Rough Patch…How long do YOU stew?

[Hope0807]

If I look at where I was 5 months ago, I'm so damn proud of myself.  I really thought I would NEVER stop shattering, stop looking over my shoulder and feeling like I was or was going to break into a million pieces.  Yet, I still hit rough patches that feel crippling.  I stew, stew, for hours and hours.  I know how to distract myself, keep busy, dial a friend…when these days hit I am completely paralyzed and can't stand it.  Do you have them?  What's your strategy from pulling yourself out?  I feel I've tried them all.

Today I learned he had matter-of-fact conversations about the new girlfriend (our divorce was final 7 days ago) with a mutual friend as if I and our 7 year marriage never existed.  Of course I wished the friend would punch my ex, call him awful names, or just do SOMETHING to defend my character…but I've learned that some people (especially males) just separate it all and go about things without getting stuck in the middle.  I'm learning that I can't take people not turning a cold shoulder toward the ex as a betrayal toward me.  But, that's a difficult thing to accept.  In one sense, I want the kind of people in my corner who will have my back and defend me, call HIM out on all this insane cruelty.  On the other hand, I know the BPD/ASPD would take it all in as a boost to his ego.  On a third count, the mounting numbers of people who are basically fearful of my ex is nauseating. 

[guy4caligirl]

If I look at where I was 5 months ago, I'm so damn proud of myself.  I really thought I would NEVER stop shattering, stop looking over my shoulder and feeling like I was or was going to break into a million pieces.  Yet, I still hit rough patches that feel crippling.  I stew, stew, for hours and hours.  I know how to distract myself, keep busy, dial a friend…when these days hit I am completely paralyzed and can't stand it.  Do you have them?  What's your strategy from pulling yourself out?  I feel I've tried them all.



I feel the same I don't have the problem you do,  she lives 3 states away we have 0 friend in common .

I sure do still have bad days it's been 5 months also 5 years R/S , I have no control about her situation I can no longer make a difference I am an old toy she just threw me away having  temporary fun , which I doubt it , I can't wait for when the moment comes and I will discard  of her like she did me Karma ,  keep the faith I am pretty sure god has his plans .

[Mutt]

Hope0807,

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch. Are you seeing a T to help you with getting unstuck?

I'm sorry your male friend didn't defend your character. Perhaps it's a little harder because the divorce was finalized?

On the other hand, I know the BPD/ASPD would take it all in as a boost to his ego.  On a third count, the mounting numbers of people who are basically fearful of my ex is nauseating.

The best thing to do is to stay away from him and he likely telegraphs that to others right? They're scared of him? Must be pretty lonely for him to live on an island. You feel this way now and it's not always going to be like this.

He has a PD and slim chances he'll change. You'll feel better and move on. It takes time.

[Hope0807]

Yup, love my T.  Nah, the divorce being final wasn't it - just some other news of stuff he's doing came to the surface and it pushed me down.  I have to get to a place where I'm not curious and don't care.

Hope0807,

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch. Are you seeing a T to help you with getting unstuck?

I'm sorry your male friend didn't defend your character. Perhaps it's a little harder because the divorce was finalized?

On the other hand, I know the BPD/ASPD would take it all in as a boost to his ego.  On a third count, the mounting numbers of people who are basically fearful of my ex is nauseating.

The best thing to do is to stay away from him and he likely telegraphs that to others right? They're scared of him? Must be pretty lonely for him to live on an island. You feel this way now and it's not always going to be like this.

He has a PD and slim chances he'll change. You'll feel better and move on. It takes time.

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Hope:

How long do we stew?  Great question--especially when we were dealing with a BPD/aspd.  I sometimes grow angry when friends ask, "Aren't you over this yet?"  Considering that we continue to be in litigation against each other, well... .NO, I'M NOT OVER IT.  I'm in my fifth month out as well.

As far as the fear factor goes--a lot of people don't understand ASPD's--other boards call them psychopaths or sociopaths.  I don't like labels, but I know my exbfBPD scared and scares a lot of people.  And YES--that's a tremendous boost to their power and control delusions.  He never scared me, and it's part of why I'm painted black--I always could "see" the little boy trying to play the bully.

