and process.

I feel I dealt with this all better immediately after he left than I am now... .

Yes.  What I felt mostly when I left her was relief, very welcome relief, but with time the relief waned and all the other emotions showed up, missing her, hating her, wishing she'd call, never wanting to speak to her again, brain pretzels.  It will pass; it's your brain figuring out how to make sense of it all, which it will.

He really did manage to damage MY mental health though. I became suicidal at one point, got myself in therapy, and started to see how I'd let him knock my boundaries down, and hurt me.

Good for you!  That knowledge and support will help you now, a lot better than starting from scratch.

How long am I going to hurt?

I don't know, but I do know the fastest way through it is to feel it all the way, no repressing, no distracting.  I would feel as much as I could for a while and then run to distractions like booze or extreme sports, and then back to feeling as much as I could.  Wish I could say I went straight through, but no, although what you're feeling is what pain leaving feels like.

Take care of you, and keep posting and reading.

[Ceruleanblue]

The thing I keep struggling with is how he just seems to want very little contact. He was always such a high contact sort of guy. I think he thinks he is punishing me? Seems like something he'd do. Or maybe he really doesn't think of me? I was the "healthy" person in this relationship(which is a relative term, because I now have situational depression, and anxiety), but HE wants out? I feel sort of incensed and angered by that. I'm thinking quite a few people recently diagnosed with a personality disorder would be grateful to have a partner's love, acceptance, and support, but not him. Nope, he "just can't do it", and "can't get better". Yeah, maybe because there's been no real effort?

I'm trying to move through all the steps of grief, goodness knows I bounce from one to the next, and sometimes back again. My emotions are all over the map. I'll have a few better days, only to be followed by awful ones. The dreams are making me crazy. Why am I suddenly dreaming about HIM, since he left. It truly does feel like a death.

I'm also so very angered over his girls. They worked hard to destroy our marriage, and now he has so easily forgiven them, yet he never forgave ME for what he perceived as my "wrongs" towards his kids(all imagined, and those girls LIE too). I can see all the signs of personality disorders in all of them, which is just really sad, except I can't be sad for those awful girls. I got excluded, and lied about, and all their drama, and lies, I paid a high price for with my BPD husband.

How in the world am I ever supposed to trust a man again? I told him going in, of my past with angry men, and he KNEW he had anger issues, and he LIED, and he hid them until after we were married. I hear stories of this all the time too. How would I ever be able to trust that I'm not just being deceived again? I looked for signs with him, and he fooled not only me, but my whole family. He deserves an Oscar for his performance.

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing I keep struggling with is how he just seems to want very little contact. He was always such a high contact sort of guy. I think he thinks he is punishing me? Seems like something he'd do. Or maybe he really doesn't think of me?

I don't know him obviously, but black and white thinking is a trait of the disorder, with no gray in between.  Which means he's either high contact or no contact, just a defense mechanism to deal with feelings he can't deal with otherwise.  Hell, I've cut people out of my life too, for a lot of reasons, borderlines just take it to the extreme.  And it hurts, I'm sorry.

I'm thinking quite a few people recently diagnosed with a personality disorder would be grateful to have a partner's love, acceptance, and support, but not him. Nope, he "just can't do it", and "can't get better". Yeah, maybe because there's been no real effort?

Being told you have a mental illness would be hard to hear for anyone, and it's natural to want to forget you heard it and go back to the coping mechanisms that have 'worked' forever, and part of that would be removing anyone associated with the diagnosis from your life.  Accepting the diagnosis and diving in to do the work is the harder path, and most don't.  And that really have nothing to do with you.

I'm trying to move through all the steps of grief, goodness knows I bounce from one to the next, and sometimes back again. My emotions are all over the map. I'll have a few better days, only to be followed by awful ones. The dreams are making me crazy. Why am I suddenly dreaming about HIM, since he left. It truly does feel like a death.

My ex was in every dream I had for months, and they were much more vivid than usual, and my emotions were all over the place too.  I came to accept that all of that was my brain's way of making sense of the trauma, and that belief was reinforced as things got better over time.  Our brains are amazing that way, always finding a way to carry on, although the bigger the trauma, the more work required.