I don't like to call attention to gender differences, but as "scary" as female BPD's can be, there are lots of folks who have not dealt with the likes of an ASPD male.  I think we're both pretty fortunate we did not come out worse and/or we should be pretty thankful we both came out alive.

I'm sorry others aren't validating you.  But here is a great place to come when you're needing validation.  Let's celebrate 5 months out!

[Hope0807]

Celebrating, yes!    Thanks Loveofhislife,

I can appreciate and respect that you and others don't like the labels.  For me, it crucial!  It's like, "no…he's not just your average dirtbag.  Thanks, I understand you got a divorce, and your husband cheated too, and you know what it's like to have a drug addict in your life, and you were betrayed to the hundredth power…"  but THIS…THIS was life with a Psychopath and I felt like I was wading through the thickest, most dreadful darkness until I came upon the criteria beyond "BPD" that spelled out what life was like with my ex. 

For me, it completes the explanation and offers me validation for the horrors I could never be truly validated enough for.  Agreed that the terms do scare the hell out of everyone though.  I don't willingly throw it out there, but I'm also not hiding my truth anymore.  He's doing enough of hiding and I'm done.  I think more people need to understand that Psychopaths walk amongst us and the vast majority are not murderers and actually quite skillfully stay out of prisons and ruin lives.

I also hear you on the scary male ASPDs.  I was NEVER afraid of my ex and try hard not to be.  He has super human strength and physical size.  The drug and steroid abuse don't make him any less of a kitty cat either:)

Dear Hope:

How long do we stew?  Great question--especially when we were dealing with a BPD/aspd.  I sometimes grow angry when friends ask, "Aren't you over this yet?"  Considering that we continue to be in litigation against each other, well... .NO, I'M NOT OVER IT.  I'm in my fifth month out as well.

As far as the fear factor goes--a lot of people don't understand ASPD's--other boards call them psychopaths or sociopaths.  I don't like labels, but I know my exbfBPD scared and scares a lot of people.  And YES--that's a tremendous boost to their power and control delusions.  He never scared me, and it's part of why I'm painted black--I always could "see" the little boy trying to play the bully.

I don't like to call attention to gender differences, but as "scary" as female BPD's can be, there are lots of folks who have not dealt with the likes of an ASPD male.  I think we're both pretty fortunate we did not come out worse and/or we should be pretty thankful we both came out alive.

I'm sorry others aren't validating you.  But here is a great place to come when you're needing validation.  Let's celebrate 5 months out!

[Loveofhislife]

Hope--thanks for what you wrote--makes me think a little differently.  By my NOT labeling exbfBPD for who and what he is--it plays into my denial.  I have brushed over MUCH of his really bad behavior with friends and family who think the b/u was "all about the money."  Perhaps I led myself to believe that for awhile.  Because it was unthinkable that I was inextricably tied to a person who had done unspeakable things to others (literally robbed two women of the entire equity in their homes).  I acted as if he would never do such a thing to me, and I somewhat bought into all of his rationalizations and justifications about what he has done to others.  Something was always nagging at me in the back of my mind.  So, why is it that co-dependents (like me) do the opposite of painting their s/o black?  I remained in denial for so long, and I continue to "waft" over there when the FOG begins to set in.  Thanks again for helping bring me back to reality.

[peiper]

Hope--thanks for what you wrote--makes me think a little differently.  By my NOT labeling exbfBPD for who and what he is--it plays into my denial.  I have brushed over MUCH of his really bad behavior with friends and family who think the b/u was "all about the money."  Perhaps I led myself to believe that for awhile.  Because it was unthinkable that I was inextricably tied to a person who had done unspeakable things to others (literally robbed two women of the entire equity in their homes).  I acted as if he would never do such a thing to me, and I somewhat bought into all of his rationalizations and justifications about what he has done to others.  Something was always nagging at me in the back of my mind.  So, why is it that co-dependents (like me) do the opposite of painting their s/o black?  I remained in denial for so long, and I continue to "waft" over there when the FOG begins to set in.  Thanks again for helping bring me back to reality.

The FOG sets in when we quit thinking logically, but rather emotionally.  Pining away for the fantasy of who we thought they were and how great the rest of our lives were going to be with them. Logically our thinking should be what a sick person, look at all the hell they put me through Hon.

[Mr Hollande]

I can mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it actually was.

[Hope0807]

Agreed.  I pined away only in the hopes that his promises to "change/get help/do better" were ultimately going to bring the man I was only teased with to the surface.  I set boundaries like crazy.  He crashed through all of them and then BEGGED me not to go each and every time I threatened to leave.  He was MUCH more codependent than I ever was.  Although I fully realize I played a role in that dance too, I am so grateful to now be able to look back and see all of his behaviors for the manipulative predator he revealed himself to be.  I constantly felt like I was watching someone's mask chip off little by little over the years.  How terrifying it was when I first to read and saw images of exactly that, a "MASK".  In my case, his personality disorder percolated beneath the surface for the duration.  He was using me, sucking my resourceful personality dry, and readying his mini army to unknowingly help him with throwing me overboard.  With cycles more regularly than a woman's PMS, the disorder (patterns of behavior and rages) boiled over and scalded me deeply.  In the final year Sept 2013-June 2014) all hell broke loose.  He had intimate replacements, friendship replacements, financial replacements, business associate replacements ALL in place and swelled to the surface.  I was in the midst of a vicious tornado and had no clue what was going on.  He literally surrounded me with all of these replacements and systematically tortured me.  He did this while pushing me to a deeply pathetic place of apologies and groveling for his forgiveness.  Had I lost my mind?  He spent 7 years admitting he was awful to me and would change, and then in the end while he was tossing me out, I somehow fell to my knees?  It was all so sick.  He had been telling the "replacements" horrible untruths about me for a long while.  In the very same month I discovered his evidence of drug use and sale and the term "BPD"…but my ex leans heavily into ASPD…Psychopath.  I'm incredibly sad and broken at all I have lost…but I'm also so disgusted, and grateful to be gone.

Hope--thanks for what you wrote--makes me think a little differently.  By my NOT labeling exbfBPD for who and what he is--it plays into my denial.  I have brushed over MUCH of his really bad behavior with friends and family who think the b/u was "all about the money."  Perhaps I led myself to believe that for awhile.  Because it was unthinkable that I was inextricably tied to a person who had done unspeakable things to others (literally robbed two women of the entire equity in their homes).  I acted as if he would never do such a thing to me, and I somewhat bought into all of his rationalizations and justifications about what he has done to others.  Something was always nagging at me in the back of my mind.  So, why is it that co-dependents (like me) do the opposite of painting their s/o black?  I remained in denial for so long, and I continue to "waft" over there when the FOG begins to set in.  Thanks again for helping bring me back to reality.

The FOG sets in when we quit thinking logically, but rather emotionally.  Pining away for the fantasy of who we thought they were and how great the rest of our lives were going to be with them. Logically our thinking should be what a sick person, look at all the hell they put me through Hon.

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Hope you gave me some hope !

I am struggling with NC now a week  been in LC 5 months since B/U , 5 years R/S

It's so hard still not doing too good tonight , I am wishing that she text me just to get a satisfaction , like "where is he I haven't heard from him in a week " I know she's busy with my replacement , but the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

[Loveofhislife]

Guy4CaliGirl--interesting that our timing is similar--I'm out for 5 months (LC for 3 months; NC for the past 2 months) but still have lapses in my TC (thought contact) over the r/s.  I would not have survived your 5 years. :'(

I have read that when recovering from addictions, we never should allow ourselves to get too hungry or too tired or too stressed or too bored, or... .?

I REALLY notice that my bad days and bad times correlate closely to when I'm not taking care of myself in other respects (lack of sleep, unhealthy food and drink, trying to do too much).  The holidays are a major burn out time of the year for all of us, and it's an emotional, nostalgic time.  