How in the world am I ever supposed to trust a man again? I told him going in, of my past with angry men, and he KNEW he had anger issues, and he LIED, and he hid them until after we were married. I hear stories of this all the time too. How would I ever be able to trust that I'm not just being deceived again? I looked for signs with him, and he fooled not only me, but my whole family. He deserves an Oscar for his performance.

Yes, but many of us here have found that as we've detached we've developed a hypertuned radar for whackjobs, a heightened sensitivity, really just a response to education, more focus on boundary preservation, and a refusal to ignore any red flags, since doing that hurt like hell last time.  It's had the benefit for me of allowing me to see things in people I know that I wouldn't have previously, and remove them from my life, and I'm proud to report I live in a relatively whackjob-free zone today, and it will stay that way, especially with single women; been there, done that, hurts too much to repeat.

[Sandman1881]

The thing I keep struggling with is how he just seems to want very little contact. He was always such a high contact sort of guy. I think he thinks he is punishing me? Seems like something he'd do. Or maybe he really doesn't think of me? I was the "healthy" person in this relationship(which is a relative term, because I now have situational depression, and anxiety), but HE wants out? I feel sort of incensed and angered by that. I'm thinking quite a few people recently diagnosed with a personality disorder would be grateful to have a partner's love, acceptance, and support, but not him. Nope, he "just can't do it", and "can't get better". Yeah, maybe because there's been no real effort?

I'm trying to move through all the steps of grief, goodness knows I bounce from one to the next, and sometimes back again. My emotions are all over the map. I'll have a few better days, only to be followed by awful ones. The dreams are making me crazy. Why am I suddenly dreaming about HIM, since he left. It truly does feel like a death.

I'm also so very angered over his girls. They worked hard to destroy our marriage, and now he has so easily forgiven them, yet he never forgave ME for what he perceived as my "wrongs" towards his kids(all imagined, and those girls LIE too). I can see all the signs of personality disorders in all of them, which is just really sad, except I can't be sad for those awful girls. I got excluded, and lied about, and all their drama, and lies, I paid a high price for with my BPD husband.

How in the world am I ever supposed to trust a man again? I told him going in, of my past with angry men, and he KNEW he had anger issues, and he LIED, and he hid them until after we were married. I hear stories of this all the time too. How would I ever be able to trust that I'm not just being deceived again? I looked for signs with him, and he fooled not only me, but my whole family. He deserves an Oscar for his performance.

I'm truly sorry for your pain and want you to know you are not alone. I wondered far longer than I should have and choose to endure viscous comments from my ex like "I don't even think about you anymore." Or "stop sending me to other men." She would love me with one breath and hate me with the next. This relationship stretched my tolerance for emotional agony to the absolute limit and I never really saw it coming. I let her get away with (almost) murder and kept feeding her machine. I knew something was wrong but just tried to love her better and that backfired. I'm learning that it nearly always does. My life. I thought was going somewhere together with my beloved, but I had no idea it was truly as bad as it gets. I loved and she ran. She got her distance and came back with love. Until the bitter end. It's like crossing the event horizon in a black hole. Nothing can excape and you can never get anything back once it's crossed, or just painted black.

I held on to the statement from her lips saying we would work it out no matter what. She lies. And I believed her.

And now I'm left behind with the remnants of myself and a life and a dream destroyed. I couldn't be more rattled from this experience. But I guess everything for a reason. I'll just likely never fully comprehend that the entire relationship was in fact a lie. A hoax. A dream turned living nightmare. And I can only lick my wounds and move on. Be safe. Also please know that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and still receive love and care without rejection and humiliation. Be good to you.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I came into this relationship with great boundaries, and knew what to look for, because I'd gotten away from a sociopath. I feel like dang magnet for these types. I knew what to look for, what signs, and red flags, but he really didn't display things I could say "yes, that is not okay". He just seemed like this super passive, devoted, wonderful man. The only thing I can remember is that his 17 year old son would say things like ":)ad, why are you acting like this, this isn't how you usually act", but they played a lot, and I thought he was just teasing his Dad. Now, it seems more sinister. It seems like he was calling his Dad out for the performance he was giving me.

This marriage, this relationship was a game changer for me. I'm having trouble feeling I'll trust again, because I was so cautious this time, and it still happened. My boundaries didn't get pushed, until after we'd married. He just waited until he was sure of me, and knowing my views on divorce, and working on things, he had the perfect target. That was why he waited to show me the true him.