I continue to suffer some physical ailments from the trauma of 1 year with exbfBPD--namely, suffering adrenal exhaustion and some nasty symptoms that co-occur with that--including low cortisol which exacerbates depression.  I see my ophthalmic surgeon tomorrow, as I went legally blind in my left eye after the August 1, 2014 abandonment--and yes, the blindness was created by BPD stress.

I think the HARDEST PART OF THIS is feeling utterly thrown away--as if I don't exist (until he needs something)--total and complete abandonment.

the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

What this has shown me is that as the codependent "lonely child," I too have some abandonment issues.  However, I don't believe any human being has been equipped to handle what the BPD r/s due to us.  I HOPE this helps.   

[Hope0807]

Hey guy4caligirl,

Do you like to read?  If so I can suggest several books that will not only help you heal, but to also understand what exactly is happening in your brain and why your body feels so literally addicted to someone who is incapable of caring about you in the same way you care about others.

Here's a good one to start with:  "Living & Loving after Betrayal" by Steven Stosny.  I recommend the audio version with earbuds.  Walk or drive and listen.  That way, you stay in motion AND heal.

In short, your brain is basically addicted to that person because that person's disordered treatment of you screwed up your wires.  Now, you have to untangle the mess all on your own.  Do you really want to be in contact with someone incapable of caring for you?  We have to ultimately sit in the midst of this storm and allow the pain to sweep over us in order to make it through to the other side.  Contacting them or allowing them to contact us is the equivalent of grabbing the heaviest objects in the midst of that storm and smashing ourselves in the face with it until we're a bloody mess.  Don't do it.  Weather the storm, survive, and come out the other side. 

Thank you Hope you gave me some hope !

I am struggling with NC now a week  been in LC 5 months since B/U , 5 years R/S

It's so hard still not doing too good tonight , I am wishing that she text me just to get a satisfaction , like "where is he I haven't heard from him in a week " I know she's busy with my replacement , but the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

[Hope0807]

Loveofhislife,

I agree that regardless of our issues (not a human alive is without issues of some kind), no one could ever be prepared for what personality disordered can do. 

Guy4CaliGirl--interesting that our timing is similar--I'm out for 5 months (LC for 3 months; NC for the past 2 months) but still have lapses in my TC (thought contact) over the r/s.  I would not have survived your 5 years. :'(

I have read that when recovering from addictions, we never should allow ourselves to get too hungry or too tired or too stressed or too bored, or... .?

I REALLY notice that my bad days and bad times correlate closely to when I'm not taking care of myself in other respects (lack of sleep, unhealthy food and drink, trying to do too much).  The holidays are a major burn out time of the year for all of us, and it's an emotional, nostalgic time.  

I continue to suffer some physical ailments from the trauma of 1 year with exbfBPD--namely, suffering adrenal exhaustion and some nasty symptoms that co-occur with that--including low cortisol which exacerbates depression.  I see my ophthalmic surgeon tomorrow, as I went legally blind in my left eye after the August 1, 2014 abandonment--and yes, the blindness was created by BPD stress.

I think the HARDEST PART OF THIS is feeling utterly thrown away--as if I don't exist (until he needs something)--total and complete abandonment.

the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

What this has shown me is that as the codependent "lonely child," I too have some abandonment issues.  However, I don't believe any human being has been equipped to handle what the BPD r/s due to us.  I HOPE this helps.   

[guy4caligirl]

I think the HARDEST PART OF THIS is feeling utterly thrown away--as if I don't exist (until he needs something)--total and complete abandonment.


That is what I have hard time with the most , how could she after 5 years . Just  how ?

What does she think about when she lays her head on the pillow when going to bed ?

I an sorry about your eye sight I wish you the best .

[guy4caligirl]

Hey guy4caligirl,

Do you like to read?  If so I can suggest several books that will not only help you heal, but to also understand what exactly is happening in your brain and why your body feels so literally addicted to someone who is incapable of caring about you in the same way you care about others.

Here's a good one to start with:  "Living & Loving after Betrayal" by Steven Stosny.  I recommend the audio version with earbuds.  Walk or drive and listen.  That way, you stay in motion AND heal.

In short, your brain is basically addicted to that person because that person's disordered treatment of you screwed up your wires.  Now, you have to untangle the mess all on your own.  Do you really want to be in contact with someone incapable of caring for you?  We have to ultimately sit in the midst of this storm and allow the pain to sweep over us in order to make it through to the other side.  Contacting them or allowing them to contact us is the equivalent of grabbing the heaviest objects in the midst of that storm and smashing ourselves in the face with it until we're a bloody mess.  Don't do it.  Weather the storm, survive, and come out the other side. 

Thank you Hope you gave me some hope !

I am struggling with NC now a week  been in LC 5 months since B/U , 5 years R/S

It's so hard still not doing too good tonight , I am wishing that she text me just to get a satisfaction , like "where is he I haven't heard from him in a week " I know she's busy with my replacement , but the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

Thanks hope I like the audio idea I will get it thank you !

[guy4caligirl]

Guy4CaliGirl--interesting that our timing is similar--I'm out for 5 months (LC for 3 months; NC for the past 2 months) but still have lapses in my TC (thought contact) over the r/s.  I would not have survived your 5 years. :'(

I have read that when recovering from addictions, we never should allow ourselves to get too hungry or too tired or too stressed or too bored, or... .?

I REALLY notice that my bad days and bad times correlate closely to when I'm not taking care of myself in other respects (lack of sleep, unhealthy food and drink, trying to do too much).  The holidays are a major burn out time of the year for all of us, and it's an emotional, nostalgic time.  

I continue to suffer some physical ailments from the trauma of 1 year with exbfBPD--namely, suffering adrenal exhaustion and some nasty symptoms that co-occur with that--including low cortisol which exacerbates depression.  I see my ophthalmic surgeon tomorrow, as I went legally blind in my left eye after the August 1, 2014 abandonment--and yes, the blindness was created by BPD stress.

I think the HARDEST PART OF THIS is feeling utterly thrown away--as if I don't exist (until he needs something)--total and complete abandonment.

the fact that they can go on like nothing had happened kills me .

Strange but why am I feeling that ? please help .

What this has shown me is that as the codependent "lonely child," I too have some abandonment issues.  However, I don't believe any human being has been equipped to handle what the BPD r/s due to us.  I HOPE this helps.   

It really did thank you Loveofhislife I hope you get better soon

[Hope0807]

I was in 7 years, so I'm totally with you.  I'm forced to move forward as if 7 years of my life didn't even happen.  It's disturbing beyond words.  My ex texted all day, every day from the very beginning.  Just the other day I drove down a street I drove for years while in the r/s and all I could think of was all the times I'd be head ing back home to him or might even speak to him from the road.  It was intense…then it's gone like you were part of a magic trick and no one ever prepared you to be the participant…and what's worse, we're stuck in the magic act and the damn magician ran out of the building and left us in the box, sliced in two, whatever.  No wonder why they compare these creeps to "Oz", the "man behind the curtain."  The relationship as I experienced it was not the same for him, but the entire way through you feel deeply connected to that other person, as if no one will ever understand the way THEY do. 

THEY are SKILLED in that way.  WE are VULNERABLE in that way.  It's simply how the two puzzle pieces come and stay together.

They threw us out like the trash, but we must live our WORTH.  I do not ever want anyone who doesn't want me, not for a moment.  I am incredibly loving, honest, and valuable in any relationship.  I don't want anyone who is such a mess in their psychological make-up that while I "love" as part of my nature, they "manipulate" as part of theirs.  I don't want anyone who only bombarded me with questions about whether I've ever cheated in past relationships only to drop a curtain over my senses to shield me from the truth that HE was the one who would be cheating me and cheating ON me. 

We EXIST.  We matter.  "Falling down is a part of life.  Getting back up is living."  I believe that if we do the work to fill ourselves back up in the way we hoped THEY would fill us up…we will never again be part of their magic act…NEVER. 

I think the HARDEST PART OF THIS is feeling utterly thrown away--as if I don't exist (until he needs something)--total and complete abandonment.


That is what I have hard time with the most , how could she after 5 years . Just  how ?

What does she think about when she lays her head on the pillow when going to bed ?

I an sorry about your eye sight I wish you the best .